Chapter 13 #2
“Six years ago, I got a call from my mother in the middle of the night. Lila had been in a horrible car accident. Her car had gone over the guardrail on the mountain pass road. Just ten miles away from where you and I are standing right now. She was living in Albuquerque, so why the hell was she 250 miles north of where she was supposed to be? The police on the scene said she had been speeding and must have taken a turn too quickly—based on lack of skid marks. That never sat right with me. Lila was a lot of things, but she wasn’t some idiot who raced around narrow mountain roads.
It was hours before she was found by another driver, and by then she was already gone.
Mom was already catatonic, so I drove down—I was living in Montana at the time—to deal with everything and pack up her apartment.
When I got to Albuquerque, I talked to her friends, desperate to figure out why she’d been up there in the first place, but she hadn’t shared her plans with anyone.
“Losing Lila shattered my mom and me. She was our spark, and without her, we didn’t know how to be around each other.
I was ten years old when Lila was born, but that didn’t stop us from being close.
After I moved out, we made it a point to talk on the phone at least once a week.
She always called me when she got in the car, which is why I had such a hard time accepting that she would go on some last-minute road trip without telling anyone.
Without calling me at the very least. Lila always had something on her mind and when she didn’t, she just liked to call and shoot the shit, give me a hard time about whatever I was doing.
She was making plans to move back to Boise after she graduated…
that…knowing that she’ll never get to come through on all the plans she’d made.
She was the opposite of me. I’m always jumping around from one job to the next, never knowing where I’ll land, but Lila had it all mapped out. ”
Shayne’s voice wavers, and I reach over, putting my hand on his arm. He keeps his eyes trained on the distance in front of him but covers my hand with his own, threading our fingers together. He clears his throat and then starts again, his voice stronger this time.
“I don’t do social media,” he says, and I gasp in mock surprise. He meets my gaze for a second, flashing a small smile.
“Who cares what I ate for breakfast? I’m covered in hay and horse shit most of the time. No one needs to see that.” A piece of his hair has fallen into his eyes, and my fingers ache to push it back into place.
“I’m pretty sure thousands of people would pay good money to see you covered in anything, even horse shit.” I settle for elbowing him lightly in the side instead. He rolls his eyes at me.
“Lila was big into all that crap. I spent the weeks after her death going over texts, emails—everything. But I couldn’t figure out what brought her out here.
Nothing made sense. One of the last photos she posted was the one you saw, with Andy—yeah it was Andy—at the karaoke bar, but of course I didn’t know who it was at the time.
I asked her friends, but they didn’t know either, so I just assumed it was just another night out at the bar.
It was torture not knowing what happened.
But as much as I didn’t want to, I had to accept that maybe it was just a whim.
Maybe she woke up that day and just wanted to go for a drive.
I blamed myself. I still blame myself. I should have checked up on her more. ”
Shayne stands, his eyes full of anguish.
He walks a few feet away with his back towards me.
I can see how hard it is for him to relive these memories, and my heart breaks for him.
His shoulders are braced so tightly, he’s like a guitar string ready to snap at the slightest touch.
Time doesn’t lessen heartache; you just get more accustomed to the weight of it.
After a few more moments, he turns around to face me again, and it’s like a curtain has closed behind his eyes.
“A month ago, my mom calls me out of the blue and asks if I can help her get Lila’s old room sorted finally.
After I cleared out her apartment in Albuquerque, I’d just brought everything back to her old bedroom and left it in boxes.
Mom was done living with a messy shrine.
So I went and helped her. It was brutal, as you’d expect, being surrounded by Lila’s world again.
All the guilt came back. I spent the whole weekend sorting clothes, books, and whatnot, and it wasn’t until the very last fucking box that I found this. ”
Shayne steps around me and walks back into the cabin. Seconds later, he returns and hands me a small black notebook. I flip through the first few pages and see that it’s a journal.
“Finding that little book right there is why I’m here now.” Shayne reaches over and opens the notebook to a dog-eared page towards the back.
“Go on, read it,” he tells me.
The first entry on the page is a short one:
7.2.17 - Met him at Lovington Chamber Classic. We hooked up in an empty stall and almost got caught. Stupidest thing I’ve done recently but also very hot. Hope to see him in Gallup next month.
When I’m done reading, I glance up at Shayne. He makes a rolling motion with his wrist, silently telling me to read on. The second entry is from a week later. Also short and graphically to the point:
7.9.17 - He couldn’t stay away. Jack in the Box parking lot at 2 a.m. Guy gets off on fucking somewhere we might get caught.
I glance up at Shayne, “I don’t know if I’ve got the stomach for reading your sister’s sex journal today.”
“Yeah, sorry about that. I forgot those first few entries were just Lila being... Lila I guess. Imagine how I felt reading it the first time. Skip to August,” Shayne says, looking somewhat embarrassed. The expression looks out of place across his rugged features.
I turn the page, and the first entry is from August 17—the same day she posted the photo in the karaoke bar.
8.17.17 - Had the best night out. He’s hilarious and down for anything. He’s sleeping next to me right now. I could get used to this.