Chapter 15 #2
When her mother stepped back inside, Kildare said, “I’m intruding. I’ll take my leave.” He bent and kissed Tamsin’s fingers in a gallant way that she would have laughed at if it didn’t make her hand tingle. “Goodbye,” he said.
“Goodbye.” Her eyes stung with tears for some reason.
Stupid to still have feelings for him when he so clearly thought her beneath him.
He wanted an heiress. Let him go marry an heiress.
She turned her back on him and opened the shop’s rear door, stepping inside.
Charlie and Joanna were dressed and ready in the old clothes their mother had saved.
Both of them had grown since then, but not as much as they should have.
Tamsin realized they might need to buy fabric and sew new clothes before they could start talking about lodgings.
“Are we ready then?” Big John asked, opening the door from the shop. He was wearing a coat and a hat, and he looked quite handsome, Tamsin thought. She glanced at her mother and saw the way her eyes lit up at the sight of him.
“Well, don’t you look a sight.”
Big John blushed, and Tamsin wouldn’t have believed it if she hadn’t seen it with her own eyes. “I wouldn’t want to embarrass ye, Mary. ’Ad to make an effort.”
“Ha! Embarrass me! An old woman with only one arm? Not likely.”
“Yer not old, not at all. And someone as talented as ye only needs one arm. Right, little ones?”
“Right!” Charlie and Joanna chimed in. Big John offered an elbow, and Mama made a show of resting her hand on it.
Then Big John held out his other hand and took Joanna’s hand, and Charlie grabbed on to his sister.
Tamsin could have taken Charlie’s other hand, but something held her back. She needed just a moment to herself.
“I’ll catch up with you,” she said.
“What?” Mama stared at her. “This was your idea. You must come.”
“I will. I just need to do something first.”
“Don’t be long,” Mama scolded.
“I won’t. I know the way to Cheapside with my eyes closed.”
“Lock the door behind us then, will you?” Big John asked. Tamsin followed them through the dark shop and locked the door when they’d all gone through. Their happy voices lingered even as they moved down the lane.
Tamsin returned to the back room and sat on a chair at the table. A tear ran down her cheek, and she pulled Kildare’s handkerchief from her bodice to dab at it. She took the opportunity to inhale his scent one last time. The smell of him was fading from the linen, which was as it should be.
She should be happy. She had everything she wanted.
Charlie and Joanna were safely returned.
Her mother and she had escaped Brown and his awful family.
She had an amazing opportunity with Mr. Maillardet.
Their future was more secure than it had ever been, and it was all her own doing.
She’d been the one to repair the caterpillar and earn Maillardet’s respect.
She’d been the one to find Snoozer. She’d been the one to steal the watch and the scalpel and stick them in the sweep’s pocket when he’d grabbed her.
Yes, Kildare had come when she needed him, but she probably would have succeeded without him.
She didn’t owe him anything. They’d said their goodbyes.
And yet…
Seeing him this morning reminded her how strong her attraction to him was.
She wanted him not just because he had that beautiful face, that thick auburn hair, and those lovely velvet-brown eyes.
She wanted him because he’d done everything he could and more for a group of children Society didn’t care about.
She heard about a dead climbing boy at least once a month.
No one cared. One less child running around London and making a nuisance of himself.
But Kildare had cared. He’d had his own solicitor find the children’s families and paid for them to stay at the orphanage himself.
Did she owe him some repayment for that?
He’d never accept it. He did these things because he was a good man.
She’d always known it—from that night outside the theater when he’d bought her trampled violets, she’d known he was different.
A soft tap sounded on the door again, but Tamsin ignored it. Now she was just imagining things, wishing he would come back when she knew today had been the last time she’d ever see him. She heard the tap again, and it was rather insistent for her imagination.
Wiping her nose, she looked up and blinked. Kildare was peering through the window beside the door. She stared at him, not believing her eyes. Then he lifted the latch and opened the door. She sniffed, not sure what to say and wishing she didn’t have a red nose and watery eyes at that moment.
“I’m sorry to intrude,” he said. “I saw your family walk away, and you weren’t with them.”
“I told them I would catch up.” She cleared her throat. “I needed a moment.”
“To cry?”
“I wasn’t crying.” She didn’t know why she lied. Anyone could see that she’d been crying.
“I’ve never really seen you cry. I didn’t think Tamsin Archer could cry.”
“Why? Because I don’t have feelings?”
“No, because you don’t trust anyone enough to let them see you like this.” He moved inside the room and knelt before her. “Why are you crying?”
“It’s not over you.” Of course, now that she denied it, he knew she cried precisely because of him. She’d issued the denial before he’d even asked, making it clear he was the reason for her tears.
“I’d never presume.” He tried to take her hand, but she pulled it and the handkerchief she held away. “And I am sure the fact that you still have my handkerchief is purely by coincidence.”
She crumpled it up. “I haven’t been holding on to it!”
“No, you would never cherish an item like that.” His gaze strayed to his coat, still lying on the floor where she’d slept.
Tamsin gave up trying to deny her feelings. “Why do you have to be such a good man?”
“I’m not that good.”
“You are, though! Even if you hadn’t helped with my brother and sister, there were those violets. I can’t forget about the blasted violets.”
He put a hand to her forehead. “Are you feeling well?”
“You really don’t remember the violets, do you? You don’t remember me.”
“You’ve mentioned violets to me before, and it made no sense then. You feel warm. Do you want to lie down?”
She grabbed his hand and held it tight. “We’ve met before, Kildare, outside the theater.”
He shook his head. “The first time we met was at the Belgrave ball.”
“That’s the first time you remember. But I’d seen you before.
I was one of the flower girls selling violets outside the theater.
I’d been knocked to the ground and my violets crushed.
I was in tears because if I didn’t sell those violets, we’d have nothing to eat that night.
Charlie and Joanna were so little then.”
Kildare put a hand on her shoulder, gripping her tightly.
“You came out of the theater and helped me to my feet. Then you gave me a shilling for the violets, even though that was far too much. You said they were your sister’s favorite.”
“They are her favorite.” His voice was hushed.
“I followed you home that night. I watched as you went into your house. Everyone was laughing and happy. You made a show of giving a girl in her nightrobe the ruined flowers.” She closed her eyes.
“I wished so hard that I was part of that family. You looked so happy, like you had not a care in the world. But more than that, I fell in love with you. I know it wasn’t really love,” she said when he opened his mouth to object.
“But no one had ever shown me kindness like that, and you were so handsome. I wanted you so much.”
His hand tightened on her shoulder.
“And then when I saw you again at the Belgrave ball, I couldn’t believe it. I shouldn’t have kissed you, but when would I ever have the chance again? Little did I know, you are very persistent.”
“I remember that night at the theater,” Kildare said quietly.
“I remember a thin girl on her knees gathering flowers. She was about to be trampled. I wasn’t trying to be good or kind.
I just moved her out of the way. I didn’t want to be harassed about buying flowers, so I took them.
I probably didn’t have anything smaller than a shilling on me.
I remember giving them to Mariah, and she handed them to the housekeeper who probably threw them away. They really were crushed, Archer.”
She nodded.
“I don’t think I ever saw your face. If I had, I wouldn’t have forgotten it.”
“That’s just it, Garret. You didn’t see me. I was something to be moved aside. The flowers that meant I could survive another day were nothing but rubbish to you. We are from two different worlds. You were always a fantasy to me.” She swallowed. “Until you weren’t. I thought—well, never mind.”
“You thought I might love you too,” he said.
She swallowed, not wanting to admit it.
“I do love you, Archer.”
She went rigid with shock, not believing her ears. She shook her head.
“I do,” he protested. “I realized it the other night. Lady Callista was suggesting we marry, and she gave me the perfect opportunity to propose, and I couldn’t do it. All I could think about was you.”
Her gaze met his, and they looked at each other for a long time. Then her lip curled up in a rueful smile. “Now is when you say damn my family and spirit me away to Gretna Green, and we’re poor but happy because we have each other.”
“Good God, Archer. I would have never guessed you had a romantic side.”
“It’s embarrassing.”
“No.” He released her shoulder and placed a hand on her cheek. “I love it. I wish I could be the man in your fantasy, but my family needs me. I know you understand that because you would do anything for your family. I will do anything for mine.”
“I don’t think I could love you if you weren’t that sort of man.”
He leaned in and kissed her cheek. “This is goodbye then. For good this time.”