Chapter 17
R ae went for Chinese, dined with Emma in her bedroom, then departed after Emma swatted the air irritatingly and ordered her out.
Every minute with this exasperating, cantankerous woman was a gift.
Every second. Rae headed for her office, determined to dive into the pile of administrivia she’d been putting off.
Spend the rest of the afternoon immersed in legalese.
Amiya phoned just as Rae crossed the Radio Island bridge. “Emma told me about your sailing adventure. I am hoping to bribe my way on board. If there’s room.”
“Room is not an issue. Brody has found us an amazing boat.”
“Is that a yes, I can come?”
“I’m an attorney. I am open to negotiations.”
“You also happen to be my attorney.”
“Sorry. Conflict of interest and all that.”
“I have no idea what you just said.”
“We were discussing bribes.”
“Two loaves of still warm sourdough. All kinds of cheese. Grapes and pears and such. Emma has requested wine. I suppose I could spring for that as well.”
Rae confessed, “I forgot all about food.”
“When I told Emma what I had in mind, she said it’s to be her best Christmas feast ever. That has to count for something, even with an attorney who’s trying to make things difficult.”
They were still making plans when her phone chimed with another incoming call.
Holden.
Rae apologized with words she did not actually hear, cut the connection, accepted the new call, and said, “Holden, hi.”
His voice was not battleground crisp, but close. “Where are you, Rae?”
“Just leaving Morehead for the island. What—”
“Can we meet at your office?”
There was no reason this conversation should send her heart into overdrive. None whatsoever. “Five minutes.”
Rae parked behind her little apartment and walked the two blocks to her office.
A chilly ocean breeze swirled about the stubby island buildings, pushing and twisting and seeking somewhere to pounce.
The streets and sidewalks were empty. Rae felt the wind work through her clothes, nibble at her neck and hands and ankles, then she turned the corner and forgot about the cold, the day, Emma, everything.
Standing there in front of her office door was Holden.
As she approached, the wind took on a new purpose. It reached into her mind and, with cold and clinical precision, began unraveling her tangled thoughts. They formed two distinct lines. One to be shared with Holden. The other strictly for her.
The divided mental process held a distinct clarity. The secret portion of this dialogue focused on just one thought: This fine man deserved better than she had offered.
Holden said in greeting, “I don’t like the way you talked to me.”
She so enjoyed looking at this man. The balanced features, the clear-eyed calm, his gentle manner, the hidden power, the mystery, the secret blade.
“Twice,” Holden said. “I didn’t like it at all.”
Rae’s words became fashioned from the biting wind. “You deserve better,” she replied. “Kindness, warmth.” She started to add an additional word. Love . But cut that off and left it unspoken.
“Not your courtroom voice,” Holden agreed.
“I hurt you, speaking the way I did,” Rae acknowledged.
“A lot,” he agreed.
“I’m sorry.” The dual strands were fully separated now. She saw him with a lover’s heart and an attorney’s brain. “You’re a very good man. I should have started with that. And ended with it as well.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Those two moments you chose to talk about feelings. And a future. Us. Together. It was the worst possible timing.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that?”
“I tried to, remember?” When he remained silent, she continued, “I had no bandwidth to respond emotionally. I offered you what I had.”
“I feel like I’m getting more of the same now.”
That surprised her, for internally she felt as if her emotions were there in every word. It felt as if the wind sighed for her. “Emma is not well. I told you that. I feel like everything else inside my world has been put on hold. Especially my emotions.”
“That’s tough,” Holden allowed. “I know how much she means to you.”
Actually, he didn’t. This from the attorney.
And suddenly the silent conversation came to dominate, forming a string of questions.
Most were those she asked herself at the close of every romantic chapter.
Was this her lifelong fate? Did she force her men away because of some unknown flaw?
Did she select men she knew were not lifelong material? And so forth.
Her heart responded as it often did in her predawn chats. Weeping internal tears, wishing and aching for what she did not have. Fearing it might never be hers to claim. And yet …
Sprinkled among these old painful questions were a few she had not faced before.
Was she ready, finally, at long last, to give herself fully? Was a lifelong commitment truly where she had arrived?
Was it Holden?
Had it ever been?
And with that, her heart went silent.
Rae asked, “Why are you here? I’m sorry, that came out totally wrong. I meant, why are you here now?”
“I’m going away.”
“On a job?”
He might have nodded, but if so, it was barely a fractional shift. Like he had motioned against his will. Or better judgment. Something.
Rae added, “And you can’t or don’t want to talk about it.”
“Confidentiality is a vital part of our service,” Holden replied. Now he was the one showing her a clinical tone. “Revealing our task or destination is cause for instant dismissal. This defines our work and sets us apart.”
Rae added the last part for him. “You don’t think I should have demanded to be let in.”
“I spoke to you about intimacy and a shared tomorrow. You played the lawyer.”
“That’s what I am, Holden. An attorney at law. It defines and shapes my life. For us to be together permanently, we need a union that includes this. Really. Otherwise, our lives can never be forged as one.”
He was ready for that. “Most couples do fine, keeping work separate.”
“That isn’t how I want to live.”
She actually saw the door close in his gaze. Holden on one side, she on the other. He opened his mouth to respond, then just turned and walked away.
Rae stood and watched until he was swallowed by the afternoon light. She did not feel regret so much as old. Entering her office and crossing the front room formed a legendary trek. She settled into her office chair and just sat there, too aged and ancient to do more than breathe.
Finally, she did the only thing that came to mind. Regardless of how utterly illogical it was. Rae Alden, the attorney, withered down to where she acted on instinct alone. She texted Brody. A solitary cry for help. Just two words. All she could manage.
Call me.