Chapter 31
Roxy
“Ithought this would be a fun weekend,” Tee whines, throwing her head into a pillow on the king-sized bed in the hotel room.
The room that Liam insisted I stay in. The room that was to witness our relationship blossoming. The room that yawns with hurt because he only spent a night here.
Given how drained my budget is after paying for the partnership, I can’t afford to stay here, but I will deal with that later. I will figure it out.
I always figure out the way forward. Lately, that confidence feels… aspirational.
“I’m sorry. I just need to finish this, and then we will go out. I promise.” I look up from my laptop.
“Working on the weekend is a diagnosis,” she quips like she’s had any working experience.
In front of me, the lines in the proposal blur together. I’ve been at it for hours, but I can’t find my flow.
I haven’t been able to find my flow since Liam left. Sending him away seemed like something I needed.
I expected it would give me a much-needed reprieve. An opportunity to name things for what they are.
To re-define myself under these new circumstances. Or maybe accept that the ground has shifted.
It was my pathetic attempt to hold onto some semblance of control. I didn’t expect the hollow gap his absence caused.
In my life.
In my space.
In my heart.
“Fuck,” I murmur. “Let’s go out.”
“Really?” Tee jumps up.
We walk around, window shopping on Fifth Avenue before we have one of Father’s men—of course he has Tee under surveillance—drive us to Soho.
Diving into a small hipster coffee shop, we order the sweetest, most complicated, ridiculous coffees on the menu and land on a Victorian-era sofa in the corner.
“Freedom tastes so good.” My sister sighs.
“You will be able to enjoy it fully soon enough.” I take a loud slurp, enjoying the caramel on my tongue. “Have you looked at colleges here in New York?”
“I will, I will, don’t worry.” She rolls her eyes. “I’m just not sure if I want to live here.”
I turn to her. “What do you mean?”
She plays with her straw and then shrugs. “I don’t want to be in your hair. The third wheel, so to speak.”
I stare at her. “Where is this coming from?”
“Ro, don’t take it the wrong way, but you planning my future is no different from my father planning it. You never once asked me if I wanted to go to college.”
I blink at her. “I’m not Father,” I whisper. Am I?
She sighs. “I know. Your future for me is a thousand times better than what Dad has in mind, but it’s still your future.”
“I only want what’s best for you,” I say, not liking the sound of my own words.
I’m being defensive. I’m also shocked. Have I been trying to control her just like my father?
The same fabric. Just dyed a more forgiving shade.
“But shouldn’t I be the one to decide what’s best for me? It’s my future. I’ve been controlled all my life. I just want to… be free. Make my own mistakes.”
I wrap my lips around the straw, but I don’t sip. She is right. As much as I want to protect her from Father and his plans, I can’t just make her fold to my ideas of what’s best for her.
Even though she might have a very skewed view of reality. But probably as much motivation as I used to have to break free.
I lived under the same roof, with the same rules, and when I left, I survived. Thrived even. It’s hard, but I should trust that Tee can do the same.
Her words open up something else… Am I going to be this controlling with my child? My hand slides to my stomach. Is that the only way I know how to live?
The controlling way I grew up with?
What does Liam think about that? The thought sneaks in yet again. Like so many times in the past two weeks.
One thing is this numb pain coiling around my body. It’s like he was a part of me, and now I have festering wounds where his touch no longer soothes.
But the absence of his opinion, challenge, and verbal sparring is even more jarring.
“Are you pregnant?” Tee throws out casually.
I almost spit my drink. “What the hell, Tee. Why would you ask that?”
“You keep holding your hand on your stomach. I don’t think you have indigestion.”
I laugh. Like really laugh. It feels good and liberating. A welcome break in my late mental state.
After wiping my tears, I realize my hand is already on my belly. The baby is not kicking yet, but I feel them there.
So alive. So real. So mine.
“It’s not indigestion. You’re going to be an aunt.”
Tee launches at me, hugging me, cheering. Half of the coffee shop turns to us, most of the patrons smiling.
“That’s fantastic news.” She pulls away, studying me. “It is, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is.” I lean into the warmth spreading across my chest.
“Do you know who the father is?”
“It’s Liam,” I scoff—not that I have the right to, because it wasn’t that clear at first. It was to him. Liam never wavered.
Tee practically vibrates with excitement. And it’s contagious, and I’m grinning with her, leaving all my dilemmas on the side for a brief reprieve.
“I never got a chance to thank you. You marrying Liam is much better than me doing it. And you guys already get along.”
“Yeah, that’s one way to put it.” I take a shaky breath.
My thinking about him non-stop is one thing, but someone else mentioning him. It makes him both close and… impossibly far away.
“What do you mean? I overheard Dad saying that the man is smitten with you.”
I gape. “He said that?”
“Yeah, and that he isn’t sure if that’s a good thing. Nico told him to let it be because he’s getting what he wants. I thought Dad would argue with him, but he didn’t. I guess he is getting what he wants.”
I sigh. “Yeah, I guess everyone is getting what they want.”
She angles her body toward me, slipping her sandals off and pulling her legs up on the seat. “Not you?”
“You wouldn’t understand.” I regret the words as soon as I utter them. I sound like any other adult in her life. Sparing her. Not giving her credit.
I’m sounding like all the men in our lives. Jesus.
“Not you as well.” She immediately calls me on that. “Everyone always tells me I’m too young. I might not be able to give you advice, but I can listen.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t even know where my head is at the moment. Liam loves me.” I sigh.
She perks up. “That’s amazing. Do you love him?”
“I don’t know.”
She swats her hand, dismissing my internal turmoil. “How can you not know? Do you miss him?”
“Yes,” I admit. No hesitation.
“Do you think of him every time something good happens to you, wishing you can share it with him?”
I nod.
“And when things are hard, do you wish he was there to help you carry the load?”
Her eyes are wide, expecting my answer as if it would solve all the world’s problems.
I stall. The answer is a resounding yes, pressing against my ribs like it wants out. But it leads me in a direction that is so unfamiliar, I don’t know how to navigate it.
She wiggles her eyes, grinning as if my silence was answer enough.
I frown. “Where is this wisdom coming from?”
She gives me a coy smile. “A romance novel.” She shrugs.
“Jesus.” I bark out a laugh. This is what will decide my future?
“Don’t dismiss it. It seems like you love him, but you’re scared that you will get hurt.”
I shake my head. “Okay, Miss Life Coach. Thank you for that perspective. This is real life. It’s not that easy.”
She rolls her eyes. “It would be if you stopped complicating it.”
“Is that a quote from another novel?”
“It might be.” She slurps her drink. “I don’t know anymore. Reading is the only thing keeping me occupied in the manor of boredom.”
A jolt of guilt kicks me in my gut. “You should stay with me.”
“Because that’s less boring.” She snorts.
“I’m sorry, Tee, I just… Liam has been gone for two weeks, and I haven’t been able to figure out how our lives should look.”
“As I said, you’re complicating things.”
“I’ve been relying on myself for so long, I don’t know how to let someone else in.”
She pulls out her phone and takes a few selfies with her drink, like we’re not in the middle of discussing life-changing events.
Then she turns to me and manages to unsettle me completely. “And how is not letting him in working for you?”
I drop my head back, tapping it against the backrest. “What have you done to my polite baby sister?”
“She grew up a bit.” She elbows me and gives me a peck on the cheek. “Ever since you left home, you’ve been full of life and plans for the future. You’re successful. You achieved everything you wanted to. This is the first time I’ve seen you truly miserable. Ask yourself why?”
I don’t need to ask. I know the answer. I’ve been breathing it. Dreaming it. Thinking it.
Knowing it deep in my bones.
“Because I miss him. Because I got used to him being around. Because he supports me without being overbearing. Because he values my opinion. Because he feels like home.”
“Because you love him,” she sing-songs, drawing a heart in the air.
I close my eyes. “Because I love him.”
The words settle all wrong. Not their meaning. Or their validity. But because I’m saying them here.
Because I haven’t said them yet to the person who should hear them. To the man who deserves them.
“And it scares you,” Tee whispers, lowering her head to my shoulder.
“And it scares me.” I rest my head on hers, and we both sigh.
“Does it scare you more than looking our father in the eyes and defying him?”
I pull away, annoyed that she would bring Victor into this. “Those are two different things.”
She nods, smirking like she has some insight I’m missing. “Why are they different, though?”
I let out an exasperated sigh. “Because I have nothing to lose when I rebel against Father.”
“Soooo…” She cocks her head, grinning. “You’re scared of losing Liam, not of loving him.”
The triumph in her eyes is annoying. She’s barely eighteen, for fuck’s sake.
“You’re making no sense.” I refuse to accept her logic.
“And you’re trying to think your heart into safety while it’s begging you to set it free.”
“Another quote?” I deadpan.
“From a fortune cookie.” She smirks.
“Tawny Lock!” I can’t help but chuckle.
It took two weeks of Liam’s absence, and two hours of my sister’s absurdly sensible quotes, for the walls to crack. For the wings to grow. For my heart to soar.
“You’re in love.” She shimmies her shoulders. “What now?”
“Now I need to tell him.”
The idea tightens my stomach at first. Then Liam’s face flickers in my mind.
The way his eyes will soften when he hears it. The way he will seize my lips. The way it will feel so right, and the knot will loosen.
“Yay. When is he coming back?” Tee beams.
“In a week.” I could slap myself for fighting for that timeline.
“What?” She deflates. “A week is too long. You should go to him. Now.”
“This is not a movie, Tee.”
“But you love him. Imagine how much he is suffering, not knowing what’s going to happen. Loving you from afar and hoping you will love him back. How much it cost him to stay away.”
She really needs to read something other than romance novels.
“I don’t know where he is.” How have I been so stupid? I let him go.
He’s been nothing but patient. Awarding me the most important gift—choice. And to pay him back, I banished him and let him wonder and worry.
“Find out,” Tee says, her tone irritated.
A beat.
I wait for hesitation. For indecision. For fear.
What settles is an all-consuming need to tell Liam how much I miss him. That I love him.
“Let’s go.” I stand up and march out of there like a madwoman.
I need to find my future husband—the father of my child—and tell him I love him.
This can’t wait.
I only hope I didn’t take too long.