Chapter Twelve
Milly
We are sitting in an exam room waiting for Dad to get here.
We convinced the nurse to not sedate me.
We learned that it’s required, which means it’s possible no one knows that it’s Dad.
Adam only knows because he’s met him before.
It doesn’t seem like many people actually know who owns this practice because it’s not public information.
“I’m nervous,” I say, breaking the silence. “Like… I’m losing my mind. I’ve wrongfully blamed him… Mom has… She never corrected me when I said that Dad killed himself.”
“We can ask him about her when he gets in,” Adam suggests.
“Yeah,” I say with a sigh. “Maybe I do need to be sedated. I’m…”
I stop talking when the door opens, and a man walks in. I just stare at him, and he is frozen too. “Shut the door and sit with us, Tom,” Adam says.
“She can’t be here,” Dad says. “Adam, she can’t be here. It’s not safe.”
I look at Grayson because he looks more panicked than I do. “Why is she not safe?” Grayson asks. “I am Milly’s husband, recognized by The Society. Adam is by addition. She lives with us now.”
“You don’t live with…”
“Mom and Greg?” I ask. “No.”
“She has been under the assumption that you were the one who got her pregnant at ten and shot her before shooting yourself,” Adam says.
“I’m crazy,” I say. Adam and Grayson sigh heavily, and I laugh.
Dad smiles, and I can tell he is a bit more relaxed.
“Look… I have a dissociative disorder. I spent the last fourteen years imagining that Greg was raping someone else, but it was me. I only just figured out it was all in my head. I’m just remembering when I was shot, but more details are coming through.
I guess I just ignored the giant scar on my belly.
I don’t know if I even have long-term damage from it.
I know nothing. But I did tell Mom today that Greg had been raping me.
I also remembered that you were shot by someone else.
That person is the one who got me pregnant.
He is who shot me and then himself. I don’t know who that is.
I remember Mom coming in and yelling at me, then you.
I don’t know what she said, but that guy blew his brains out. ”
“That was Walter,” Dad says. “He was my older brother. He was staying with us for a while and was in the basement. I was there with you that day because you were throwing up… Walter came in and shot me, but then started kicking you. I gathered that you were pregnant and he was spiraling. He heard your mother come in, so he shot you, then himself.”
“Why did Mom let me believe you were the one who got me pregnant?” I ask.
“Baby… Your mom was making and selling videos of Walter raping you. That went on to videos with Greg. If I had tried to get close, they would have killed you. I tried once to take you from them, but then I got a video sent to me of Greg whipping you with a belt. Every time I tried, they hurt you. The Society was run by people who didn’t care, so I had no recourse,” he says.
“So… I told Mom that Greg was raping me. She acted surprised and mad,” I say. “But she knew!”
“Yeah. I’d steer clear of her now. I don’t know what she would do if she thinks you are sorting through your memories,” Dad says. “Can I uh… can I hug you?”
“Shit. Uh..” I back off, and he looks devastated, causing a wave of panic to hit me.
“Stop. You’re safe,” Grayson says as he pulls me to his chest. “Deep breaths.”
“It’s so confusing,” I say tearfully. “I know he didn’t… but it’s still there. Mixed up. I can see it, but I don’t believe it. I don’t know how to make it go away.”
“Look at me, Milly,” Grayson says as he holds my face and wipes away my tears. “Do you trust me?”
“Yes,” I whimper.
“We are right here, Baby Girl. You are safe,” he says softly. “Go slow and go to him.”
“Okay,” I say with a shaky voice.
“Tom, let her come to you. She needs to be the one to initiate contact,” Grayson says to Dad.
“Okay,” he says.
I turn to Dad, and he doesn’t move. My hands are tingling, and they won’t stop, so I tighten my fists and release them to try to restore normal feeling.
I am hyper-aware of everything around me.
I can feel how my clothes are lying on my body, how the clock is ticking on the wall, and I can hear the way they’re breathing.
Everyone is calm, except me. Grayson would never let anything happen to me.
I have never doubted that. I know he cares about me.
The only way I can do this is just… by doing it.
I don’t think about it anymore, I just force myself to rush over and wrap my arms around him.
He instantly breaks and wraps me in a tight hug as we both start crying.
“I’m sorry, Milly. I’m so sorry. I wanted to help.
I swear to God, I did,” Dad cries. Painful memories hit me one by one, but I feel safe in his arms. I can slowly untangle the lies that my brain is telling me.
The truth of who my father is comes to light, and I’m happy.
I never thought I’d ever be happy in this man’s arms… but, God, his hugs are so nice.
“I missed you,” I admit quietly.
“I missed you, too, sweetheart,” Dad says as he pulls back and cups my face. “I am so proud of the woman you’ve become.”
“I can’t even take care of myself, Dad,” I admit. “I am nothing to be proud of.”
“Milly Grace,” Dad says with a scolding tone.
“You have a master’s degree. You graduated at the top of your class.
Despite the horrific shit your mother has put you through.
Despite being isolated for your entire life.
You need to heal, and that works best when you don’t continue to isolate yourself, but needing help doesn’t make you helpless.
I’m proud of you, Milly, and I always will be. ”
“You know about my degree?” I ask.
“Baby, I went to your high school and college graduation. I stayed as close as I possibly could without your mother finding out,” he says. “Was anyone actually hurt?”
“No. We wanted to lure you,” I sniff.
“I’m glad you did,” he says as he hugs me again. This time, I soak in his comfort and let the happy memories start popping up.
“Going forward,” Grayson says, “understand that I do not allow her to be alone with anyone but myself or Adam. This isn’t accusatory; Milly just has intense triggers that I have a good handle on regulating.
When she is stressed, she is still susceptible to visual and auditory hallucinations.
Her PTSD is severe and unpredictable. She is going to get regulated on anxiety medication, but I want you to be aware that her trust and her comfort level do not go hand in hand. ”
“I’m crazy,” I chime in.
“Unfortunately, your mother is too,” Dad snorts. “But you know what?”
“Hmm?” I ask.
“While I don’t think you are crazy, you do. It’s important that you know that crazy doesn’t mean unworthy,” he tells me. “Someone hallucinating doesn’t automatically mean that the devil is telling them to murder kittens and stomp on babies,” he tells me.
“Gray said crazy people don’t know they’re crazy,” I laugh.
“Your bat shit crazy mother is a perfect example,” Dad says.
“So many things are starting to make sense right now,” Grayson admits with a chuckle. “My family is coming into town tomorrow. Why don’t you join us at the house for lunch?”
“I’d love that,” Dad says with a smile.
Is it true? Could I really be this lucky that I have my Dad back?