Thirty-Five
If Mama cleaned the countertops one more time, I was going to lose what little patience I still had. I walked into the kitchen, drawing a breath and saying a prayer.
“Hey, Mama, do you want to go out for lunch?”
She looked up from her scrubbing, then back to the granite top. “I’m not done cleaning.”
“Um, didn’t you do that earlier?” And the day before that and the day before that one. I stifled a sigh.
“Before we ate. Don’t you clean up after you eat each time?”
Of course I did. I just didn’t have a compulsory scrubbing issue. Yet this was always what Mama did when her nerves were taut and she was anxious about something.
“You know I do, Mama.”
She stopped rubbing the surface raw and finally stared at me. Her auburn hair had been pulled into a messy bun on top of her head, and the unkempt look contradicted her pristine, all-white sweats. Not a speck of dirt or lint could be found on the fabric. How did she still manage to look effortlessly beautiful?
“I’m doing it again, aren’t I?” A small V appeared in her forehead.
“If you mean worry-cleaning, then yeah. Big time.” I widened my arms for emphasis.
A wry grin shifted her lips. “Sorry.” She threw the sponge down. “I just can’t be still.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Both?” she asked sheepishly. She tilted her head. “Yes, we should go somewhere for lunch. Where do you want to go?”
“It doesn’t matter. I just can’t watch you clean again. That, and I am getting a little hungry.”
Working on a farm, even when I spent time in my office, meant I needed a little higher food input. At least that’s what I told myself when I ate a slice of pie after supper or drank a large sweet tea. After all, corralling goats back into their pens was tough work. I deserved to be rewarded.
Mama flung an arm around me and gave a slight chuckle. “Okay. Let’s get you fed.”
We headed for the front door and were soon in her car, rolling down my driveway, Mama driving. Fortunately, the reporters had finally vacated my premises. I had no doubt they’d show up to Dad’s hearing, but thanks to some prima donnas in Hollywood, no one was bothering me. Granted, daily articles still appeared in our local paper, but the national news no longer cared.
I drew in a breath and let the air of my exhale fizzle like helium from a balloon.
“It’s good not being hounded anymore, huh?” Mama asked.
“So good.” I stared at her. Was now the time to point out the very large, very gray elephant in the room? “Have you talked to Daddy?”
Her face blanched. “No. I don’t plan on it, either.”
My heart ached for her. A father betraying you was different from a spouse doing it. Though I didn’t know by experience, I could sympathize. “Never?”
“I don’t know,” she murmured. “We were supposed to celebrate our fortieth wedding anniversary the same time we celebrated the 150th year of the Derby. Now I feel ... stuck.”
Didn’t we all get stuck at one point or another? “Maybe talking to him will help you gain momentum.” And right our family. Had I been maintaining my distance from Daddy out of respect for Mama?
The thought made my insides clench, but I couldn’t tell if it was conviction or something else.
“What do you expect me to say, Piper? Hmm? Do I tell him how disappointed I am? How ashamed I feel to be his wife?”
I grimaced. Definitely not that. Disappointment was something a person could get over hearing. But learning your wife was ashamed to be your spouse? I wouldn’t want to be in Daddy’s shoes.
Then lend support.
“I don’t know the right words, Mama. But I imagine it starts with you listening to what he has to say. Hopefully he apologizes profusely, and you try forgiveness on for size.”
“Do you plan on forgiving him?”
My body froze. This was definitely one of life’s tests. I didn’t want Mama to feel alienated, but I couldn’t abandon Daddy, either. I knew what that felt like.
I swallowed. “Yes. It’s a slow process, but I’ve asked him to have dinner with me to start.” Talking with Tuck made me realize I couldn’t ignore Dad. Seeing him face-to-face would be the real test.
“Really, Piper?” Mama shook her head.
“He’s my dad.”
As much as I disagreed with what he’d done, I couldn’t pretend like he didn’t exist. It wasn’t what God would want. It wasn’t what I wanted. Even though Mama would be upset with me, I’d rather face her frustrations than God’s. No way I wanted Him to say He was disappointed in me.
“I know, honey.” She sniffed. “I don’t know why life has to be so complicated.”
“Because people always mess things up.”
She gave a watery laugh. “True.”
“We’ll get through this somehow.” Now I sounded like Tuck.
“I don’t know how to do life without your father. We’ve been tackling problems together longer than you’ve been alive, Piper.”
“Then don’t stop now. Dad needs your grace more than ever.”
She pulled into a space in front of an Italian restaurant. “How’s pasta for lunch?”
“Great. Their bread and oil here is the best.”
She turned off the ignition. “Let’s eat.”
Subject changed.
I got out of the car just as a flash went off. I blinked, trying to regain vision after the bright light. I thought the journalists were done with us. When the circles stopped dancing in my eyes, I saw a local reporter accompanied by a photographer.
“Mrs. McKinney, Ms. McKinney, what do you think of Ian McKinney’s statement?”
What were they talking about? How had they known we’d be here? Had we been followed?
“Will you forgive him, Mrs. McKinney?”
I turned to Mama just as she turned and looked at me. Saying nothing, she hooked our arms together, and we went around the reporter and into the restaurant. Fortunately, he didn’t follow.
“What’s going on?” Mama whispered.
“I have no idea.” But then an image of Daddy telling me about an exclusive interview wormed its way into my heart. Had he done that? He said he’d talk to his lawyer first. Surely he didn’t think it wise to publicly admit his guilt.
Something tickled my senses, and I scanned the premises. An overwhelming silence greeted us as every single patron stared. Some leaned in close to whisper, and others faked disinterest. Yeah, because all this wasn’t obvious.
I pulled my cell out of my purse, then typed in Daddy’s name and waited for the search engine results.
Ian McKinney Issues Formal Apology in #McKinneyGate Scandal
My mouth dropped open. I showed Mama the headline.
A similar headline caught my attention as well, but here wasn’t the place to click on either article.
“Maybe eating out isn’t such a good idea,” she said into my ear.
“Agreed.”
We turned around and left. The photographer was still there snapping photos, but I tucked my chin to my chest and ignored him.
As Mama drove us back to my house, I placed an order for pickup at a nearby sub shop. Surely there wouldn’t be a crowd there, allowing me to run in and out without being accosted and asked my opinion. A glance in the rearview mirror didn’t reveal any cars following us, though I wasn’t an expert at this. Watching spy movies just made me feel like a spy.
I itched to be alone and read Daddy’s apology. Had he only penned the op-ed to get Mama’s attention? Would she believe he was sincere?
By some unspoken agreement, neither one of us spoke again. Mama took her sub to the guest room, and I headed for my office. As soon as I sat down, I had the article open on my laptop, devouring the words faster than I nibbled on my sandwich.
It recently came to national attention that I authorized administration of illegal substances at Bolt Brook Thoroughbred Farm. Despite media speculation, I enlisted only the help of the veterinarian who worked for me. His name has already been released. No one else was aware of my scheme. I am ashamed of my actions and apologize for the hurt and various consequences my family has suffered because of my crime.
That was it. Nothing more.
Do you expect him to bare his soul to the local news?
I scrunched up my nose and put the article aside. Did I really need an apology letter? Daddy had already asked for forgiveness in person, and I agreed to give it. I needed to remind myself of that fact daily and make efforts to remove the distance and distrust between us.
Mama stuck her head into the office, and I jumped.
She frowned. “Are you busy?”
“No.”
“You don’t have anything going on with Tuck?”
I shook my head.
She came in and sat in the accent chair in front of my bookshelves. “Right now y’all are like peas and carrots.” She tucked an auburn strand behind her ear. “I hope he doesn’t ruin your relationship like your father ruined ours.”
“Mama,” I breathed. “I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, but please don’t talk like that. Tuck’s a good man.”
“I thought your father was too.” Her lips flattened, and she stared out the window. “You know, people said I wasn’t good enough for Ian McKinney.”
“Really?” Why had I never heard that before?
“I came from a poor family, and though your grandparents weren’t as wealthy as we are, they were still somebody.” She sighed. “I worked so hard to get good grades, work my way through college, wear the right things, talk the right way...”
Little bits of my life came together like a puzzle taking shape. “Is that why you always picked out my outfits?” And shoes and everything else she could control.
“Yes. But not just because of how I grew up.” Concern showed on her brow. “Piper, life in America for an African American...” Her hands twisted in her lap. “I love you. I love you with my whole heart, and I have ever since we decided to adopt you. But I didn’t really know what life I was subjecting you to when I signed those papers. You became part of my heart before my head ever considered the ramifications.”
“It hasn’t been all bad, Mama. Having two parents means the world to me.” Severe understatement.
Sure, I wondered what it would have been like to be raised in a majority Black community or even in my homeland. But that’s not how my life turned out. I couldn’t stay in those thoughts, because they wouldn’t help my present.
“But what did being picked on by white kids do to you? Somehow, I thought if I could change your clothes, make sure you had the best education, it would somehow lessen the stigma of you having white parents.”
I’d always known Mama loved me, but having her explain the reason she was so controlling made all the difference in the world.
“Thank you for all you did.”
“But was it enough, Piper?” Her brown eyes studied me.
“Well, adoption, just like being in a biological family, is what you make of it. You married Daddy, and he became yours. Y’all adopted me, and now I’m yours. I love Tuck, and now he’s mine.” I gave a grin. “It’s the beauty of relationships. We reap what we sow, and you sowed love. Please don’t forget that.” And I wouldn’t forget Daddy was part of that as well.
Mama’s eyes went glassy. “I love you, sweetie. And I can’t believe you finally admitted you love Tucker.” A huge grin lit her face. “It’s always been obvious he loves you too. You two are so good together.”
I came around the desk, we hugged, and I nestled my face in her chest and breathed in her scent. This was my mom, no matter what.
I pulled back. “Please don’t leave Daddy,” I whispered.
“What?” She sputtered. “I...” She shook her head. “I’m not going to leave your father.”
“Yes, because this resembles Bolt Brook.” Oops. That was too snarky and maybe slightly disrespectful.
“I just need some time to gather my wits. I don’t want him thinking he can get away with this.”
“Mama, he might go to prison. I’m pretty sure he knows he can’t get away with this. What he needs to know is whether he still has a wife.”
I bit my tongue and held back the for better or worse hanging there. Because honestly, I’m not sure what I’d do in her shoes. It was easy for me to forgive the man I so desperately wanted in my life. I didn’t want another parent to abandon me. Not that he had. He just made a huge mistake and got stuck in a pit of his own making.
I wanted to be there to see him climb free from the muck and mire and grow in grace.
“I’ll try,” she whispered shakily.
“That’s all I’m asking.”
Mama nodded, then left the room and me with my thoughts. Only I wasn’t going to spiral. I was going to pray and pray and pray some more. We needed God’s intervention if our family would regain any similarity to what it was before darkness fell.
Lord, please see us through this.