Chapter 8
As Dev held Kate, he wondered if he was doomed to appear weak and screwed up where she was concerned. He might as well add frightening to the list, too, since he'd scared her to tears.
Brilliant. Bloody brilliant.
It was on the tip of his tongue to apologize again, but he held silent. She wouldn't want to hear it.
Dev smoothed a strand of hair away and kissed her forehead without thinking.
Apples again. The scent of her shampoo made him close his eyes and breathe in deeply.
Unable to help himself, his fingers threaded through her thick black hair, wrapping it around his hand.
Kate snuggled in closer, her front pressed against his side, her hand coming to rest on chest. He swallowed as emotions rose up, threatening to swamp him.
He liked her here like this. More than he should.
Ever since seeing Kate in all her bare glory, Dev hadn't had any trouble imagining her in his bed. But he never imagined it like this.
The jingle of Hildie's tags on her collar and claws on wood made Kate lift her head. Dev scooted up to rest his back against the headboard as both dogs entered the room, tongues lolling, eyes bright. Happy. Kate sat all the way up. "I thought she'd be in here," she said quietly. "With you."
"I leave the back door unlatched so she can let herself out and get back in." He scratched at the stubble along his jaw. "I usually get up before, though…"
She looked down at him and slowly withdrew her hand from his chest. He waited, wondering what she'd say. If she'd hop off the bed, straighten her clothes, and act like everything was all right. If she'd give him hell… "You dream like that all the time?" she asked.
"No. Not like I used to." As a guy who didn't give much thought to modesty or nakedness, suddenly he felt self-conscious and vulnerable under her solemn blue gaze.
"I shouldn't have woken you like that."
"I shouldn't have tossed you on the bed.
" Her lips dipped into a wry smile. "I wouldn't have hurt you, Kate," he added quietly.
The uncertainty in her eyes made him wince inside.
"As soon as I touched you, I knew it was you.
" Of course, he'd moved so fast that touching her and having her flat on her back were pretty much instantaneous.
"You held me down."
He shook his head. "I know. It wasn't my intention.
You were already under me, and I . . . I just needed to be still for a second.
Give myself a minute to wake up, gather my wits.
" He dragged a hand through his hair. "But I put you in that position.
I should have moved off. I'm not used to having someone here. It's not an excuse and I'm sorry…"
She was biting her lip and staring at him with an unreadable look, but it felt like she could see inside of him, see all the things he didn't want her, or anyone else, to see. Christ. She'd seen enough already.
Hildie and Terry stared at them, both dogs sitting on the floor, just waiting for a word, a gesture. Dev smiled at them and noticed Kate had shifted her attention and was smiling at them too.
"I think they want to come up," she said.
"Yeah. You're in Hil's spot."
Even though it was dim in the room, Kate could see the crooked grin on Devin's face and her heart tripped over.
She swallowed. Leaning back against the headboard, in his boxer briefs, all that hard muscle on display.
His rumpled hair, the morning stubble on his jaw, and those bad-ass tattoos; he had no idea the picture or the temptation he presented.
And, worse, she was in Hildie's spot, which only made Devin even more appealing.
He lets his dog sleep on the bed. It spoke volumes to Kate.
She'd done the same with her old lab, Ranger, when he was alive.
Kate blinked and turned back to the dogs, feeling off-kilter and confused. Devin made her feel too many things at once. She'd held onto him before and had felt safe and hurt and connected and scared. How was that for chaotic?
And now she was sitting on his bed, pressed against his hip and thigh, like they were a couple.
But it wasn't real. This picture. Them.
A small part of her countered that thought, asking why it couldn't be real. And Kate didn't have an answer.
When his hand slid down her arm and took her hand, she jumped, realizing she'd been staring into space. She wished he wouldn't touch her. Everything went crazy when he did. He tugged so she'd look at him.
"Thank you," he said.
"Why are you thanking me?"
He shrugged. "Because you gave a damn. Because you tried. It's not a part of me I want anyone to see. I'd rather you hadn't. But I do appreciate you wanting to help."
"Let me guess. If you had it your way, you'd deal with everything all on your own. Not let anyone see your grief."
His jaw went tight and Kate wondered why she had to push it, why she cared in the first place. Why didn't she just say "you're welcome" and get the hell out of there?
"That's the plan," he replied with a slight edge.
"You let Hildie in. You're not totally alone. Maybe it's not such a bad idea to let someone else in, too."
Tension came over his expression. "You offering?"
Kate flinched. She could feel herself go pale.
No. Of course not. She wasn't offering. She didn't want to be the one he leaned on, the one he let in.
She was just . . . what was she doing? Did she want to be the one?
As soon as the question presented itself, she knew, deep down, she did.
She wanted to be the one to make him grin like the devil, to feel safe and not alone, to hold him, give him strength…
Holy crap.
Her heart pounded. She couldn't breathe. She frowned at him, shaking her head, telling him "no" with her look. A look she was pretty sure bordered on horrified.
She scrambled off the bed as Devin reached for her. "Kate."
She stopped a few feet from the bed. "This was a mistake. I'm sorry. Again. I keep saying that, don't I?" Panic made her voice tremble, made her want to run. "Maybe it's best we don't interact anymore."
Devin rose from the bed with a determined look on his face and started toward her.
Kate backed up. He kept coming. Inches from her.
They backed up together. Until the wall stopped them.
Where was the door? Devin's front pressed against hers, his thighs, hips, groin, and torso pining her to the wall.
His hands came up, his fingers diving into her hair as he cupped her face.
He was going to kiss her, and for Kate it felt like if she let him, she'd be branded.
The final step to throwing away her heart.
Still, her eyelids slid closed and her nerves sparked, making little fires go off under her skin.
She was struck by how much she wanted him, struck so hard that in one smooth, panicked move, she dropped through his arms and darted out the bedroom door.
Devin MacLaren could hurt her far worse than Holden ever had.
Breathless, she hurried down the steps and out the door. As soon as she was outside, she broke into a dead run, speeding around the corner of the house and nearly colliding with Lucy.
"Jeez!" she rasped, startled.
Lucy grabbed both of her arms, worry instantly overtaking her features. "Wha—"
"I think I'm in love with Devin," Kate blurted with all the doom and horror she felt.
The back door slammed. Her head whipped around.
"Kate!" Devin's voice rang out.
She turned back to Lucy. "Please get me out of here."
And thank God for cousinly love because that's exactly what Lucy did.
She practically shoved her into the passenger seat of Ian's Range Rover and took off as Devin came around the corner in nothing but his briefs.
Lucy jammed the gas pedal, tossed a wave out the window, and left him standing in a cloud of dust.
"Holy cow, Kate," Lucy breathed after turning out of Devin's driveway. "Are you freaking kidding me?"
Kate leaned her head back against the seat and started laughing. Lucy reached over and felt her forehead for fever. "I'm not sick. Well," she said, her laughter dying, "maybe I am." She let her head roll to the side and stared at the scenery speeding past.
"Kate," Lucy said at length. "Did you mean it?"
Kate rolled her head the other way to look at her cousin. "Lucy," she said with all sincerity and finality, "he lets his dog sleep on the bed."
A bewildered look flashed across Lucy's face, but then she nodded in solidarity. "Yeah. I had moments like that with Ian. The biggest was when we were fishing. He was joking around and said I'd miss him when I left. And I realized I would, so much that it hurt to think about, you know?"
Kate leveled a glare at her cousin. While she was still trying to come to terms with how she felt, she hadn't thought of the fact that she'd be leaving soon.
"Sorry," Lucy said. "Maybe you don't have to leave. Maybe he feels the same."
Kate let out a sharp laugh. "Yeah. You always were the dreamer, Luc. No. He doesn't feel the same. How could he?"
"How could you?"
"But maybe I don't, you know? Maybe it's not real."
"How so?"
"Do you remember when I was little, I was always bringing hurt animals home? Always rescuing strays, fixing their wounds… Maybe this is the same. Devin . . ." Kate clamped up. She wasn't sure how much to say and she didn't want to betray Devin's confidence.
"I know he has trouble sometimes," Lucy said, parking next to the cottage and then turning to look at Kate.
"He lost his best friend, Carter. There was an ambush, I think.
Carter was Hildie's handler and she nearly died too.
She was shot trying to protect Carter—that's why she retired—and Devin pulled them both to safety, but it was too late.
Carter was already gone. Ian has bad memories, too, lost friends.
.. But they're coping. This place, being here on the estate helps.
And James, when he gets out, he'll need time to adjust and deal with everything too.
Look, Devin might be quiet and reserved, but he's strong.
He has to be to get up every day and forge ahead despite what he's seen and been through.
Maybe you're not attracted to the wounded parts.
Maybe what's got you falling is way, way more than that. "
Kate stared out the window. So much for finding an excuse to question her feelings.
Lucy was right, of course. She was more attracted to Devin's strength, his character, his quiet way, and love of animals.
The way he worked with his hands. The way he looked at her, like he could brand her as his with one glance.
"Sucks when I'm always right, doesn't it?" Lucy said.
Kate rolled her eyes and shared a smile with her cousin.
"Still, it doesn't change the fact that I'll leave and it'll be over whether I want it to be or not.
Not that it has even begun." Kate groaned and put her head in her hands for a second.
"I'm doing the same thing I did with Holden.
Falling for someone who isn't on the same page as me.
God," she shook her head and felt tears thicken her throat. "I'm such an idiot."
Lucy leaned over and grabbed Kate's hand. "No. That would be Riley, groveling after Mark when the jerk doesn't deserve her. Don't tell her I said that."
"Oh, she knows how we feel, trust me."
"Yeah. We did make our feelings clear I guess. Our Riley is nothing if not stubborn," Lucy said on a sigh, then went quiet for a moment. "Kate, you're not an idiot. You have no idea how Dev feels. Didn't he run after you just now? I'm not even going to ask why he was in his undies."
"It's not what you think," she said lamely. Though if she hadn't high-tailed it out of there, it might be exactly what Lucy thought.
"Doesn't matter. I saw the way he looked at you when we all had lunch. Intensity like that doesn't come along every day."
"That's because he saw me naked in the barn—he was probably having flashbacks." Kate shook her head at the ridiculousness of it all. What a way to meet someone. She leaned over and hugged Lucy. "You're nuts, Luc, but I love ya."
"And right. Don't forget right."
Weariness settled over her. She'd had enough emotional ups and downs for one morning, thank you.
After saying goodbye and taking a rain check on Lucy's lunch offer, she got out of the car and closed the door.
Kate waved and then headed into the cottage, undressed, and climbed beneath the bed covers.