Chapter 9 Iris
Iris
THEN
After a while, the highs became fewer and further between.
Perhaps this was normal in a long-term relationship, just like Josh said.
Iris wouldn’t know. She’d never been in one.
Had Josh changed or had she just got to know him better?
She got the impression there was a fake Josh and a real Josh, but she couldn’t work out which was which.
Was the real Josh the person who had shown her so much love in the beginning?
The one who had showered her with praise and presents?
Or was he showing his true nature when he sulked and put her down and fobbed her off and blamed her for stuff and called her names?
Either way, would she ever get the perfect guy she’d known in the beginning back?
The guy she’d fallen in love with? Would she ever experience something as great as that first high again?
They were together ‘for better and for worse’, Josh would say, like they’d taken actual wedding vows.
Well, things had definitely got worse. At the start of their relationship, he’d been so caring.
Maybe he didn’t love her as much anymore.
Perhaps these ‘teething problems’, Josh kept talking about, were as much her fault as his.
Hell, maybe they were all her fault. She was probably the one who was fucking this up.
She was the one who wasn’t good enough for him.
She would have to do better. He was going off her.
She felt like the spotlight he used to shine on her had dimmed and everything she did suffered as a result, like she couldn’t achieve anything without his attention.
She didn’t feel like running, or even playing the violin, without his encouragement, which he seemed to be withholding.
He wasn’t big on support anymore either.
Now, when Iris had a bad day, she couldn’t turn to him for comfort because his day had always been worse.
When things were going smoothly, something always went wrong – Josh had a problem at home / at school that he was struggling to deal with; someone (else) in his family died; he’d been wrongly accused by one of his teachers / parents / friends of doing something unthinkable; he had an injury and was depressed because he couldn’t go running; one of his brothers / his mother was ill and it might be really serious; his dad was being a total dick and didn’t understand him like Iris did. Josh seemed to thrive on drama.
Why did she put up with it for so long? Why the fuck didn’t she dump him sooner? Iris still asks herself these questions now. At the time, she couldn’t have answered that, but now, thanks to hindsight and therapy, she thinks she has worked out some of the answers.
One of the reasons she didn’t break up with him was guilt.
Josh would tell her how insecure he was and how she made him feel whole.
Plus, he’d had a whole load of ‘issues’ before her – anxiety and insomnia and stuff.
And he was terrified that his anxiety would return and he’d be really ill if they ever split up.
‘You’re the only good thing in my life,’ he used to say. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you.’ He’d said it over and over again.
Iris also stayed because she didn’t have many – any? – friends anymore. Other than Millie, she only ever hung out with Josh. What would she do without him? In a way, she needed Josh as much as he needed her.
She was also scared of what he might do to her if she did split up with him. Would he tell everyone in school her secrets? Or would he tell them lies about her? Would he get everyone to ignore her or be mean to her? He was that sort of person. Unforgiving.
And she loved him. Or thought she did. Despite everything. He’d hurt her so many times, but he was trying his hardest to do better.
There was never really any last straw. So it took a while, but Iris eventually came to the conclusion that their relationship had become toxic and no matter whose fault it was, this had to stop.
She didn’t feel like herself anymore, she didn’t even like herself.
It was like her identity was tied to his.
She could barely remember who she was before she started going out with Josh, but she’d been happier back then than she was now; that much was certain.
The first time she dumped him, he sent her links to a bunch of songs and even a playlist he’d made on Spotify.
He was, Iris guessed, using someone else’s lyrics to express what he wanted to say.
She didn’t reply, but felt bad about it, like she’d sunk to his level now she was the one ignoring him.
Then he sent her a really long email, listing all the reasons he loved her.
It was really moving. It made her cry. Iris caved in and wrote back.
And before she knew it, they were back together again.
There followed another honeymoon period, but much shorter than the first. And then they were back on the rollercoaster.
The second time she tried to split up with Josh, he wrote her another email, begging her for one last chance and saying he couldn’t live without her and he was having dark thoughts. Suicidal thoughts.
Iris had given him lots of last chances during their relationship.
Also, she wasn’t sure she totally believed him – she no longer believed a lot of what he said – but there was no way she could take that risk.
What if Josh harmed himself? How could she think of ending the relationship if he was thinking of ending his life?
If he decided he couldn’t live without her, would she be able to live with herself?
She was trapped.