June 30th, 2024
I don’t think I’d survive a gentle love.
I’ve tried gentle. Gentle is fine. Gentle is considerate and reasonable and checks in and doesn’t push too hard, and I appreciate all of that intellectually and I am so bored by it I could scream.
I want someone intense. Someone who looks at me like I’m the only real thing in his life. Not in a possessive way—or maybe in a possessive way, I don’t know. I’m done policing what I want at midnight on a Tuesday.
I just want someone whose attention feels like something. Like weight. Like it means something that they’re looking at me and not anything else.
I want to feel wanted in a way that changes me.
I don’t know what that looks like, exactly. I just know I haven’t felt it. I know the difference between someone being interested in you and someone being unable to look away from you, and I have only ever had the first one.
I want the second one.
I want someone who knows the small things without being told. Who noticed before I gave them permission to notice. Who has already decided something about me before I’ve said a word.
Is that insane? It probably sounds insane.
It’s just what I want.
On a Tuesday.
At midnight.
When nobody’s asking.