A Second Chance to Feel Me

1. Surviving

SURVIVING

OLIVIA

I look at the clock and sigh when I realize it’s just after two in the afternoon.

The day is dragging. I was hoping it was later.

I admit, I have my favorite parts of the day.

Early mornings are the worst. Yet, mostly I look forward to the night.

When it’s night, I can live inside my dreams. The pain is somewhat manageable that way.

It’s only then that I am in Bear’s arms. He’s holding me as if I’m the only person in the world, and for that brief respite, life is good again.

The past never happened. My world didn’t end. Life has a purpose.

And then I wake up.

For six months now, I’ve been at the Black Stone Ranch. I work at the campground office. I enjoy it. I get to meet new people, and although the work is easy, it’s constant and keeps my mind busy—which is exactly how I like it.

There are days I feel almost normal—like I’m not the woman living out of a cage and used as a chew toy for a rabid motorcycle gang that needed to be put down.

Then, there are days where I question everything and wonder if my brother is truly dead.

They did DNA and said the charred body from the explosion was him, but I can’t help but worry that it wasn’t and someday he’ll come to drag me back into hell with him.

Today falls roughly between all of that chaos.

Where I’m not panicking and looking over my shoulder, yet at the same time, I can’t help but remember the past. I’ve worked since four this morning filing and cleaning the office.

I’m not supposed to clean this place. They have a service that they use.

I can’t resist though. Cleaning keeps my mind busy.

In six months, I’ve made progress—at least that’s what they tell me.

I guess in some ways I have. I function normally now.

I still have panic attacks, though there are fewer of them.

Winnie—my former therapist and now bestie—was right about feeling safe here at Black Stone.

I do. Yet, I still stumble at times. It’s the weirdest thing.

Occasionally, all the ranch hands gather here for a cookout or similar event.

I attend only because Deb and Lisa insist on it.

When I’m there, I listen to the ranch hands laughing and enjoying the dinner.

Yet, my attention always settles on one man.

Lake.

I’ve never really seen him, just the back of him mostly—sometimes a profile.

Still, when he says something, he sounds so much like Bear that I’m instantly transported back in time.

Realistically, I know it can’t be him. It’s just not possible.

I held Bear while he died. Douglas pulled him out of the cage and even stabbed him one final time while taunting me.

Bear’s gone. Still, that voice being so similar is enough to send me hurling.

I’ve always managed to make it to my cabin before I completely lose it, but it’s close.

“What are you thinking about so intently?”

I turn my attention back to my cell pressed against my ear.

I’d completely forgotten about it. That’s another issue I have.

My mind can wonder and everything around me ceases to exist for the most part.

“Nothing much. I just have a lot on my mind today—none of it meaningful. I’m just a little overwhelmed. ”

“I’m sorry. You should call me when you’re like this. I’d love it. Besides, I don’t get to see you as much since you fired me as your therapist.”

I roll my eyes and snort. “I didn’t fire you.

I just needed a change. We’re so close, even you admitted you couldn’t be entirely impartial these days.

Plus, it’s weird. A lot of what I need to work through is my relationship with Bear and Blade.

I don’t want to talk to my therapist about my ex—especially if that ex is now her whole life,” I laugh.

“Oh, please. I’m the best one to talk to about him. I know what an asshole he can be.”

We both chuckle at her answer, and I rub the back of my neck. I can feel a migraine starting to form and that’s the last thing I need today. “Stop. You know what I mean. It’s just easier. I still tell you everything we discuss,” I laugh.

“I know. I’m just giving you a hard time.

Do you want to come to dinner this Saturday?

Hangman is coming. He’s supposed to bring Sunny and Dakota,” she adds.

I know she’s mentioning Hangman because, other than Cross, he’s one of the Saint’s Outlaws MC members that I’m closest to.

He’s the acting President and the main one in charge.

After Blade—Bear’s brother—was released from jail, he decided to separate his life from the club.

It’s a role that Bear wanted for his brother, CEO of the club’s biggest moneymaker, the Golden Hawk Casino and Resort.

It’s more than a full-time job, and Blade has been doing great.

Bear would be proud of him. Because of that decision, Hangman took the presidency of the club, but left it open for Blade to take over if he changed his mind.

It’s strange how everything has worked out. I never imagined the man I once saw as mine for life would now be with my best friend. Then again, therapy has helped me realize one thing.

I may not have died physically while being a captive of my brother and his club. I still died, though. The Olivia I was before ceased to exist. I’m different now and I have to grow into this new life. Slowly, I think I’m doing that. At least I hope I am.

“I can’t,” I explain to Winnie.

“Why not?” she asks, clearly not happy.

“Carson, Coop, and Colt are having this big event and training weekend for the nation’s top bodyguards. It’s all hands on deck. They want me to help in the kitchen, and after dinner I’m going to take care of Claire.”

“Now I’m jealous of you. Lisa and Carson’s daughter is absolutely beautiful.”

“She is,” I murmur, a familiar ache in my chest.

“I could always tell Blade he’s on his own and come to you so I can help with the baby.”

I laugh, knowing Winnie has baby fever. They’re not trying, but only because Winnie said she had to be smart and take her time to get to know Blade. I know it will happen sooner rather than later, though. Those two are too much in love.

“Sorry, but Cross is staying over, and he’ll be helping.”

“He’s staying there a lot. Is there something going on with you two that I should know about?”

“Stop. Cross is like a second father to me. He loves spending time with me, and he adores Claire.”

“Why do I sense a but there?” she laughs.

“I was only going to say that I think the main reason he’s staying here is because Debra will be coming over too.”

“Oh my God! Cross has the hots for Deb? This is awesome!”

“I must admit, they’re really cute together. Deb is guarded, but she’s allowing him in little by little. I’m kind of the buffer between them.”

“I’m so happy for her—for both of them,” Winnie whispers, her voice filled with awe.

“Me too. It’s really nice to watch them,” I admit.

“You know, Deb’s past is pretty bad too. If she can move past it all, maybe you should take this as a sign—”

“Winnie, stop,” I order, before she can go on.

Deb was originally from Dallas, Texas. One night, after she got off work, she was mugged and two masked men pulled her into a dark alley.

They robbed her, then proceeded to rape and beat her.

They left her lying in her own blood and the filth of that forgotten alley.

She almost died and would have if a homeless person hadn’t found her and had someone call the police.

She’s had a long road back, but she’s getting there.

Deb is a distant cousin to Lisa, and when Lisa’s mom told her what happened, she asked her husband to make a place for her here at the ranch.

Just like they did for me.

Actually, a lot of us have pasts that nearly killed us. I don’t know why Carson and his brothers opened this ranch, but I’m grateful. I have a good support system—thanks to Blade and Bear’s club brothers—but I’m not sure I would be doing as well as I am if I didn’t feel so safe here.

“I’m just saying, maybe you should think about going out on a date. It can be a group date, that way you aren’t alone,” she suggests, and I close my eyes.

“Winnie, I love you. You know yourself that what Deb went through for one night is way different from what I endured.”

“Livy…” she whispers, her voice broken, and I hate it. Of all the emotions I despise from others—it’s pity. I don’t want to be pitied.

“It’s not even about dating, Winnie. I just don’t want a relationship. There’s only one spot in my heart and the man inside it will never leave.”

She goes quiet for a minute. “Sweetheart, he’s gone. You’re alive. He’d want you to be happy. I didn’t know Bear, but from everything you and Blade have told me, that’s all Bear ever wanted for you.”

“It was. He wanted it so much that he tried to give me to his brother, and that nearly destroyed all of us. Things are as they should be now. I’m happy.

I’m healing. That’s more than I ever expected.

Please don’t cheapen that by telling me I need to start dating.

I held the man I love in my arms as he died.

He gave his life for me. That kind of love is more than most people ever get. I’m okay. Stop worrying.”

“Okay,” she says, although I can hear that she doesn’t really agree.

“Good. Now, I have to get. I just heard the bell over the door chime. I need to get back out front.”

“Talk to you soon, Livy.”

“Talk to you soon,” I agree and hang up.

With a sigh, I lay my cell on the table in the storage room I’m organizing and cleaning, and sigh as I walk toward the front.

I’m thankful for the distraction. I know Winnie means well, but I don’t want to hear it.

Life is good for me now. I don’t need anything else.

As for a man, I’ve learned my lesson. If I can’t have Bear next to me, I don’t need anyone.

Some may think I’m crazy, yet I know that if the roles were reversed, Bear would be the same.

Immediately, my mind travels back to one of the nights that haunt my dreams every night.

(Flashback)

“We have to find some way to get out of here,” I whisper, trying to clean more of Bear’s wounds.

By all rights, he should be dead. Douglas and his asshole club spend their time beating and torturing Bear until he’s on the brink of death.

Then, they’ll have the club’s creepy-says-he’s-a-doctor-monster patch him up and shoot him full of steroids and antibiotics, all just to keep him around for a little longer.

I’ve lost track of how long we’ve been in here.

“My brothers will find us,” Bear says quietly.

His rough fingers are sifting through my hair.

We’re in a small-like kennel, lying in the middle on the floor, because if you touch the wire, you get zapped with electricity.

The floor is cold, barren cement, but we’ve been here so long that it no longer bothers me. Heck, I don’t even notice it.

I smile at Bear’s words. He always says that. His belief in his club is absolute. Mine? Not so much. After all, Ranger was one of his club brothers, and Ranger is the one who handed him over to my brother.

“Rest. My brother will be here soon to drag me out to clean the club,” I tell him, my heart squeezing in my chest as I lie to him.

I don’t tell Bear what really happens to me.

How Douglas lets Lucky rape me in front of everyone.

How Lucky takes pleasure in that or the other vile things he lets the others do to me.

I keep all that hidden from Bear. He may secretly suspect, but he lets me have my lie either way, so I cling to it.

“One day, my club and I will kill them all and lay them at your feet, Livy.”

“I love you, Bear,” I whisper, unable to find anything else to say. I want Bear to hold on to hope as long as he can. One of us should at least. I’ve given up—and have for a while.

“I’m sorry, Livy. I fucked everything up.

I made a mistake with Ayita. I stayed with her out of a misguided sense of loyalty.

After the mess with Mavis, she stood by me.

I felt I owed her. I never loved her like a man loves a woman he wants to share his life with—like I love you.

If I had it to do over, I would have ended things the day you and I reconnected.

I would have been honest with both of you. God, I wish I could go back.”

I shake my head sadly. “If you could go back, I would want you to never love me, Bear. I’d beg you to stay far away from me. Maybe then Douglas wouldn’t use me to hurt you.”

“Then you would rob me of the only happiness I’ve ever had. You’re the only part of my life, Livy, that was worthwhile. You’re everything.”

“I’m the reason you’re dying,” I sob before I can stop myself, tears falling from my eyes. They come quickly. I don’t get a chance to try to hold them in. Bear moves our joined hands over to his chest, where his heart is.

“I’m still here, Livy. I’m not gone yet. Feel me. Feel my heart beating against your hand. I will fight the devil himself to stay with you. My love for you will keep me going. It’s there with every beat.”

“Bear …”

“Feel me,” he implores once more.

I lean down and kiss him. Bear’s in bad shape, but I can feel the way his cock is hard against me.

I know it’s risky and I know I shouldn’t, but the two of us are going to die here.

I want to make love to him before our deaths.

I move so that I’m sitting on him. His cock is pressed against my center.

I don’t take off the dirty brown shirt I’m wearing.

There are scars on me I don’t want Bear to see.

The light in here is so dim that he cannot see the cigarette burns and knife cuts covering my body.

He knows I’ve been whipped, so I’m sure he can guess, but the darkness transforms our secrets into white lies that help us survive hour by hour.

“Bear,” I whimper as he slides inside me.

I’m sore from the abuse I’ve suffered. Hell, I may have a disease I don’t know about.

It doesn’t matter. Bear and I are both marked for death.

For this small space in time, I just want to pretend that Bear and I have a future—the one we always dreamed about.

“Livy … What are you doing?”

“I love you. I just want us to disappear from here, even if it’s only for a small amount of time, Bear. I want the world to disappear and be only you and me,” I beg.

“Then feel me, my love. Feel me inside you. Feel my heart beating only for you. Feel my love…”

(End Flashback)

I push the memories aside, wiping a stray tear from the corner of my eye. There’s no way you can replace that kind of love. I won’t even try. Bear is and will always remain my world. I struggle to contain my emotions and step through the doors that open to the small space behind the counter.

When I look up at my customer, I gasp before I can stop myself …