Chapter 33
Sunday, June 4, 2017
Blinking, staring anxiously at the ceiling, I suddenly registered Dominic squeezing my hand.
“Lilith?” My name rolled off his tongue just above a whisper.
My incessant cycle of thoughts faded away like a plume of smoke. I rolled my head to find Dominic staring, like he wasn’t sure if he should be concerned. I inhaled, looking back at the ceiling as I slowly released my breath.
“I must’ve zoned out.”
His diminutive chuckle scratched at my nerves. “Daydreaming, are we?”
I fucking wished.
My mind refused to pump the brakes on my intrusive thoughts. Were we truly ready if Vincenzo came today? What was Dominic going to do? I wasn’t ready. What if Dominic passed out during delivery? No, Lilith, that’s absurd. He has gutted men and eaten their flesh; surely, he could handle childbirth. But what if I needed him and he wasn’t there? Was our other mole in the family planning something against me? My son? Oh, God, I was already turning into a horrible soon-to-be wife. Get a grip. But was I overreacting? Did we really have contracts on our heads? Were we strong enough to take on the Aleskeis? Did we have to? What if Dominic missed his son's birth because of all of this?
Julie removed her latex gloves with a snap.
“You haven’t begun to dilate, but your cervix is beginning to soften.” She then helped me move my feet out of the stirrups, leaving the sheet across my lower half.
“That’s good, right?” Dominic asked, apprehensive.
“Yes,” Julie assured. She slid on a new pair of gloves to begin my sonogram. She squeezed the cold gel on my belly. “I also noticed your son’s head has dropped some more since your last visit.”
That only added to my web of thoughts.
“What?” Dominic asked.
Julie moved the wand to different spots on my belly.
“Your son’s head has descended into Lilith’s pelvis.”
“Is he okay?” I wondered aloud, unblinking at the ceiling, my focal point for this appointment.
The silence that followed was fleeting, unintentionally loud in its own right.
“He looks great,” Julie told us in her comforting way.
Overcome with emotion, I swallowed away the feeling in my throat and parted my lips, my gasp soft and silent as tears burned my eyes. I blinked, a teardrop sneaking out.
Dominic squeezed my hand tighter, letting me know without words that he was right here with me on this journey.
Julie finished using the wand. “These next couple of weeks will probably feel like an eternity, but you’re almost there. I promise.”
I squeezed Dominic’s hand as I messily wiped tears off my temples. “Are you sure?” I asked her nervously.
“You have my word.”
Nobody’s word could be trusted lately. It was at that moment that I related to Dominic on another level. The way he explained trust just weeks ago—I got it now.
“Can I hear him?” I asked, breaking the silence.
Julie smiled. “I was just about to get to that.”
As Julie moved the wand around, she flipped a switch on the machine and played Vincenzo’s heartbeat.
“His heart still sounds good and strong.” A few more beats passed. “Feeling anything strange lately? Don’t worry—this is just routine.”
“No,” I said with a shake of my head.
“Any bleeding?”
“No.”
“Concerning pain or just anything you have a question about?”
“Just those Braxton contractions and pressure.” I drew in a deep breath before slowly releasing it. “I just want this to be over.”
Julie took off her gloves as Dominic helped me into a sitting position. I leaned into my arms for support.
“Well, as always, if you experience any of what I asked or if you notice anything unusual, don’t hesitate to call me. No matter what. Because the way I look at it, better safe than sorry.” She smiled.
Choosing Ms. Barton as my doctor was the right decision. Her smile alone made everything easier to bear. Just like Dominic’s arms did whenever I was in them.
She entered something into the ultrasound machine. “If neither of you has any questions, then I’ll go ahead and grab your photos.”
“What happens if Vincenzo doesn’t get here on time?”
Julie angled away from the machine. “As we’ve previously discussed, we would try to induce you if you went too far past your due date. A c-section is a last resort.”
After reading about the induction process and some of the stories from mothers in my research, having that done scared me. Would labor and delivery go as normal considering Vincenzo was a hybrid? I had to figure out a way to jump start labor naturally.
Looking down at myself, I let out a defeated breath. “Okay.” I was frustrated that the control I wanted for my birth might be taken from me. I was tired of that lack of control.
“A minute?” Dominic asked of Julie, although she didn’t have a choice.
“Sure,” she said, her footsteps fading until she closed the door.
Dominic placed his hand on my shoulder. “Talk.”
He wasn’t upset or annoyed. He wanted to listen. To solve my problems. Erase my worries, fears, and anxieties.
Helping me up the rest of the way to where I sat along the side of the hospital bed, I lifted my head, finding Dominic’s eyes. Tears pricked the backs of my eyes. Opening my mouth to speak, I looked at his hands, taking one of them in both of mine. He inched closer, adjusting my tank top back over my belly.
I stared down at our joined hands, trying to figure out how to word my concerns and what I was feeling. “I’m just so sick of it all, Dominic.” My voice was hushed, emotional exhaustion thickening my words. “I’m sick of being scared. Everything hurts, and I can’t sleep anymore.” A tear fell when Dominic swept strands of hair behind my ear. “I’m scared?—”
Julie opened the door, but she ended up placing the ultrasound pictures in their usual envelope on the nearest safe enough spot and gingerly hurried back out of the room. Bless her.
Dominic slipped his fingers under my chin, our eyes meeting once more. “Go on, amore .”
I smiled weakly, but it left as fast as I found the energy.
“I’m scared of the Russians, too.”
He cupped my cheek, leaning down close enough to feel his breath. “I told you we have everything under control.” Our faces brushed against another.
“What if they want to hurt our son?”
Dominic murmured, “Then, they’ll regret the day they swam from their fathers’ sacks.”
I nuzzled my nose against him, savoring his scent and closing my eyes.
“Now,” he went on, “let’s get you into a warm bubble bath.”
“I love you.”
“And I you, regina mia .”
He slid his arms beneath me before lifting me against his chest, cradling me like I was something precious.
* * *
Regardless of my anxiety about the impending birth, Vincenzo’s bedroom brought me peace. Calm. Whenever I walked around in here, admiring the decor all over again each time, it temporarily locked away the somberness of needing my mother and Nadia. There were moments I silently shed a tear. Lying in bed at night. In the bathroom. Becoming a mother was a major plot twist in my life that I needed my mother and mother figures for. Without them, I was lost and unprepared.
Sure, I had Bianca to lean on, but her words of encouragement and advice weren’t doing it. There was a hole in my heart that she never could fill.
I envisioned my mom and Nadia freaking out together about being grandmothers. I imagined Nadia gushing about how proud she was, especially of her son. It made me laugh and then immediately stabbed me in the heart and twisted on its way out.
I fought off tears before they gained momentum, finding myself at my baby boy’s wooden crib.
Its simple coat of white contrasted perfectly with the pale blue walls and dark blue molding.
Was I ready for the sleepless nights? Was Dominic? Staring into the crib made things so much more real. Soon, he would be looking up at me from inside it, no longer kicking and moving inside me. I swept the maroon chiffon fabric of my open split maternity gown off my belly and felt around my lower abdomen, sweeping my hand up along the middle.
“I’m tired of carrying you, little big dude,” I said with a smile. “I can’t wait to hold you.”
On the wall his crib stood against, a rustic, gold king crown was mounted above, fine mesh secured up inside that draped over the top of the crib. A capital V in a decorative font was placed just below the crown.
Vincenzo was indeed in line to be king of his father’s empire. We wanted him to live a life without worry, fear, and having to constantly peer over his shoulder for threats, but we knew that was impossible. We at least had confidence security would keep him safe in our absence. I just wished he could live freely. We all did.
“So… You gonna tell me why you look like you’re fixing to cry into that quilt?”
I’d been so lost in my thoughts, I hadn’t even noticed Dino standing in the doorway, leaning against its frame with his arms crossed.
Briefly closing my eyes, I swallowed away another round of tears, his expression in itself telling me not to bother trying to lie. He’d see through it.
“Will we ever be free?”
Dino waited a beat before he asked, “What?”
I opened my eyes and skimmed my fingers over Vincenzo’s baby quilt his grandmother made, the blue hues soft against my fingertips. Her time, energy, and love that went into quilting this brought me to tears the day she showed it off.
“Free to live. Free from fear.” I touched the top corner of the chair.
“You can’t spend your entire life living in fear, Lil.”
Tucking my hands along my lower back, I walked away from the crib and headed for my rocking chair off in the corner. It was my idea to save a space above it for a framed collage that I wanted to fill with Vincenzo’s first photograph, his footprints, and either pictures of me and Dominic, or maybe also a pregnancy photograph.
“Bullshit. We’ll always look over our shoulders for the rest of our lives.” I placed my palm on my belly. “How is that fair? My son deserves a life where he can live and play in peace.” Choking up, I shook my head at my lousy attempt at shaking off this recurring guilt. Looking down at my belly, I drew in a shaky breath. “I know Vincenzo will never have a normal life, so why can’t I shake this?”
“Because mothers always fucking worry.”
My humorous smile broke through. Positive that I curtailed any and all urges to cry, I turned around and looked at Dino, both my hands again supporting my lower back.
“I’m scared that any one of you won’t come back when you leave on your trips.”
“This is about the Russians, ain’t it? Dom told me about the chokehold they’ve got on you.”
Refusing to let myself get lost in that sea of emotions, I looked away from Dino, focusing on my feet.
“As far as those fuckin’ contracts go, don’t stress; we got those. Second, yeah, Vin won’t have a normal life the way you see it, but he’ll still have as good a life as we can give him. You know Dom will do anything in the fucking world to make that happen, and so will we. So, stop torturing yourself with false scenarios and conjectures, will ya’?”
Smiling discreetly as I began lowering myself into the chair, I said, “Easier said than done.”
“Just try, alright?”
Chuckling slightly, I looked at Dino as I got comfortable. “Okay.”
“So… You ready for this?” Dino asked, eyes wandering the room.
No, I wasn’t. Not without them. I stared down at myself, grappling with letting him into all of that.
“Lil?”
I lovingly touched my belly. Dino entered Vincenzo’s room amid the loud silence. I stood tall in my fight not to cry as he held onto the arms of the chair and brought himself eye level with me. I wanted to reach out and hug him, but if I did that, that dam would break.
“I don’t know if Dom ever told you, but you can’t lie to save your fucking life.”
Staring up into Dino’s eyes, what he said was funny to me, but that humor wasn’t there. Only concern.
Sighing, I said, “I just miss my mom.” I looked down again, focusing this time on Dino’s hand, speaking softly. “I miss a lot of people.”
Dino put a hand behind my head and inched close enough to kiss near the crown of my head.
“All of us would play God if we could, Lil. Your folks might not be here, but we are. Yeah, we ain’t them, but we’ll try to be, or somethin’.”
To say I was thankful for my brothers was an understatement. I was blessed.