Chapter 17
MEHER
S amrat’s words echoed in my ears as I trudged back to my room, exhausted to the core.
I didn’t know why I was so surprised that the evening turned out like this. What did I expect? That we could have sex and forget all about the past when it was such a big part of our present?
But a small part of me wished I hadn’t been a virgin. That in these eight years, I had found some man to lose my virginity to, then we wouldn’t have had to stop tonight, and I’d at least have the memory of making love to Samrat to carry me through the rest of my life. Now, I had nothing.
If someone had told me this morning that I was going to almost have sex with Samrat, I would have laughed in their face.
Because I could never forgive what he did to me.
And yet, when he risked his life for my sake and ran after the shooter, all I could think of was that if something happened to him, my life wouldn’t be worth living.
I was so sure I had driven him out of my heart, but all it took was being around him for a few days, and I went back to being the same idiotic Meher, besotted with Samrat just like I had been eight years ago, his betrayal completely forgotten.
Unfortunately, some things didn’t stay forgotten, no matter how much you tried to suppress them. Not my love for him or the memory of his betrayal.
So here I was, madly in love with him all over again, and unable to trust he wouldn’t destroy me like he did the last time.
I was too tired to go down for dinner, so I stood under the shower until my skin turned red as a lobster, and threw on my most comfy pair of pyjamas before I got under the covers.
I was sure my friends would excuse me from being the perfect host for one day.
And to be honest, I wasn’t in a state to even care if they didn’t.
There was a knock at the door, and I raised my head in surprise.
“Come in,” I called out, and Isha entered the room with a tray in her hands.
“Samrat asked the kitchen to send you some hot chocolate because you’re feeling slightly unwell,” she said, as she set the tray down on the coffee table in my room, and bent to pour out the hot chocolate in my favourite mug. “I decided to bring it in so I could check on you. Are you okay, babe?”
“Thanks, Ish. I’m just really tired,” I lied.
“Okay, I’ll let you sleep. But make sure you drain that mug, otherwise your army boy will karate chop me into outer space,” she joked.
I smiled at her absently, and she left. But her words kept ringing in my ears long after she left. I stared at the mug on my bedside table in confusion.
“Samrat has sent you some hot chocolate. I decided to bring it in so I could check on you…”
Why were those words familiar? I had heard them before. But where?
I sat up with a gasp as I remembered exactly where and when I’d heard them.
It was eight years ago. On that fateful night, at Samrat’s palace.
Nilanjana!
She was the one who brought me the hot chocolate.
And she’d stayed in my room to chat while I drank it.
I had found it super weird because she and I weren’t on any terms, let alone friendly terms. Her obsession with Samrat creeped me out.
I remembered drinking the hot chocolate, but I remembered nothing after that.
Wait! She had come to my room, which meant I had gone to bed in my room that night. So how did I end up in Sanjay’s room in the middle of the night? I got out of bed hurriedly and ran across the corridor to Samrat’s room.
I banged on his door, and he immediately called me to enter.
I burst into the room, barely noticing that he was working on his laptop, with a lot of papers spread out around him.
“It was Nilanjana,” I said loudly. “She had something to do with what happened to me that night.”
“What?”
Samrat came around the coffee table and grabbed me by the arm.
“Say that again. And slowly,” he ordered.
“Samrat, I genuinely have no memory of how I came to be in Sanjay’s bed that night.
I could swear I went straight to bed after you left me outside my room.
Everything else that happened after that is a blur.
I knew I’d had some hot chocolate late at night, but until now, I couldn’t even remember where I got the hot chocolate.
But I remembered it just now. It was Nilanjana. ”
Samrat led me to the sofa and forced me to sit. He held my hands as I recounted the incident to him.
“I trusted her because she said you had sent over the hot chocolate and that she was just delivering it,” I said, and he frowned.
“I didn’t send you anything that night.”
“It was just an excuse to enter my room, and…and… drug me,” I whispered. “That is what she did, right?”
“Sounds like it,” he said grimly. “She probably roofied you and got you into Sanjay’s bed.”
“How did you come to be there the next morning?” I asked curiously. I had never asked him why he had walked into Sanjay’s room so early.
“She told me Sanjay wanted to speak to me about something urgent, and like a fool, I followed her to his room,” he replied,” sinking his face into his cupped hands.
“Wow! The two of them really played us,” I gasped.
“But why?”
“To split us apart,” I said bleakly. “Because Nilanjana is obsessed with you. Can’t you see that, Samrat?”
“Of course, I can see that,” he snapped. “I’ve always found her creepy. But I didn’t think she’d ever go to this extent to destroy us.”
“To destroy me ,” I corrected firmly. “Your life went on smoothly, Samrat, apart from a little heartache over my betrayal. But my life was ripped apart, all because of those two sadistic motherfuckers.”
“ Smoothly? Is that what you call the joyless existence I’ve led for the past eight years?
” he asked, his voice rising in frustration.
“I agree you have the higher moral ground, and that you suffered way more than I ever did. But you’re lost to me forever, Meher.
You were lost to me eight years ago when I didn’t know the truth, and you’re still lost to me even after I do, because I know it’s not possible to forgive a mistake like mine.
At least you have the vindication of being right. But I have nothing!”
My lips quivered as I held back tears. I wanted to hate this man. And maybe some part of me did hate him, but I could not deny that he was just as ravaged as I was. And that he had lost as much as I had.
“Is there anything we can do about it? About them?”
“We can’t prove it, can we? She threw out all the old staff when I went away on probation and hired new ones. So there’s nobody who can prove she did it,” he said bitterly.
I sank into the softness of the sofa with a groan.
“I hate that woman! I hate Sanjay, too. But I absolutely loathe Nilanjana! She’s a snake,” I said viciously.
“I agree,” he said, running a hand over his weary face. “Get to bed, Meher. It’s getting late.”
“I can’t sleep,” I wailed. “All I can think about is why the hell did I drink that fucking hot chocolate?”
“You could sleep here if you like,” he said softly.
“Will you sing me a lullaby?” I asked snidely.
“It might drown out your snores,” he retorted, and held out a hand for me to take.
When I took it hesitantly, he pulled me upright and led me to the bed.
“Just sleep. Nothing else,” he promised, and I got under the covers because I really didn’t want to be alone right now.
Samrat got in as well and spooned me under the covers. He ran his fingers through my hair gently, the gesture soothing all the rage out of me for now.
“Tell me about your friend,” I mumbled sleepily. “The one who died.”
“Mani?” he asked in surprise.
I nodded.
“Captain Mani Pillai was my second-in-command, but he was also my best friend. We’d been deployed together for years. Mani, Rumi, Sid, and I. We were going to retire together when we couldn’t hold up a gun anymore or when the enemy had blown far too many holes in us.”
“Tell me about them. What were they like?”
“Mani was an asshole, just like me. Our first CO told us we were like peas in a pod. Sid was an old soul who loved qawwalis, but couldn’t sing to save his life.
Rumi could throw a shoe across fifty yards without missing his target, mainly because he had practised throwing it at Sid’s giant head for years. ”
“You love them,” I commented.
“Like the brothers of my soul. Even more than I loved Bhai Sa,” he said hoarsely, before he buried his face in my neck.