Chapter Nineteen #2
When he came on a garbled curse, she was right there with him, stroking his back and murmuring his name. His name on her lips was the greatest sound in the world. He wanted nothing more than to hear it on a regular basis. Every night and every morning, preferably.
Which wouldn’t be possible soon.
“Damn.”
“I know,” she said. “Amazing, huh?”
He nodded, even though it wasn’t what he meant.
Pretty soon, he’d be in Victoria, and he already missed her.
Shit. What am I going to do?
Nick held her for a few minutes then went to the washroom to clean himself up. As soon as he got back to bed, they fell into each other’s arms again. Her touch was magnetic. He couldn’t stay away.
And yet, he would have to.
At some point soon, he’d have to find a way to say goodbye.
He buried his face in her hair and she curled up against him. For a long time, neither of them spoke.
Claire drifted off to sleep not long afterward, but he continued to stroke her back and shoulders. He turned and kissed her on the head. “Sleep, sweetheart.”
But Nick didn’t.
He lay awake for most of the night, tormented by what the future would bring.
* * * *
When Claire awoke out of her fitful sleep in the middle of the night, she lay still for a few anxious seconds. Arthur’s voice sometimes teased her out of her sleep, calling to her in that admonishing tone her brain had fabricated.
Only this time, his voice didn’t intrude.
There was just silence and the faint hum of the air conditioner kicking in.
Had she finally managed to kick that voice out of her head?
Nick lay next to her in the dark, rustling under the light sheet. His breathing was regular, but the rhythm struck her as too quick for someone who was sleeping.
Was he awake too?
Not wanting to disturb him, she slowly rolled over to face him.
“Hey, beautiful.” His quiet baritone was as comforting as a prayer. “Restless?”
“A little. You too?”
“Yeah. I’m getting used to it. I haven’t been sleeping well for a while.”
Claire looked over his shoulder at the clock on the bedside table. The digital display showed three a.m. Considering the night they’d had, along with the sexual aerobics afterward, they should both be dead to the world.
And yet, here they were, both unable to sleep.
Was he wrestling with his thoughts too?
“How long have you been having trouble sleeping?” she asked.
“Hmm, let’s see. Since I met you.”
Claire strained to see him in the dark, but all she could make out was a glint around his eyes and the shape of his hair and shoulders.
She needed to see his face, but she held back, knowing what she would see there.
Her racing heart told her they stood on a precipice, and that Nick might be willing to take a leap.
As much as she wanted to follow him off the cliff, to follow him anywhere, she felt herself pulling away from the edge.
What if her body got dashed on the rocks below?
It had taken her three long years to heal after her last heartache. Could she honestly afford to expose herself to new danger?
Because, in the end, love was the greatest danger. It was the biggest risk and it led to the most terrible losses.
She’d already lost so much, and she was in a position to lose Nick. She’d known it from day one.
A tremble began deep inside her chest, but she bit it back.
“I need to see you,” he said. “Mind if I turn on the light?”
“Go ahead.” Claire sat up.
When Nick saw her, his face broke into a heartbreaking smile. “You’re wearing my sweaty T-shirt.”
“It was dry when I put it on. It smells nice, like deodorant, and you.”
“But you weren’t wearing anything when we went to sleep.”
“I sometimes get chilly in the air conditioning. I woke up about an hour ago and grabbed it from the floor.” She’d also wanted to hold a piece of him close, but she didn’t share that detail.
“I like how it looks on you. You might need to keep it.” He ran a hand over her messy hair, and played with a few of the strands. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “I need to tell you something.”
She nodded, her eyes stinging, already envisioning how this would go.
“I realize we’ve only known each other for a short time, but I can’t hide what’s in my heart anymore.
I’ve been trying so hard to keep things casual between us, but I can’t.
When I look at you, I don’t see anything casual.
I see someone who’s becoming more important to me every goddamn day.
And I can’t fight it. I’ve tried, for your sake, but I’m not strong enough.
” His nostrils flared as he inhaled. “Claire, I have such feelings for you.”
“Nick…”
“I know it’s not what you want from me, but I just can’t do this ‘friends with benefits’ thing. It’s eating me up.”
“I never wanted to hurt you. I figured it was what we both wanted, what made sense.”
“So did I at first, but I was wrong. I want more. And now I need to know, do you want more…with me?”
She grasped the only detail that felt tangible anymore. “But your job.”
“Right now, I don’t care about my job. I would give it up in a heartbeat for you.
All I care about is you. All I think about is you.
Claire, I know you said you needed time, and I’m willing to give you whatever you need.
I realize we’re headed in two different directions, but I have to believe there’s a way to make it work.
I just need to know if there’s hope for us.
It doesn’t have to be today. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, but please tell me there’s hope for us some day. Because I’ll wait until you’re ready.”
Claire blinked back the tears in her eyes. Deep down, she’d known all along that this thing between her and Nick was powerful, and yet she’d deluded herself time and again.
The time for delusions was over. He needed an answer, and she had to be strong enough to give it to him.
“Tell me what you’re feeling,” he urged. “Don’t overthink it. Just say what’s in your heart.”
“My heart.” Claire spat the word, as all her long-withheld emotions stampeded over her flimsy walls.
She slipped out of the bed and began to walk around, even though she had no idea where she was going.
She crossed her arms, which probably made her look angry, but she really just wanted to hold his T-shirt close to her skin. “My heart is a fool.”
“Claire.”
“No, really. My heart was supposed to protect me. My heart led me to believe I could handle this…whatever it is we’re doing, when clearly I can’t.
My heart told me it was okay to keep things casual, but then it just got sucked in anyway, despite my best efforts.
Because you’re amazing, Nick, and I’m miserable when I can’t see you.
And now, my stupid, weak heart is telling me to take the plunge with you, even though I can’t see the bottom of the pool. ”
He got out of bed and stood with her, so beautiful in his nakedness. “Your heart isn’t a fool. Tell me what it says.”
“I don’t know how to be honest with you about my feelings, Nick, because I can’t even be honest with myself.”
He held her by the arms, in a firm but gentle embrace. “Yes, you can. There’s no wrong answer here.”
“I’m afraid.”
“What is it that’s scaring you?”
It bubbled up like bile. She tasted its horror in her mouth, and it made her eyes burn.
There was a truth that once admitted, could never be retracted.
It was Claire’s greatest fear.
“I’m afraid,” she said, tears clinging to her eyelashes, “that if I say the words, that if I admit my true feelings for you, the universe will take notice. That it will take you away, just like it took Arthur. I can’t live through that twice, Nick. I can’t.”
Nick pulled her into his arms, and she wept against his chest. Each sob shook her body harder than the one before, but his grip was strong and steadfast. For those numb moments following her confession, she thanked her stars for the sanctuary his arms provided.
If only they could stay like this forever, warm and safe. Each other’s haven.
When her sobs subsided, Nick kissed her face, as if taking her tears might help to remove her sadness. He then brushed his lips against her forehead in a soft peck, and looked her in the eye. “Sweetheart, I wish I could promise you we’ll live forever, but I can’t.”
“I know.”
“But I’m glad you told me what was scaring you. Claire, I can’t tell you what the future holds, but I know one thing. I want you in my future. I want to share everything with you. And I’m tired of calling it something it’s not.”
She wanted it too.
Now that she’d admitted her deepest fear, it didn’t lurk quite as ominously in the background. It had faded, just a little bit.
It turned out there was a fourth prong on her plan to move forward, although she hadn’t realized it was there at first.
She needed to trust in love again, even though it might one day be taken away.
“Can you take that leap with me,” he asked, “even though we can’t see the bottom of the pool?”
She grasped both of Nick’s hands in hers and brought them to her lips, kissing his knuckles. “This is me, jumping into the pool with you.”
The furrow in his brow relaxed as he let out a long breath. “So, we’re doing this? For real?”
“We’re doing this. I want to be with you.”
Even though the fear of losing him rode her hard, and probably always would, hope took flight inside Claire. Nick looked so happy, and it was because she’d told him she cared.
It was the most wonderful feeling in the world.
He slid his fingers into her hair, cradling her skull as he drew her in for a nourishing kiss. Claire took it all—his tenderness, his need, his breath. And when he urged her back onto the mattress, cocooning her in his heat, she took that too.
Within minutes, he’d sheathed himself in a condom. Another few seconds, and he was thrusting deep.
He buried his face in the crook of her neck as they came together. “I’m going to make you happy. I won’t ever hurt you. I swear it.”
For a few, glorious moments, Claire allowed herself to believe the world wouldn’t hurt them either.