Chapter 11 #2
She nods, but there’s a tightness to her lips that she’s trying to hide.
I wonder if every time she can’t find him, her mind plays tricks on her.
I wonder if she’s expecting him to disappear again, and if so, how long it will take for her to trust him to stick around.
She’s taking a leap of faith by having him in her life, allowing him to be part of Evan’s world, and that can’t be easy.
She’s had to be tough, and the flip side of that toughness is that it keeps the good out as well as the bad.
‘He’s really happy to be here with you, you know,’ I say, patting her on the arm. ‘But as he’s a man, he might not have phrased it quite so directly.’
She snorts out a little laugh. ‘You’re not wrong.
I know he’s trying – he’s doing all of this for me, and he’s here but not pushing too hard.
He’s trying to make amends. And I know it’s not totally his fault that I didn’t see him when I was growing up, but…
well. I suppose I’m a mum now, and I know that I would never let anything separate me from Evan. I’d always find a way.’
She sounds a touch bitter, and really, who can blame her? And who am I to talk to her about her own father anyway? I’m not exactly an expert on familial relationships, other than messing them up.
‘Fair enough. But as you say, he’s here now. It’s good that you’re giving him a chance.’
‘Part of that is just for Evan, to be honest. My mum was… is… well, she’s not great, in all kinds of ways.
And I know she had a rough time as a child too, like my dad did – that’s how they met – and they really probably shouldn’t have had a kid of their own.
When I got pregnant, my mum hit the roof.
Called me every name under the sun and kicked me out of the house. ’
The shock must show on my face. I don’t want to judge another woman, especially one whose shoes I have not walked in, but that sounds harsh.
‘She changed her mind the next day when she’d calmed down,’ Miranda adds, ‘which was pretty typical. I’ve never seen anyone with a temper like hers.
But it was too late by then. I’d already decided that I had to go.
I was having my own baby, and I needed to break that cycle, you know?
I needed to get away, to start over and not have all of her issues hanging over us.
I needed to make something fresh and good for Evan.
And somehow, I ended up here, in the best place in the world, with the best people. ’
She looks quite emotional, and I remind myself again of how lucky I actually was as a child.
I never felt lucky, but I had so much. Stability, love, a life that I might have found suffocating but which also kept me safe.
I couldn’t wait to get away from here, and this young woman is clearly still in awe of the fact that she found it at all.
Evan gets bored of hammering the ground and goes off to investigate a tool bag in the corner of the half-built room.
Miranda seamlessly swoops him up into her arms before he can make contact with anything potentially dangerous and swings him around until he giggles.
It’s impossible not to laugh along with him, and all three of us are in fits of amusement when Guy arrives.
He’s holding a takeaway coffee cup from the café, and Miranda’s eyes meet mine.
She gives me a little nod, acknowledging that I was right.
Evan starts to wriggle out of her arms, runs towards Guy, and yells: ‘Grandad! Bang, bang, fix!’, delivering a hefty blow to the knee cap as he speaks. Ouch.
Grandad resolutely stays upright and takes Evan’s hand as he walks towards us.
The little boy is clearly delighted to have his play-friend back, the two of them unbearably sweet together.
Miranda misses nothing, and I wonder if it makes her feel uneasy – seeing how much Evan adores him, while at the same time not feeling totally confident that he will stick around. Quite the tangled knot.
She looks from me to Guy and seems to come to a decision.
‘Jake’s asked me if I can do an extra few hours at the inn today while he’s away. I was going to say no, because James is working too and Evan can wreak havoc in the pub kitchen. Would you… would you mind looking after him for a bit for me?’
I see the swell of emotion in Guy’s face, and the way he tries to hide it.
He’s trying not to show what a big deal it is, the fact that she’s trusting him like this.
Miranda is also playing it low-key, going on to say it’s no problem if he’s busy, that she can ask someone else or say no to the work.
It’s a weird joy, watching the two of them tiptoe around each other, both desperate not to put a foot wrong.
I suspect I’m feeling a bit emotional myself, probably because of my doctor’s appointment.
Because of my upcoming scan. Because I’m jam-packed full of hormones and having to finally face up to it.
This is real. It’s happening. I have a baby inside me, and that means I have something to lose.
It’s bloody terrifying, and I feel on the verge of tears.
Everything is heightened – the good, the bad, the scary.
Guy finally convinces Miranda that he is absolutely definitely not too busy to watch Evan, and Miranda finally stops making it clear that it doesn’t matter if he is.
Evan himself looks on, not having a clue why the grown-ups are making everything so complicated.
Everyone looks at him instead, and it’s impossible not to smile.
He’s a child – sweet, innocent, full of simple joy – and he overrides all the complicated nonsense that grown-ups let themselves get bogged down in.
‘Bang, bang, fix,’ he announces, with uncanny perception.