Chapter 45
Rowan
A noticeable shift took place within me as the days passed. My wounds – both physical and emotional – began to heal, and I soon found myself no longer consumed by suffocating fear. Jesmina’s creams helped with the physical, but it was Caelan’s unwavering devotion that helped with the emotional.
Nightmares, once my relentless tormentors, retreated into the depths of my memory, plaguing me less and less with each passing night.
And the silent battle that raged within me, fuelled by the haunting memory of Caelan’s face twisted into the visage of my tormentor, began to abate.
His steadfast commitment to assist me to move on soon had the walls I had erected around my heart crumbling.
Allowing his love and tenderness to seep in.
Warming the barren chambers that had long been devoid of light.
The anxiety of those first few days after I had returned home soon fell by the wayside, and a new normal took over – one where I no longer jumped at shadows, or retreated into my cave.
Caelan had moved the sofa from the sitting room to my bedroom in order to be close when I slept.
The silent gesture spoke volumes. And though I could not yet bring myself to invite him to my bed, his presence ensured I slept more soundly.
My mind was at ease knowing he was there.
Christmas had come and gone with nary a thought.
However, preparations for Hogmanay buzzed throughout the household.
Maids and houseboys diligently scrubbed and polished every nook and cranny.
Ashes were swept from the fireplaces. Water was sprinkled about the rooms, and when I enquired as to why, Jesmina shared with me ancient traditions passed down through the generations.
One such tradition, I’d been told, was that on the morning of the thirty-first, as dawn broke over the horizon, the castle would be enveloped in the fragrant smoke of juniper branches.
This ritualistic purifying was believed to drive out negative energies, ensuring that the fresh year would begin unburdened by the shadows of the past.
I liked the sound of that and told her so.
It was while talking with Jesmina that a strange flutter rippled through my lower abdomen. It was so peculiar that my hand automatically moved to my belly, my eyebrows lowering.
“I’ll be preparing you some tea, milady,” Jesmina stated, her eyes on my hand. “If you want, that is.”
I stared at her in momentary confusion before a small “oh” escaped my lips.
The Quickening.
“I believe that will be needed, yes. Thank you, Jesmina.”
Retiring to the receiving room upon her departure, I tried to recall all Aenan had told me. Tried to prepare myself for what was about to happen.
“You seem deep in thought. What has you frowning?” Caelan asked when he joined me a moment later.
“I think I am about to go through my first Quickening. Or so Jesmina believes.”
His eyebrows shot to the top of his forehead. “Oh.”
“Oh?”
“Uh… you recall what I told you about the days leading up to your courses?” Seeing the frown on my face, he seemed to struggle with what to say next, but the memory of him telling me about the undeniable sexual urges that got stronger unless acted upon returned, bringing with it a slight feeling of dismay.
“Oh… I – I’m not sure I’m ready for that,” I said, feeling uneasy.
Caelan sat beside me. “I know, but I think you need to prepare yourself for what will happen should you choose to not act on that side of things.” I remembered then that he’d mentioned it became painful for those who ignored the urges.
“For the time being, it may be best if I moved back to my own room.”
“Caelan?” I stopped him with a hand to his arm when he went to leave. “Is this going to affect you too?” He’d previously mentioned bonded pairs shared the effects.
“I’m not sure, lass; I can only go on what I’ve been told, so I think it’s better all round if I lock myself away.”
I chewed on my bottom lip when he left, tapping my finger on the chair arm. If my choices would cause him pain, that didn’t sit comfortably with me.
Jesmina returned while I was thinking about it. “Jesmina, what happens if I don’t… uh… if I don’t—”
She handed me a teacup and took the seat beside me. “If you don’t act upon the impulses, milady?”
“Yes,” I said, relieved she understood without me having to say it.
“Well, I haven’t been through that particular scenario myself, but I have heard of it from another, so I can tell you from that account?
” I nodded, and she continued. “For the first couple of hours you are going to feel that flutter you felt earlier, but it will get stronger and stronger throughout the day until it starts to feel like cramping. Which, if you’ve had them before, can be painful. ”
I understood that, having experienced cramps a time or two. But she made it sound like something… more.
“As the Quickening gets more intense, your desire to act on your sexual urges will increase as well. This is usually where the pain will go away, as the contracting of the uterus during lovemaking helps to alleviate the cramping. If this doesn’t happen, then the Quickening can swiftly become agonising. ”
“What about Caelan? Will he feel the same pain?”
“Yes, milady. A bonded pair will share the same feelings and the same urges. When you start to feel pain, he will start to feel pain, but through your bond. When you feel the urges, he will want to act on them with you. It is nature’s way of drawing bonded pairs together.”
“Is there anything I can do to lessen his pain? I don’t want this for him,” I said, distraught.
“I know those with strong shields can alleviate what is sent down their bonds, so that will help. Otherwise, I may be able to make you a tonic to assist with the pain. But as for the other… Really, there is nothing that can be done for that. Sleeping may help, or…” She glanced away before looking back at me.
“You can try to ease the effects yourself,” she said with a raised eyebrow.
I caught her meaning.
“I think the tonic may be a good idea,” I said as another flutter ran through my stomach.
“I’ll go prepare you one now. I will bring it with your tea every day so you can take it when you need it.” She smiled at me reassuringly before leaving for the kitchen.
As the day progressed, the light flutters gradually intensified, morphing into dull pains that twisted through my abdomen in relentless waves. With each passing hour, the cramping grew more insistent, demanding my attention with an almost rhythmic persistence.
Seeking refuge from the unremitting ache, I retreated to my quarters, calling for a hot bath.
I was soon sinking into its soothing waters in search of relief.
I lay there for a while, basking in the temporary reprieve, my thoughts on Caelan.
I hadn’t seen him since earlier that day and wondered if he was okay. If he felt what I felt.
I considered searching down our bond, but I was trying hard to keep my walls up, to keep every single brick in place.
I wasn’t sure why I found it so difficult to maintain that wall.
But I did. Maybe it was because I had always been so open about everything.
Always just spoke what was on my mind. Well, until recently.
Another particularly powerful cramp heaved through me, nearly folding me in two, closely followed by an ominous twinge of… urgency.
Oh, my bloody bleeding sweet baby Jesus. What in the new hell is this?
A wave of desire swept up my legs, curling my toes as heat surged through me like a lightning bolt. “Oh, fuck. I don’t think I can do this.”
Suddenly the heightened feel of the water upon my skin was too much and I quickly got out, desperate to dry off. But a pulse of desire radiating from between my thighs had my legs collapsing.
“Oh my God,” I groaned. It felt like I was on fire.
Regaining my feet, I made it to the bed, collapsing on top, my legs writhing in unanswered ecstasy.
The need to touch myself, to have someone else touch me, was overwhelming, and I knew Caelan had made the right decision to move to his own room.
But when another wave rolled through, causing my back to arch off the bed, I tentatively put a hand between my legs, hoping to relieve the pressure.
No matter how much I tried, I could not bring myself to completion, and my arousal was now so intense it was painful.
As I lay there, thrashing in pain and unspent desire, my legs scissoring on the bed, I reached for the tonic, hoping to quell one, if not the other.
The bitter aftertaste nearly made me gag, but it wasn’t long before a floating feeling spread through my body and my muscles relaxed, the pain dissipating.
There was still a throbbing between my legs, though. A maddening urge to fulfil my desires, but it was… manageable… if not quite ignorable. Lessened enough that I was soon able to welcome the sweet release of sleep.