Chapter 35
Jane looked a bit shocked to see me standing on her doorstep, and I felt a stab of guilt.
This was the day when she was meant to be dressed up in her best raw-silk mother-of-the-groom outfit, surrounded by all her people, graciously accepting compliments about her son and her cake.
Instead, she was home in her usual uniform of chinos and a crisp shirt. But she welcomed me warmly.
‘I forgot to cancel our honeymoon,’ I said.
‘You don’t normally forget things,’ she said, raising an eyebrow.
‘I don’t,’ I agreed. ‘I think I didn’t cancel it because I didn’t want to cancel it.
I wanted to spend more time with Matt. The rest of our lives, really.
Because I think your son is the best person I’ve ever met.
He’s thoughtful and funny and caring. He’s a lot like you,’ I said.
She smiled and I knew that she’d hear me out.
‘But it’s not just the big stuff, it’s the little stuff too.
The way he consumes culture like it’s oxygen – watching every movie and TV show and listening to every podcast. That he loves good food and wine but isn’t a snob about it at all.
That he gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, always.
He’s just... everything about him is good.
Even the bad stuff, like his wavering confidence and his inability to say no to an invitation ever and the fact he always turns the heating up too high. .. is good.
‘And I know that there’s every chance he’s just trying to move on and never wants to see me again. But I also know how much he values your opinion. So, I wondered if you would ask him if... he’d come on our honeymoon? Not to honeymoon, obviously. But just to talk.’
She looked doubtful. ‘He’s pretty upset,’ she said carefully.
‘I know,’ I said. ‘I promise I don’t want to hurt him. I just want to have the chance to talk. If he wants to. I’d really like the chance to explain myself and apologise. But I’ll understand if he doesn’t want to see me.’
‘And it has to be at a tropical resort?’ she asked.
‘It doesn’t have to be, but it’s neutral territory.
That’s been paid for already,’ I said. ‘And could you please give him this?’ I handed Jane a printout of the vows I’d written for our wedding.
I’d been agonising over what to say to Matt.
Except I’d realised during Mum and Hamish’s ceremony that I’d already put into words everything that I wanted to say to him.
‘And I also brought this,’ I barrelled on, knowing that once I handed over what I’d brought with me I might lose some goodwill. I’d ducked by Mum’s house en route and picked up something I’d had made up a few weeks earlier.
Jane pulled the frame out of the supermarket plastic bag – it was a photo of Matt giving a speech at an industry convention. He was in full flight, spotlights glinting off his hair and glasses, arms outstretched as he spoke to the audience. ‘I thought you might want it for above the piano, maybe?’
Jane held the photo between her hands and for a moment, her brow furrowed. Then she finally looked up and smiled.
‘I think it would look very nice there,’ she said. ‘I’ll talk to him.’
‘So, you’ve booked the honeymoon suite and a standard room... for two people?’ The receptionist in her floral-print uniform looked at me, justifiably confused.
‘That’s right. Could I please have the key to the standard room?’ I asked. ‘And could you hang on to the key to the suite for the other person on the booking? I’m not sure if they’re going to make it.’
‘Of course,’ she said, slipping her professional mask back on.
‘And just one more thing. Could you leave this note in the room, please?’ I asked. I handed over a letter I’d written many, many times over the night before, even though it was only a dinner invitation and a few sentences long.
I spent all afternoon getting ready. I let my hair dry naturally, but I spent ages mucking around with makeup and choosing which light summery dress to wear. In the end I went with a new one in a shade of green that I wasn’t sure suited me, but that I loved.
Finally, I left my room and wound my way through the sprawling golf course to the hotel’s restaurant.
Even though the sun was setting, it was still hot and humid.
The air smelled liked the sea – I could hear waves pounding onto the shore in the distance – with a hint of smoke from the cane fires burning in the mountains.
As I reached the threshold of the restaurant, I took a deep breath. If I was going to eat alone, that was okay. I was going to order a drink, just one. And then a main course and maybe dessert.
I was led to the table I’d booked.
‘You’re the first of your party to arrive,’ the waitress informed me. ‘Can I get you a drink while you wait?’
‘Yes, please. A martini. Oh’ – I glanced at the menu – ‘and a Tropical Princess.’
As soon as she left, I pulled the book I’d brought out of my bag.
I’d left my phone in my room because I didn’t want to be distracted by messages from people ostensibly making sure I was okay about the cancelled wedding but really angling for all the juicy details.
Or colleagues replying to my farewell email.
Or from my family, who were very actively sharing photos from the wedding on our group chat.
Or from Dad, who was attempting a new communication style (communicating).
‘Oh, that was quick.’ I looked up to thank the waitress, but it was Matt. The book had worked too well – I’d been so engrossed that I’d forgotten that I was a nervous wreck.
‘Matt. You came!’ I said. I stood up so quickly that my chair fell backwards. I’d planned to try to be calm and composed but had failed at the first hurdle.
‘Mum told me that if I didn’t, I was getting a packet-mix cake for my next birthday,’ he said with a small smile.
The waitress appeared next to Matt with a tray as I reset my chair. She placed the pale pink long glass in front of me and the martini in front of Matt’s seat. I switched them around as soon as she left.
‘Will you sit?’ I asked. He hesitated.
‘What are you reading?’ he asked instead.
‘Umm... It’s an exam practice book,’ I said. ‘I’m going to sit the GAMSAT in a few months. See if I can get into grad med. I have to get some extra science credits but—’
‘You’ll get in,’ he said, as he pulled out his chair and sat down. I exhaled. ‘You’ll be a great doctor.’
‘I’ve quit my job, but don’t worry – I’m still going to do some contract consulting work while I’m studying,’ I said quickly. ‘So I can cover my portion of the rent until we sublet it or the lease ends or whatever.’
‘Did you fly all the way up here to talk about our rent?’ Matt asked.
‘No,’ I said. ‘I just want to... talk.’
‘Okay,’ he said. He picked up his drink and took a small sip. ‘I like your hair like that.’
I lifted my hands to my head and tucked a stray natural curl behind my ear.
‘I love you,’ I blurted. Nerves washed over me again as I launched into the speech I’d prepared.
‘You were right. I never let myself properly love you. In the beginning I did date you because I thought that the type of love that I could feel for you would be contained and controllable and safe. Except I didn’t realise that that was the best type of love.
‘You became my best friend. And the person I was most attracted to. And your proposal became the best moment of my life. And you became the fiancé I couldn’t live without.
‘And I think I realised, maybe on a subconscious level, that I’d done something dangerous – I’d fallen madly in love with the guy I was going to marry.
And I got anxious about the absence of anxiety I felt when I was with you.
So I did some extreme mental gymnastics to try to protect my heart.
I became obsessed with a family curse that was never anything except a joke.
And I let myself get carried away with memories of a relationship with an ex-boyfriend who, by the way, is now on the other side of the world. ’
A parcel had arrived at the office, a few days before the date of our wedding, addressed to me and Matt.
Inside was a folded piece of A4 paper with a note scrawled across it: A wedding present for a wedding I hope happens.
Alex . Inside was a pair of porcelain figurines: a wolf with a veil and a dog in a tux.
‘I was so scared of the feelings I had for you, so I sabotaged us. I didn’t know I was doing it, but I was.
And I am so sorry for making you feel like you were the safe choice, or the second choice.
Because that’s just... not true. You were my only choice – and my scared heart and protective brain made you the dangerous option.
‘I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks and I’ve realised that the brain can’t give you what the heart wants. I don’t think I got to decide to fall in love with you. But I think I get to choose how I love you.
‘And if you let me love you again, I want you to feel chosen, safe and like you’re my everything...’ I trailed off.
‘I love you too,’ Matt said. ‘It’s never been that complicated for me. But the last few weeks have been hell. Breaking up with you, cancelling the wedding – it’s been the worst time of my life.’
‘I know,’ I said. ‘And I am so, so sorry that I put you in the position where you had to break up with me.’ I pulled a green ring box out of my bag and pushed it towards him. Inside was the ring he’d given me.
‘I don’t want it back,’ he said. ‘I gave it to you, it’s yours.’
‘I’m not giving it back. I’m asking you to not marry me,’ I said. He raised a quizzical eyebrow at me.
‘Instead, I’m asking you for a second chance to go on a first date.
With me. Tonight. And then, if that goes well, maybe we could go on another one tomorrow?
And I thought that maybe we could talk about all the things – what we want to do with our lives and how ridiculous our families are and how we’d do a better job raising kids and about our uni days and exes and also about the weather and whether it might rain and what we feel like for dinner and what names we might call our future children. ’
He stared at me for a moment. Then the crinkle in his left cheek appeared and before he’d even smiled, my heart felt light for the first time since the wedding had been called off.
‘Are we getting entrees and mains?’ he finally asked.
‘It’s a second first date. I think we should go all out,’ I said, grinning. ‘And there’s a cinema at the hotel. I’ve booked it for after – I mean, we don’t have to, just if you want to?’
‘That could be perfect for a second first kiss,’ he said. He smiled and his dark eyes twinkled at me behind his glasses. And I felt safe, in the best way. And I knew that I would spend my whole life making sure that he felt the same.
Although it was a habit I wanted to break, I couldn’t help but cross an item off my mental to-do list: ‘Let myself love Matt.’