Chapter 8 #2
‘That’s a big step, and with anybody else I’d say they were too young – but they seem incredibly committed to each other, don’t they? And he’s wonderful with Evan.’
I’m wondering if this is where the problem lies – does he feel like she’s making a mistake, potentially moving in with a man? Is he feeling protective but realising he has no right to lay down the law? It’s a complicated path to navigate.
‘He is. They’re both ridiculously mature for their ages, and I have no hesitation at all about James being in her life – not that it would matter if I did. She’s grown up just fine without me.’
I shrug, making no further comment. I wouldn’t say that Miranda’s life has been trouble-free – she was a single mum at nineteen, is estranged from her own mother, and is living in the back of a shop.
None of that is a disaster, and she has carved the positives from all of it, but none of it screams ‘I’m better off without you, Dad! ’ either.
‘So what’s upsetting you? What’s making you all moody and brooding?’
‘I don’t exactly know. She was talking with James about the future, and they were having this incredibly adult conversation about school catchment areas and stuff.
James was full of plans for getting a promotion so they could afford somewhere bigger when Evan was older, and…
Well, I wasn’t eavesdropping exactly, it was just like they forgot I was in the room, they were so involved in their plans.
It was… it was good. I mean, I want her to be with someone like him, who’s stable and knows what he wants and is willing to work to make it happen for them.
But then I started to wonder how I might fit into that future, or even if I did at all.
Maybe I’ll just be the weird bloke who pops up every now and then and stays in a tent in Archie’s field. ’
‘Maybe you will,’ I reply, making eye contact with him, almost against his will. ‘And maybe that will be enough for you and for them. Or maybe this will grow, and you’ll develop as a human, and, I don’t know, buy a motor home?’
He lets out a choked laugh, and I shrug helplessly. ‘I suppose my point is that you don’t know, Guy. This is all new to you, and to her. You’ve never laid down roots anywhere before, have you?’
‘No,’ he admits. ‘I’ve been pretty rootless.’
‘Me too, except I always had these – the roots of my childhood, this village. So I know that roots can be good, they can tether you in place and make you feel secure. But they can also wrap themselves around your neck and make you feel like you’re choking.
There’s good and bad in any situation, isn’t there? ’
He shuffles round to look at me, his green gaze probing.
‘But is that really true for most people? Or are we just extra screwed up? I have the awful feeling that it’s us.
That you could give either of us exactly what we think we want, and we’d still find a way to fault it.
To run away from it. It’s like we’ll never be satisfied. ’
I shudder a little, because that really is a horrible and slightly too realistic concept.
‘I don’t know. I don’t want to think that’s true.
I want to think we’re capable of changing and evolving.
Of being better. So, in your situation, you’ve been gone for most of your daughter’s life – but you’ve found her again.
And you’re not trying to just steamroller in and take over or make excuses for not being there when she was younger.
You’re being honest and open and you’re also helping build her a new house.
If that isn’t progress, I don’t know what is.
Plus, you might be in a tent, but it’s a tent in a field at the back of the house you’re building her.
How do you feel when you wake up every morning? ’
‘Usually sore,’ he replies, ‘but I know what you mean. And every day since I’ve been here, I’ve felt… hopeful? Grateful to see Miranda and Evan and for being part of their lives. Keen to get on with work I know is useful. Imagining a walk on the beach. Looking forward to seeing you at some point.’
‘Aw, shucks,’ I say, putting my hands over my heart.
‘Don’t get carried away, now. No use falling in love with me, I’m not the marrying type.
But seriously – there’s a good, solid list right there, my friend.
Reasons to Stick Around. Positive reasons, too – not “I have to stay or it makes me a dickhead”, or “I have to stay or I’ll let Miranda down again”, or “I have to stay because I don’t have anywhere else to go”.
Real reasons that mean you’re laying down roots that are going to nurture you, not strangle you. ’
Wow, I think, as I finish up that sentence. I’m really quite good at this. I should probably consider an alternative career as a motivational speaker. I can see him thinking it over.
‘Okay, makes sense. You’ve convinced me,’ he finally says, smiling. ‘I am coming down off the ledge. How about you? Were you out walking to avoid wanting to kill anyone?’
‘Indeed. I spent the whole morning with the mums and grannies of the Starshine Cove area, as well their offspring. Then I had a coffee with Cally, and then I took Lilly and Meg to the McDonalds at the retail park with my dad, and then I agreed to be part of that DNA testing project that Dan is doing for his course at uni. I had to swab my cheek, and I felt like I was a super criminal who’d finally been caught. ’
Guy laughs and reminds me that Interpol are still on my tail. He looks out of the window of the van and says: ‘That is a busy day. I can see why you needed a walk. You know if it ever feels too much, you can always pop round to my place?’
‘Your tent, you mean, Guy?’
‘Yes, but it’s quite a nice tent. And I have a camping stove, so I’m not without resources. I could offer you tea. I’m just saying – you don’t always have to escape alone. You can escape with me.’
Our eyes meet, and my heart does a little shimmy. Oh, I think, drinking him all in – if only we’d met at a different time, in a different place.
‘Thank you,’ I say, kissing him on the cheek before I open the door of the van. ‘That’s possibly the most dysfunctional and yet also romantic thing anybody has ever said to me.’