Chapter 17
CHAPTER 17
ISHA
M y new husband had made his intentions crystal clear.
For all his claims about how he was going to make me scream with pleasure after we got married, he had clearly changed his mind. And I was delirious with joy about it. Really, I was. Ecstatic even, I thought as I folded my veil neatly and placed it on the counter. Because I didn’t want it any more than he did!
Next, I pulled off the heavy polki earrings that had made my earlobes ache all day and flung them on the vanity counter furiously. I didn’t know why I was so upset. It wasn’t as if I wanted him to fuck me. I just didn’t understand why he pretended to want me so much. I shucked off my bangles violently, dropping them all on the folded veil because I knew his mother would murder me if I damaged their heirloom jewellery.
I was going to bundle all of this and give it back to her tomorrow, I decided. From now on, this bride was going to stick to her jeans and tees. I’d had enough of this marriage drama, first with the emotional moments during the jai mala and pheras when I - mistakenly - thought we had some sort of deep connection, and then, the anticipation that had been building for the past whole week, thanks to his big talk about how desperately he wanted me. Yet, when push came to shove, his desire vanished in a poof of hot air, I ranted silently, as I unpinned my heavily embroidered dupatta that weighed a ton and dumped it in a corner of the bathroom. I never wanted to see the damn thing again.
I braced my hands against the edge of the sink and stared at myself in the mirror. I had starved myself all week because I didn’t want to be fat on my wedding night. It was anti-climactic, that’s all. It wasn’t as if I was disappointed. Because let’s face it. I had been here before.
Rejected by His Highness Ranveer Singh Sisodia.
So why did it take me by surprise? He was proving yet again what I already knew. That Veer. Did. Not. Want. Me.
So what was that crap he’d said earlier all about? Why did he pretend he couldn’t take his eyes off me? The casual cruelty of his pretence was what had gutted me. I hadn’t asked for any of those compliments.
For a few hours, he made me feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet. And then, he took it away in one stroke. One look at my body as I stood before him in my wedding finery and he lost all his so-called desire to make me his forever.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I wondered if I was so unattractive that just one proper look would put a man off. But then, my years of therapy kicked in and I remembered that this was on him. It was okay for him to not want me. But it was not okay for him to play with my emotions.
As I tried to undo the knot on my blouse, I realised that in my hurry to run and hide, I had forgotten to bring my PJs into the bathroom.
The old Isha would have withdrawn into her shell and hidden her body away under loose clothes. The new Isha tossed her head and vowed to never hide from anyone because I wasn’t ashamed of anything. If Veer didn’t like looking at me, he could turn his face away.
I gathered up the jewellery and the veil and marched back into the bedroom in my lehenga and blouse. When Veer looked up at me in surprise, I wished I hadn’t discarded my dupatta in the bathroom. But I remembered my resolve to never be ashamed of my body and straightened my spine.
“Ranveer Singh Sisodia, you are a pig,” I declared furiously, throwing the jewellery on the dressing table.
He had changed into a black t-shirt and grey boxers, and I was distracted by the sight of his bare calves. I forced myself to throw him a scathing look. He sat up and scratched his tousled head in confusion.
“I beg your pardon?”
The blank look on his face ratcheted my anger up a few more levels. He had just taken my feelings on the toxic rollercoaster ride from hell and he didn’t even care.
“I said you’re a pig! And a disgusting one at that! If you try to play your dirty games with me ever again, I will gut you and feed your entrails to the hyenas in the desert,” I warned him, as I rummaged through the massive walk-in closet.
My mother had sent my clothes over yesterday and the staff had promised to unpack everything. They were as good as their word. I found all my clothes neatly organised on one side of the closet, with enough space on the other side for Veer’s stuff. I grabbed a tee and PJs and turned to leave, only to find my way blocked by a massive black wall.
“Say all that again, will you?” he growled. “Slowly, and this time, try to make more sense.”
His condescending tone set me off and I tried to push him out of my way. But he didn’t even budge. I wondered if he was made of concrete. Well, I hadn’t come all this way to chicken out of telling the truth. So I let him have it.
“These intimidation tactics don’t work on me anymore, Veer. So back the fuck off,” I bit out, standing on my toes to glare directly into his eyes.
He took a step back and then another, giving me enough room to breathe easily.
“Happy? Now, start talking,” he ordered.
“What do you want to hear? That I’m sick of your mind games? That I will never allow you to make me feel like shit again? Take your pick, husband dear.”
Veer held up a finger to stop my tirade.
“When have I ever played mind games with you, Isha?” he asked mildly.
I let out a bitter laugh.
“When have you not? For the past nine years, you have been blowing hot and cold with me depending on your mood. Did you think I was too dumb to recognise it? I guess that was your way of punishing me for my brother’s sins.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” he demanded.
“I’m talking about how you always wind me up and then bring me crashing down, asshole,” I yelled back. “Like you did today! You called me the most beautiful woman on earth, acted like you couldn’t keep your hands off me, and then did a complete about-face after the wedding. And it’s not the first time you’ve done that to me, so don’t even try to deny it.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose tightly and took a few deep breaths as if he were trying to stay calm.
“That wasn’t an about-face, Isha. I was trying to be considerate of your feelings. I don’t want to force you to sleep with me just because we’re married,” he said, with a forced kind of calm.
I snorted in reply.
“Since when do you care about my feelings? What happened to all that big talk about making me scream whether I like it or not?” I asked drily.
His eyes flashed with anger as he began to pace up and down the space in front of me.
“I’m a little confused. Are you angry because I didn’t make love to you? That can be easily remedied if you want,” he said furiously.
“I want you to stop messing with my emotions! It’s completely okay for you to not be attracted to me. But it is not okay for you to pretend that you are for some twisted reason that I cannot even understand,” I said shakily, trying to keep the angry tears out of my voice.
“ I haven’t pretended a thing ,” he roared, jabbing his index finger in my direction. “Not one thing! And I don’t know what I need to do to convince you that I want you more than I want life itself. It’s as if you’ve closed your mind to the possibility and nothing I can say would ever induce you to give us a chance.”
“Ohmigod! You’re doing it again. Just stop! You have nothing to prove to me, Veer. I’ve always known that you don’t want me. So why do you try to tell me otherwise? Why does it matter?”
“It matters because it’s true!”
I laughed bleakly because I didn’t know if he was gaslighting me or if he was trying to delude himself.
“Okay, let me make it easy for you. I don’t expect anything from you except this one year of marriage. I certainly don’t expect you to desire me because I’m not even your type,” I stated firmly.
He laughed just as bleakly.
“If you’re not my type, tell me why I’ve been so obsessed with you for the past nine years. Why did I constantly seek you out only to end up snarling at you and saying something hurtful enough to drive you away because I was afraid I’d reach out and start something so explosive that it would blow up our lives?”
“That doesn’t even make sense, Veer,” I said wearily.
“Nothing about us makes sense, Isha.”
“There is no us, Veer.”
“Then why does the very sight of you make my heart pound like this?” he asked softly, taking my hand and placing it on his chest.
His heart was beating quite rapidly under my hand. I snatched my hand away as if scalded.
“Lies,” I said unsteadily. “All lies. I know for a fact that you could never want someone like me. You said yourself.”
He stared at me dumbfounded.
“To whom?”
“To me, Veer. You said it to me! Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten that delightful moment,” I said bitterly.
“When did I ever say that to you?” he demanded hoarsely.
“On my twenty-fifth birthday,” I informed him, glad to jolt his memory of the incident that broke my heart completely and showed me how unlovable I was.
It was also the kick I needed to start therapy after I binged on two tubs of Ben & Jerry’s chocolate brownie fudge ice cream in my hotel room and threw it all up an hour later.
“I remember that evening… in parts,” he said. “I remember I flew all the way to Belgium to join you and Diya at the Coldplay concert because I didn’t want to miss your twenty-fifth birthday.”
I stared at him in surprise.
“ No, Your Highness! You were in Belgium for a meeting and Diya forced you to join us. You barely even acknowledged me until you’d had a few drinks, forget remembering my birthday.”
Veer exhaled slowly.
“Isha, don’t you find it surprising that I haven’t missed a single birthday of yours in nine years? Every time Diya threw you a party, I’d be there… scowling at you from a corner, maybe, but still present.”
I thought back to all my birthdays in nine years and I realised he was right. He hadn’t missed a single one.
“That’s because of Diya. She forced you to come,” I argued.
“Please! After the Coldplay concert, she used to beg me to stay away from you. Who do you think even got you guys those VIP box tickets that were sold out as soon as they went live?”
“Why did you do that?” she asked, looking dazed.
“Because I would do anything to make you happy, even if I couldn’t speak to you,” he yelled.
“So you say. Anyway, do you remember getting drunk that night?”
“Of course, I do! Getting drunk was the only way I could numb the guilt I felt about being in the same room as you,” he replied.
“Let me fix that statement for you. Getting drunk was the only way you could numb your disgust for me,” I said sarcastically.
“Oh, so now you’re going to explain my own feelings to me?” the rude bastard asked, just as sarcastically. “Wonderful! But go on.”
I ignored his sarcasm and went on. I would never forget that evening as long as I lived.
“We were in our room after the concert. We’d just ordered French Fries at two am because we had the munchies, but Diya passed out before they arrived. You went back to your room because of course, it would kill you to spend two minutes with me in the same room. And I knocked on your door to share the snack because there was so much of it.”
“And you insisted on coming in just to torture me,” he said ruefully.
“No. I insisted on coming in because I was a masochistic fool who liked to torture myself. Anyway, we were both heavily drunk and I made a move on you.”
“You wiped the mayo off my lip,” he said in a low voice, as he took one step closer to me.
“And you kissed me,” I replied, holding his gaze.
“And you kissed me back,” he said, coming one more step closer. “Unfortunately, that’s all I remember, thanks to all the alcohol in my system.”
I smiled at him coldly.
“Let me tell you what happened next. We began to make out in earnest, and you slipped my dress off. When you looked at me properly, you came to your senses for a bit and laughed. You laughed in my face, Veer. And you said, and I quote - Not with you! Never with you! And then you passed out on the floor.”
I wanted to curl up and die when I heard him say he’d never want to make love to me, but I had forced myself to put that clingy dress back on and walk back to the room I shared with Diya and spent the night throwing up and sobbing into my pillow. I had accepted that Veer would never love me, no matter how hard I tried. The next day, I had flown back to India and sought an appointment with a therapist.
But that was the ugly truth behind Veer’s claims of wanting me.