Chapter 15
Fifteen
Joy
I pull back from Winter's embrace just enough to look up at him, his face blurry through my tears. My heart is pounding so hard I can barely breathe, and every logical part of my brain is screaming at me to get in the car and drive away before I do something reckless.
But the rest of me—the part that's been buried for ten years, the part that's been slowly waking up over the past few days—is screaming even louder.
"I thought I had everything I needed," I hear myself say, the words tumbling out before I can stop them.
"My job, my apartment, some money in my bank account, my boss's approval.
I worked so hard for all of it, Winter. So hard.
I sacrificed relationships and experiences and time with the people I loved because I thought if I just worked hard enough, achieved enough, proved enough, then I'd finally feel successful.
Finally feel like I'd made the right choice in leaving. "
His hands are still on my face, his thumbs still wiping away tears that won't stop falling.
"But I was lying to myself," I continue, my voice getting stronger even as I'm shaking. "Every single day I was lying to myself, telling myself I was happy, that I was living the life I wanted. And then I got stuck here in the snow with you and Alana, and…"
My voice breaks, and I have to take a breath before I can continue.
"These past few days showed me I don't have anything that matters.
Nothing that's real. Nothing that fills the empty spaces inside me.
I have things, Winter. I have accomplishments and a nice apartment and a respectable job title.
But I don't have love. I don't have family.
I don't have anyone who looks at me the way Alana looked at me when she opened that crown, or the way you looked at me when we were decorating the tree. "
"Joy..." His voice is rough with emotion.
"I don't want to go back to Indianapolis alone," I say, the words coming faster now as I finally let myself admit the truth.
"I don't want to go back to my empty apartment and my demanding job and my own loneliness.
I don't want to spend another ten years wondering what if, regretting this moment, missing you and Alana and the life we could build together. "
His eyes are bright with hope and fear, and I can feel him holding his breath, waiting for me to say what he needs to hear.
"I want to stay here," I whisper. "I want to stay here and build a family with you.
With both of you. I want morning pancakes and afternoon walks and bedtime stories.
I want to be there when Alana has a bad day at school.
I want to help her with her homework and teach her to bake and be someone she can count on.
I want to wake up next to you every morning and fall asleep in your arms every night.
I want the simple, comfortable, beautiful life you described. "
A sound escapes him, something between a laugh and a sob.
"I left once before," I say, my voice steady now even though I'm still crying.
"I left because I thought I knew what I wanted, what I needed.
And it was a mistake, Winter. Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life.
I've known it for years, but I was too proud to admit it, too scared to come back and face what I'd thrown away. "
I take a shaky breath, gathering my courage for what I need to say next.
"I won't make that mistake again," I tell him firmly. "I won't let fear or pride or other people's expectations keep me from the life I actually want. The life I've always wanted, even when I was too blind to see it."
"Joy, are you saying…" He can barely get the words out.
"I'm saying I love you, Winter." The words set me free. "I love you, and I never stopped loving you, and I'm done pretending that I can build a life that doesn't include you in it."
"You're staying?" He asks it like he's afraid to believe it, afraid this is some kind of dream he's going to wake up from.
"I'm staying," I confirm, and saying it out loud makes it real and I can't take it back. "I'm staying in Pine Ridge. I'm staying with you. If you'll have me."
"If I'll have you?" He laughs, pulling me tight against him, lifting me off the ground and spinning me around. "Joy, I've been waiting for you to come home for ten years."
When he sets me back down, he's kissing me, and it's different from all the other kisses we've shared this week. This one is full of promises. A beginning instead of an ending.
When we finally break apart, we're both laughing and crying at the same time.
"What about your apartment?" he asks, suddenly practical even in the middle of this emotional moment.
"I'll figure it out," I tell him, and I mean it. "I'll break my lease or sublease the apartment. I'll deal with my parents and their inevitable disappointment. I'll handle all of it, Winter, because none of it matters as much as this. As us."
"Are you sure?" He's searching my face, looking for any sign of doubt. "Because once you do this, once you call your boss and quit your job and break your lease, there's no taking it back. This is real, Joy. This is forever."
"I know." And I do. For the first time in ten years, I'm absolutely certain about something. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life."
He kisses me again, softer this time, like he's trying to memorize the feeling. "I love you," he murmurs against my lips. "I love you so damn much."
"I love you too." I'm crying again, but these are happy tears. "I love you, and I want to tell Alana. Can we go tell her? I don't want her to worry that I left."
Winter grins, that same boyish grin I fell in love with when we were teenagers. "She's going to lose her mind. She whispered to me last night that she hoped one day she could get a mom like you."
My heart swells at the thought. "I don't want to rush that or overstep. I know she had a mom who left, and I don't want to…"
"Joy." He stops me with a gentle hand on my cheek. "You're nothing like Starla. Nothing. And Alana knows the difference. She's been looking for someone like you her whole life. Someone who sees her, really sees her, and loves her for exactly who she is."
"I do love her," I admit. "I know it's only been a few days, but I love that little girl so much already."
"Then let's go tell her." He takes my hand, leading me toward his truck. "Let's go tell her you're staying. That you're going to be part of our family. That she doesn't have to say goodbye."
"Wait." I stop, looking back at my rental car. "What about all of that?"
"We'll come back for it later," Winter says. "Right now, I just want to get you home."
Home.
The word feels like a warm blanket, and I realize that's exactly what Cedar Lodge is. What Pine Ridge is. Not because of the place itself, but because of the people in it. Because of Winter and Alana and the life we're going to build together.
We climb into his truck, and as we drive back toward the lodge, I can't stop smiling.
"What are you thinking about?" Winter asks, glancing over at me as he drives.
"I'm thinking about how different my life is going to be in an hour than it was an hour ago," I tell him honestly. "And how scared I am. And how happy I am. And how strange it is that both things can be true at the same time."
"That's love," he says simply. "It's terrifying and wonderful all at once."
"Yeah," I agree, squeezing his hand. "Yeah, it is."
When we pull up to the lodge, I can see Alana's face pressed against the front window, watching for us. The moment she sees the truck, she disappears, and seconds later she's bursting through the front door, still in her pajamas, running toward us.
"You came back!" she shouts as I open the truck door. "I thought you left, but you came back!"
"I came back," I confirm, kneeling down as she crashes into me for a hug. "I came back because I realized something really important."
"What?" She pulls back to look at my face, her eyes wide and hopeful.
I glance up at Winter, who's standing beside us with his hand on my shoulder, and then back at Alana.
"I realized that everything I want is right here in Pine Ridge," I tell her. "With you and your dad. So I'm not leaving, Alana. I'm staying."
"Staying?" Her mouth drops open. "Like, staying staying? Like, living here?"
"Yes," I laugh, fresh tears streaming down my face. "Like staying staying. If that's okay with you."
"Okay with me?" She throws her arms around my neck again, squeezing so tight I can barely breathe. "It's the best thing ever! Joy's staying, Dad! She's really staying!"
"I know, princess." Winter's voice is thick with emotion as he wraps his arms around both of us. "She's staying."
We stand there in the parking lot, the three of us, holding each other as the sun shines down and the snow melts around us.
"Can I call you Mom?" Alana asks suddenly, pulling back to look at me. "Or is that weird? 'Cause I know you're not my real mom, but I don't have a mom, and I really want one, and I really want it to be you."
My heart feels like it's going to burst. "Oh, sweetheart. That's not weird at all. But maybe we should take it slow? Get to know each other better first? There's no rush."
"Okay," she agrees easily. "But someday I can call you Mom, right? When you're ready too?"
"Someday," I promise, looking up at Winter, who's watching us with so much love in his eyes I can barely stand it. "Someday very soon, I hope."
"Good." Alana grabs my hand and Winter's hand, trying to pull us both toward the lodge. "Come on, let's go tell everyone"
As we walk toward the lodge together, Alana chattering excitedly between us, I feel something contentment settle in my chest. Filling a space that's been unsettled for ten years.
Peace. Contentment. Rightness.
This is where I'm meant to be. This is who I'm meant to be with. This is the life I was always supposed to have, if only I'd been brave enough to choose it.
We reach the door, and I turn back for one last look at my rental car sitting at the end of the road, abandoned. It seems fitting somehow. That car was supposed to take me away from here, back to my old life. Instead, it's sitting empty while I walk into my new life.
"You okay?" Winter asks softly.
"Yeah," I tell him, and I mean it. "I'm better than okay."
He kisses my temple, and we follow Alana inside, where Carol is waiting with knowing eyes.
"So?" Carol asks, even though she clearly already knows. "Are you staying for a while, or...?"
"She's staying forever!" Alana announces before I can answer. "She's part of our family now!"
The smile that breaks across Carol's face is genuine and warm. "Well, it's about damn time. Welcome home, Joy."
Welcome home.
Two words that mean everything.
I look at Winter, at Alana, at the lodge that's going to become my home, at the life that's stretching out before me full of possibility and hope and love.
And as we walk hand in hand toward our future, Alana skipping ahead of us, I can't help but smile.
I came to Pine Ridge expecting nothing but a quick visit and an awkward reunion.
Instead, I found everything I never knew I needed.
I found love. I found family. I found home.
And this time, I'm never letting it go.