CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Am I that pathetic?
JAKE
The drive home for the holidays is lonely. I’ve taken this route home a million times, but today it feels wrong.Vanessa should be here with me, but I’m the only one to blame for why she’s not.
A month ago we were on the same highway, flipping through radio stations until we landed on a song we could both belt out. I’d give anything to listen to her sing classic rock songs with me in the car again.
I don’t think she’ll ever forgive me.
I thought that surprising her on campus might’ve given me an advantage, maybe taking her by surprise would be beneficial.
It wasn’t.
I wanted to tell her I made a mistake and that I lied, which, in hindsight, was a big fucking mistake.I only hurt her because her breaking up with me was the worst pain I have ever felt. I gave Vanessa my heart on a silver platter, and she grabbed a steak knife and sliced it to pieces. I was ready to go to the next step and she wasn’t. For all I knew, she couldn’t care less about me.I wanted her to feel like her heart was ripped out of her chest, just like me. It was wrong of me to do that. I know that makes me an asshole, and I have to live with the consequences.
I don’t want the consequences to be having Vanessa completely out of my life.
Although that’s how it feels. The other night, Maddie dropped off a box of my things at the house. The gift I got Vanessa for her birthday, photos, and trinkets from our time together—our entire relationship was shoved in that box.
I pull my Jeep into the gravel driveway, just like I’ve done a thousand times before. The snow crunches under my tires, it seems like the Cape got hit with a storm last night. I’m sure Autumn will want to build forts and have a snowball fight the second I walk in the door.
I grab my duffel bag from the back seat, leaving the presents for later. I’ll sneak out tomorrow night to get them and stuff them under the tree so they’re there when everyone wakes up on Christmas morning.
“I’m home!” I call out into the empty living room, my words echoing off the walls.
I drop my bag onto the heated hardwood floors, another upgrade Dad added to the house a few years back.The door to the basement is left slightly ajar, and I can hear voices wafting up the stairs.
As I get to the bottom, I find my family gathering all the Christmas decor from under the stairs.
“Ah, perfect timing.” Dad notices me first, tossing me a box full of decorative pillows.
“You’re not seriously decorating on Christmas Eve’s Eve?”
Mom peeks her head out from under the stairs, a cobweb stuck to her hair. “We wanted to wait for you!” We decorate the house together every year. Normally I try to come home in between exams to help set everything up, but there’s been so much going on lately that I didn’t get a chance to come home sooner.I also may have been putting off coming home because I have no idea what to tell my parents about my relationship.
“I was grateful at first, not having to lug all this stuff upstairs without you, but Mom has had us working all morning . I wanted to go outside and start working on my snow fort for our snowball fight later, but she used her secret Mom powers and convinced me to organize her collection of Santas.” Autumn huffs a stray hair out of her face, her arms full of mini-Santa Claus statues.Mom loves them and every year she seems to add more to her collection.
“Don’t worry, even if you worked on your fort all morning, there’s no way in hell you’d win in our fight.”
She maneuvers the statues in her hand and flips me off. She definitely missed me.
“Well, now that I’m here, put me to work. You guys head upstairs and I’ll grab a few more things and follow you up.” I place the box of pillows onto the ground and sift through the rest of the decorations.
Ten minutes later and the dining room is filled with a ridiculous collection of tinsel, reindeer, and knickknacks.Dad and I bring up the Christmas tree from the basement, setting it up in our main living room.Mom goes through each room, placing a smaller evergreen in each, decorating them with different colored bulbs and ornaments.
Each room is color-coded. The living room has soft whites and gold, the kitchen has red tinsel and bows hanging from the cabinetry, and the nautical-themed family room is decked out in deep blues and light grays.
I wasn’t joking when I said Mom goes all out on Christmas. I wish Vanessa was here to see it. At Thanksgiving, I thought she would be here with me.
“Hey, can you help me bring in some firewood from out back?” Dad clasps his hand on my shoulder, breaking my thoughts.
“Sure. Let me toss my stuff into the loft first. I’ll meet you outside.”
I grab my discarded bag off the floor and run across the deck, tossing it inside my room before making my way behind the house to the shed. Dad is already there, making a small stack of firewood for each of us to bring in.
“How was the drive?”
“It was fine.”
I lean down, scooping a handful of logs into my hands, not caring if I get a splinter.
“And how are you?” Dad’s tone changes, and I know what he’s secretly asking. He wants to know why I’m home for the holidays alone .
I swallow the lump that settled in my throat. “I’m good, same as always.”
I give him a curt nod before heading back inside. I don’t feel like hashing out my feelings with my dad before Christmas. I can deal with all this shit after the holidays. I can pretend to be happy for the next few days, I just can’t think about Vanessa.
If I don’t think about her then the next few days will go by in a breeze.
“I think my head is going to explode.” I poke my head into Autumn’s room. She’s sprawled on her bed, a book resting in front of her.
“Are mom’s candles giving you a headache too?”
I enter her room and plop down next to her, grabbing a fuzzy black pillow and tucking it under my head.
“No. Well, okay yeah, the cinnamon maple one is burning my eyes, but that’s not it. I can’t seem to get Vanessa out of my head.”
“Aw, you’re so in love with your girlfriend you can’t stop thinking about her. How sweet.”
“ Ex-girlfriend.”
She stops flipping the page of her book, and turns to me, shock written across her features. “You finally get into a real relationship, and it only lasted a week? What the hell happened?”
Her insult doesn’t affect me. Growing up with Autumn, I’m used to her constant teasing and brutal honesty. I also think she’s going through a bit of a rebellious phase because the last time I was in her room it was bright pink with fluffy pillows and now it’s dark gray walls filled with posters and vinyl records.
I shrug. “She broke up with me.”
“What did you do?”
I sit up, leaning on my arms. “Commitment issues mixed with me being an idiot.”
“Okay, elaborate please.”
“Vanessa broke up with me because she thinks we want different things out of life, and she doesn’t want either of us to resent one another.” I save her from the rest of the messy details.
“And you didn’t fight for her? Tell her that she’s crazy and you wanna marry her.”
“Autumn.”
“What? I’m just saying what we all know.” She gets up, putting her book on top of her dresser. “When you came home for Thanksgiving, you were so goo goo ga ga over her. Mom didn’t shut up for weeks after. She and Dad kept saying, ‘Jake found the one.’”
They never said anything to me after we left. They told me they were excited for her to come back for Christmas, but other than that, our conversations mainly consisted of hockey, school, and what was going on at home.
“Yeah, well, I kind of fucked up too.”
She crosses her arms over her chest. “I knew it. What did you do, asshat?”
“You’ve gotten meaner since I’ve left.”
“I’ve always been mean, stop dodging the question.”
She’s good. She knows all my diversion tactics.
“Vanessa thinks I slept with someone the night we broke up.”
Autumn’s face turns cold. This is the first time I’ve ever felt a little scared by my younger sister.
“She came by my place and a friend stayed over. Nothing happened, but I was hungover and still pissed from the night prior, so when she showed up unannounced and assumed I did something, I let her believe it.”
Autumn smacks her forehead. “Jesus, Jake, you are such a big, stupid idiot. I can’t believe New Jersey wants such an airhead on their team.”
“I wasn’t thinking.”
“Obviously! What possessed you to be such an asshole all of a sudden? I knew you weren’t into relationships, but I thought maybe once you got into one you would change.”
All right, that one hurt a bit.
I know I don’t have the greatest track record, but I would never cheat on Vanessa. I’m a fucking fool for letting her believe I screwed Caroline. I made a stupid decision in the heat of the moment, and I don’t know what I’ll do if I can’t tell Vanessa how sorry I am.
“I tried fixing it, but she won’t even speak to me.”
“Can you blame her? If I was Vanessa, I would’ve slashed your tires and egged your house.”
I lie back down, letting out a long breath. I should’ve kept this to myself. Sometimes it’s nice talking to your sibling about life, getting a different perspective on things, but Autumn’s definitely laying it on thick. I deserve it.
“Maybe you should talk to Mom and Dad. They’ll probably give you better advice than me.”
“I’d rather cut off my balls than talk to Mom and Dad about this. So don’t bring it up.”
“ Whatever. You’re just cranky because you screwed up with Vanessa and I beat you at Catan the other night.”
“I would’ve won if you didn’t take away my longest road card.”
“It’s called strategy, Jake. Wanna play Mario Kart till dinner’s ready?”
Memories from Vanessa’s birthday graze my mind. Her eyes lit up walking through the house, seeing all the decorations and everything we put together. I just want things to go back to the way things were.
We play for a while, Autumn kicking my butt more times than Vanessa has. She’s about to win the final race when Dad calls down the stairs for us to come up for dinner.
It smells fucking heavenly as we enter the dining room.On the table there is a spread of turkey, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, asparagus smothered in parmesan, fresh buns, and gravy. My mouth waters on instinct.We each load up our plates. Me and Dad both add heaping scoops of mashed potatoes and gravy onto ours. It’s winter break, so my diet is on pause for the remainder of the week.
For a few minutes the only sound in the room is forks scraping against plates. I think we starved ourselves all day for this meal.
“So, did I miss anything important these past few weeks?” I ask no one in particular.
Autumn nods as she shoves a spoonful of mac and cheese into her mouth. “I got into Florida State.”
“Autumn, it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full.”Dad’s voice is stern.
That’s not something I’m used to. He only uses that voice when he disapproves of our choices. Like when I was twelve and broke my elbow rollerblading with my friends. In his defense, we thought it would be fun to race down a hill and try to jump off a ramp. His tone was valid.
“Dad isn’t thrilled I applied there.”
I raise my eyebrow, looking at Dad. “Why?”
“It’s a party school. It’s out of state. I don’t know why you don’t want to go to Boston Central like your brother.”
“They have a great dance program in Florida, Dad. I can’t live in Massachusetts forever!”
Mom smiles at the two of them as they bicker.It’s always been like this. Autumn is Dad’s favorite, but it doesn’t hurt my feelings, she is the one who lives with them all the time. I’ve always had a close relationship with my parents, but it’s different with Autumn. She’s the baby of the family, so he’s more protective of her.
“Well, either way, it’s not decided yet. I applied to other schools, too, including USC and Tisch.”
“Once you hear back, then we’ll sit down and discuss it.” Mom’s voice is soft. She’ll cave and let Autumn go anywhere she wants, and then she’ll be the one to convince Dad that he’s overreacting.
Mom takes a sip of her wine, then sighs. “I wish Vanessa could’ve come for Christmas. Can we give you the gift we got her? I’m sure you will see her before we get the chance to.”
Shit . We’ve gotten through most of the day without bringing her up. I really thought I’d be in the clear.
“Yeah, sure.”
“If she lets you within five feet of her.” Autumn fires under her breath and I elbow her side, giving her a look without my parents noticing. Christmas dinner is not the time to bring up my failure of a relationship. If my parents found out how poorly I acted, they would disown me.
But I know Autumn. In order to get the heat off of her, she’ll change the subject to me. “Hey, Jake. Where did Vanessa go for the holidays? It’s so weird you haven’t heard anything from her.”
I keep my face neutral, not trying to give my parents any more information. They don’t need to know about this. As far as they know, she went home for the holidays to spend quality time with her family.
“She’s, uh—in New York, with her parents. She’s probably just busy, I’ll give her a call later.”
Mom grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze, her face full of joy. “Aw, I’m glad she got a chance to be with her family during the holidays. I know Thanksgiving was hard for her. Maybe we can call her later and wish her and her family Merry Christmas.”
“Yeah, if she picks up.” Autumn takes a sip of her drink.
That little shit disturber .
“She might be busy, Amelia. We don’t want to intrude on the girl’s holiday.”
Mom shrugs, ready to let the topic die, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
“Maybe next year we’ll invite her and her family for Christmas,” Dad says before shoving a heaping spoonful of mashed potatoes in his mouth.“We have more than enough space for her and her parents.”
Autumn huffs a breath, and I know she wants to spill my secret. She only wants to tell our parents so it forces me to deal with it, and that’s the last thing I want right now.I give her a warning glare that screams Don’t you fucking dare.
Her smirk grows and I know I’m screwed.
“ Maybe . If Jake can win her back by then.” Autumn conveniently takes another sip of her drink while our parents’ attention is now locked on me.
I’m going to kill her.
Dad clears his throat. “What do you mean, win her back?”
“We broke up.” I try to keep it simple, hoping that they’ll drop the subject if I seem uncomfortable.
“What?”
“Oh no, sweetie, what happened?”
I open my mouth to answer, but Autumn steals my words. “Vanessa broke up with him and then Jake told her he slept with someone else instead of fixing things.”
“For fucksake Autumn.”
Mom gasps and Dad gives me a very discerning look. Dad’s long sigh is what tells me that I’m fucked, and they’re disappointed.
“ Jacob Anthony Shepherd , why would you do that?”
I’m shooting daggers at Autumn. She’s lucky it’s Christmas or we’d be throwing hands like we used to when we were little. I would like to clarify that I’ve never brutally harmed my sister, but we’ve definitely thrown punches a few times—her more than me, but her tiny hands can pack a punch.
“It’s nothing, can we just drop it?”
I need this conversation to be over.I don’t want to hash out my feelings or my relationship at fucking Christmas dinner.
“Jake’s upset because he made a mistake and now things aren’t going his way.” Autumn smiles wickedly at me, she knows now I can’t escape talking with our parents. She meddles more than fucking Mystery Inc.
I drop my fork onto the table, and the clanking against my plate causes my mom to flinch.“Is this really a discussion to have at the dinner table?”
“Actually, I think everyone’s finished. I’ll excuse myself and get us all dessert while you three talk.” Autumn collects our empty plates, bringing them into the kitchen, her ears still perked waiting to eavesdrop on our conversation.
“Jacob, what happened?”
This subject is a touchy one. It’s been a long time since he and Mom had problems, but I know my situation is only bringing up old emotions for them.
Fucking Autumn. I hate that she brought them into this.
I avoid all eye contact. “I don’t know.”
Out of my peripherals I see Dad giving me a stare down that has me realizing I won’t be leaving this table until I come clean.
“I went to the bar and my friend Caroline showed up. We got wasted and she stayed at the house. She puked on her clothes, so I gave her something to wear. The next morning Vanessa came over and, well…I’m sure you can imagine what she thought.”I look away, not wanting to make eye contact with either of them, so instead I look at the wreath hanging on the wall. “I was upset. Pissed off. Hurt . I didn’t know she was coming by to get back together. I wanted her to feel as shitty as I did. I-I was stupid and I made a mistake. One I’m paying for.”
“Stupid isn’t the word I would’ve chosen to describe your actions.” Dad sits with his back straight, the look of disappointment still transparent on his face.
“Jacob.” Mom reaches for my hand again, but I pull away. Hurt flashes across Mom’s face for a second before going neutral again. She understands.
“I know I screwed up, okay? As soon as I realized the mistake, I tried to fix it. I tried calling, texting, showing up in person—but she doesn’t want anything to do with me. So what the hell am I supposed to do now?”Saying it out loud brings out emotions I tried shoving down.
I’m not some hard-ass who won’t admit to having feelings, because I do, and I’m fucking upset. I’m already disappointed in myself, but seeing my parents look at me like this, it fucking kills me. I know they’re my parents, and they’re going to try to understand, but I can tell just by the look in my dad’s eyes that he’s not impressed with me or my actions.
We sit in silence, the only sound is Autumn in the kitchen cutting into dessert. I watch as my mom places her hand on my dad’s, his harsh exterior softens, the hurt and disappointment melting off at Mom’s touch.
“Parker.” They silently communicate, my dad’s nod is his only response to her before he gets up.
His eyes fall back on me, and with a tick of his head, he motions to the door leading to the patio. “Let’s go.”
Is he kicking me out?
I don’t hesitate to follow him. My dad is a big guy, and if he tells me to do something, you bet your ass I’m doing it. I grab my jacket off the hook by the door, slipping it on quickly. We head down the patio steps to the garage bar.
“You’re not a kid anymore, but this is still going to be hard to hear.” His breath collides with the cool air around us.
The door opens with a slight creak. We flick the lights on, the heat immediately relieving the brief cold. Dad walks behind the bar and motions for me to sit down on one of the stools. He grabs a bottle of bourbon off the shelf behind him and pours us each a shot over ice. I grab the glass from him, taking a sip. It’s smooth with a butterscotch aftertaste.
“When you kids were younger, your mom and I were going through a rough patch.” His voice is low, sounding embarrassed . “We didn’t want to tell you—”
“I know.”
He looks up from his glass. “ You do? How? Did your mother—”
“Dad, I was a kid, but I wasn’t stupid. It wasn’t a coincidence that you conveniently put me into hockey the same time you two were constantly fighting.”
His shoulders sag with the weight he feels. Fuck, I didn’t want to make him feel like shit.
Back then, I pretended like I knew nothing. But parents are sometimes a little careless. Mom would put their counseling sessions on the family calendar and label it as Doctor’s appt .At first, I thought nothing of it, but when the appointments became a monthly thing, I knew one of my parents was either sick or they were covering up something. And as any sleuthing kid would do, I snooped through their things until I found out their doctor was a marriage counselor.It wasn’t until months later, when I overheard Mom’s confession to her friend, that I learned why they went to counseling. I decided to keep my mouth shut and pretend I was oblivious to it all.
“It was hard. Your mother and I went to counseling, but it took years for me to trust her again.” He tips the glass back, the amber liquid disappearing as he tosses it back. “Why’d you do it?”
His question hits harder than a full-body check.
I’ve been asking myself this question a lot lately. I was so quick to be guarded, maybe it’s the defenseman in me. That night all I wanted to do was drown out the thought of Vanessa. The next morning, when I saw her standing in my kitchen, my brain stopped working.Instead of running to her and telling her how sorry I was, all I felt was embarrassment. I was embarrassed that the girl in front of me, the girl I love, didn’t want to be in my life anymore.
I’ve never felt small or insignificant, but I did then. I should’ve heard her out before shoving my own foot in my mouth.Not a day goes by that I don’t regret my decision.
“I guess I’m just an idiot.”
Dad laughs at my statement. All right, he didn’t have to agree so quickly.
I swallow the remainder of bourbon, letting the smoky and sweet flavors rest on my tongue.“It’s the first time I’ve ever felt useless. I think I’m in love with her, Dad. And for her to break up with me out of the blue, I guess you could say I had some resentment. There was a little piece of me that was happy to make her regret her decision. Until I realized how in the wrong I was.”
Dad grabs the empty glasses off the bar top, placing them in the sink to wash later.
“I think if I was able to forgive your mother for a kiss, Vanessa will forgive you for lying. But if she doesn’t, then you’ll have to live with the consequences of your actions. And if she does forgive you, there’s no guarantee she’ll fall back into your arms. You broke her trust, and that is not an easy thing to get back.”
“Yeah, I understand.”
“Try talking to her again. She might not want to hear it, I know I was reluctant to give your mother another chance, but I’m glad I did. Look at the life we have now.” He places a hand on my shoulder. “You’re a good kid, Jacob. We’re human, and we all make mistakes. Be honest with her, open that big heart of yours and I’m sure everything will work out.”
My dad and I don’t always have heart-to-heart conversations, but I am grateful for the few that we do.
“C’mon, let’s head back inside. Your mother made her signature German chocolate cake, and if we don’t go in soon, Autumn will hoard the entire thing to herself.”
My sister does have an intense sweet tooth.
We head back inside to eat dessert and open presents.I sit on the couch across from the fireplace with Autumn while Dad starts separating the gifts.My parents got me a new shaker bottle for my protein shakes and a new hockey bag that has multiple compartments. Mom said it’s to help me stay organized, but we all know that within a few weeks, the bag will be far from organized. Autumn got me more hockey tape and a Blu-ray copy of Dazed and Confused , our favorite comedy to watch together.
Finally, it’s my turn to hand out gifts. I grab my presents from under the tree and pass them out accordingly. I got Mom a new pair of shears, her last ones bit the dust this past summer. For Dad, an aged bottle of his favorite whiskey to add to the bar. Autumn was probably the easiest to shop for, and that’s because she told me exactly what she wanted. A pair of these fluffy brown slippers that I guess every teen needs to have.
After presents, the Shepherd family traditions continue as we watch a Christmas movie together before heading to our separate rooms for the night.
I hope Vanessa is having a good Christmas. I don’t know if her family has any traditions that they upkeep every year. From what she’s told me about her family, I highly doubt they do.
The gift I got for Vanessa stays hidden in a box under my bed back in Boston. I wish she was here with me and I could watch her open her present. I wanted to get her something sentimental for Christmas. I tried for weeks to find a replica of the tote bag she loved so much, but I guess it was one of a kind and even eBay couldn’t help me.Instead, I found a girl on social media who makes custom tote bags out of California. I sent her a photo of Vanessa’s old one and had her create something similar but with some modifications. This tote is a sandy burlap material, and she embroidered a circle of flowers and vines on the front, with a beach in the center to remind her of our trip to Cape Cod. I had the girl add extra pockets and interior compartments so Vanessa’s camera accessories have their own spot rather than being thrown together in the bag.
Worst case scenario, I’ll give the gift to Maddie and she can say that she bought it for her.Even if she never forgives me, I still want her to have it.
I just hope that her Christmas is going better than mine.