Chapter 22 #3
It didn’t even need the words of love to be a risk she couldn’t take. If she sent the first message, she’d never know if he felt anything like the same need for the connection she was missing so desperately, or whether he was simply echoing her to be kind.
To play the part.
Tilly knew that, one of these days, she would have to let go of that fairy tale. Her closest friend had been gently nudging her towards accepting reality for a long time.
‘You expect perfection, Tilly, but it doesn’t exist. True love can be a messy, unromantic rollercoaster but you know what? If there were no storms, who would really appreciate a beautiful day?’
She knew that.
She’d always known that.
But, in a secret corner of her heart, she still believed in magic too.
* * *
The ring that Moira had on her left hand was the first thing Angus noticed when he walked into his office.
‘Oh, my God, Moira. Are you engaged?’
‘I am indeed. And I’m so happy.’ She held her hand out to admire the subtle sparkle of a small classic solitaire diamond on a plain gold band. ‘This was Douglas’s grandmother’s ring. Isn’t it gorgeous?’
Angus could see that the ring he’d chosen would have been completely wrong. Had Tilly really thought it was the most beautiful ring ever?
‘But you’ve only known him for five minutes.’ Angus could hear the doubt in his voice. ‘Are you sure you’re doing the right thing?’
Moira just smiled. ‘You’ll find out one day. When you know, you know.’
‘But how do you know?’ Angus was genuinely curious.
He was also deeply envious of the certainty in Moira’s voice.
The ghost of her time with him as a potential husband-to-be was nowhere to be seen, or even felt.
By either of them, it seemed. Apparently there was more truth to be acknowledged than how he felt about Tilly.
If Angus had had anything more than a friendly affection for Moira, surely he should be experiencing regret right now?
Loss? A jealously directed at Douglas, even?
He wasn’t feeling any of those things.
What he was feeling was a bone-deep, painful yearning. For Tilly.
He swallowed. Hard.
‘How can you be so sure it’s not going to fall apart just as fast?’
‘You can’t.’ But Moira was still smiling. ‘You just have to believe that it will be forever.’
Angus was staring at Moira but he was still thinking of Tilly. Still missing her so much his heart was aching. What was it she’d said like that? Oddly, the French words were the first he remembered.
Un acte de foi.
And then he remembered her translation being ‘a jump of faith’ and he could feel a corner of his mouth lifting as Moira continued talking.
‘We all know we’re going to die one day, Angus. Hopefully it will be when we’re ninety-nine years old but you never know, do you?’
‘Probably just as well.’
‘Precisely. You can’t live life thinking about it, either, because you’re not really living, are you?’ She didn’t give Angus a chance to answer the question. ‘No. What you’re doing is dying very, very slowly. Inch by inch.’
Angus was still staring.
Really living… When had he felt like that?
By the lake, that’s when. With the sun sparkling on the water like a million diamonds.
When he’d remembered what his father’s dying words had been.
When he’d been kissing Tilly.
And maybe lost wasn’t the right word for how he was feeling right now.
Angus had the horrible thought that Moira had hit the nail fair and square on its head.
Maybe he was dying very, very slowly. Inch by inch.
Because the sparkle wasn’t there any longer and he knew perfectly well why it had gone.
Tilly was too far away.
It had been right in front of him all this time and he hadn’t recognised it thanks to all those walls he’d constructed so carefully ever since that awful day when he’d seen his father cry.
What was missing from his life wasn’t simply the visible components of a wife or a child or a dog. It was the glue that held them together, and that had nothing to do with romance.
It was unconditional love. Love that you could trust as much as finding oxygen in the next breath you took. The kind of love that would forgive anything and make everything worthwhile. The kind of love you could die for.
The kind that made you feel you were more than you ever thought you could be.
That you were The One.
That you were enough. And always would be.
Angus didn’t feel lost now. He knew exactly where he needed to go and what he needed to do when he got there.
The only thing he was missing was a map.
‘I’ll be in my office,’ he told Moira. ‘I’ve got a new project that might well take up all my time for the rest of the day.’
‘Let me know if I can be of assistance.’
‘Thank you, but I think I need to do this one alone.’ Angus opened the door to his office but paused for a heartbeat to take a deep breath.
For the first time in his life, he was going to willingly embrace a risk, even though he knew perfectly well how devastating the fallout could be.
He was going to take an unthinkable risk because choosing to avoid it was simply not an option.
Walking away was not possible. Not when you knew you’d recognised the place that you would always belong.
Yet again, his secretary had proven herself to be wise beyond her years.
When you know, you know.