Chapter 21 #2
Their hosts toasted their reunion with Tilly, welcomed Angus to his new life in Provence for however long it would be and then chatted casually about the good things in their lives that deserved celebration.
Sophie and Luc talked about how much they were loving parenthood.
Tilly told them about the cowboy proposal in èze, boots and all.
Angus listened and smiled but found his thoughts drifting.
To the way Tilly had looked at him, as she was holding baby Maddie in her arms. That longing in her eyes for what was missing in her life.
He could feel it too. So clearly, he could quite easily imagine a Tilly in the future, standing there holding their baby.
But would she still look as if she was yearning for something she didn’t have?
She deserved to have the kind of passion and romance in her life that she believed was so important – given by someone who believed in it as much as she did, not someone who was just putting on a performance. Acting a part.
Sophie asked him about his work.
‘What does a risk consultant actually do?’
‘Rather a lot of boring stuff, like gathering the right people and making plans. An awful lot of time in front of a computer screen and endless meetings.’ It was the kind of automatic response that Angus had given Tilly when she’d asked the same question.
But she’d made him believe he wasn’t a boring person, hadn’t she? She made him feel… taller. Funnier. Kinder. Desirable.
As if he could be anything at all – as long as he believed in it.
As if he was worthy of being truly loved.
‘Sometimes not so boring,’ he added, with a smile. ‘I’ve got a situation at the moment that’s on quite a dramatic knife-edge.’
Not that he could say anything about the more intense meetings he’d had in the last couple of days.
The trial had finally been halted. An MRI on the first patient had shown abnormalities consistent with diffuse swelling in his brain, and when he had a seizure the following day and was admitted to the intensive care unit nobody had argued with Angus that any further dosing of other patients was both unethical and indefensible.
Tilly gave him a look that he could only describe as conspiratorial.
‘Talking about dramatic things,’ she said. ‘Angus and I walked up the Baou des Blancs the other day and I’ve decided that that’s where I want to do the photo shoot, Luc. It’s perfect.’
‘Really?’ Luc looked surprised. ‘I mean, it’s got a fabulous view that is definitely recognisable as the South of France but it doesn’t exactly scream romance, does it?’
‘That’s the whole point,’ Tilly said. ‘This is about diversifying. Tapping into new markets for people who don’t do the romantic nonsense with the sparkles and fairy lights.’
Both Tilly and Sophie flicked a glance towards Angus. Had Tilly told her that he was the most unromantic man on earth? Did she know that it designated him as never being anything more than a friend?
‘Show Angus some of your photos,’ she said to Luc. ‘I’ve told him about the bride with the wedding dress on fire but I didn’t tell him about that wedding we all did on Cap d’Antibes. You’ve got a photo on your phone, yes? Of the lightning shot?’
‘I can do better than that.’ Luc walked towards a single desk near the front door and picked up a large, thin folder. ‘I brought my portfolio to show a prospective client while I’m here. I keep a copy in there.’
It was the most remarkable photograph Angus had ever seen.
Breathtaking.
A bride and groom standing on jagged rocks, the veil about to be ripped away by a vicious wind, a black, angry sea and the even more jagged forks of lightning behind and above them.
Mother Nature’s fury, but the couple seemed oblivious to it, aware only of each other and their love as they shared a kiss.
‘Extraordinary,’ he murmured.
‘Pure luck,’ Luc said.
‘All hell broke loose after that split second,’ Sophie put in. ‘It could have been a complete catastrophe.’
‘But it wasn’t,’ Tilly said. ‘It went viral. Millions and millions of views.’ She was looking at Luc. ‘I know we can’t whip up a thunderstorm on the summit of the Baou des Blancs but I can see an image that’s still going to be powerful.’
The expression on both Luc’s and Sophie’s faces confirmed that Angus wasn’t wrong to think that this was out of character for Tilly.
‘I’m going to dress Clara in black,’ she continued. ‘Long boots and leggings and a waterfall cardigan. Antoine can be in black, too, with one of those hats like you used to wear as Le Phénix, Luc. What are they called?’
‘Fedoras.’ Luc was looking interested now. ‘He can borrow mine if you like.’
‘Yes.’ Tilly’s face was alight with her excitement. ‘They’ll be in front of the cross. There’s a place – you have to climb down the cliff a little way – and the cross is above and behind them. Like the lightning—’
Angus could actually feel the prickle of hairs lifting on the back of his neck.
He could see Tilly where she’d been just below the point where the cliff had begun to fall away more steeply.
He could feel the fear hovering like those ominous clouds in Luc’s photograph, ready to unleash something truly terrible.
He could feel the thump of his heart against his ribs.
Sophie was still staring at Tilly but Luc gave a silent whistle.
‘I can see it,’ he conceded, ‘and it’s alternative enough to appeal to a very different demographic but—’
‘But will it really fit with your brand?’ Sophie’s forehead was creased with concern. ‘The pure romance?’
‘It’s risky.’ It was an effort for Angus to keep his tone neutral.
‘You could alienate the people that want the traditional romance you deliver now. Clichés exist for a reason. Why don’t you use the terrace at La Maisonette?
Where you said Ellie got proposed to? Light all the candles and turn on the fairy lights.
It’s safe.’ He was aware that his indrawn breath was slightly uneven.
‘Safe is good. Do you even have insurance cover for injury caused by an unsafe location? There are no guard rails on that cliff face. I don’t think I even saw a warning sign. ’
It felt like he was protecting himself by switching into the mode that had made him so successful in what he did for a living.
He couldn’t let himself think about how it made him feel to imagine Tilly being hurt – or worse – but he could still feel that hollow sensation building in his gut.
His heart pounding. And a heat that was new.
Maybe he was angry at having done precisely what he’d sworn he would never do in allowing himself to become vulnerable to the heartbreak that destroyed too much of his father’s life.
Maybe that was why he could hear an edge of anger in his voice as he carried on talking.
Falling in love in your personal life was as ill-considered and stupid as taking totally unnecessary and dangerous risks in your professional life.
‘What if your models or future clients end up with a lifelong disability or someone gets killed?’
Or you do. The unspoken words came, unbidden, from the back of his mind and it felt as if they were already coated with grief.
This was what was inside that damned bubble, wasn’t it?
This was why it had suddenly felt like he’d been fighting for his life.
This fear that, like Tilly had suggested, you could love someone so much that it wasn’t that they made your life better, it was that they became your life. And that gave them the power to destroy you.
Like he’d watched his father being destroyed.
Angus was staring at Tilly as the excitement drained out of her face, but he couldn’t stop now any more than he’d been able to stop ranting at her the first time they’d met, when he’d been listing all the romantic things he didn’t want to appear in his holiday – even though it felt like he might have already conquered whatever it was he’d been fighting.
‘Could you live with that?’ His voice was weary now, which made it sound cold. ‘Your business certainly couldn’t. It would cease to exist. You’d be bankrupt virtually overnight.’
Everyone was staring at him.
Nobody was saying anything.
And, into that silence, came the ringtone of Angus’s phone.