Chapter 34
Never Know Peace
Ben
THE WORDS “I love you” have only just left my mouth when the dagger is brought down over the corpse.
Somehow alive and deceased all at once, it screams in an agony shrill enough to break glass.
The sound is enough that Diederick lets go of me in order to cover his ears.
The moment his arms fall from me, I’m running.
The black ooze that had devoured Ivo’s flesh has dulled, leaving behind a trail of black dust in its wake.
I leap over it and skip the steps to the altar to meet Lillian head-on.
I’m nearly to her when the body on the table begins to break down.
It turns from a corpse not a minute old to one that could have been here for centuries.
The dagger turns to dust as it slips through the bones to the altar.
With the dagger gone, my attention returns to Lillian.
When I reach her, she’s swaying on her feet.
When I wrap myself around her, for one glorious moment, I think maybe the dagger has spared her.
The moment I look down and see her entire right hand black as the dust on the ground, I understand that maybe she’s only been graced with a few extra moments.
She begins to shake, and her legs give way. Taking a breath, I ease both of us to the ground. Her breathing is shallow but hurried while her eyes are searching mine. A single tear falls down her cheek. She is unmoving and unspeaking.
“The dagger’s gone,” I whisper, slowly rocking her back and forth. “You did so good, sweetheart. You beat it.”
When she doesn’t respond, I can feel myself starting to lose whatever composure I had moments ago.
“Just tell me what to do,” I say as I wipe my tears away with my shoulder.
“Just tell me what to do, sweetheart.” My voice breaks, but I can’t bring myself to stop fighting for her to return to me.
“Lillian,” I say again, regaining my grip and cradling her closer. “Lillian, what do I do? Lillian…”
She doesn’t answer.
I feel Diederick approaching, but I don’t pay him any credence. He can damn well step in if he has any bright ideas, but there will be nothing taking me from Lillian at this moment. I cradle her closer to me, hoping to feel the warmth of her, but there is only cold.
There is nothing you can do now. A familiar voice tickles my ear. I don’t have to look up to know that the voice belongs to no one in the room.
Ben, you must let her go now. She has done what was needed of her. Now she will be free. I know the voice belongs to one Isadora Bach; she is here to collect her daughter, and I refuse to let her take her from me.
I continue to rock Lillian in my arms as she weakens further. Gripping her good hand in mine, I try once more to rouse her. “Lillian, you can’t leave.” My voice breaks as I lower my forehead to hers. “Don’t leave me,” I whisper. “Please, Lillian, don’t leave me.”
Those lovely eyes that I will remember for the rest of my life pop open, and in one more defiant action of strength, her hand breaks from mine to find my cheek. “Find me,” her broken voice pleads before her hand falls to her necklace.
The life goes out of her.
My chest is left severed in a pain that strikes so deeply I think I might keel over and die of brokenheartedness. For a moment, there is nothing but my breathing, but then a chorus of voices fills the quiet.
Her sacrifice is complete.
The crowd of whispers says it over and over until it nearly drives me mad.
The only way to keep them at bay is to move. When I look up and find Diederick and Archibald watching me, I suddenly know nothing but rage. Shaking with anger and no release, I carefully maneuver Lillian out of my lap.
I hate leaving Lillian on the cold floor, but I will return for her when I’ve done what needs to be done.
Laying her head down gently, I move to stand.
Still not able to keep my eyes from her, I look over her once more.
With no gaping wounds, she seems as if she could be sleeping.
It’s what I choose to see in her when I look at her closed eyes and the hair fanning out around her head.
It takes everything I have left to turn away from her.
“Ben,” Diederick attempts, but I’m already moving past him.
“Ben,” Archibald begins, hands outstretched in defense. “Ben, this was going to happen no matter what! I had no say in this outcome.”
I knock his hands away and throw a punch at his nose. I feel the crunch beneath the blow, and then the old man is flat on his back on the floor. I’m on top of him in seconds, fist primed to hit him again. He decides it’s a decent idea to speak again.
“Honestly, Ben! I’m a victim in all of this. It’s Ivo’s fault, all of it.”
My fist pauses as I glance behind me at the skeleton on the floor, curled and dismembered. “And he’s lucky that he’s already dead.” My voice cracks at the confession. “What happened to him was a mercy compared to what I’d do to him if he were still among us.”
Archibald swallows his fear and makes one more sad attempt for his life. “I’m all you have left of her now; you don’t want to throw that away.” My gun is out of its holster, and the barrel is at his temple before I realize what I’m doing.
“She is no part of you,” I say. “I want no part of you.”
“Ben.” Diederick’s voice comes out hurried and nervous. “You want justice, but you will not find it here today if you kill him.”
I press the gun against Archibald’s head harder. “I’ll never have justice.” I’ve lost Lillian. She would never know what she spared the world, but I will. I will make sure it’s in her honor and that evil does not win; I’ll make sure that not even one spec of it survives the upcoming war.
I’ve lost Lillian.
I’ve lost Lillian, and she is lying alone on a cold stone floor behind me.
There is nothing left of us except my love for her.
Hating her there alone, I finally release the man beneath me and retreat back to Lillian’s body.
Stooping low, I tuck a curl behind her ear where it will remain.
My breath shakes as I lift her into my arms. I tuck her head tightly against my chest and take the first step.
Every movement with her dead in my arms is impossible, but I want her away from this place.
I want her away from Ivo and away from her father.
As I pass Diederick, he doesn’t try to stop my actions this time.
“I’ll send someone to help with him,” I say pointedly. The British government will demand answers after they discover that their lead was killed and the dagger was not procured. Margaret and Archibald will have to be replacements enough. If Margaret survives the gunshot to her stomach.
Walking down the same hall I sprinted through not an hour before does something to my soul.
I should have been walking hand in hand with the woman in my arms, but now I walk alone.
As I get close enough to the others to hear their echoes, I take a moment to completely cut off my senses.
I know what needs to be done next. One look at Bruno’s face or one apology from Oliver could make me question myself, and I don’t want to.
It’s hard enough to keep my emotions at bay when I round the corner and the entire world goes silent.
Bruno falls to his knees, and his cries immediately ignite the room in brutal wails.
James stares with a confused frustration, while Oliver and Margaret watch on with tears in their eyes.
Oliver’s in immediate devastation; Margaret’s for her own pain.
I only continue to walk into their circle. Ignoring them all as best as I can, I slowly and ever so gently lower Lillian back to the floor.
“Oliver,” I say, clearing my throat as I stand. “Diederick needs help detaining Archibald.”
I don’t wait to see if he obeys before turning to Bruno, who is staring at his best friend with vacant eyes.
“Bruno.” I choke on the words. “Find a place to put her to rest.” A look of horror meets me, but we both know her body would never make it back in these conditions.
“Please,” I parry back. Surely it’s not the worst option.
She might like to be buried here in the land of her ancestors.
“She would want you to be the one to choose it and…” I can’t finish my request.
“You understand what you are asking me?” Bruno asks, strained and utterly broken. “No one will be able to watch after her grave.” This I know, but what other choice is there?
I only nod in response, understanding that I’ve asked him something unthinkable.
I can only come to terms with it when I think about how she would have wanted to be laid to rest in this land among the nature and the history that passed in this place.
Taking her to Manaus or back to England would only benefit the living.
“She suffered enough in life; don’t make her suffer in death by prolonging it. ”
With my final decision spoken into existence, I kneel before her once more.
I take in the shape of her nose, the curve of her brow, and the curly hair I loved to touch, and then I lock them up safely in my mind.
I push that same hair back from her face for the last time before rising and turning to leave.
Grabbing a loaded rifle from the body of a dead German, I throw it across my back and take my leave.
“Reed, where are you going?” James’s question echoes in my head long after I’ve left the great hall behind me.
My hands are covered in blood. Out of the men left in camp, only five remained after the assault of Lillian’s undead army.
I murdered the rest. In front of me, the last of the tents are burning to the ground.
The evidence of the German’s visit will soon be nothing more than a stain on the earth that will heal quickly. I can’t say the same for Poland.
I’d found the urgent message in a pile of transmissions, but none were more disheartening than the one about Hitler invading Poland.
Hands shaking with the blood of five men, I toss the message to the side and hang my head low between my knees. I’d killed them all so easily thinking it would make some difference. I thought that it would somehow change the outcome, and now I find that a real war has already begun a world away.
I only raise my head again when Diederick finds me nearly an hour later. “We put out the rest of the fires,” he says, taking a seat beside me. “If you care.”
I do care. I wouldn’t want any of the original colony to burn with the pieces that don’t belong here. The last few expeditions left things behind, but I don’t want a single clue to the fact that the Germans had a hand here.
“Ben, Lillian wouldn't have wanted you to bathe in this darkness—” His droning ends when I hand him the clipping about Poland. He winces at the news, but it still hardly surprises him.
“War is still coming, Diederick. Lillian died for peace, and yet the war has already started.” Saying her name has me burying my head in my hands to hide my tears.
A comforting hand finds my shoulder. “You and I both know that she did not die for nothing. With the dagger gone, there is a choice to fight against the evil invoked by Hitler and his regime.” Diederick pauses as the flames in front of us finally catch hold of the back wall of canvas.
“If that dagger had fallen into his hands… Today, Poland. Tomorrow, the whole of Europe. The day after that, the entire world. She stopped that from happening, and now it’s up to the rest of us to fight back. ”
“Did Bruno bury her?” I ask, needing to know that she was somewhere safe.
Diederick nods once. “And I was there to see her off safely.” He points toward the opposite side of the colony.
“We found a lovely place for her and marked it with a lovely amazonite lily. Oliver put it together from pieces he found along the way. Bruno says he will be sure to erect a memorial at the cemetery in Manaus. He says he’ll put it in his own family plot. ”
I can only nod. Better not to dwell on something that will only break me. There’s far too much to do to break right now.
“Bruno also says we need to get a move on if we wish to get to the checkpoint before his men make another round.” I know Diederick doesn’t want to push me, but I’m thankful for the direction.
“With two unwilling passengers, I suppose we should get a move on as soon as possible.” I don’t ask about Margaret’s condition or if Archibald has realized what he’s done yet. Neither of them matter any more.
It’s Diederick’s turn to nod.
Together the two of us turn to the last surviving relic of German occupation and begin to stomp out the escaping flames. As I watch the last of the canvas burn, I can’t help but look back up at the mountain where Lillian had given everything for something she believed in: a better world.
I can only pray to give my life for the same belief.
As I close my eyes, I try to imagine her here in this place, alive and, for a moment perhaps, happy. I see her exploring and displaying passion for the land beneath her feet. Despite the joy in seeing her here at peace in my imagination, it’s not enough to make me smile.
I know that when I open my eyes, she won’t be here; instead, there will only be destruction. Feeling the heat of the flames scorching the rest of the evidence, I nearly open my eyes to return to the real world, but the slightest caress of an impossibly cool breeze blows across my cheek.
Find me, it seems to say.
Hearing the same phrase that Lillian had uttered in her dying breaths forces me to open back up to the world. Of course, it’s only the forest playing tricks, or perhaps it is only my mind reaching for something that isn’t there. She is gone, I remind myself.
Stomping out the rest of the fire with my boots grows uncomfortably hot, but it’s only the beginning of the rest of an uncomfortable life. For I will never know peace or comfort again. Not until the day I pass and am reunited with Lillian, equal parts the love and loss of my life.