Chapter 17 #2
“Yeah—not that it’s your fault. I’m responsible for my sobriety,” he quickly asserted.
“See, it was such a shock when Nicole died and I felt guilty about getting so angry at her. Really guilty. I mean, on my worst days—even though I knew it wasn’t true—I used to wonder if she drowned on purpose, to get back at me for what I said.
And then I’d think if that’s what she did, it served me right because I shouldn’t have been such a jerk. ”
The brutal honesty of his confession struck a chord with Caitlin.
On her worst days following the accident, she used to wish she’d wake up with amnesia, figuring she’d gladly forget every single thing about the first eighteen years of her life if it also meant she didn’t have any recollection of what happened the night of Nicole’s death.
So she understood how guilt—as well as the trauma of the accident—had made Craig feel the way he’d felt, even if those emotions were extreme.
But she was surprised he was being so open with her, and she held her breath, silently waiting for him to continue.
“For obvious reasons, I couldn’t talk to anyone about what I was going through,” he said.
“So I started drinking to numb my emotions. It wasn’t that much at first, just whatever I could steal from my parents’ liquor cabinet.
But it got worse and worse until I was binge-drinking three or four nights a week.
There were other contributing factors, but essentially it became a lifestyle for about six years until I’d totaled my car, destroyed my relationships, and drained my bank account.
Finally, I went to a recovery center and I got sober. ”
“Good for you,” Caitlin murmured. Even though she was aware that people in recovery programs often shared personal stories about their addiction struggles, once again she was struck by how vulnerable Craig was being, since they barely knew each other.
It was almost as if they shared an affinity, an unspoken trust, because of their history with Nicole.
“In the process, my sponsor helped me work through my issues, and I thought I’d made peace with what happened that summer.
For fourteen years, I was happy, healthy, successful, never drank a drop.
For fourteen years, I left the past in the past. Even when someone mentioned you were back on the island and people started rehashing the drowning again, I held it together. ”
I wonder if Claire was the one who fanned those flames , thought Caitlin.
“But when you came to the station and showed me the map?—"
She interrupted, “What map?”
He tapped the faded sketch on the placemat she was holding. “This is a map of where I used to live. I never gave Nicole my address, but she must have tracked it down.” He snickered. “The little stalker.”
“Ohh. So this cube with the X on it is supposed to be your house?”
“Yep, and all these straight lines above it are streets. The squiggly lines below it are waves.” Craig stretched his arm in front of her, pointing to the south. “See those dunes on the other side of the inlet?”
Caitlin squinted. “Just barely.”
“That’s Bayview Circle, where I grew up in Benjamin’s Manor.”
“I can’t see any houses from here.”
“There were only three of them on our street, and they were all condemned and demolished after they were damaged by Storm Brody in 2018. Ever since then, the land’s been too fragile for anyone to rebuild in that area,” he said.
“Now that you mention it, I kind of remember passing those houses when I went to the harbor in my uncle’s boat.” She empathized, “That’s very sad your childhood home was destroyed,”
He grimaced. “What’s even sadder is Nicole drowned trying to get to it.”
Caitlin gasped. “Wh-wh-what makes you think that’s what she was doing?”
“I don’t just think it anymore—I know it now.
The date on the placemat proves it.” He swallowed twice before explaining, “My parents were supposed to be out of town on August 29, so I’d secretly planned to throw a little party at our house while they were gone.
I never invited Nicole, of course, but one of the other lifeguards must have told her about it.
I figure that’s why she sketched the map and jotted down the date—or who knows, maybe whoever told her about the party wrote the info on the placemat for her.
Anyway, it turned out my parents had to cancel their travel plans because of the tropical storm, so I had to cancel the party, too.
But apparently, no one told Nicole it had been called off.
She must have tried to take a shortcut down the beach…
and, well, it all adds up. She died on her way to my house.
” When Craig blinked, moisture dripped from his eye and rolled down his cheek.
Caitlin realized with a start that maybe some small part of her thought if she could prove that Nicole had always intended to leave the party—that it wasn’t her fault for sneaking off with Donald—then she’d finally feel exonerated.
But that was a selfish way to think; Nicole was still gone, and nothing would bring her back.
And Caitlin was still filled with self-recrimination.
If I had stayed at the party and kept an eye on Nicole, she wouldn’t have been able to slip away to Craig’s house.
In addition to guilt, Caitlin felt shame and regret about how her search for answers had affected him. “I’m so, so sorry I stirred up the past,” she said.
He held up a hand to silence her. “No apology necessary. On some level, I think I always suspected she was on her way to see me that night. I mean, she died awfully close to where I lived, and it was kind of unbelievable she didn’t realize she’d passed the dunes,” he reasoned.
“But like I said, after I saw that map with the date written beneath it, I knew for sure, and I couldn’t seem to stop agonizing over it again.
Couldn’t stop wondering if I had handled things differently—like if I’d given her the attention she craved, instead of telling her off and ignoring her—would Nicole still have tried to come to my house? Would she still be alive today?”
“It wasn’t your fault she died,” rasped Caitlin, trying not to cry. “You can’t blame yourself for her choices. Her actions.”
“Are you talking to yourself or to me?”
“What?”
He turned sideways to look directly at her.
“I don’t know the particulars of your story or your relationship with Nicole, but I do know guilt when I see it, and it was written all over your face the day you visited the station…
which is one of the reasons I decided to come clean with you.
I figured if I told you the truth, maybe I could prevent you from being triggered to pick a bar fight, too.
” His eyes darted to her bandage. “Looks like I might have been too late though.”
Caitlin absently lifted her hand to touch her cheek. “I didn’t get this injury in a bar fight, but I suppose in a way, it is a result of what happened that summer with Nicole…”
After a quiet pause, Craig prompted, “Do you want to talk about it? Any of it, I mean, not just how you hurt your face?”
Caitlin’s head throbbed when she shook it. “No, thanks. I think I need time to process all the things you just told me.”
“Makes sense, but if you change your mind, I’m a good listener and my gut tells me I’d probably understand how you feel better than a lot of people would,” he suggested, and judging from what he’d shared about himself, Caitlin figured he was right. “You’ve got my number, so you can call any time.”
“I appreciate it. And thank you for being so honest with me.”
“Like I said, I wanted to spare you more grief if I could. But it was also a matter of self-preservation,” he admitted.
“My sponsor helped me see that unless I made amends for lying to you, and unless I acknowledged how broken up I was when I realized Nicole was trying to track me down and dealt with those feelings, I’d be on the path to self-destruction again. ”
“Well, it was still very brave. And rest assured our discussion will stay between the two of us. I won’t tell a soul.”
“That’s too bad,” he said, and she thought he was joking. But then he placed his hand on her shoulder and gently added, “Because confiding in someone trustworthy about this stuff might help you a lot, Caitlin.”
Her eyes filled with tears, but she gave him a weak smile and nodded. Then she extended the photos and the placemat. “I think these belong to you.”
He shook his head. “They belong to the past. I don’t want them.” But to her relief, he took them from her hand anyway. “I’ll destroy them before they do any more damage to us , okay?”
After Craig left, Caitlin stayed on the staircase, contemplating their conversation. It was so easy to recognize he was bearing the burden of false guilt, but until she’d spoken to him, she hadn’t fully realized the same had been true for her.
Looking at him was like seeing my reflection in a mirror , she thought.
Not just his wounded face, and his hurt, angry, and ashamed expression, but the way he felt responsible for Nicole drowning.
It wasn’t his fault, and it wasn’t mine.
And even if Nicole shouldn’t have been on her way to see him, I can’t blame her, either.
She never intended to fall in the current.
It was an accident, a foolish, tragic teenage accident…
For the past twenty years, Caitlin had trained herself not to think or talk about what had happened that summer.
She was convinced that putting it out of her mind was the only way she could cope.
But now she saw that the deeper she’d pushed down her grief and guilt, the more they’d become a part of her, shaping her perspective.