Chapter Fifteen
First thing the next morning, Riley cornered Annette in her office.
Glancing up from her laptop screen, Annette offered a glowing smile. “Good morning.”
Riley shut the door and leaned back against it. “I am only going to say this once.”
“I’m listening.”
“You’re wrong. I am not in love with Josh.”
“Ah,” Annette replied.
Riley waited for the rest of it, but apparently there was no more. “That’s all?”
“You want more?” Annette asked sweetly. “All right. I’ll give you more. Sweetheart, you’re the one who’s wrong.”
“What? No! I am not wrong.”
Annette peered more closely at her laptop, tapped a key and then replied, “Are so.”
“Don’t be juvenile,” Riley huffed. “And, as I’ve already informed you, I don’t want to talk about this.”
“Of course you don’t.”
“What is that supposed to mean—and you know what? Never mind. Let’s not argue.”
“All right, sweetheart.” Annette poked another key. “Let’s not.”
Riley said, “Let’s just…get on with our workday and put all this squabbling behind us.”
There was that glowing smile again. “Agreed.”
Riley longed to make one more valid point in this argument she’d started that she feared she was losing. Unfortunately, she couldn’t think what that point might be. Turning, she pulled open the door. “I’ll be back to touch base as usual before the morning meeting.”
“Excellent. I will see you then.”
* * *
After that infuriating encounter, Riley took care not to mention Josh to Annette.
Annette returned the favor. Riley tried to forget the things Annette had said to her on Tuesday night—or rather, the one scary, unacceptable thing Annette had said: that it was too late to get over Josh.
That Riley was already in love with Josh.
Macy thought so, too. It was infuriating. Why couldn’t the people she loved keep their noses out of her private business?
And as for being in love with Josh already…
Was she? Really?
The more she tried not to think about it, the more she couldn’t stop thinking about it—about him. She couldn’t stop longing for him, couldn’t stop feeling that her heart was breaking at the loss of him.
Because Annette was right, damn it. And so was Macy. Riley was in love with Josh.
And there. She’d admitted it to herself. Now, what in the world was she supposed to do with that knowledge?
She called Macy first thing Friday morning. “Come have lunch with me,” she said. “My house, noon.”
“I’ll be there,” Macy promised.
Riley went straight to Annette’s office. “I’m taking three hours for lunch today, eleven to two—as long as that works for you?”
“That is a wonderful idea,” replied Annette. “We’re in good shape here. Enjoy.”
“I will—and, Annette…”
“Hmm?”
“I’m sorry I was such a jerk about…well, you know. The Josh thing.”
Annette emerged from behind her desk with arms outstretched. Riley went into them. “I love you,” Annette whispered.
“I love you, too.”
Annette stepped back with a smile. “And there is nothing for you to be sorry about. I have my opinions and I have no compunction about sharing them. But I do realize that you will make your own decisions.”
* * *
It was a beautiful day, the sky pale blue with a few wispy cirrus clouds drifting above the gray humps of the mountains. Riley set up a folding table on the back porch and served ham and mozzarella panini.
“You have that look,” Macy said after five minutes or so of idle chatter as they munched their sandwiches and sipped iced tea.
“Which one is that?”
“Stressed. Confused. Torn up. Unhappy…”
Riley closed her eyes, sucked in a slow breath and confessed, “Yeah, well. You’re right. On all counts. And as it turns out, Annette is in total agreement with you. She said what you said.”
“Which is…?”
“That it’s too late for me to walk away from Josh because I’m already in love with him.”
Macy reached across their little table to cover Riley’s hand with hers. “What can I do? How can I help?”
“Am I a jinx?”
“What?” Macy pushed back her chair. “No!” She pulled Riley up, too. “Come here with me…” She took the few steps to the porch swing and sat, pulling Riley down next to her. Then she caught Riley’s other hand, too. “Look at me.”
Riley faced her friend who was looking a bit blurry now. She sniffled. “I am not going to cry…”
“It’s okay,” Macy whispered. “Cry. Don’t cry. It’s all good.”
“Oh, Mace. It doesn’t feel good. It’s…frightening. And painful. I worry—I mean, I try not to. But sometimes, I think of my mom. And then my dad. And then TJ, too. And then I think, what about Dillon? What about this little girl inside of me? Am I jinxing them, too?”
“Stop. You know that’s not true. You are no jinx. There is no such thing as a jinx, not in reality. The concept of a jinx is a superstition.”
“Well, I know that. But still. Macy, they all died, and they were too young to die.”
“Yes. You lost three people you loved very much. That is a tragedy. But that they died is in no way your fault. It’s a false correlation to think that you’re to blame just because you loved them.
Remember, they loved you, too. You made their lives better.
Because you are a good person—the best. And you will do anything for the people you love. ”
“But what if they’re better off if I’m not around?”
“Stop. Can’t you see? It’s a rabbit hole, Rile.
Don’t go down it. Be courageous. Loving is a good thing.
Keep doing it, no matter how much it scares you.
Don’t ever convince yourself that loving Dillon or your new baby or Josh is somehow dangerous to them.
It isn’t. It’s good for them. And it’s good for you, too. ”
For a little while, they were quiet, rocking back and forth together on the swing.
Then Riley said, “It’s so scary. Loving someone…”
Macy nodded. “Yeah. But it’s worth it. You know that it is.”
* * *
Josh called on Monday just as he’d said he would. He asked how she was doing and if there was anything she needed from him.
You, she thought. I need you, Josh. And I love you. I do…
She didn’t say it, though. Because he sounded so…far away. So kind and careful. Was it too late? Had she scared him off by pushing him away? If she had, well, how could she blame him for being distant and cautious with her?
Be brave, she reminded herself. Just open your mouth and say the words. Say, “I love you, Josh Bravo. Please give me one more chance to show you how much…”
But she wasn’t brave. She was a total chicken, and the moment never felt right.
Too soon, they were saying goodbye.
She hung up and then almost called him right back—but almost didn’t count. And the truth was, she couldn’t make herself hit that call button, not right then.
Instead, she spent until long after midnight that night wide-awake practicing what she would say to him when she finally worked up the nerve to tell him that she loved him with all of her heart—such as it was, all broken and battered.
At some point after two in the morning, she finally dropped off.
And that meant that on Tuesday, she woke up tired and cranky.
All day, she kept reminding herself not to take her exhaustion and fear of loving a certain man out on other people.
She put on a smile and tried hard to adjust her attitude.
It was the first day of July. At the hotel, Annette had hired some burly guys from Sheridan to hang patriotic bunting on the facade and in the lobby.
Macy’s mom—Betty of Betty’s Blooms—had gone all out on the Fourth of July floral arrangements.
The giant antique vases in the lobby overflowed with red, white and blue flowers.
Everyone was talking about the upcoming celebration on Friday right there in town in Patriot Park. It was an annual event, with booths and barbecue, music by local bands and fireworks after dark.
It was also the last place Riley felt like going three days later when the Fourth actually came around. She was just really down.
She’d yet to work up the nerve to get a hold of Josh and declare her love and intention to be his forevermore—if, after everything, he still wanted her to be.
She wasn’t sleeping well, and she had to exert constant effort not to be grouchy with everyone—including her innocent child, who knew all about the Fourth of July celebration because they had talked about the holiday and its meaning at daycare.
“Everyone is invited, Mom,” he announced at the breakfast table that morning.
“We have to go. We have to celebrate our country. It’s going to be great, and there will be fireworks when it gets dark.
Shane can’t wait, and I can’t, either! We need to be there early.
They have all kinds of games for kids. There will be races and water balloon baseball… ”
She didn’t want to go. But she could not look in her little boy’s shining eyes and tell him no, they were staying home—because his mom was a big chicken and totally afraid to face the man she loved.
She just wanted to stay home and obsess over whether or not she still had a chance with Josh after having made it so painfully clear that the two of them were through.
But she didn’t stay home. At noon they climbed in the car and headed for Patriot Park.
They could have walked it. But Dillon would probably want to stick around for the fireworks and that show could run till after ten.
Dillon might be asleep by then. She could walk back easy but maybe not while twenty-five weeks pregnant and carrying her five-year-old son.
When they left the car and entered the park, it seemed like everyone in town was there.
The air smelled of slow-smoked barbecue, and most of the local businesses had sponsored booths.
Some served food. Others offered carnival-type games.
Party lights were strung in the branches of the birches and sycamore trees.
Annette was there with Miles. They’d already claimed a picnic table in the shade of a bur oak. She waved them over and grabbed Dillon in a hug.