18 #2
Maika doesn’t respond, but I sense the drastic change in her breathing. A storm rages in my own chest, a mix of relief, a flash of envy, and a fear I don’t know where to place.
“The second factor,” Julianne adds, looking at me, “is the flexibility of the officer on board. Her ability to process an unorthodox plan proposed from shore, mobilize the resources of the port of Civitavecchia in record time, and, above all, not block her colleague’s initiative due to excessive bureaucratic zeal. ”
I swallow hard, feeling the collar of my uniform tightening around my throat. Maika looks down at her intertwined fingers, and I fix my gaze on the table. If I look at her now, I’ll break.
“The company isn’t looking for automatons who follow a barcode,” Arturo explains. “We’re looking for executives capable of managing crises when the manual becomes useless.”
“You’ve done an impeccable job under pressure, Maika,” Julianne concludes with genuine warmth.
Maika slowly lifts her head, taking the words in.
“Thank you,” she says, with a simplicity that makes my heart ache.
I feel a pang of guilt in my chest. I should have been the first to tell her that. I should have appreciated her, but I was speechless and at a loss for words when I had her right in front of me. God, sometimes I’m unbearable even to myself.
“Helen has done it too,” Maika blurts out suddenly.
I look at her immediately, but she avoids my gaze. She keeps her eyes fixed on the auditors, stating the fact as if it were a mere inventory item.
“If the security department hadn’t pressured the port authority to have that shuttle with its engine running at the Civitavecchia station, my plan would have ended with all of us watching the ship sail away from the dock. We worked as a team.”
I sit motionless in my chair.
Julianne flashes a faint smile.
“We’re fully aware of that. We’ve seen the interaction between the two departments.”
Arturo closes the tablet with a click that breaks the silence.
“And it is precisely because of that intense rivalry between the two of you that we must lay our cards on the table.”
Something in his change of tone sets off alarm bells in my head. My instinct detects the danger before my mind does.
“Due to some last-minute changes, the committee has selected both of you as the two candidates for the new management position. From this moment on, you are entering the evaluation phase. We believe that you, Maika, in particular, are outgrowing the role of entertainment coordinator.”
The hum of the engines seems to die down suddenly.
My goal. The goal for which I’ve sacrificed hours of sleep, personal relationships, and years of my life trying to be the most perfect worker in the fleet so that no one could question my ability—it’s turned into a competition, with Maika as my direct rival.
Something dark and very old churns in my stomach. It’s exactly the same dynamic as on our last cruise together, when ambition, attraction, miscalculations, and guilt poisoned everything until it became unbearable.
No. I can’t afford to make the same mistake again.
“If that’s what you’ve decided, I accept it,” I reply, forcing my voice.
Maika leans back in her seat, crossing her arms.
“How convenient,” she murmurs with a bitterness she makes no attempt to hide.
Julianne watches her.
“The company is aware that there has been a history of interdepartmental friction between you two. So we ask that you act with the utmost professionalism.”
My back tenses up. I highly doubt that headquarters has the slightest idea of what really happened and is happening between us right now.
“We always are,” Maika replies before I can. “Despite our differences, we manage to make everything work out.”
“Yes. The entertainment team’s improvisation always happens on the fly, and even if some safety protocols get broken along the way, our differences have never compromised the ship’s operational performance,” I reply mechanically, almost defensively.
Arturo nods gravely.
“We hope it stays that way, Officer Müller.”
Maika lets out a dry laugh.
“Of course. There’s nothing better for resolving unresolved issues between two people than putting them in a fight for the same leadership position.”
“We evaluate leadership under stress,” Julianne cuts in. “And, whether you like it or not, today has shown that things work out better when departments come together.”
Discovering that we’re better when we work together doesn’t relieve me; it terrifies me. Because if we’re a perfect team, how am I supposed to destroy it to keep the job?
When the auditors finally stand up, I feel like the walls of the room are crushing me.
“Take a break,” Julianne concludes, putting away her documents. “Today’s session was tough. But extremely revealing for the report.”
Arturo opens the door to the conference room.
“First thing tomorrow morning, we’ll begin the individual interviews in the captain’s office. Good night to both of you.”
And they step out into the hallway.
For a few very long seconds, neither of us moves. I stare at the black screen of the monitor on the wall. Maika keeps her gaze fixed on the porthole overlooking the dock at Civitavecchia.
“Maika…”
“No,” she interrupts, raising a hand. “Save me the lecture. Because now you’re going to tell me that duty comes before everything else and that personal matters have no place here.”
I close my eyes for a moment, swallowing my pride. Because yes, those were exactly the words I was formulating in my head.
“I wish it were that easy.”
Then she turns and looks directly at me. I wish she hadn’t. Her eyes are rimmed with exhaustion, but they also reflect a wound much deeper than her sarcastic remarks had hinted at.
“It’s always easy for you when the goal is a promotion, Helen.”
“That’s not fair, Maika.”
“It’s not fair?” She jumps up from her chair, standing right in front of me.
“I just ran through the center of Rome, I had a passenger collapse in my arms on a claustrophobic staircase, I spent minutes with no cell service, desperate to report what was happening, and I ran onto the gangway with the ship’s alarms blaring right behind me.
What’s unfair is not having received a single word of encouragement.
Not even a ‘Maika, everything’s going to be okay’ from you. Not even a hug!”
I’m speechless, the words stuck in my chest.
“I was also reeling from the pressure of what had happened,” I try to justify myself.
Maika lets out a bitter laugh.
“We were all stunned, Helen. The difference is that all your thoughts were focused on the damn company protocols and not on those of us who were suffering through all that chaos on land.”
“You have no right to reduce my emotions to mere ambition.”
“And you have the right to judge me for a mistake from the past?”
“I never said it was your fault at any point!”
“You didn’t have to, Helen. You always assume I’m a risk before you even bother to look or find out why I made a decision. As if an unforeseen event could be controlled or predicted.”
I press my fingers to my temples, feeling the onset of an excruciating migraine.
I’m exhausted. Scared. Upset. Trying to protect a career that I suddenly feel is under threat from a surprise audit, and at the same time, arguing with the only woman who has managed to throw my plans off balance—and who, to make matters worse, is competing with me for the one thing I’ve been chasing for years.
And I have no idea how to handle this situation.
“Last time, there were also… unforeseen circumstances,” I remind her. “And today it almost cost us a disaster.”
Maika tenses, freezing in place. The ghost of what happened materializes in the middle of the room. Her expression changes; anger gives way to exhaustion, to a disappointment I recognize because it’s the same mirror I’ve looked into many nights.
“Don’t make me the only one responsible for what went wrong back then, Helen,” she snaps at me. “I made a mistake, yes. I was afraid of losing my job when I was just starting out at the company. But I never did it to hurt you. My professional life doesn’t revolve around your rank.”
The words cut right through me.
“I didn’t say… And you don’t have a clue about anything either!”
Maika studies me for a second that stretches into infinity. And then, something in her gaze goes out for good.
“You know what? You’re right. I have no idea. Because you never let me get close enough to find out.”
I want to slam the folder down on the table.
I want to confess to her that I do care.
That when her call came in from Rome and I heard her agitated voice, my whole world shrank to that earpiece.
That when I saw her cross the gangway, exhausted but safe, I felt such an unbelievably violent relief that my chest ached.
That the position matters to me, yes, it’s my goal, but that she matters to me in a way that isn’t detailed in any maritime ordinance.
But the words won’t come out. They get stuck behind my pride, my rigidity, and that unhealthy need to always appear professional.
Maika gives a final, weak smile and shakes her head.
“You know what I say? Do whatever you want. I don’t feel like arguing with you anymore.”
Maika walks past me without quite brushing against me, opens the door to the conference room, and walks out without looking back.