Chapter 9
Chapter
Nine
“Who is it?” I interrogated the fist battering my door.
“Sawyer.”
I rolled out of my armchair to unlock the door for him. “What’s up?”
“I was wondering if you wanted to try wielding some starlight before we leave in the morning?”
“I would, but I’m still ticked off at you all from the meeting. Plus—” I held up my tightly wrapped wrist, the angle proving to be quite painful.
“Oh, right. I forgot.” Sawyer stepped further into my room, shutting the door behind him. “Guess you’ll be out of commission for a while, huh?”
“I guess so. Until Venay gets back at least.” I sighed, returning to my seat and tossing my legs over the side.
Sawyer sat on the other arm, where I rested my head on his thigh. “I’m surprised none of the other healers know much about breaks. And I don’t know why Pia couldn't heal it—Sebastian has even said himself that she's a really gifted healer.”
I felt Sawyer’s shrug in the way his leg flexed. “Maybe she just doesn't want to. You heard what she said—she doesn't want to be the reason you go.”
“I have a feeling none of you asses would let me go anyway.” A lock of hair fell into my eyes as my head rolled to the side, looking up at him. “Why didn’t you vouch for me? You’re usually the first one to stick up for me.”
“Yeah, when you're right. And in this case, you’re not.” He took the bundle of my strands, twirling them between his fingertips.
My mind flashed back to what he had said in Caelestis.
I can’t lose you. I wouldn’t survive it.
Sucking in a breath, I worked my own fingers around the hair, tucking it behind my ear.
My eyes turned to the window. Trees outlined the entirety of the grounds, leaving nothing for my eyes to explore except vivid shades of green. “Is this how it's going to be from now on? Me trapped here just to avoid being captured or killed?” What a shitty way to live. It was like Caelestis 2.0.
“For a while, maybe.”
“I don’t want people to die for me,” I whispered, my emotions getting the best of me.
“We don’t want you to die to save us,” he whispered back with a slip of a voice crack.
Another knock hit my door, though this guest didn’t wait for a response before coming in.
“Sorry. I think I left one of my daggers here—” Sebastian froze, his eyebrows cinching together. “What are you doing here?” he grilled Sawyer.
I shot upright, correcting my posture while Sawyer rose to his feet.
“Why knock if you were just going to let yourself in?” I grunted, fixing my hair.
“Because this is my room, too,” Sebastian replied, his eyes still narrowed on Sawyer.
“Not anymore, it’s not.” I moved to my wardrobe, where I had tucked his dagger away for safekeeping, knowing he’d be back for it eventually.
“Here.” I tried to hand him the sheathed blade, but he didn't move, he just kept his glare on the now vacant armchair.
“Anything else you need?” I forced the weapon into his palm.
“Yeah. Actually.” At last his eyes dipped to me and his voice deepened. “I want to talk to you.”
“Now?” I was already caught up in my feelings, and if I was alone with Sebastian, I might just give in to the desire that would fight to overcome any sense left in me.
“Yes. Now,” he growled, eyeballing the man behind me once more.
Sawyer pursed his lips then started for the door. “Guess I’ll leave you guys to it. Don’t forget to use protection.”
The words were clearly meant as a joke, although his tone didn't sound overly playful.
At Sawyer's departure, my eyes instantly caught on the mounds of muscle that were Sebastian's biceps.
They roamed to his perfectly sharp jawline, then caught on his hair, which curled around the base of his ears, the length being my favorite on him.
My fingers loved intertwining in it when he ate my—
Get a grip, Maeve.
“Let’s talk outside,” I abruptly suggested, knowing I wouldn’t be able to focus on having an actual conversation if we were alone in this room.
Sebastian stepped forward, his shirt rippling with the honed flex of his abdomen. “Why? Worried you might cave and forgive me?” he said cockily under his breath.
I didn’t even try to lie.
“Yes.”
Actually, I was worried I’d do more than just forgive him—like drop to my knees and take his pants down with me.
It didn’t matter how hurt I was, Sebastian was downright fucking hot. Especially when he—
Fuck.
“Let’s go.” Turning my back, I marched out the door, down four flights of stairs, and into the courtyard that was home to a few golden benches. I chose one for us to sit on, then let him do the talking.
“This has gotten out of hand. This thing, between you and me.”
“Oh, you mean how you lied to me?”
He hung his head, subtly shaking it. “I didn’t— You know what?
Fine, we can call it lying. It was fucked up, I get that, and I’m so incredibly sorry.
If I could go back to last summer and start all over with you, I would in a heartbeat.
” He paused, taking a calming breath. “I’m worried about you.
About your magic and your arm. You’ve been through so much the past few weeks, and you seem to have a death wish.
I mean, fuck, if someone is offering to fight your battles for you, let them. ”
“Why? Because I’m an anxious mess?”
Sebastian expelled all of the air from his lungs with one harsh sigh. “I should have never said that. I was pissed that you didn't tell me about your wielding and hurt that you said you weren’t…my girl anymore.” His throat bobbed as he gulped. “But that’s no excuse, and I’m sorry.”
I shuffled in my seat, and for the first time since we arrived here, found myself also feeling apologetic.
“I’m sorry, too. I shouldn't have said all of that in front of Sawyer and Kade. That should have been a private conversation. And I’m sorry I called you an overprotective ass.
And an asshole. And a grumpy asshole. And unbearable. And—”
Sebastian chuckled, shaking out his shaggy hair. “I get the idea. Thanks.” His palm found my thigh. The touch was gentle, but enough to send shivers scattering up my skin.
“Are you cold?” he asked, noticing the goosebumps developing on my flesh.
“Something like that,” I exhaled, moving my hazel eyes to meet his ocean ones.
“Maeve…” His normally rough voice was airy in the way that used to make me weak at the knees.
Okay, who was I kidding? There was no way I could have stood if I tried.
I let my eyelids shut, blocking out his face to reduce the temptation that tried to breach the barriers of my common sense.
He pulled his hand away, granting me some relief, but also leaving my skin feeling bare.
“So we really aren’t together? After everything?” he asked, and hearing him say it made my heart tear in half.
Exhaling all the air in my lungs, I shook my head, then granted my eyes vision. “I don’t know how to be with someone I can’t trust.”
He nodded once, then angled his head up at the deepening sky. “What can I do to change that?”
“I think if anything, it’s just going to take time,” I answered, clasping my hands together so I didn’t do something stupid and rash—like trail my fingers along his jaw.
“I’ll do whatever it takes, no matter how long. But for now, what can I do to help mend what I’ve done?”
“I don’t know, Seb.”
His lips paled when they pursed. “Okay. When you are ready to relinquish your hold on your stubbornness and admit that you still want to be with me, I’ll be waiting. In the meantime, can I ask you something?”
My attention settled on an older couple walking through the courtyard, stopping to sit on a bench across the way. They smiled as they held hands, and the sight stung every nerve in my body.
“Sure,” I belatedly agreed with a heavy breath, turning my attention back to him.
“Is there something going on,” he paused to swallow what was likely a knot in his throat, “between you and Sawyer?”
My brows pulled together, my skull bounding backwards. “What? Why would you think that?”
Did he really think I could move on from someone like him that fast? In all honesty, I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to move on from him, even knowing that I couldn't be with him in our current state.
He dragged a hand slowly down his face. “I dunno, you guys seem to have gotten really close since I was gone in Craterra, and I was just wondering.”
“I mean, yeah. We are close. He was there for me when you were gone. He was one of the only people who understood what I was going through. He’s honest with me and sticks up for me. He’s my best friend,” I countered, though I was not completely stumped by Sebastian’s assumption.
I can’t lose you. I wouldn’t survive it.
“He probably sees me as more of a sister than anything else,” I added, more for my own peace of mind than his.
Sebastian’s cheeks tinted red at my response. “Yeah, of course. I don’t know why I thought that.”
Taking the opportunity to change the subject, I said, “You want me to trust you again? Tell me something that I don’t know. Prove to me that you can tell me the hard stuff, even knowing that I may not like it.”
Instantaneously, his jaw clenched. “I know exactly what to tell you, but I know for a fact that you won’t like it.”
“Tell me.”
He backed away a bit, possibly in fear that what he was going to say would result in my fist colliding with his balls.
“I don’t know if this will help our situation.”
My blood warmed to an unbearable temperature. “Tell me.”
His eyes tunneled in on me, and his fists clenched by his sides as he rose to his feet, offering a hand for me to take. “I’m leaving in the morning to return to Draemor. Please be careful while I’m gone. Extra careful. If you see anything weird, let Archer know. Okay?”
I agreed with a nod, accepting his help in pulling me to my feet and waiting for him to spit it out.
He sucked his lips in before sighing them back out. “Based on the ending of the first one, it would appear that there's another journal.”
“Another journal?” Pia marveled. “Where?”
I laid back on the sofa in the common room, repetitively tossing my sheathed dagger in the air and catching it with the hand that didn’t reside upon my broken arm. “Great question. He doesn’t know— at least he claims that he doesn’t.”
Sebastian, Sawyer, Kohen, and Kade left that morning to return to Draemor for mission butcher Beaumont, as Sawyer had called it. I was still aggravated that I couldn’t go, but I wouldn't be much help with only three working limbs, anyway. If anything, I’d probably only hold them back.
I wish I had that common sense before I made an ass of myself during our meeting.
“What do you think is in it?” Delani asked from where she sat on the floor, coating her nails with a coat of sparkling polish.
Miscalculating my aim, my dagger fell to the floor, spilling out of the sheath with a clang. “Probably more bullshit about my life,” I sneered, reaching down to pick it up. “Don’t you think it's weird that his mother wrote so much about me?”
“Maybe she knew you and Seb would be soulmates,” Pia offered, and I scoffed.
“If you told me that a month ago, I would have believed you.”
“Oh please. You’ll get over this. I know you will.”
I wanted to. I really did—but my brain wouldn’t let me. It latched on to that feeling of betrayal and replaced every good memory with nothing but pain.
“Maybe,” I mumbled.
Pia exhaled sharply, blowing the air across her nails. “I miss Kohen.”
Delani glanced at the clock. “He left, like, thirty minutes ago.”
“I still miss him. How long do you think they’ll be gone?” Pia whined, reaching for the bottle of nail polish to apply her second coat.
“It took us six days roundtrip last time,” I responded. “But we didn’t stop to murder someone, so I’d give them over a week to be safe.”
“A week with no sex.” Pia’s eyes bulged as she twisted the cap off the glass bottle. “Fuckkk.”
I sat upright and tucked my dagger away in my thigh wrapping. “Sebastian asked me last night if there was something going on between me and Sawyer.”
“Oh?” Delani raised a brow, waving her wet nails in the air. “Is there?”
“Gods, no. I was totally taken by surprise when he asked.”
Pia scoffed without looking up from her painting. “Really? I’m not surprised at all that he asked. You and Sawyer are super close. If you weren’t with Seb, I definitely would have thought there was something going on between you guys.”
“I’m not with Seb,” I reminded her.
She rolled her eyes. “Oh, whatever. Just tell me you at least gave him a kiss goodbye before he left?”
“Sebastian?”
“I meant Seb, yes, but if you kissed Sawyer, please enlighten me on how that was.”
“I didn’t kiss either of them. I’m not with either of them.”
“That's a shame. You better pray to the gods that nothing happens to Seb on this trip, or you’ll be really sorry you didn’t have one last dirty, sexy rendezvous with him,” Pia said matter-of-factly.
“Damn, Pia. Did you steal Maeve’s pessimism?” Delani scolded.
“Sorry. I’m already sexually frustrated,” she answered, her brows cinched.
Her comment ripped laughter free from all three of us, and for the first time since before the battle, I had a brief, but pure, feeling of joy.