A Recipe for Christmas

Chapter 1

1

Eight weeks before Christmas

How many Lindor chocolates can you fit into your mouth at the same time? Three isn’t as easy as you may think. I have one in each cheek and another on my tongue. I stare at the ceiling, waiting for them to melt and deliver their silky sweetness. I pick up the television remote control and flick through the channels to A Place in the Sun as one chocolate melts, making room for a fourth. Impressive, well-practised chocolate manoeuvring.

Then I consider mixing things up. What if I add a square of dark chocolate and sea salt? It would be like a party in my mouth! I’m smiling, as if I’ve got the best secret in the world. Maybe I have. Right now, I’m the only person who knows it and that feels extra exciting. Well, me and one other. And I cannot wait to share it.

I pick up my leavers’ package. As an HR manager I’d put it together for employees facing redundancy. I flick through the pages, skimming the words I’d written. I’d read them aloud, if my mouth wasn’t full of chocolate.

‘Stay positive. See this as a new beginning, rather than the end … Keep yourself busy … Stay in touch with friends … Take up a new hobby … Give yourself time to work out what you want to do next.’

I pop a fifth Lindor into my mouth, trying not to let the chocolate ooze out between my teeth. I throw the red and gold foil wrapper onto the coffee-table to join the others and carry on flicking through the pack. When I wrote it I tried to put myself into a leaver’s shoes. And now …

The doorbell plays its cheery tune. I swallow the chocolate, scoop up the wrappers and put them with the pack on the work surface in the kitchen.

‘Hey!’ I smile, opening the door. My two best friends pile in with boxes of pizza, more chocolates and bottles of prosecco. There’s Shloer for Marianne and her bump, which is way more obvious than it was last week – I can’t help putting a hand to it as I hug her.

It’s what we’ve done every Thursday night for as long as I can remember, taking it in turns to go to each other’s houses, now that we no longer share one. Those days are long gone. Life has moved on from when we all worked in the local department store, me in the café, Raquel in Make-up and Fragrance, and Marianne in Womenswear. Well, it’s moved on for them anyway. I went from the café to Home Furnishings to Personnel on the top floor, or Human Resources as we call it these days. Raquel and Marianne have bought their own homes and have partners, Marianne has the baby on the way, while Raquel is running her own make-up artistry business and is planning her second wedding. I have a tenant living with me, which helps pay the rent and fills one of the rooms. Now, in a moment of madness, I’m leaving the place I’ve worked all my life! My stomach flips over with a mix of excitement and fear.

‘So how was work?’ Marianne eases herself onto one of the kitchen chairs and shoves a cushion from the neighbouring seat behind her back. I never knew what ‘blooming’ meant until I saw Marianne go from party girl to mum-to-be. I turn off the TV on the worktop, push aside the leavers’ package, fetch the plates from the oven where they’ve been warming and put a bowl of salad on the table.

‘And how were your work drinks last night?’ asks Raquel, opening a bag of Maltesers, picking one out, tossing it into the air and catching it in her mouth as she always does.

I drizzle the salad with a dressing of red wine vinegar, honey, olive oil, garlic and a generous twist of black pepper, then fold the leaves over and over until they’re all coated and glistening. I miss cooking. I haven’t done any in ages. Not since we all lived together, really.

I used to cook at home, growing up, but very basic stuff and mainly out of necessity. I didn’t have the sort of mother who baked. Once I was working and able to look after myself, she moved to Spain with her then partner. I stayed with a friend of hers until I could rent a room of my own. Cooking made me feel I was in the now. When I felt lost, just stirring a pan of beans helped.

In the café at the department store I enjoyed making breakfast for early shoppers, cakes for afternoon browsers. When I moved into the offices and my friends went their separate ways, I left cooking behind. Making salad to go with our Thursday-night pizzas is the closest I come to cooking, these days. I’d like to do more, now that everything is about to change, and I feel a fizz of excitement, like a firework getting ready to whoosh.

‘Pretty standard,’ I say. ‘Geoff from Bathroom Fittings led them all in the Macarena, at which point I snuck off!’

Raquel shakes her head. ‘I can’t believe he’s still doing that.’

‘I’m surprised the store’s still going. People don’t go out shopping much any more. They do it online. I got a great deal on my wedding dress. I sent the company my measurements and it came in no time,’ says Raquel.

‘People browse, but they go online to shop. Black Friday bargains are where it’s at. I miss the one-to-one interaction with shoppers. I loved being in Grocery when they were short-staffed, helping people choose what they needed.’ I shake my head. ‘They were happy days.’ The words catch in my throat. ‘Were! I can’t believe I’m saying that!’

‘Let’s eat!’ says Marianne, saving me from sadness, but she has no idea how I’m feeling – excited, terrified, anxious, happy … I just need to line the words up and tell them.

We open the pizza boxes and fold the lids back on themselves.

‘Pineapple!’ says Marianne, looking in disgust at my favourite topping.

‘You’d find a way to make a roast dinner sweet if you could.’ Raquel pops open the prosecco and pours it into the glasses I’ve put on the table, with the Shloer for Marianne, who is adjusting herself in her chair.

‘I would! A little dark chocolate in the gravy, with red wine!’ We laugh. ‘And you love chocolate as much as I do!’

Raquel smiles. ‘Yes, but I’m trying to cut down. I’ve got a wedding dress to get into.’

‘I think it’s good for the baby,’ says Marianne. ‘I bought us a dessert pizza too – Nutella and marshmallow!’

‘ Yesss! ’ I say.

We all fall about laughing.

‘I love chocolate! And pizza! What better combination?’ I bite into a slice.

Raquel sips her prosecco, and I try to put into words what I’m turning over in my mind.

‘So, what’s been happening this week? Anyone got any news?’ asks Raquel, and puts a forkful of salad into her mouth.

‘Baby’s getting bigger!’ says Marianne, rubbing her belly. ‘My mother-in-law wants to call him Wilf if he’s a boy.’

‘Wilf?’ we chorus.

‘Well, my mother-in-law-to-be has presented me with a list of extended family and friends she’d like to invite to our wedding,’ says Raquel. ‘One of the cousins wanted to see a menu as her husband’s not keen on fancy food. And then she asked if she could bring a supermarket ready-meal for him.’

‘ What? ’ Marianne practically falls off her chair.

‘Actually,’ I hear myself saying, still not sure how to deliver this. ‘I have news.’ I’ve done it.

‘Really?’

They fall silent and stare at me. I never have news. I do the same thing every week. I go to work, have pizza and prosecco with them on a Thursday, Pilates on a Friday.

‘Don’t tell me, there’s been a bust-up in the staff kitchen over Friday cakes! Someone keeps leaving thumbprints in the coffee eclairs so no else can eat them and it’s going to a hearing.’ Raquel grins.

I almost choke on a piece of pineapple.

‘Or more details of your new squeeze? How’s that going?’

With a slug of prosecco I stand, pick up my leaver’s pack, bring it to the table and put it down.

Marianne picks it up and flicks through it. ‘You’re revamping the leavers’ pack?’

I laugh with a hint of hysteria.

‘No. This one is mine.’ I sip my prosecco.

‘You’ve been made redundant?’ Marianne slaps her hand onto the table.

‘That’s outrageous! After all the years you’ve given them!’ Raquel is on her phone already. ‘Do you want me to get you a solicitor? I know someone who could help!’

‘No, no. I’m going to follow my own advice. I’ll see this as the start of the rest of my life. I took voluntary redundancy. They were looking for people to go and I decided … to go.’

They stare at me in stunned silence.

Marianne breaks it. ‘Well, that sounds exciting!’ She burps. ‘Excuse me. It must be the shock.’

Raquel is still gazing at me in disbelief. ‘You took redundancy?’

I nod. Suddenly all my positivity is seeping away.

‘You’ve got a plan, right?’ Raquel says, sounding worried, and picks up the pack. ‘“Try not to dwell on things,”’ she reads aloud. ‘“Stay active.”’ She looks up at me. ‘You’ve got another job to go to? You sly thing! You didn’t say you were applying for anything. “Get back into the workplace as soon as you can. Stay positive!”’ she reads from the pamphlet.

I cringe. I wrote it but never expected I’d be talking to myself. But I am positive. Very positive. I take another swig of prosecco. ‘No new job. Not yet. I want to do something different. I’m not sure what but it’s time for a change.’

Raquel and Marianne look at each other and I know what they’re thinking. That I don’t do change. But I do now. It’s time. I take a deep breath.

‘I broke my Mr Tickle mug at work last week. I’ve had it for so many years that it got me thinking about things. Life. Geoff doing the Macarena at everyone’s leaving do – and they’re happening more and more regularly. You’re right, the company isn’t going to be around for much longer and I didn’t want to wait for it to close down. It was like a sign.’

‘You broke your Mr Tickle mug and it was a sign,’ Raquel repeats. I know it sounds a bit mad. ‘But you love that job!’

‘I don’t think I do. I loved knowing how to do it, where everything was. And I knew everyone. But, really, is that enough? You two have moved on, while I was stuck with my Mr Tickle mug and cakes on Friday!’

‘So you want a change?’ Marianne says slowly.

I can tell they’re wondering what’s happening and where the real Clara Mackenzie has gone.

‘I’m going to be forty next year!’ I say. ‘You two have partners. You’ve bought houses and Marianne’s starting a family. I’ve just been sitting in the office with life passing me by.’

‘Says here they’ll pay half towards a course of your choice for retraining.’

‘Yup.’ I help myself to a slice of the chocolate and marshmallow pizza. I take a bite and my eyes roll heavenward. ‘This is fantastic! I could eat it all day every day.’

‘Any course you want?’ Raquel asks.

I nod again. ‘This is something everyone should know about,’ I say, and take another bite of the sweet pizza.

‘You could do food blogging?’ Marianne says, as Raquel reads through the list of suggestions I’d included in the pamphlet.

‘Or gardening for beginners. Write a novel. Wedding planning. Floristry.’

‘I’d do glass-blowing!’ Marianne says.

‘Silver surfers.’

‘Hey! I’m nearly forty, not sixty!’

And we laugh again.

‘Carpentry?’

‘No!’

‘Golf!’

‘Absolutely no!’

‘Stitch and bitch?’

‘Stitch and what?’

Raquel puts down the pack. ‘And they pay for this?’ she asks.

‘Yes. Well, they pay towards a course. And if you don’t complete it, you have to repay the fee.’

‘Yes, but you’ve got your redundancy money. You’ve been there for ever! You could do something you’ve always wanted to do! What do you fancy?’

I put down the pizza slice and try to dust off my sticky fingers. ‘Actually, that’s not my only news.’ I swallow.

They look up at me.

I take a sip of prosecco with still-sticky fingers around the stem. ‘It’s the guy I’ve been seeing.’

Marianne puts her hands together.

‘Oh, no, don’t tell me he’s turned out to be another frog!’ Raquel frowns.

‘Far from it.’

‘What’s his name again? Dominick, David?’

‘Daniel.’

‘I knew it was a D. Tell us more. How was your weekend away?’

‘Sounds so romantic, meeting up halfway between where you both live for a weekend of lovemaking,’ says Raquel.

I blush at the memory of last weekend.

‘That’s not the first time you’ve met up for a weekend with Daniel,’ says Marianne. ‘Are you two dating officially?’

‘Yes, we are. Official.’

They lift their glasses. ‘Woo-hoo!’

‘I’d hoped he was going to be the one from what you said about him. He’s funny, with a good job and no baggage,’ says Raquel.

‘Great in bed!’ says Marianne, and I blush again, wishing I hadn’t shared quite so much with them on the last two Thursdays.

‘Here’s to kissing lots of frogs before you find the one you’re looking for!’

I try to ignore this reference to my online dating history. ‘Actually,’ I clear my throat, ‘he’s been offered a new job.’

‘Great. Where?’ Marianne’s eyes widen with interest.

I put down my glass, and prise my sticky fingers away from it. My phone vibrates and I glance at it. ‘Oh, God! It’s the WhatsApp group for recently redundant employees I set up. They want me to go for the cake and coffee morning to talk about how I’m feeling.’

‘What about Daniel?’ Raquel asks impatiently. ‘What’s the job? Is it near here? Are you going to get serious?’

‘It’s not near here.’

‘Where is it, then?’ Raquel frowns.

I take a deep breath. ‘Switzerland.’

‘ Switzerland? ’ They fall silent, excitement on pause.

‘I’m so sorry. I thought you and he were really going to make it! God, this dating malarkey is tough!’ Raquel says. ‘I can’t believe I got lucky with Jake. I knew as soon as I met him that he was the one. It’s a lottery!’

‘It is.’ I push away the pizza and help myself to one of the Maltesers Marianne is popping into her mouth.

‘That’s why I’ve decided I’m not going to put myself through it again.’

‘I don’t blame you, darling.’ Raquel puts her hand over mine.

‘I’m done with online dating,’ I say firmly. I toss the Malteser into the air, open my mouth – and miss. I grab it from the table and put it into my mouth.

‘I couldn’t do it,’ says Marianne. ‘If I hadn’t met Levi at the Michael McIntyre gig, I don’t know if I’d ever have settled down.’

I look at my two best friends, Marianne with a baby on the way, Raquel on her second marriage. And then there’s me: in the same job for the last twenty-three years, living in a rental property with a flatmate I barely see. The highlight of my week is pizza and chocolate night with Marianne and Raquel, who have more going on in their lives in a week than I do in a year. Now is my time to do something for me, something adventurous, before I hit forty in January!

‘What are you going to do?’ Marianne asks. ‘There must be plenty of jobs out there for an HR manager with your experience.’

I shake my head. ‘I don’t want to swap one job for another that’s the same. At least, I don’t think so. I want an adventure. I don’t want to spend any more days drinking out of a Mr Tickle mug in the office kitchen.’

‘Shame about Daniel moving away. You could have tried living near him in London, see if he was the one.’

I take a deep breath. ‘That’s why I’ve said I’ll go with him,’ I say almost shyly.

‘Did she just say what I think she said?’ Raquel squeaks at Marianne.

A grin tugs at the corners of my mouth. I put in a handful of Maltesers and try to keep them there, which is hard as I’m smiling so much.

Raquel raises a smartly polished nail.

‘Did you just say you’re going with him? To Switzerland?’

I nod vigorously, crunching and swallowing. ‘I’m moving to Switzerland! With Daniel!’

‘I can’t believe this!’

‘You’ve taken redundancy and are moving to another country with a man you’ve just met?’

‘When are you going?’

They’re talking over each other.

‘Next week!’

‘ Next week? ’

They fall quiet again.

‘But you’ve only just met,’ Marianne says eventually. ‘Surely you’ll give it a bit of time before you go, do a few trips, see if you like it first.’

‘No. I’m going when he does. Another tenant is moving in here.’

Raquel cuts in. ‘How many times have you met up in person with Daniel?’

‘Well, yes, it’s a bit quick, but we think we should go for it. I mean, on paper we’re perfect for each other. I say on paper … on the app. And we get on so well – we talk and text all the time.’

‘And we know they get on in the bedroom!’ Marianne raises an eyebrow.

My cheeks burn.

‘Look, I know it sounds exciting, but I’m not sure you’ve thought this through,’ says Raquel.

‘I’ve thought about nothing else since he suggested it. What if it’s the right thing? What if this is my chance of happiness?’

I look at them and they look at each other. I want them to be happy for me, not think I’m completely mad.

‘I really think this could be it,’ I say, as if I’m pitching the idea to them. And that’s exactly what I am doing, I realize. ‘My chance to have met someone, the one. Everyone else is moving on with their lives, and this is my chance. I just need to take that leap of faith.’

Raquel nods slowly and pats my hand. ‘I don’t want you to make a mistake. I know how easy it is to get it wrong when you’re desperate for it to work.’

‘Or it could be exactly right,’ I say. ‘We may not have known each other long but so far everything ticks the boxes.’

‘And sometimes you do just have to take a chance,’ says Marianne, and I can see she’s coming round to the idea.

Racquel still looks doubtful. ‘Your dating history hasn’t been great. You’ve been catfished, ghosted –’

‘But now—’

‘– and you’ve only just met Daniel!’

‘We could go on meeting every other weekend for ever. We like each other. He hasn’t catfished me. Or ghosted me. I know what he looks like. We’re into each other. And we won’t know if we’re each other’s happy-ever-after unless we try,’ I say, feeling more confident as I go on. ‘I’m not stupid. Daniel’s got a flat with work and we’re going to give it our best shot. Say … until Christmas.’ I look between them. ‘You two have found love. I want it too. I want you to be happy for me. This is it. I’m going on an adventure. Of course we’ll have to work at it but we’re ready to do that. I’m taking what they call in the movies a big leap of faith. And I’m excited! I just want you to be excited too.’

‘This isn’t like you, Clara,’ Raquel says.

‘Yes, where is the real Clara?’ Marianne peers under the table, trying to lighten the mood.

‘Exactly! That’s what makes it so brilliant. I don’t want to be the old Clara any more.’

‘We just don’t want to see you hurt again.’

I sigh, grateful for their concern. ‘I know. But Ben was a long time ago. I thought he was the security I was looking for after my mum left. But it was a bump on the journey. I’m ready now, older, wiser. I’m going into this with my eyes wide open. We’re just taking a chance to be happy. Finally, I’ll have a Christmas of my own. In our apartment. We’ll have a tree, decorations, presents. A proper Christmas in Switzerland. What could be more romantic? It’ll make up for all the Christmases I’ve had here on my own.’

They nod and smile slowly.

‘If you’re happy, we’re happy for you.’

‘Thank you.’ I lean over to hug them.

‘You’re going to Switzerland!’ exclaims Raquel.

‘What will you do there?’ asks Marianne.

I smile slowly. ‘A course. It doesn’t state in the leavers’ pack what country the course has to be in. I’ll do something to tide me over, while I work out what I want to do next as we get settled in.’

‘What sort of course?’ Racquel laughs

‘Well, um, cookery, sort of.’

‘That’s brilliant! This is your time to find a new skill, and if it’s cookery, great!’

‘Well, not actual cooking.’

‘No?’ Raquel wonders.

I think I might explode with excitement.

‘Chocolate! We’re going to Switzerland, the home of chocolate. Imagine, days just full of it …’

‘Chocolate’s great!’

‘Better than sex some say,’ adds Raquel.

‘More dependable,’ says Marianne.

‘Who doesn’t love chocolate?’ Raquel rips open a box of Dairy Milk.

‘Cute cabins and hot chocolate for six weeks. It’s up in the mountains.’ I grin. ‘It’s got to be better than sitting here waiting for my fortieth to come round!’

Marianne bangs the table again. ‘Go to Switzerland! And send chocolate!’ she commands.

‘Snow, mountains, all the chocolate you can eat, and a gorgeous man with a fab new job. What’s not to love? I thought it was mad. But you’re right! Take the chance!’ Raquel says.

‘You’ve finally met the man you want to be with and are taking the plunge!’ Marianne’s eyes fill with tears. ‘What’s not to love indeed?’

And then Raquel says seriously, ‘Just promise us that if it doesn’t work out you’ll come home. It won’t matter. No one will judge you.’

‘I just feel this is everything I want right now.’ There’s a crack in my voice. I’m taking my chance on love and hope love is doing the same with me. It’s been a long time since I’ve allowed myself to feel loved. My redundancy looks to be the best thing that could have happened. This is Fate.

I cannot wait for my new life to begin! My life with Daniel in Switzerland, my new chapter.