Chapter 28
I’m cleaning the kitchen surfaces again after a night of no sleep. I tossed and turned and tried to conjure up the image of Marco to ask him everything that is running around my head, tormenting me. How, when, where? Why didn’t he tell me? How long had he known?’
I look for signs of Marco, but he’s not here. It’s not the same house. It’s different, with a new beginning ahead of it, not one with me in it.
‘ Buongiorno ,’ Giovanni calls as he arrives, opening the front door with a cursory knock, as he has most mornings. It’s pattern of familiarity I’ve come to enjoy, but even this will end soon. Bello comes galloping in to say good morning too.
‘ Buongiorno ,’ I say, and try not to look him in the eye.
‘Everything okay?’ he asks.
‘Uh-huh,’ I say, still not looking at him, not wanting him to see my red eyes from the crying I’ve done all night.
Not wanting to feel as I do when I see him, which lifts me.
And I can’t let myself have feelings for him.
Because that would mean … Well, I don’t know what it would mean but it would certainly mean Marco and I were in the past. But maybe, having found out what I did last night, that’s exactly where we are, in a big sorry mess in the past, without the glorious memories of our life together, no matter how tough it got.
‘ Caffè? ’ I say, putting the cafetière on the hob, knowing the answer already.
A silence hangs in the air, as usual these days.
‘You doing okay?’ he says.
‘I am. Grazie. ’
‘Okay … Well, we’ll finish the plastering today and then we can start painting. Maybe we should have a painting party, get everyone to help.’
‘Yay,’ says Luca, coming down the stairs. ‘I can help. So can Pietro,’
‘And me.’ Aimee has followed him.
Giovanni smiles and turns to me, but when he sees I’m not smiling he frowns. ‘Thea, what’s happened?’
For a moment I say nothing. Then, ‘I spoke to Stella last night.’
‘Ah,’ he says. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’
‘Not really. There’s a lot to get my head around,’ I say, turning my forefinger at my temple.
He nods. ‘And her too, I’m sure.’
I’m stopped in my tracks. He’s right. None of this is her fault, but I have no idea how to make that better.
‘I’m going to La Tavola, to start getting ready for the cookery class,’ I say.
‘ Mamma? ’
‘Yes, Aimee?’
‘Does this mean Stella’s our sister? I’ve always wanted an older sister!’
There’s a knock at the door.
‘Stella!’ says Aimee and throws herself at her. I’m at a loss to know how to handle the situation,
‘Hey, how’s things?’
Aimee slides her hand into Stella’s. ‘Are you my new sister? I’ve always wanted a big sister! Now I have you!’
No one else says a word.
‘You told them, then?’ she says at last, her usual sass not in evidence.
‘We heard you and Mamma talking last night,’ Luca says.
Stella looks at me. And it’s almost as if I’m looking at Marco. It’s all so … messed up. Where is he when I need him?
Stella smiles at Aimee. ‘I am … if you’d like me to be. Actually, I brought you a present.’
‘Yay!’ says Aimee, and even Luca, although he’s standing back warily, is intrigued.
‘I just wanted to say,’ she looks at me again, ‘I know this was all a bit of a shock. I’m sorry you found out like this.’
There are so many things I should be saying right now, like no, I’m sorry she had to find out about Marco this way, and asking so many questions.
When Stella smiles, it could be Marco’s smile. She pulls open the basket she’s carrying, puts her hand into it and scoops out a little white kitten.
‘Ooooh!’ Aimee’s in raptures. ‘Can we keep him? Is he for me?’ She reaches forward and takes the kitten before I can step in, and it’s love at first sight. Mr Fluffy drops to the floor.
I rush over and pick him up.
‘ Mamma, look! He’s beautiful! I love him!’ She holds him to her face. I hold Mr Fluffy to mine as frustration swells in me.
‘No, Aimee, sorry, we can’t. Not with us going back to Cardiff. It wouldn’t be fair!’
I’m furious that I’m now having to take the little furry bundle from my daughter.
‘We can’t!’ I say, feeling wretched.
‘I thought it would help with the Mr Fluffy thing.’ Stella nods to the sad, worn-out rabbit I’m holding. ‘I found him in the hedge. The mother gave birth but she seems to have moved on.’
‘You can’t just give people pets! They’re not toys. They mean responsibility. We’re not going to be here.’
‘I was just trying to do something nice!’ she shouts.
‘Can I keep him, Mamma, pleeeease ?’
Stella looks between Aimee and me. ‘Look after him for now, yeah? I’ll look after him once you’ve gone.’
I give a huge sigh of relief. Once we’re gone. ‘I have to get to La Tavola, to confirm everything for the workshop next week,’ I say. ‘I’ve got accommodation to find, and a taxi company. Come on, guys. You can come too,’ I say to Luca and Aimee.
‘And Snowy!’ Aimee says, holding the kitten with one hand, the other in Stella’s. I don’t want my daughter’s heart to be broken all over again. I have to work out how to do the right thing for all of them.