CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
It’s because I’m an angel
JAKE
We won the Winter Wonder tournament for the third year in a row, just like I predicted.
It’s not a shock though. Our team is the most organized and well developed in our division. Boston College gave us a run for our money, but in the end, Andrew Meyers got one too many penalties, which lost them the game due to a power play on our end. After that, we played Northeastern in the finals and won with a close game, 4–3.
I didn’t play my best during this tournament but thank fuck it didn’t count for regular season points.
Seeing Vanessa and being in the same vicinity as her for a few minutes is what did it for me.I haven’t been able to talk to her for more than two minutes these past weeks and seeing her yesterday wearing those mom jeans that drive me crazy…it was a lot.
I felt like I was suffocating in that room and Vanessa was solely responsible for the air in my lungs.
I know she doesn’t feel the same way about seeing me.She couldn’t get out of that room fast enough. The second I was done answering her questions, she already had her camera disassembled.
I think I took her by surprise with my parents’ gift. Her eyes practically jumped out of her head when she saw it.I told my parents that she probably wouldn’t want it, but my mom insisted on giving it to her.Originally, I planned to give it to Maddie or Sydney and have one of them give it to her. But I seized the opportunity when it arose. If that was the only chance I had to speak with her, I’m glad I took it.
I wish she was here tonight. The guys decided to host a New Year’s Eve party, so I can only imagine how crazy it’s going to get tonight. I’m not in the partying mood.I want to be with Vanessa, sitting on the couch watching dumb movies. I want to drown myself in her laughter and get high off her coconut shampoo.
I tried to catch up with her after the tourney yesterday. She was still in the lobby when I got out. I called out her name, but the second she saw me, she ran off with Levi. That lucky bastard. I watched them at first. The way she smiled up at him, laughed at something he said. The way she pushed her glasses up higher on her nose as she focused on whatever he was saying. I’d do anything to have it all back.
I’m just a fucking idiot who messed it all up.
“Can you stop moping around and grab the keg tap from the basement.” Nate chucks a pillow at me from the opposite end of the couch.
Since we got back, everyone’s been in high gear, getting the house ready, or idiotproof as Nate likes to say.If it wasn’t for Nate, we’d have two cases of beer and a bag of chips for the whole night.
“Sure.”
It’s probably time I move my lazy ass. If I’m going to be in a funk all night, the boys aren’t going to want me around. And I think there’s a box of chocolate chip cookies hidden somewhere in my room. I can preoccupy myself with those and a movie tonight.
Who says you need to party on New Year’s Eve?
The basement is dingey and not as nicely renovated as the rest of the house. The floors are still concrete, and the walls are only half-drywalled. Dad always jokes about buying the place and fixing it up, but I don’t think he’d ever pull the trigger on that.
I grab the tap and head back upstairs.The same time I walk into the living room, the front door bursts open, Sydney and Maddie almost toppling over each other, slamming the door and the cold behind them.
“What the hell are you guys doing here?”
“Wow, nice to see you, too, Shepherd. How about instead of being an ass, you help us with all of this shit for your party.” Sydney motions to their hands full of bags with everything from groceries to party supplies.
Nate immediately comes rushing in from the kitchen, muttering thank-yous as he and Eli grab the rest of the things from the girls.
Maddie walks over to me, placing a medium-sized brown paper bag in my hand. “Here. This is for you.”
“ What is it? ” I bring the bag to my nose, silently praying this isn’t a bag of dog shit. I inhale deeply and spices immediately drift to my nose. Thai food? Fuck , this smells so good.
“Kieran said you’ve been moping around since you guys got home. Coincidentally, Vanessa has also been at home moping around. She might get mad at us, but we think it’s for the best. This is your in, Shep. You better take it.”
Her cool eyes settle on mine. Maddie may seem to have a dark exterior—and interior, to be honest—but somewhere deep inside, she’s a softie.
Sydney walks over, leaning her elbow on Maddie’s shoulder. “I personally thought this idea was insane, but Maddie convinced me. You’re a slut Jake, but I know you have morals and wouldn’t cheat on my best friend. So, you better fucking make it up to her. Or else you’ll have to deal with me. ”
I shake my head at them. They’re delusional if they think that Vanessa is even going to give me the time of day. “There’s no way she’s going to talk to me.”
“You at least have to try, Jake. Is she not worth it?” Sydney crosses her arms over her chest, the look in her eye is more deadly than I’ve ever seen before, even from Maddie.
“You know that’s a ridiculous question, Syd.”
“Is it?”
“Yes. She’s fucking everything to me. She’s brightens my day. She makes me smile all the damn time. She deserves the world, and I will spend every damn day of my life giving it to her. I want to make her feel like she’s the best goddamn thing on this earth.”
Sydney smiles, as if she’s been waiting to hear that. “Well, you better hurry up and get there before the food gets cold. She won’t be as willing to hear you out if she has to reheat the noodles.”
I smile at the two girls in front of me. They didn’t need to help me. They could’ve easily written me off the second Vanessa asked. Maybe the only reason they’re helping is because Maddie knows the truth.At this point, all I want is for Vanessa to hear me out. She deserves to get an apology from me. A sincere one .Even if she wants nothing to do with me after this, I need her to know how sorry I am, how much regret I live with. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make it up to her, for causing her so much grief. I can’t have her believing that our relationship meant nothing to me. Because it meant everything .
I hug Maddie and give Sydney a kiss on the top of her head, then haul my ass out of there. Screw the party, I have a girl I need to see.
My girl .
I don’t care to grab a jacket before I run across the street to my Jeep, but I remembered to grab Vanessa’s gift from my room.It’s cold as balls outside, but I only need to deal with the cold for a few minutes. Hopefully .
The roads are jam packed, bumper to bumper—everyone’s en route to their parties and plans for the evening.It takes longer than it should to reach Vanessa’s condo.My Jeep is warm by the time I pull into the parking lot. I turn off the engine and sit in the warmth, giving myself a second to figure out what the hell I’m going to do.
What am I going to do? What the hell do I say?
I gotta be my own hype man right now.
If Kieran were here, he’d tell me I’m an idiot and to try not to say anything dumb. He’d also tell me to get the fuck out of the car and untuck my balls, but I think my ass is glued to the seat.I don’t know if it’s from the guilt or the stress of the situation.
Get out of the car, Jake.
This food is going to get cold, and if I don’t come bearing some sort of peace offering, I think she’ll slam the door in my face faster than I can say hello .
Without wasting another second, I step out of my car. The outside of the building is still lit up with Christmas lights. All the trees in the courtyard flash in sync with the music playing over the speakers. Vanessa probably loves this. I bet it’s one of the reasons why she loves this place.
“Greg. Hey, Happy New Year, man. How were your holidays?”
“Mr. Shepherd, it’s been a while.” He walks over and shakes my hand. This guy is one of the most pleasant security guards I’ve ever met. “The holidays were great. Kids were spoiled as always. Yours?”
“Good, good.” My knuckles clench the paper bag in my hands. I hope the sweat on my hands doesn’t ruin the bag.
“Tell Miss Nichols Happy New Year. I haven’t seen her all day.”
“I’ll tell her. Have a good night.” I nod at him, making my way to the row of elevators. The door chimes as I step in and suddenly my heart sinks.
What the hell am I doing?
I’m not going to lie, I’m scared shitless that she’s going to take one look at me and slam the door in my face.Or worse, she might not even open the damn door.
I stare at myself in the mirror wall of the elevator, mentally judging myself.Fuck, I should’ve at least tried to dress up for her. I didn’t think to change out of my sweats before I left. I just wanted to haul my ass over here as quickly as possible. I thought I’d be spending New Year’s Eve sulking in my room, not in Vanessa’s building, arguing with myself in the elevator.
Jake, don’t be a pussy .
The worst thing that can happen is she rejects me.
The best outcome would be her agreeing to listen to me.
If I can get her to talk to me for five minutes, I think I can straighten everything out. I will beg on my goddamn knees for this woman because I know it. I know it deep down in my gut, in my bones, in my whole goddamn being that she is it for me.
The elevator shifts as it comes to a stop on her floor.
This is it.
Within the next few minutes, I’ll have my answer.
VANESSA
Sydney and Maddie are taking way too long to come home.
They messaged me only an hour ago, saying they were back in the city and grabbing food on their way home, but since then it’s been complete radio silence.Their last updated location was Nate’s house. I know they were dropping something off there, but I have a feeling they got distracted. Nate said they’re having a party tonight and invited the three of us over. I turned down the idea right away, I wouldn’t be any fun tonight anyway. Sometimes I get into these moods and it’s easier for me to deal with it on my own than surrounded by my friends.
My stomach growls and I send another message to the group chat requesting an update. The only reply I get is from Maddie.
Maddie:
Food is on the way!
Within two seconds of her text message, there’s a knock at the door that makes me jump off the couch. They must have their hands full.
I walk over to the door and unlock it, pulling it open without checking to see who it was. I should’ve checked the peephole.
No fucking way . Standing in front of me, with a brown take-out bag in tow, is Jake. I watch him for a moment. He keeps looking up and down, shifting on his feet.
Yesterday, I tried so hard to avoid him. Every time he tried to get my attention, I’d book it the other way. At one point, I grabbed Levi and dragged him out of the arena just so I could avoid him and now he’s here. He’s here at my door with food and a puppy-dog look on his face that is making my knees weak.
Stay strong, Vanessa.
Every other time I’ve opened this door for him I’ve wanted to jump his bones. But right now, I feel sick to my stomach. Those pesky butterflies and emotions try to break free of the restraints I put on them. They succeed in their prison break and spread through my body, making me feel all tingly inside. Every thought of him, every feeling that I’ve pushed away for these past few weeks comes barreling out.
Shove them down.
“What are you doing here?”
“Sydney and Maddie sent me. I brought you dinner.” Jake motions to the paper bag. Of course they did. I love my best friends, but the two of them need to stop meddling in my life.
“Great. Thanks for delivering, but I’m not giving you a tip.”
A small laugh escapes his lips. Of course he finds that funny.
He notices my glare and clears his throat, pretending he wasn’t thinking of a crude joke.
“Good one.” He passes me the bag and I debate whether I should slam the door in his face.“Can we talk?”
The way he so casually asked that has me on edge. Did he think that he could bring me food and I’d forgive him? Does he think that little of me?
As if he can hear my thoughts, he continues. “Five minutes. You can set a timer and once it’s up, I’ll leave. You’ll never have to speak to me ever again. I promise . I know you probably hate me, and I know I fucked up. Just let me talk, and after if you still want me gone, I will disappear from your life. Please , only five minutes.”
I shouldn’t be feeling pride right now, but him practically begging for me to listen to him does something to me. It makes me feel powerful. As if I’m in total control of this situation.
Good.
“Five minutes. Don’t make me regret it.”
I swing the door open, a silent gesture for him to come in. I make my way to the couch, not waiting for him to follow. I drop the food on the coffee table, not caring about the contents inside.My appetite flew out the window the second I saw him.
I take a seat in the corner, wrapping a blanket over my legs. The cold from outside feels like it’s seeping in through the glass doors, and even though I have a thick crewneck on, I still feel the chill hitting my bones. I don’t know how Jake is surviving in only a hoodie and sweatpants.
I shouldn’t care if he’s cold or not. But I do.
Jake walks around to sit on the other end of the couch. Smart choice.He leans his elbows on his knees, holding his face in his hands. He drags his fingers through his hair, letting out a breath before sitting up straight, those deep blue eyes immediately finding mine.
I can’t look at him. Every time I do, I’m reminded of what he did. I picture Caroline kissing him, sucking his neck, and God knows—
No, I don’t need to picture that.
I remind myself of how much he hurt me so I won’t cry in front of him again. That’s one thing I’ve promised myself.
“I’m sorry.” His voice cracks. “Vanessa, I need you to know, I swear on my whole fucking life that nothing happened between me and Caroline.”
Those words feel like a slap to my face. Seeing her in his kitchen wearing his shirt with no pants on, how could I believe otherwise?
“If you’re going to sit here and lie to me, then we’re done.”
I move to get up, but Jake grabs my wrist, his eyes pleading for me to stay.
“I’m not an idiot, Jake. And I’m not one of your puck bunnies that will fall at your feet and forgive you.”
“Vanessa, I promise you that I’m telling the truth. I fucked up, but not in the way I led you to believe. Let me explain.”
I pull my wrist out of his grip and look down at my watch. “You have four minutes.”
He watches me as if I’m glass that could shatter at any moment.He doesn’t realize that he already shattered my heart to pieces.
“I lied to you. When you showed up that morning and Caroline was over, I knew you’d assume I fucked her.” I flinch at the word. “ Sorry . At the time I was hurt and angry with you. I wanted to hurt you back so I let you believe it.”
What the hell?
“I wanted you to feel the same way I did. The night before, I felt like our relationship meant nothing to you. You were so quick to break things off and to leave me, I barely had a second to fight for you. To tell you how much you fucking mean to me, angel girl.”
My body aches at the sound of the nickname he gave me. It feels like a lifetime ago.
“Vanessa, I’m sorry for not making you feel wanted or important in my life. That’s one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made. But I’m here now. I’m here and I’m fighting for you. Even if you don’t want me back, I need to try because you’re fucking everything to me.”
We sit there for a moment before I can gather words. The alarm on my watch starts going off, indicating his five minutes are up.
He looks at me, waiting to tell him to go, but I don’t. I deserve closure.
“Why would you do something like that? You can’t say I’m your everything but then do something so cruel. Let’s say you are telling the truth, why wouldn’t you tell me right away? You let me believe for weeks that you did the worst possible thing to me. What did I do to deserve that, Jake?”
He runs his hands through his curls again. “I tried to talk to you, but…”But I turned him down that day on campus, rightfully so.
“So, what? You’ve come here to apologize for lying? You want to clear your conscience so you can feel better?”
“No, I don’t want to clear my conscience. You deserve to hear the truth. You didn’t deserve what I did to you. I want to own up to my mistake and tell you that this is the worst thing I have ever done. Hurting you—lying to you—was the biggest mistake of my life. I know that there’s no possible way for me to make it up to you, but I’m trying, Vanessa. For the past few weeks, I’ve only been thinking about you and how shit I’ve made you feel. You didn’t deserve any of it. I’m so sorry.”
I look up at him, tears brimming his own eyes. Fuck, maybe he is telling the truth.
“I was an idiot who decided to fight fire with fire. I know that was stupid. Trust me, I know. I thought we were in love, but then you broke my heart so easily. I know that’s not an excuse for my actions, nothing about what I did was okay. But you need to know that I would never cheat on you. I’m ashamed of what I did, and I just needed you to know that. You don’t need to forgive me, but you deserved to know the truth. You deserve so much better than the way I treated you.”
Wait, what did he just say?
“You thought we were in love?”
His eyes dart to mine, not realizing that’s the statement I was referring to. “That night at the lights, I was going to tell you that I was in love with you. This isn’t exactly how I wanted to tell you, but I guess I have nothing to lose now.”
Was. He was in love with me. Is he only saying this to coax me back to him?
“I was in love with you and I’m still in love with you. I know I’ve done some stupid shit, but before all of this blew up, are you telling me you never realized how I felt about you?”
It’s impossible for words to form, so I shake my head.
“I’ve been in love with you since that night in Nashville, but there was no way in hell I was going to tell you then. I know commitment scares the absolute hell out of you, and that’s why I didn’t say it. I thought that if I told you too soon, it would be the final nail in the coffin. I was selfish and terrified. I didn’t want to push you away, but I guess I ended up doing that anyways.”
He moves closer to me, resting his hand on my knee. I could easily pick it up and toss it aside, but the gesture feels comforting.My body doesn’t shudder at his touch, it craves it. It wants his hand to trail up my leg and keep exploring.
C’mon, Vanessa, get it together.
“I have been obsessed with you since the first night we met. That night at the bar, you were the only one in the room who I cared about. You’re the only one who matters to me. I can’t breathe without thinking about you. When I’m not with you, I crave you. I miss your laugh and your sporadic texting. I miss your gross movie snacks and the way you fall asleep wearing your glasses. I miss finding your socks in random places and the way you would always ask, ‘How did those get there,’ when we both knew you were the one who took them off in the first place.”
“I’m not here convince you to forgive me. All I want is for you to know that you’re worth everything to me, Vanessa. I understand if you don’t feel the same way. And if you don’t want to forgive me, I understand that too. You deserve to feel loved every day of your life. If you’re willing to give me another chance, I’ll spend the rest of my life proving to you how much you mean to me. I believe you’re it for me, Ness. But I understand how my actions contradict everything I’ve said.”
A tear escapes, running down my cheek. How the hell do I respond to that?
I spent the last couple of weeks heartbroken because of the man in front of me, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love him too. As messed up as our situation is, I can’t help but feel for him. We all make mistakes. I made the mistake of breaking things off prematurely and Jake lied. A horrible, gut-wrenching lie.
Can I even forgive him for this—for betraying me and losing my trust?If he’s telling the truth and didn’t actually sleep with Caroline, how can I guarantee he won’t ever lie to me again?
“After everything you’ve put me through, do you really expect me to forgive you?”
“I don’t expect you to do anything, Vanessa. If you tell me right now that you don’t want to see me again, done. I’ll leave and you can pretend I never existed. I’m not expecting to win your trust back with one conversation, just like I’m not expecting you to forgive me in the blink of an eye. I want you to know that I truly am sorry. I fucked up. I made a horrible, fucking immensely stupid mistake. You deserve more than me, but I needed you to know that you were the best thing to ever happen to me.”
As much as my head is screaming at me, telling me that this could all burn and turn to ashes, my heart is willing to burn with him.I won’t pretend like these past few weeks didn’t happen. And there’s still a whole lot of insecurities we must deal with, but I want to do it. I want to do it all with Jake.
“You’re such a fucking idiot.”
He looks up at me, his blue eyes bloodshot from his tears. “I know.”
“You made a stupid mistake. One that cost you my trust.”
“I know.”
“And yet…” I look away from him, it’s the first time I really broke eye contact with him during this entire conversation.
“And yet?” His eyes watch me carefully, holding on to that last bit of hope he has.
I take a deep breath before I let the words escape, ready for him to hear them.“And yet I can understand why you did what you did. I don’t condone your behavior, but I’m telling you that I understand you were hurt. This doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you, but…I’m willing to work on things.”
His eyes waver back and forth across my features, as if he’s confirming what he just heard.
“W-wait, are you saying…”
“What you did hurt me so bad, Jake. I know I hurt you, too. After I broke things off, I knew I made a mistake. I pushed you away because I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that I was falling in love. Instead of voicing my concerns to you, I did what I do best and ran. I don’t want to run anymore.”
“You…you were in love with me too?”
“Were. Am. If you promise to be a man of your word, I will promise to stop pushing good things away.”
“I promise. I will do anything for you, Vanessa. If you want a star, I’ll buy you one. If that’s not good enough, I’ll get in a fucking rocket and won’t return without the cosmos. I fucking love you so much.”
“I love you too.”
Those four words float off my tongue. I never thought I would have the courage to say them aloud. My gaze flickers from his eyes down to his mouth, hoping he takes the hint.
Within seconds his hand is on my jaw, pulling me close, kissing the absolute hell out of me.
I melt into him, losing all self-control. His mouth is warm and soft, welcoming me back. Goose bumps rise on my skin as his hand moves from my jaw, settling on the side of my neck. My fingers immediately find Jake’s curls, gripping them, bringing him closer to me.
We haven’t been this close in weeks. I don’t even remember the last time we kissed.All I know is that right now, I want to be suffocated by him. By his love for me. Something I never thought I would have.
He breaks the kiss first, breathing heavy, but still holding my face in his hands. “I love you, Vanessa Nichols. And I will love you for as long as you allow me to.”
Jake brings his lips back to mine. This time the kiss is soft, less demanding and yet I can still feel the hunger he’s holding back. Hell, I’m holding back. He breaks the kiss again and I savor the look on his face. It’s like he can’t believe that I’m real and in front of him, forgiving him, telling him that I love him. But I am. It won’t be easy for Jake to gain my trust back, but I’m willing to give him time to prove to me that he’s remorseful for his actions.
For now, I’ll let him show me how much he loves me.
Jake leans back into the couch, pulling me with him so I’m lying on his chest. He brushes my hair with his hand, tucking a loose strand behind my ear.
“Ness, I need you to know that I will do whatever it takes to gain your trust back. I know it’s going to take you a while to fully trust me again. Just know that I promise I will do my best every single day. You ask it of me, and I’ll do it. Whatever you want, name it.”
I don’t even have to think before I answer, “You.”
“Done.”