Chapter 22 #2
His breath tickled my neck and he infused his words into my flesh. “That’s all we are? Really? Because I know your body better than mine, and I would bet my magic that if I were to dip my fingers into your panties right now, you would be wet and ready—because I think you secretly still love me.”
Gods. Could he read my thoughts? Or did he really just know me that well?
I almost choked on my own tongue. “Friends. Just friends,” I persisted, stuttering mostly to remind myself.
When I forced my eyes open he released me from the devastating touch of his body and shrugged. “You can keep telling yourself that.”
Reaching over him for my glass, I cleared my throat with a sip of whiskey as my eyes stumbled upon Pia and Kohen.
They stood with their bodies pressed together, as if nothing in the entire universe could ever separate them.
Kohen’s forehead dipped to hers. He placed a gentle kiss upon it, and she smiled up at him with stars sprinkled through her eyes.
I missed that.
“Back to the serious side of our conversation,” Sebastian’s voice stole my attention back, “can I ask you something? And I’m not trying to pick a fight or anything. I just need to know.”
Finishing off my drink, I muttered, “Go ahead.”
“Do you even try to see where I’m coming from, or do you automatically assume the worst of me now?” His voice held onto his composure, though a stain of sadness painted the question.
My body shook, from the buzz of the whiskey or the burn of his words, I was unsure. The mixed emotions inside myself boiled over when he slowly backed away, steadying his eyes on me.
“Sebastian…I saw the good in you when you couldn’t see it yourself. And despite what happened—” I took a moment to breathe, still trying to collect myself from his lingering touch, “—I still see the good in you now.”
His teeth raked over his bottom lip. “Are you sure?”
Distracted now by Pia’s giddy squealing, I barely mumbled out, “Positive.”
“Good.” He exhaled softly and straightened his back, as if the confirmation from me was all he needed to hear.
I nodded excruciatingly slowly while I observed Kohen and Pia dancing under the starlight. He twirled her by the tip of her finger, and for some reason unbeknownst to me, the sight made my eyes water and my nose sting.
My fingertips sparked with the cosmos, trying to release my emotions in physical form, though I fought them back with a clenched fist.
“Do you want another drink?”
“I’m going to my room,” I abruptly stated, forcing myself to my feet.
I marched towards where Delani stood with Sawyer, wiping a lone tear from my eye as I swiped a bottle of booze from his hand.
“You good?” I heard Sawyer ask, but I was already too far away to answer.
My feelings had me in a chokehold the entire walk back to the palace. “Happy belated birthday to me,” I muttered as I stormed up the spiral staircase and to my room, where I closed and locked the door.
Seeing Pia with Kohen and my friendly conversation with Sebastian just re-solidified the idea that he and I were really done.
And although I already knew that, it felt brand new again.
And it fucking crushed me because I missed having that connection with him.
I missed the affection. I missed him. I just didn’t know if I had it in me to relinquish my tight hold on the past.
Honestly, I was unsure if I even deserved that kind of love after the mess I’d made between us by holding a grudge.
It’s not that I didn’t want to forget everything that had happened, it was that my brain physically couldn't. Every time I reminded myself of how it felt to be loved by him, my mind replaced the joy with the pain of his betrayal, and I couldn’t shut either thought out.
Yes, I forgave him and we were moving in the right direction, but that didn’t mean we were fixed. It didn’t mean we ever could be.
Throwing myself down on my bed, I grabbed a pillow and cried into it.
When I had calmed down a bit and the jitters disappeared, I rolled out of bed and changed into some loungewear, sipping from my bottle as I did.
I wanted nothing more than to write right now, but refused to put my private thoughts on paper anymore. Not after what Lucan did.
I laid back on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling.
Sebastian was the first man I’d ever truly loved, and I thought he would have been the last. Maybe, deep down, he always would be the last person I ever truly loved, even if we weren't together.
Maybe he would always be the man that showed me what real love felt like, and also the one to show me how painful it was when it was ripped from your hands with the harsh reality of truth.
We’d been in Lumosia for about a month now, and I needed to put effort into attempting to move on. And though that was the only answer—the only possible outcome if Sebastian and I were really history—it still felt like a knife was being dragged through my heart.
It hurt. Too fucking much. I could feel my literal soul tugging at my insides, tearing me into more pieces with each second I spent thinking about it all.
Maybe this is part of what Blythe meant. “You let your mistrust of others, blah, blah, blah,” I grumbled, taking a swig from my bottle, wincing as the liquid made my head hum. Or maybe not. Maybe this was just shit relationship luck. Shit life luck.
Overwhelming was what it really was.
My head darted to the side when the sound of knocking battered my ears. I groaned, rolling my eyes back into my skull.
“Sebastian, if that is you, I swear to the gods—”
“It's Sawyer.”
“Oh.”
I opened the door for him, greeting him with a scowl that could kill. “What?” I snarked, turning my back to him and making for the window. I drew the curtains, not wanting even a glimpse of the stars.
“I’m not going to ask if you're okay, because by the look in your eyes back there, I know that you're not,” Sawyer said before I heard the door shut. “I’m not going to ask if you want to talk, because I know you will tell me to fuck off.”
“Damn right.”
His boots scuffed across the wood as he stepped towards me, coming to a halt a few inches from my back.
“And I’m not going to tell you that everything is going to be okay, because I know that’s not what you need to hear right now—and also because I don’t know that it is.”
He laid his hands upon my shoulders, using them to turn me to face him. “I’m not going to ask you anything except for this.” His green eyes sunk into my gaze, drawing me in. “What can I do to help you feel better right now?”
I hesitated for a moment while I tried to regain my composure, but decided that what I really needed was a hug from my best friend.
Sawyer held me in his arms, allowing my tears to absorb into the cotton of his shirt. The comfort helped, and I almost felt like I could rejoin the party if I really wanted to.
But then, my attention could not be pulled anywhere else except for the empathy that lined Sawyer’s features when I backed out of his embrace. For the first time in a while, I allowed that feeling of complete silence to absorb me.
So when he leaned forward and brushed his lips against mine, I granted myself mercy, giving myself the power to do whatever I needed to feel whole again. Even if the feeling only lasted a moment.
When I didn’t immediately flinch away, he pressed a palm into my waist and stepped closer to me, deepening the pressure of our mouths.
Quiet. My mind was silent aside from the buzz of a craving that I couldn't quite categorize. And I wondered if this was something I had overlooked all along.
He pushed me back against the curtains, using the window for support as he cupped his hands around my jaw, pulling my mouth closer to him. His lips were like velvet against mine, enticing me with soft, delicate motions.
Sawyer dropped one hand from my face, flattening it against the window to brace himself as he deepened our kiss. I parted my lips, allowing his tongue to cradle my own.
Maybe this was wrong, or maybe it was exactly what I needed. What we both needed. I had to move on—right?
“Maeve…” My name slipped free in a hushed moan. “We shouldn't be doing this.”
“I know,” I breathed into the seam of his lips. It was nothing like kissing Sebastian, but it was still a nice kiss all things considered. Just different.
“We should probably stop then,” he muttered, though his tongue said otherwise as it scraped against my teeth.
In the big scheme of things, what was wrong with two friends releasing a little pent up energy with each other? I knew damn well he’d been on high alert for just as long as I had. We both needed some sort of release. An outlet.
“Yeah. We probably should.” My voice was nothing but air as the words glided between us.
Despite my words, I didn’t move my mouth from his—our lips continued to caress each other amidst the conversation, though regret was sneaking up on me with each twist of our lips.
“But I really don’t want to stop,” he grunted in a tone that I’d never heard from him.
Without separating us, he lifted me up by my hips, settling me on the top of the window sill. One hand settled on the back of my neck while his lips followed, trailing tickling kisses down my skin before returning to my mouth.
His hand slid down the groove of my waist, gripping just above my hip before commencing its journey to the apex of my thighs. He pressed into me, and I could feel the undeniable hardness that laid beneath his slacks.
And guilt swallowed me whole.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
This is a horrible idea, Maeve. He is your ex-boyfriend’s best friend. He is your best friend.
Abruptly, my lips peeled away from his and I palmed his chest, shoving him back. “Stop! Stop, stop, stop,” I shrieked frantically, hopping off of the window sill, nearly losing my footing when I hit the ground.
It was as if self-awareness struck Sawyer at the same exact moment. His eyes filled with something like fear, and I knew that mine mimicked the same.
Damn you, whiskey.
What the fuck were we doing?
“Shit,” he drawled flatly, running a tensed hand over his chin, holding the other over his painfully obvious erection.
“Yeah, shit is right,” I scoffed before I began to yell as panic flooded my features. “What the fuck was that? Why did you do that!”
“Why didn’t you stop me!” he shouted back, tossing his arms out in front of him.
“You—I—Whiskey!” I stuttered, averting my eyes from the front of his pants and pointing to the bottle I had dropped on the floor.
He sighed deeply, though his face held a different expression than mine. “It was a moment of weakness.”
Chewing my bottom lip, I nodded, unease flowing through my veins.
Sawyer stared at me for a beat of silence, then pulled me into another hug, though my body was stiff this time. “Just a moment of weakness,” he repeated. “Nothing more.”
I nodded again, then pulled out of his embrace and looked up into his contrasted expression. Guilt wrapped a lethal chain around my throat, and my lips began to quiver and I couldn't move from where I stood.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered as tears fell off the bridge of my nose and into my mouth. My mind was stuck on Sebastian, and I couldn’t get him the hell out. And I didn’t think I wanted to.
“What? No, Maeve…Why are you apologizing? I kissed you. And fuck, I would have kept going, but—”
“It would have been a mistake,” I finished, cutting him off.
“A fun mistake, but yeah, it would have,” he answered, though his words didn’t sound overly convincing.
“Ugh,” I groaned, tangling my hands in my hair and throwing myself back on the bed. I needed to process whatever the fuck that just was, but not now. Avoidance would win again tonight. “Agree to pretend whatever that was, never happened?
He faltered, but nodded. “Of course. We’re good. Things will go right back to where they were. But not gonna lie, that was kinda—”
“Weird. Pass me the bottle,” I demanded, tossing an open hand up.
“I was gonna say hot, but yeah. Weird works, too.” He chuckled, though seemed mildly uncomfortable as he bent down to grab the bottle of whiskey.
Once firmly in my grasp, I took a swig. “Want some?” I waved the bottle in the air.
Sawyer sucked his lips in. “Probably shouldn’t.”
I licked the last taste of the liquor from my lips then twisted the cap back on the bottle. “Honestly, me either.”
My eyes glanced up at where he now stood by the door.
“Do you want me to stay?”
I scooted back up to my headboard. “Probably just going to get some sleep, if that's okay.”
He bobbed his head once before making his departure.