Chapter 30
“Jules, if only you knew our Frank back then. She was wild.”
Frankie wanted to reach across the table and smack Sydney to shut her up but she couldn’t reach and was certain the small, local dive bar they were currently patrons in wouldn’t be too pleased with violence.
Sydney was, as Frankie expected her to be, eager to meet the woman who had Frankie so captivated and thirty minutes after asking Jules if she’d want to go out for a drink, all three of them were seated around a hightop table in a small bar a few blocks from where Frankie and Jules lived.
Frankie had spotted the bar on the way back from grabbing coffee and bagels for her and Jules one morning and though it wasn’t open at that time of day, she’d cupped her eyes and peered in through the front window, making a mental note to check it out on an evening when they had the time.
And checking it out had been the right decision because the atmosphere was lowkey and comfortable, with soft lighting and music playing just loudly enough that you could hear it while chatting comfortably with the person next to you.
There was a long bartop running along the right side of the room and a string of old arcade games along the other.
The table they occupied was near the window with a view of the quiet Halifax streetfront and the bar itself was the kind of place that made you feel welcome the moment you stepped through the door, though Frankie had quickly learned that many of the businesses she’d frequented since her move to Halifax operated in a similar manner.
That kind of authentic friendliness was just an east coast thing.
“And you helped sneak her back into the dorm because she’d left her keycard on some girl’s floor across campus?” Jules questioned, laughing as she raised a glass of cold cider to her lips.
Frankie covered her face in embarrassment as Sydney grinned and nodded far too enthusiastically for someone who had her own secrets Frankie could share if she really wanted to.
“The card fell out of my pocket!”
“Just like you fell out of your jeans when Rebecca Slater, that girl from the volleyball team, agreed to play you in a game of beer pong?” Sydney teased.
“Yeah, Coach Stevens here was a bit of a heartbreaker. She was known in our athletic circle for running out the door before the sun came up which meant rushing off without all of her belongings and had a tendency to dine and dash…if you know what I mean.”
“Sydney, oh my god.” Frankie dropped her hands and kicked Sydney beneath the table. “Stop.”
“What?” Sydney innocently chuckled and shrugged. “It’s the truth!”
“Dine and dash…” Jules pondered her words for a minute then threw a glance at Frankie next to her. “Can’t say I’ve heard that one before but…I can see it.”
Scoffing, Frankie gently nudged Jules’ shoulder and frowned. “Wow, so rude. But just so we’re clear, this was a long, long time ago. I am a changed woman.”
“I think she probably paid more money for replacement keycards that year than anyone else in our entire dorm,” Sydney said, laughing again as her eyes glazed over, clearly recalling the memories.
“Luckily we shared a ground floor dorm room and we, let’s just say…
adapted our living room window. It wasn’t meant to open all the way but for the rest of second year, ours was the only window that could open all the way. ”
“Well, just so you know,” Jules slid her hand onto Frankie’s thigh beneath the table and batted her pretty eyelashes, her cheeks flushing with the cutest shade of pink. “I would’ve never let you sneak out in the middle of the night if it were me you were hooking up with in college.”
“Oh yeah?” Frankie shifted slightly in her seat to face Jules better. Ignoring the fact that Sydney was across from them at the table, she raised an eyebrow and challenged Jules. “And how would you manage that?”
“It’s simple, really. You’d have such a good time with me that you wouldn’t want to leave.”
“That good, huh?”
An over exaggerated gagging sound pulled Frankie out of her little Jules shaped bubble and back to reality. Sydney was staring at them with a disgusted look and she pointed at the door. “Should I leave? I feel like I’m interrupting a very private moment and I feel a bit weird about it.”
“Don’t be such a prude. You’ve heard worse,” Frankie groaned and shot Jules a sideways glance with a wink.
Jules returned the wink and smiled a sweet little smile, one only meant for Frankie, and then she focused all of her attention on the other woman at their table. “What about you Sydney, are you dating anyone in Sweden?”
“Me? Dating?” Sydney waved the question off and casually leaned back in her seat, pasting on a smile that felt too forced, a little performative even. “Pfft, yeah right. My one and only true love is hockey.”
“Really? There’s no Scandinavian sweetheart in your life?” Jules still had her hand on Frankie’s leg under the table and she softly stroked her fingers across Frankie’s denim clad thigh with deliberate precision.
“Nah.” Sydney gave her head a shake and gulped down another large sip of her beer. “I’m too busy with training, games and travel. I even have a sponsorship photoshoot in a couple of weeks for some Nordic energy drink no one outside of that part of the world has ever heard of.”
She was giving off an air of disinterest but it wasn’t believable and there was something there beneath the surface, something Sydney was keeping to herself but Frankie didn’t know why.
It may have been months since they’d seen each other last, but Frankie knew Sydney well enough to pick up on her tell and something was a little off.
Frankie’s brows furrowed slightly as she studied her, trying to pinpoint what was different. Sydney had always been forthcoming, never one to keep something to herself, especially when it came to dating but Frankie could sense that there was something Sydney didn’t want Frankie to know.
“Well since you’re not dating anyone, she’s cute?” Frankie proposed, nodding towards the bar where a pretty blonde bartender with a floral tattoo sleeve was wiping the bartop down and glancing in their direction, her eyes fixed on Sydney. She quickly looked away when Frankie met her eye.
“Yeah, she is,” Sydney sighed, not even bothering to glance over her shoulder at the woman in question. “But I’m only here for a few days, no point in getting into something when I’ll be back on a plane in five minutes.”
“Wow, the Sydney I know would never turn down a pretty girl who was interested in her.”
“Sounds like both of you were heartbreakers then,” Jules said, poking Frankie in her side. Her hair was pulled up in a messy bun and she was wearing an oversized blue flannel that complimented her eyes so well, making them seem like an even icier shade of blue somehow.
She was gorgeous and Frankie was constantly reminded of just how lucky she was, how much she wanted to cement every moment she spent with Jules, and this one, with Sydney sitting across from her for the first time in nearly a year, was especially worth committing to memory.
She didn’t know when she’d get a night like this again, a moment in time with her favourite people in a tiny corner of the world she now called home.
“Thank God Frank has found someone to settle down with though.” Sydney laughed a little and when she smiled again, Frankie knew it was sincere this time. She reached across the table to clink her glass against Frankie’s. “Cheers to a relationship that I will absolutely take all the credit for.”
“A relationship Sydney takes credit for?” Jules smirked and looked between both Sydney and Frankie, her eyes bright with curiosity and a desire to know far more than what Frankie or Sydney were willing to confess right now.
One day Frankie would tell Jules all about how Sydney had told her to go for it, to not worry about what could or couldn’t happen, and to follow her heart.
But that day wasn’t today. Frankie caught Sydney’s eye and gave her head a tiny shake and Sydney just grinned, offering an almost imperceptible nod in return.
“It doesn’t matter.” Frankie shifted to look at Jules and pressed a kiss to her temple then crumpled up another napkin and threw it at Sydney, hitting her square in the face. “What does matter is getting Sydney to stop calling me Frank.”
The next morning Frankie was standing in her kitchen making coffee when she heard a groan on the couch.
She didn’t have a guest bedroom, but she’d insisted on her couch being comfortable enough to sleep on so if there were ever a night where she fell asleep watching tv, her back wouldn’t hate her by the time she woke up.
Frankie glanced towards the large plush couch just as Sydney rolled over and pushed herself up into a seated position.
She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and stretched her arms over her head as she yawned.
“You’re making me coffee? Damn, you’re a fantastic host. Do you want my breakfast order next?”
Frankie laughed and carried two steaming mugs of coffee over to the coffee table by her couch. She set one down on a coaster in front of Sydney and pushed aside some of the blankets before settling down on the couch beside her.
“Don’t push your luck, buddy.” Frankie took a sip from her mug, letting the caffeine settle in her and she leaned back against the couch cushions with a sigh. “Last night was fun, eh?”
“Gotta admit, you picked a good one,” Sydney said, reaching for her own cup. She smiled at Frankie and repositioned herself so she was facing her with her legs crossed, pulling the blanket over her lap. “I really like Jules.”
“I really like her too.”
“I think you more than like her…”
Frankie’s cheeks flamed and she tried to hide the way that observation made her feel. It was true, but she knew it was too early to say it and there was something in keeping it to herself for a while longer, letting the truth of it live inside of her, that made it feel all the more special.
She’d never been in love before and getting to experience just for herself, for now, wasn’t the worst thing in the world.
“We’ve spent too much time talking about me since you got here,” Frankie said, changing the subject.
She sipped her coffee again then fixed her gaze on Sydney and studied her, trying to see if just a hard look would break her, would make her confess what she’d been keeping to herself, but Sydney remained unbothered.
“That’s because your life is way more interesting than mine.” Sydney motioned around the room and out the window. “Look at where you live. Look at your life.”
“And? What I’m doing now, where I’m at in my career and who I’m dating doesn’t mean your life and what you’re doing doesn’t matter or isn't interesting.”
Sydney pressed a thumb and index finger together and squinted. “Ehhhhh, it does a little bit.”
“Hey, come on, be real with me for a minute. What’s up with you, why did you really fly all the way out here?”
A sigh escaped Sydney’s lips and she set her coffee mug back on the coaster. Frankie’s eyes dropped to her hands and the way her fingers were toying with a loose thread on the cuff of the long sleeve thermal knit shirt she was wearing.
“A teammate and I, we…” Sydney inhaled deeply and looked over Frankie’s shoulder out the window.
“We started sleeping together last summer and things got intense fast. She’s not out to anyone so we’ve been sneaking around for months now and I would never pressure anyone to come out when they aren’t ready or risk anyone’s career if they fear losing it but…
” Their eyes met again and Sydney’s were full of a kind of sadness Frankie couldn’t ever remember seeing in them.
“I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want her and it feels like we’re going in circles. ”
“Oh, Syd,” Frankie said, scooting closer to Sydney on the couch. She put her hand on Sydney’s arm and gave it a gentle, reassuring rub. “I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner?”
A stray tear slipped out of Sydney’s eye and rolled down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away and laughed a little. “Because your life was already changing so much and you had so much going on. I didn’t want to be a bother or a burden.”
On hearing that, Frankie put her own coffee cup on the table then gripped Sydney’s arm and tugged her into a tight hug. “You would never be a burden to me,” she said, holding onto her best friend tightly. “You’re my sister.”
“I know I should cut things off with her now and save myself the heartbreak but my heart will still break when the inevitable happens anyway,” Sydney mumbled against Frankie’s shoulder.
When they eventually pulled out of the embrace and Sydney wiped her eyes again, Frankie’s own eyes softened as she took in her best friend's crestfallen features. It was another mountain to climb as a queer woman – falling for someone who wasn’t ready to come out and may very well never make that choice.
It could hurt like hell but it was almost a right of passage for some. Deciding to walk away never got easier but sometimes it was a decision that had to be made for the sake of your own healing and if you didn’t be the one to make the call, you’d never be able to move on with your life.
“Does anyone else on your team know?”
Sydney shook her head. “I never thought I’d get so good at playing pretend. Do you know how hard it is to keep my eyes from wandering to hers in every room we’re in together? How challenging it’s been to act normal around our friends when she comes up in conversation? I feel like I’m living a lie.”
Frankie sighed, recalling the ways in which she had to hide her own feelings for Jules before Jules knew, and the ways in which she was still having to hide them now until they were ready to tell Cam together. Her situation wasn’t the same as Sydney’s but she could empathize.
“And you fell in love with her, didn’t you?”
“Yay me.”
“God, being gay sucks sometimes, huh?”
A loud burst of laughter slipped out of Sydney and soon Frankie was laughing so hard alongside her that she was crying and trying to catch her breath.
With familiar ease, they slipped into recalling memories of the girls they dated in high school and college, the sneaking around they did with straight girls who weren’t all that straight, the immature drama that came with it all and the ways they once told their ex girlfriends how they’d be together forever.
Obviously that never happened but it was cathartic to think about where they’d once been and how far they’d come, even if things didn’t feel completely settled now.
Things would work out, one way or another, and Frankie did her best to make Sydney feel like she could rely on her when she needed a shoulder to lean on, even from all the way on the other side of the ocean.