10. Chapter 10 - Liam
Madison remains quiet as she sits on the lid of the toilet with her foot in my lap. I run a cotton ball with alcohol over the broken blister on her pinky toe. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate Madison in a pair of heels, but seeing what it did to her feet and what all these women endure by wearing them has me irritated. Once more, I dab a fresh cotton ball and wipe the injury.
Air hisses through her clenched teeth and she places her hand over mine.
“I can take it from here.”
Tilting my head up, I raise an eyebrow at her. “Let me help you. I know you are fully capable of taking care of yourself, sweetheart. I want to help. There’s a difference.”
She cocks her head and bites her bottom lip, clearly holding back what she was going to say. Which is sexy as hell, but also allows me to continue. Those chestnut eyes study me as I retrieve the antibacterial ointment and place it over the raw skin with a Q-tip.
“I was never trying to dictate your life, Maddy. Or make you feel trapped by an overbearing, overprotective arsehole like me. I just wanted to lighten the weight you keep on your shoulders at all times. Weight that isn’t yours to bear, but you do it anyway. ”
I open the seal of the Lion King bandaid and remove the plastic tabs. Gently, I wrap the adhesive around her pinky toe before running my thumb up the arch of her foot.
“All done,” I rasp, patting the smooth skin of her bronzed calf. “Sorry, Lion King was all I could find. The house has changed to a baby-zone since you left.”
She lowers her foot off my lap as I stand and clean the garbage up. I rinse my hands and walk out of the en suite to change into something more comfortable. Entering my walk in closet, I grab a pair of gray sweats and a shirt, knowing Madison will complain about me being topless. Although…
Fuck the shirt.
A minute later, I find her sitting at the edge of the bed looking around. Narrowed eyes briefly take me in before landing back down to her lap where her hands are clasped together.
“I used to feel that at times you could be overbearing, but not an asshole, Liam. Your need to protect runs deep, anyone can see that. Especially for the ones you love. Or loved in my case.”
“I never stopped, princess.” My feet carry me to her until I am standing directly in front of her. I gather her trembling hands in mine. She’s so strong. Today was intense and I’m sure this place and all of us bombarding her with our affection is taking a toll on her. “Lainey and I started this past Halloween. We got drunk after Selena had hosted a party here. I was hoping you would have reached out—had you still felt something…anything for me. But…you never did. I hated myself for not having the courage to tell you how I felt. I kept reminding myself that you asked for space and I’d be disrespecting you by contacting you.”
“I’m sure Con gave you a daily update,” she jabs, crossing her hands over her chest. There’s that fire. This is the Maddy we have all been missing. The sassy little spitfire. When did she become so timid? So unsure of herself?
“Trust me, Con never spied on you while he was there with Lex. That doesn't mean I didn’t soak up any scrap of information he would willingly share. But I never asked. It killed me not knowing how you were. Or if you were safe. Over time, and very slowly, I moved on from completely numb to feeling the sensations of life again. I enjoyed spending time with my nephew. Hell, I even enjoyed getting to know Diego better. We found ourselves hitting the bars and gym together. And in a weird, fucked up way, his presence reminded me of you. That constant reminder was like a fix. Then Lainey showed interest in me that night at the party and I caved. I wanted to feel again. She showed me I was still capable of it.”
The comforter wrinkles as I take a seat next to her on the edge of the bed. A sad smile spreads across her face while she studies me, her eyes lingering on the tattoos at my neck before dipping lower to my chest.
“I’m not upset with you, Liam. Lainey is a sweet girl. I had my moments of jealousy over her in the past only because I knew she liked you. But I knew you would never entertain her while we were together. Now that we aren’t, it doesn't bother me. You had every right to move on. When you told me on Valentine’s Day that she’s always shown interest in you, I knew that she wanted you. I mean, shit . You two grew up together. She probably knows everything about you.”
A small chuckle slips out. She’s not wrong. Lainey could definitely give you a spreadsheet of my whole life leading up to today. Doesn’t mean she knows my heart though. That’s really my fault for not opening up enough.
For being guarded.
See, that’s the thing about love. So many different forms. Lainey loves me. I do believe that. The thing is, she loves what she knows of me; what she’s experienced with me over the years. She doesn’t know the full extent of my heart.
My biggest fears.
My soul.
Whereas Madison, knows the depths of my soul. All the darkness that encompasses it. Yet, miraculously, she still loves me. Least, I hope so. She may not know every single thing about me since birth, but she knows my soul. And that is more than enough.
It’s not that one love is more precious than the other. They are just very different.
With Lainey, this thing between us is simple. It’s carefree, uncomplicated, and natural.
With Madison, it’s deep, it’s enthralling. Reckless, even. Always twisting and turning and begging for more than we can give at times. Yet, we always find a way to burrow ourselves deeper than we had before. It’s something we had to work hard at every single day—even if it felt as easy as breathing. The love we shared was as complicated as all those systems working in tandem, reminding you to breathe. That constant tending to each system is what kept our love as strong as it was at the time.
Emotionally, mentally, physically.
“Lainey and I hooked up that night. That was the first time I had been with anyone since you.”
Madison worries her lower lip, prompting me to grip her chin and loosen her teeth from it with my thumb.
“I figured that. It would be hypocritical of me to feel differently, considering I had slept with Diego the night of my wedding. It’s not like I expected you to stay single and celibate.”
Her warm hand tugs my hand off her face and places it in her lap. She doesn’t release it though, which is a good sign. It means I get to explore this further. See where my head is at. I don’t want Lainey feeling second best. And again, she’s not. I just need something. A sign that this thing burned out between Madison and I. Or… perhaps she wants Diego. Hell, maybe she wants none of us at all.
“Don’t play with her heart, Liam. I left. I said goodbye. She’s lucky to have you. And she would make an amazing wife for the new leader of the Tri-State Syndicate. Congrats by the way.” A beautiful smile spreads across her face. I’d give anything to keep it there.
“Thanks, baby. It was for the best for everyone involved. Kil wanted to spend more time with his family. He realized his mistakes last year and asked me to take over. Everyone was agreeable with the decision because we are the same age and Jack trained us equally. I didn’t even need to go to Ireland.”
“Kil always wanted that family life. I’m happy for him.”
Her smile broadens at the mention of a family life. I know how desperately she desires a family of her own. It kills me that we were headed that direction before everything took a massive shit.
“If we were still together, you’d have been back in the spotlight again…the way it was with Killian.”
Mad tosses her hand out, waving it to the side. “Yeah, what a headache that was. I’m sure Lainey is more equipped to deal with that, being she grew up around it.” Her eyes have settled on my raven tattoo. That reminds me…
I tuck her purple hair behind her ear and caress the space where the delicate butterfly is inked into her skin.
“Nice tat.” I raise an eyebrow.
“It was a reminder of my decisions in this life and where it led me. To freedom, to change, to strength, and finding myself through a rebirth of sorts.”
I run my thumb along her bubblegum tinted cheek. “It doesn’t remind you of a certain someone with a matching tattoo?” Bastard had gone all out getting that chest piece of his. The artwork is incredible, but I knew who it was for. Was forced to see the damn thing every day at the gym.
“I mean of course it reminds me of Diego. He’s the one who calls me Mariposita . In a way, what happened with Diego in Greece, it pushed me to become stronger. I grew a spine. It encouraged me to chase the dreams I’ve always wanted and not the ones my family set out for me. ”
“You didn’t want to become a nurse?” I ask, genuinely curious.
“Don’t get me wrong. I’ve enjoyed helping people. Becoming a nurse wasn’t something I was ever against. I just…I don't know. I also enjoyed having a choice. It was more of a set plan my parents laid out for me rather than a personal choice.”
The moment her confession rolls off her tongue, I realize how badly I had fucked us up last year. Where I saw doing whatever it took to protect her as something good, even heroic… she saw it as removing her choice. That was why she was so adamant about staying to help Diego. She wanted to help. We were so focused on saving her and doing what we felt was right, that we ended up completely ignoring her choice. Well, I did . Killian tried to show me that.
Fuck. What a damn fool I am.
“Christ.” I run the hand that caressed her cheek into my hair, tugging at the back.
“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry if I ever made you feel you lacked a choice with me. Especially in Greece.”
“It’s alright, Liam. I knew you weren’t doing it to be malicious. You did it to protect me. I see that now. I’m telling you this because it explains the tattoo. It explains why things turned out the way they did with Diego. And I’m sorry, too. For any moment I made you feel like our love wasn’t enough. Diego was just the thing I needed after everything I went through. He understood my desires more than I did at times. That feeling of releasing control—but willingly—was everything I needed to mature. To become a stronger version of myself. You and Killian coddling me all the time was sweet, and it made me feel secure, but it didn’t help me grow.”
I release a massive sigh. “I get it now, Mad. I just couldn’t bear it if something ever happened to you and it was because Killian and I brought you into this life.”
“I actually missed it,” she admits, giggling more to herself. “I missed how strong and cherished I felt around you all. I felt like going to Arizona backtracked me in some ways where it supported me in others.” She leans in, her seductive jasmine and amber perfume awakens my senses and has all my blood flowing south.
“Can I tell you a secret?” she asks softly.
I lean in, mesmerized by her eyes and the long thick lashes that grace them.
“Mhm…”
“I’m terrified of scorpions,” she whispers.
I can’t help myself. I lean back and grip my stomach, letting out a hearty chuckle.
“Sweetheart, you have better knife skills than some assassins I’ve met. A scorpion should be afraid of you, not the other way around.”
“That’s my point. I went from feeling and acting my strongest to a complete wimp!” She hangs her head. “I want to come home,” she mumbles. The defeat that courses through her is something I need to change. Fuck , I hate seeing her like this.
I pull her into my chest, cradling the back of her head and rubbing gentle circles into her hair. “I’ve been staying at my place in Connecticut a few nights a week, to give some space to Killian and the family. You are welcome to stay there while you figure things out. As you’ve seen, I have a spacious guest room with an en suite. You could have your own space, and you’ll be close to your family. They’ll only be a ferry ride away. Just knowing you’re there and knowing I can protect you will ease my worries. You know being involved with us carries a risk.”
“I do. I’m ready to come back. Not to mention, Con and Lex could use a little space of their own. No better time than now with the wedding coming up. She told me tonight they want to get married this spring. Things are going to move quickly and they’ll probably need our help…” She is chewing on her thumbnail, contemplating her options. “Can I let you know so on? I want to talk to Diego and Lexi before I commit to anything.”
“Of course, love.”
“I don’t want Lainey to feel pushed to the side. If— If —I decide to move in, temporarily , I want you to continue to date her. Just because I came back doesn’t mean you forget about the life you had before my return.”
“She already discussed with me tonight that we are not going to keep seeing each other. At least not until I figure out you and I.”
“That’s really big of her. Is that what she wanted to talk to me about earlier?”
“Not sure. Perhaps she wanted to try and lay her claim, but after our talk earlier tonight, she understood where my head is at.”
The light of Madison’s phone glows between us. She bends her head to look at it and releases a sigh.
3:45 AM.
We all have an early start. I’m sure she wants to see her father in the morning. Hope blooms in my chest at the thought of her coming back tomorrow. I’m sure Sel invited her to Kian’s first birthday. It will give me more time with her—assuming Diego doesn’t go off gallivanting with her.
“We should get some sleep. I want to be able to see my dad during visiting hours tomorrow before Kian’s birthday.” Ahh, she is coming. “Lexi also mentioned dinner to discuss the wedding. I believe you are invited as well.”
“That so?” I play with my beard while moving to stand. Madison hops off the bed and retrieves her heels from the floor.
“That’s what she said.” She shrugs, a smile creeping onto her face before it turns into the cutest yawn. “Excuse me. Sorry, that was rude.”
Her tired feet stumble to the door. She cracks it open but lingers, turning around to glance up at me. I hold the door open, giving my hands something to do so I can stop touching her like she’s still mine.
“It’s late, you’ve been running around all day. And that wasn’t rude, it was cute as fuck.” I wink.
As if my good intentions were going to fucking last long, I reach out and stroke my knuckles along her bicep. Satisfaction fills me seeing the goosebumps spring up in their wake.
“Goodnight, Liam.”
“Goodnight, Madison.”