Chapter 48 Archangel
FORTY-EIGHT
ARCHANGEL
We don’t get a moment to breathe. We do interviews after team brunch the next morning.
Thankfully, the team publicist kept the questions strictly about hockey because, since our win, more publications have picked up the story about Wolfe and me, and we haven’t had a chance to talk about what we’re going to say.
The next two weeks are basically school, sleep, and event after event.
Among the whirlwind tour, we get a key to the city and meet the mayor, are put on a cereal box, and get recognized by New York’s pro hockey team, the Dragons.
I’m not sure I’m fully processing it as it happens, and that will come.
And in spite of it all, the best part of my week is waking up next to my best friend. I see our future in little glimpses, and more than ever before, I need this to work, and I’m starting to believe it might.
“I see you watching me,” Wolfe says without opening his eyes.
“How?” I reach out to skim my fingers over his shoulder.
He stretches out a massive arm and drags me into his chest. “Goalie eyes.”
“That’s made up. I was watching you, and I didn’t see you open them.”
He presses his lips to my forehead. “You know, today is the first day in weeks we don’t have anything to do.”
“I know.” I’ve been looking forward to it for days.
“And nothing better fuck it up.” He pushes his knee between mine.
“I’m turning off both our phones and locking the doors.”
“We need a no trespassing sign.” He pulls back enough to look at me.
“I don’t think that will do it.”
“Are we going to finally talk?” He takes a strand of my hair and tucks it behind my ear.
“I think we should, but this also better involve lots of sex.”
“Are you saying you’re tired of quickies?” He brushes his lips over mine.
I give over to his mouth. “Not tired of them. I love a good quickie, but I want more.”
“I want more too. I haven’t had time to show you how much I love your body.”
“I’m hoping that means a blow job.”
“I can’t believe you’re pressuring me to give you a blow job before marriage.”
I shove him, but he wraps his arms tighter around me. “I’m taking it personally.”
“At least the bruise on my neck is nearly gone, and it hurts a lot less to move my head.” The bruise on his neck is in the worst stage of browns and yellows. He’d been pretty limited to any extreme neck movement, but the trainers were happy with how it’s healing.
I trace a finger tip over the spot. “How’s it feel?”
“Can’t be as bad as the one Ktytor gave you.” He gives me a look.
“I’ll enjoy not having bruises anymore.”
“Have you decided you’re serious about not playing anymore?” Wolfe turns serious.
“We’d never be in the same city. Even now that I’ll probably get on a major instead of a lower level. I don’t want to do that grind.” But it’s more than that. The long distance would be miserable.
He studies me for a moment. “Can we be fully honest today. Say everything we’re thinking?”
My heart clenches. “Okay.”
“What else did you want to say just now?” How does he always know?
“I don’t want to be away from you for that long. I’m not willing to do anything that would destroy us.” Saying it feels entirely too vulnerable.
“It wouldn’t destroy us. Nothing can, but I don’t want you that far away either. I could never ask you not to do what I’m going to do, though. It’s not fair.”
“It’s different. Hockey isn’t the same for me.”
He strokes his fingers through my hair. “I still couldn’t ask it of you, and selfishly, I want you to keep living with me.”
“I want that too.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Spend your money.”
He bursts out laughing. “You may have to wait a few years.”
“You know I’m joking.”
“What will you do?”
“I guess it depends on where you end up. Maybe I’ll apply for post-graduate degrees.”
His eyes widen. “Is that something you’re interested in?”
“I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and yeah, I am. I want to work with queer kids. I was thinking social work, or maybe a therapist.”
He wraps tighter around me, pressing his face into my chest, rolling half on top of me. “I honestly didn’t think I could love you more.”
“Are you fucking serious?”
Had he really just said what I think he said? And more?
I pull his hair, needing to see it on his face.
“I—” Panic flashes in his irises.
“I love you too,” I say in a hurry, wrapping my arms around his neck, keeping him in the safe space between us.
“You don’t have to say it just because I did.” He rests his forehead against mine. “I know this is early.”
“It’s not early. I’ve been in love with you since high school.” I didn’t mean to admit it, but it just came out.
“While I was with Stephanie?”
I break eye contact and nod.
“I’m so sorry I put you through that.” He cups my cheek, making me look at him again. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you weren’t into men. I wasn’t going to ruin our friendship.” I almost don’t say the next part, but then I remember my promise. “I’m still struggling with it and letting myself want this means believing something about myself I don’t know if I can.”
“What do you mean?”
“That in any universe you’d want me.”
“Why wouldn’t you believe I want you?”
“Because my reality for so long was crafted in the idea that you were straight and would never return how I felt. I wanted so badly to turn off those feelings because I feared every day I’d fuck up things.
I never wanted to cross a line and make you uncomfortable or make you feel bad that you couldn’t return it.
” It’s hard to say, hard to tell him the depth of what I’d buried.
He carefully wipes my eyes with his thumb. “I never would have held it against you. But I do want you. I want only you.”
“I want only you too.” I break down, and he holds me while I hold him.
“So you’ll come with me wherever I get drafted?”
“Yes. I’m not giving you up when we just figured this out. You’ll already be traveling and gone a lot. I’m not giving up more of your time than that.”
“And are you okay being out?” he asks carefully.
“Cat’s kinda out of the bag there with all the pictures, and you’re going to be asked about it when you don’t have a publicist threatening everyone’s life. And if you forget, I’ve been out.”
He gives me a flat look. “Dating a professional hockey player is a different level of visibility.”
“I’m not saying you have to comment on it, but I don’t want to hide.”
“Good. I could never hide how I feel about you.” He’s too perfect, and I hate him a little for it, but at least he’s mine.
“I love that you don’t want to hide me.”
We kiss and explore each other’s bodies. Not really seeking out a release, but more so seeking comfort in skin on skin. It’s slow and lazy, and there’s no better way to spend a Sunday morning.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“You know how, when you were just helping me out, you said I could fuck you any time I wanted?”
“Yes…what about it?” I say, finding the direction change strange.
“Does that stand?”
“You want to use me whenever you want?” I’m hard just thinking about it.
“Yes,” Wolfe says, breathless and clearly turned on by the idea.
“I guess you’ll have to put a ring on it,” I tease.
His mouth hangs open. “I’m gonna remember that.”
“No! I was teasing. Do not add this to your blow job stuff as more reason!” I’m never beating the wanting to marry him allegations now.
Fuck.
“You said it, not me.” He’s got such a wicked grin on his face, I know he will never drop it now.
“It was a joke.”
“Sure it was.”