Chapter 21 Eliza
Eliza
I awoke to an odd feeling in the late hours of the night while lying next to Jasper.
The pale cast of moonlight lay in streams across the room, illuminating his still, handsome face as he slept next to me.
Something moved just at the edge of my vision, and my head snapped to see Hester looming at the foot of the bed.
Startled, I slapped my palm over my mouth to stifle my loud gasp as I moved to sit up without waking Jasper.
Hester’s round, glistening eyes were filled with something different as they gazed upon her sleeping son.
Fuck. Was she going to be mad? Would she feel betrayed? How could she not? She had trusted me to help her, and I had just slept with her possible murderer. My body hummed, suddenly filled with nervous energy.
“I—”
She cut off my whisper and pressed her pointer finger against her gray, see-through lips, instructing me to be quiet while keeping her eyes on the sleeping man lying next to me.
I sat frozen.
Eventually, her dark, glittering eyes left her son and moved to me before she did the most puzzling thing I’d seen from her yet.
Hester’s mouth curved upward a little—she was smiling. I noticed that her coloring brightened the slightest bit, making her not quite as translucent.
Jasper rustled next to me but remained asleep.
When I turned back to Hester, she was gone.
What had just happened? The blood in my veins thrummed. Had she watched us? Oh god, hopefully not. Was she—was she happy that Jasper and I had slept together? Was I missing something? She had looked pleased.
I glanced at the dresser. The locket was still there, and upon seeing it, an odd thought popped into my mind—when the dove had flown from the necklace in the kitchen, it had brought Jasper and me closer.
I thought about the spider that led me to the chest of letters, proving he was telling me the truth, then the rose that had made my lip swollen and how much extra attention Jasper had given me that day—even the time she’d thrown the chair and I’d screamed, Jasper had rushed into the room and held me protectively.
Was…was Hester…trying to set me up with her son?
No. There was no way.
She was helping me figure out who had murdered her, not playing wingman for her son, suspect number one.
Still, I couldn’t ignore the coincidences and the way she had looked at me tonight. Almost in appreciation. It was the only time I’d seen her look somewhat peaceful.
I turned my attention to Jasper, but my heart wouldn’t stop racing.
At first, I reveled in the satiated relaxation that my body felt as I watched him sleep.
Even though everything had felt amazing, it was also foreign and unusual.
I shouldn’t have slept with him even though it had been wholly unavoidable.
The chemistry between us had grown so tense that I found myself sweating every time he was near.
I had wanted—needed—to feel what it was like when Jasper kissed me.
Once he had, I knew I was lost, that I wouldn’t be content again until I felt everything that he could give me.
He had ruined me, but I think it had happened long before last night.
As I lay beside him, still as a stone in fear of waking him, the side of my thigh rested against his, and it was like it had gone home, found the other half of its magnet.
But as with all good things that happen to me, my overanxious mind refused to let me enjoy them.
Maybe it was the comedown of the adrenaline leaving my body or the fact that in the matter of one night, it had become much harder to play make-believe and continue to pretend this was my life.
It wasn’t my life. None of this was real.
Even if the ghost of his dead mother wanted it, it was still too much.
The conversation with my mother replayed over and over in my head.
Little segments of past moments leaked in, breaking apart any remaining illusions.
As always, I analyzed them, figuring out what words or inflections I’d used that upset her and how I could have avoided making her say the harsh words that she’d fired off like careless missiles.
Deep down, I knew it didn’t matter what I did or said; nothing would change how she treated me; even my father, who generally found it easier just to avoid me, got his share of harsh words from my mother. I didn’t want that. I didn’t ever want to be in a relationship like that.
I watched the smooth, tanned skin of Jasper’s chest rise and fall steadily before looking at the balcony.
Looking at where I’d come completely undone—given over every part of me to him—made me aware of the pleasant soreness I felt.
My eyes focused on the still-dark sky. Could I walk out there right now if I wanted to?
Or had it only been last night because of Jasper?
I could. I wouldn’t have said the same for the unfenced edge of the cliff behind the conservatory, but as for the balcony…I could—I almost wanted to now, just see if I could by myself. All alone.
I couldn’t remember a time that I wasn’t deathly afraid of heights; even ladders had always been too much for me, but last night…
I had reveled in the feeling of being as high as the birds in the sky.
Knowing I could have tipped over the edge at any second and was only held up by a man who had been accused of throwing someone over it was…
surprisingly freeing. The view was more amazing than anything I could have imagined.
It sparked this near-obsessive urge inside of me to preserve it, to paint it or photograph it as an homage to its glory.
When Jasper had me on the railing, I felt like I could take over the world—I felt unstoppable.
Even after we had laid in bed, my exhausted thoughts filled with excitement at the stupid idea of painting that exact view while I was here.
High above the rest of the world in Blackwood Manor, it was easy to forget that this wasn’t really my life, no matter how badly I wished that it were.
I had to leave at some point and return to my other life. The world where I wasn’t daring, spoke her mind, and shared her feelings Eliza, I was just…Eliza. Capable of making herself small and adjusting Eliza. Even if I didn’t want to be that person anymore, that’s just how it had to be.
I was twenty-five years old, far from a child, and yet most children didn’t have the restrictions that I did.
I knew what I should have done: leave. I’d thought about it a million times, but it wasn’t that simple.
I was terrified. What if I couldn’t make it on my own?
I wasn’t as resilient as my sister. I didn’t have the funds to up and leave, and everything I had was linked to my mother.
I paid for it all, but my cell phone, car, insurance, and everything else of mine was in her name.
Always under the ruse of her being helpful, but in the end, they were all just tools for her to control me.
She had shut my phone off and reported my car, which I had paid for, as stolen before when I hadn’t done something she wanted.
I made fifty thousand a year at the botanical gardens, and what little I had left after living essentials went to paying off my student loans.
I didn’t have enough to buy a new car and phone and run away to another state or country.
It was just another way my mother had trapped me without me realizing it.
I felt so stupid. I was to blame for being trapped like this.
I was weak and stupid and gullible, and that was why it had happened to me. I couldn’t keep letting it happen.
Facing my fears last night—not just the balcony but being intimate with someone and letting them in—made me realize that even when I went back to my real world, I wanted a change. I couldn’t go back to being controlled. I wanted to be free and to make my own decisions. I just had to figure out how.
I didn’t know what it would look like or how to do it, but I was going to be my own person.
Facing my fears and seeing the view from the balcony had proven that things could change.
I would never again give a single person the power to control me.
Ever. Not my mother, not Jasper, not anybody.
I wouldn’t go from one leash to another, not now.
I couldn’t—I wouldn’t let myself. It didn’t matter how pretty the leash was, it was still a leash.
When he held me over the ledge and slid himself into me, I had fully given every part of myself up and trusted him with my life. It felt dangerous and exciting. Already, I’d begun to want things from him that I shouldn’t—that I couldn’t.
My heart sank at the realization.
I had to leave in a few weeks. Was I so willing to give someone else all the control I was fighting tooth and nail to get myself? Did I actually want a relationship? I didn’t know.
Of course, I didn’t think Jasper would intentionally try to control or manipulate me; I knew he was a better person than that…
or at least I believed so. But I also knew that somewhere along the line, my mother had found it a delectable treat destroying me, and once she got a taste, her appetite for hurting and controlling me had only increased with time.
The same thing would happen if I let another person in…
and already, I found myself trying to give everything up to Jasper so he could devour me in every way.
I couldn’t.
I wouldn’t.
My mouth was sour with the realization of what was happening.
Here, I had been frustrated with Jasper and his fight against lowering his walls and letting me in when, in truth, I was the one who couldn’t let anyone in.
I moved to the edge of the bed and watched the sleeping man with wide eyes. I was nearly in a panic.
I was getting too close to Jasper, giving him the tools he could use to control and hurt me.