Chapter 44
Isla
I fold the last of my clothes, putting them into a small bag.
I reach into my tunic and touch the small pouch resting between my breasts.
It’s lighter than when Sebastian first gave it to me.
Most of the coin went to supplies in town.
Kyrie and Damon took me on the wagon two days ago, and I bought everything I’ll need for the journey.
Practical clothing, a good cloak, and boots. Plus this leather bag.
I cinch it closed and let out a slow breath.
Outside, there is the thump of enormous wings and the rush of air that follows. Delphine has landed. Orion’s dragon fills the space in front of the cabin. Everyone is gathering out there. This is really happening.
It’s time to go.
The door opens behind me.
I know it’s him before I turn around. I can sense his presence.
“Can I help you with anything?” Sebastian asks.
His voice is careful. He hasn’t tried to corner me again since after the meeting the morning after we arrived, but I can tell by the way he looks at me that he hasn’t given up. There’s something in his eyes every time they find mine. Hope, maybe. Or desperation. I can’t tell the difference anymore.
It’s the last thing I need. Leaving is hard enough without him making it more difficult for both of us.
“I’m all done,” I say, gesturing to my bag. “And ready to go,” I add in the hopes that he will drop it.
He steps further into the room and stops a few paces away.
“Isla.” His voice is deep and rough, causing shivers to race up my spine. “I can’t let you go without apologizing…I just can’t. I’m so sorry. I’ve been an ass. A complete and utter prick.”
He reaches for my hands before I can pull back. His fingers close around mine, warm and familiar, and for a moment I forget how to breathe.
“I made a mistake,” he continues. “I wish to the goddess that I could take it back. Every word.” His thumbs trace slow circles over my palms. “I’d do anything to have your forgiveness. You name it, and I’ll do it.”
For a moment, just a moment, I want to collapse into him. I want to let him wrap his arms around me and tell me it’s going to be okay. I want to forget the way he looked at me when he accused me of betrayal, and I want to believe that this time will be different.
But I can’t.
“I accept your apology, Sebastian,” I tell him.
“I know you’re sorry for what you said. I do.
” I squeeze his fingers, just once, before gently pulling my hands free.
“I forgive you. You came to rescue me, even though it was a foolish thing to do. I know the man you are underneath all that armor you wear.”
His eyes brighten. His whole face changes, and the hope in his expression is so raw that it splits something open in my chest.
I have to say the rest. I have to make him understand.
“But you hurt me. You hurt me so badly that I still bleed.” I touch my chest. My voice wavers, and I take a breath to steady it.
“The things you accused me of…the way you looked at me like I was your enemy after everything we shared…” I shake my head.
“That’s not something a person gets over easily.
I do forgive you. I understand why you did it.
I even understand you, and the way you’re wired, the way you’ve been taught to protect yourself.
” I meet his gaze. “But I’m afraid for me.
” I touch my chest again. “I’m afraid that if I let you back in, you’ll do it again.
That the next time something threatens you, you’ll push me away the same way.
If I’m hurting now, how will I hurt when we have been together for weeks, months, or even years?
I forgive you, but I can’t trust you with my heart. ”
“I won’t hurt you ever again.” The words come fast. “Isla, I swear to you, I won’t. Give me a chance. I’ll prove it to you.” His voice breaks on the last word. “Please. Stay. Just for a short while. Let me show you.”
The desperation in his voice nearly undoes me.
“I can’t,” I whisper. “My mind is made up.” Each word feels like swallowing glass. “I have to do this.”
Sebastian nods slowly. The hope drains from his face, replaced by something heavier. Something that looks a lot like grief.
He steps forward and pulls me into his arms.
I let him. I let myself be held by him one last time, my cheek pressed to his chest, his heartbeat strong beneath my ear. He smells so good that I want to take him in…memorize how this feels.
Then he kisses me. Just a gentle brush of the lips against mine. When he pulls back, his eyes are glinting, and his throat works.
“I can’t believe we’re doing this again,” he says. A sad smile tugs at his mouth. “Saying goodbye. We’ve had too many of those since we met.”
I smile too, though it takes everything I have to hold back the tears threatening to spill. “We have.”
“Take care of yourself,” he says roughly.
“I will.” I reach up and touch his face. Just briefly. “I’ll see you again, Sebastian.”
“I’ll look forward to it.” He leans down, pressing his forehead to mine. We stand there, breathing each other in. “For what it’s worth, this short time with you has been the best of my life,” he says as he pulls away.
Despite everything, I let out a small laugh. “So you love being chased, beaten, and then chased some more?”
He laughs too. The sound is low.
“As long as I’m with you,” he says, “it doesn’t matter…nothing matters. I am at my happiest.”
We stand there for another moment. Then he steps back, creating a space between us that feels just plain wrong.
“I’ll miss you,” he says.
I can’t respond. If I try to speak, I’ll cry. So I just nod, pick up my bag, and turn toward the door.
I step out onto the porch. I pause there, my bag slung over my shoulder.
My heart feels like it is breaking. I can feel it cracking inside me, piece by piece. I start to second-guess myself. I love Sebastian. I can’t deny it anymore.
Maybe I should turn around. Maybe I should give him another chance.
No.
I grip the porch railing and force myself to breathe.
I have to be strong. I love him, yes. But I’m not convinced that he loves me enough to override the way he protects himself.
The way he’s always protected himself. He’ll say the right things, and then the moment he feels vulnerable, he’ll shut me out again.
He’ll accuse me of something terrible just to create distance between us.
I don’t believe he can fully love me or trust me the way I deserve. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
We need time apart. We both need to heal.
I release the railing and walk toward Delphine. The dragon watches me approach. Her golden eyes are beautiful in the light. Everyone has gathered near her. Maya holds Maxwell, who is bouncing and gurgling. Kyrie stands close to Damon, their hands intertwined.
“Thank you,” I say to Maya, hugging her. “For everything.”
I kiss Maxwell on the top of the head.
“You’re welcome here anytime,” she tells me. “Remember that.”
Kyrie pulls me into her arms next. “Be safe,” she whispers. “And come back to visit.”
“I will.”
Damon gives me a firm nod. “Good luck with the shifterfae. Tell Kilara we look forward to meeting with her soon. We will see you soon, Isla. Good luck with the training. We are counting on you.”
“I’ll see you all soon.”
I turn to Orion. He stands beside Maya, one hand resting on the small of her back.
“Ready?” he asks.
“Ready.”
I climb onto Delphine and secure my bag across my back, gripping one of the large spikes rising from Delphine’s spine.
Orion kneels to kiss Maxwell’s forehead, his lips lingering on his son’s soft hair. Then he straightens and pulls Maya into his arms. He kisses her long and hard, and the sight of it sends a dull ache through me. That kind of love. That kind of certainty. I wonder if I’ll ever have it.
Orion climbs aboard Delphine.
“Hold on,” he calls over his shoulder.
Just before he gives the signal, I look back at the cabin.
Sebastian is standing on the porch, and I can’t help but think that he is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. His dark hair ruffles a little in the breeze, and those eyes that have haunted me since the first moment I saw him.
Right now, they look tortured.
He smiles at me through his obvious pain. Then he lifts a hand and waves.
I wave back.
A tear slips down my cheek, and I wipe it away quickly.
Then I face forward, looking up at the sky.
Delphine’s wings beat once, twice, and we lift off the ground. The cabin grows smaller beneath us. The mountains rise on either side, and then we are soaring over them, headed south for the Shifter Court.
The flight is long. I bury myself deeper into my cloak and hold tight to the spike on Delphine’s spine. Below us, the deadlands stretch out endlessly. Then, gradually, the landscape begins to change. Trees appear. Rivers glint like silver threads. The air grows warmer.
We are nearing the border.
As we descend, I see a party of shifterfae gathered in a clearing at the edge of the forest. Some are in their fae form. Others are still in their animal forms. They all react as we approach, heads turning, bodies tensing at the sight of the dragon.
Terra stands apart from the others, her lean form unmistakable. I wave, and she lifts a hand in greeting.
Delphine lands with a heavy thud, her wings folding against her sides.
I slide down from the dragon’s back. Terra walks toward us, her stride confident and unhurried.
She is smiling warmly.
Orion jumps down, walking to us.
“Hi, Terra. It is good to see you.” We share a hug.
“You too, Isla.”
I pull back. “This is Orion, the Beastfae King and my friend. Orion, this is my friend Terra.”
Orion dips his head in acknowledgment. “It is good to meet you, Terra. Isla speaks highly of you and your species.”