Chapter 13 #2
“Lillian is the only woman who has ever truly seen me for who I am. I love her for that.” I see something flash before his eyes. In a certain light it might look like sadness or shame. He swallows back his emotions. “I have a feeling she might see things in you that no one has ever seen before.”
“She has,” I say simply. No other person on this earth has made me feel as accepted, as human, as she has.
There was a time after the war, after my wife Delilah left, that I thought I might never feel whole again.
When I ran headfirst into Lillian, that was the beginning of putting those pieces together again.
What happens if I lose her? What happens to those fragile fragments she’s so carefully fused back together?
“I can see you’re telling the truth,” Bruno says simply. Someone calls his name from the fray and he turns to them. Smiling and waving, he only spares me one final sentence. “Whatever the two of you need, know that my men and I are at your disposal.”
With that, he’s gone. My gaze follows him as he returns to the group of his men. As they part for him, I get a glance at Lillian, and I’m suddenly moving toward her.
I’ve never been a dancer. Even when we were undercover in Germany attempting to hide in plain sight, I avoided it as much as possible.
But here, with the warm lamp lights shining off of Lillian’s natural hair, I can’t help but need to be with her.
I want to hold her in my arms and enjoy every second with her.
She stops when I approach, and at first, I think that she may turn away from me. To my delight, she gifts me a smile and extends a hand for me. I’ve never taken something so quickly in my life.
For the first time today, I know peace.
No words pass between us as she leads me through a list of Hispanic stance styles. Soon Margaret is following along. A quick learner, she cycles through partners on each new song.
Not Lillian.
She clings to me through each transition, never once turning her head to another.
The party goes deep into the night, and even as many turn in, the musicians continue. The way songs blend into the darkness gives the illusion that the forest itself is an instrument.
By the time my feet are spent, Lillian is tugging me away. No words are spoken as she leads me from the main deck toward the stairwell. My hand slowly tightens around hers; she slows her pace so she can brush up against me.
When we reach the hallway, she suddenly turns on me. Chest to heaving chest, we’re a hair’s breadth of distance from each other. Uncharted territory is where we’re headed, and I am completely under her spell.
Nose to nose, I reach up out of instinct and brush a wild curl away from her face. Her eyelids gently fall shut and her chest brushes against mine with a deep breath.
“Why won’t you kiss me, Ben?” she asks breathlessly.
I’m not sure when it happened, but her back is up against the wall; her hands are balled into fists in my shirt. I want to kiss her, God, I want to. I can’t find the words fast enough because her eyes snap open and her face contorts from bliss to concern.
My hesitation breaks the intensity, but I’m desperate to regain it.
I haven’t felt so fulfilled in a long time.
Leaning in, I nearly do it. I nearly give into everything I’ve been fighting, but then a rush of despair overtakes me.
A flash of everything that has passed between us and then the nagging fear of losing her.
Again, I’ve waited too long to say anything. Her demeanor takes another turn led by her hands loosening their grip. Her arms drop to her side, and a look of frustration replaces her look of happiness. I hate that I’ve caused the shift.
“I wish you would stop being such a coward.” Her comment violently breaks me free from the trance.
No one has ever called me a coward before.
Hearing it for the first time cuts deep.
Hearing it from her lips has me careening off a cliff.
“There is no challenge you will not face, nor any danger you will not throw yourself into on my behalf! Tell me why you cannot act on this!” She takes a whining breath, like she cannot seem to find the oxygen to continue.
Still, I have no answer for her. She’s heard my reasons; she knows the demons I face.
Tears break free from her eyes as she shoves me away from her.
“Can’t you see that I love you?” Somehow this cuts even deeper than her calling me a coward.
I’ve known it. I’ve heard her say it once before, but this time is different.
She shoves me again; I don’t give her an inch.
“Can’t you see that I am terrified of what my future holds?
There is only one goddamn thing that I can be certain of, and it’s that I love you.
” Her anger flees and a cradling softness returns to her words. “I love you, Ben Reed.”
I can’t take it any longer. Can’t take the helplessness I see in her face. Quickly, and with too much force, I cup her cheeks in my hands. My thumbs run beneath her eyes to wipe the tears away.
Without any further hesitation or overthinking I speak the truth of it into the world. “I love you too.”
We both freeze, as if neither of us can believe what’s been said.
It’s the right reaction. I’ve never said it to her, not in our entire time of knowing each other. Not when we barely escaped the walking dead, not in England, and not in Germany when we were playing make-believe.
But I have loved her. From the moment I met her, I have loved her.
The truth is out, and I can’t forget it, not when my heart and very existence belongs to her. I can’t regret it, but I can tell her my reasons for not kissing her. She seems to sense the tidal shift coming, because the look of shock turns to turmoil immediately.
She’s already pushing away. “No, Ben. Not another word.” She gasps back fresh tears, but she needs to hear it again.
“You know, Lillian. You know my reasons for not pursuing a relationship.” If she ever were to become mine, losing her would put the light out of the world.
I wouldn’t know how to continue. Seeing her survive this—making sure we both live through this—would fix everything.
That reality seems to become less and less reasonable every day. Her life has to be the priority.
Her heartbreak turns to anger as she continues to try to break away from me.
“Well, when you decide that those reasons no longer suit you, if you figure it out, Ben, I will be here for you for as long as I have left.” Her voice catches, and I nearly collapse to my knees, letting go of her.
There is more time. There has to be more time. “I will always be waiting for you.”
She slips around me and is through her bedroom door before I can answer, before I can fall to the ground and beg her for forgiveness.
I’m left outside with my bullshit reasons. Reasons that hardly seem to matter now. My old world, my wife—it was a lifetime ago. The war was a lifetime ago. Lillian, she’s the present. And my future…she must be.
I catch myself sorting my emotions. There’s no room for these feelings, not when there is so much to lose.
Leaning toward her door, I listen for any sign of life, but it’s silent from within. Beneath the door, a dim light flickers in and out, signaling that she’s moved on.
I could break down her door, kiss her with every passion that’s coursing through me at this moment, and proclaim all that I want to; Lord knows that’s what I want.
There are a million things that could be said to make things right between us.
The honest truth would fix it. It would start with opening that door. I could, but I don’t.
Taking a controlling breath, I take a step away from her room and head back up to the top deck. There’s much planning to be done.