6. Chapter 6
Chapter 6
Chi
Andy’s not here. I’m crying and crying and crying forever. I can’t go to sleep when it finally abates, so I become aware of Mara’s wide-eyed gaze blinking at me as I try to stop my breath from hitching long enough to eke out a few words.
She beats me to it. “Are you going to cry again?” She seems utterly terrified.
“Probably,” I shudder out. “Probably soon.”
“Okay. Okay, that’s fine. I um… I can make some tea? You like, um, sugar? Oh yeah, I got Slurpees! I know you love them from that one time you knew I was all bummed out about some nasty article one of the tabloids ran about me. You still like them, right?”
I stare at the Slurpee held out to me in her shaking hand and have the strangest urge to giggle. Unfortunately, it comes out somewhere between a hysterical laugh and a hysterical sob. “Yeah.”
“Oh good, okay.” Mara is so uneasy, she’s practically shaking, holding out the Slurpee as if to a wild animal backed in a corner.
Something in my brain tells me to take pity on this poor woman, so I inch my hand out toward it and wrap my fingers around the cup. I know it’s cold, but I can’t even feel it. I’m just so fucking numb to everything except the horror in my head.
“It’s cherry,” I whisper after taking a sip. “I can barely taste it, though. So weird.” This moment feels a little surreal, like the words are coming out of my mouth even though I’m not the one saying them. But I’m not crying, so I go with it.
Mara swallows hard and chokes on her own spit. I wish I could laugh at her sweet awkwardness and reassure her, but I feel about as human as a rock.
“I don’t know; I feel like there’s something about Slurpees and ice cream that make everything better. I always drink Slurpees when I’m sad. Oh, and I think I have some Grey Goose around here somewhere! If you wanted something like that. I used to put that into Slurpees sometimes.”
I blink at her and take a sip. The act of sipping seems to have some strange calming effect. Doing something so mundane reminds me that I can carry out acts that aren’t filled with endless crying.
I’m still out of it, though. “Where is Andy?” My eyes drift to the clock, as if I would even know if it was morning or night anyway.
“He’s out with Cas. He’s going to… ya know… find those guys. Remember?”
“That was so long ago,” I say, staring off at the wall.
Mara looks at the clock uneasily. “It was just a few hours ago. Knowing those two, it could be days.”
I give an involuntary gasp in, and Mara’s look of terror grows. “No, I mean, I don’t think it will be. I mean, Andy said he wanted to be back soon. You told them to torture the hell out of those guys, remember? So maybe it’s just taking a little while, but I’m sure they’ll be as quick as they can. They don’t have great service in the basement they’re in, but I have a number. I can text them if you want. I can ask how much longer. I promise, I’ll make sure they—”
This time I utter a sound that is more laugh than cry and shake my head at her, smiling through shaky lips. “It’s okay.” Needing to comfort her is giving me a reason to hold onto sanity, at least. I guess since Andy never lets his guard down, I feel comfortable throwing every feeling I have his way. But Mara is a question mark — she feels like unstable ground. While I have the presence of mind to care at all, I can at least try to hold back a little.
She takes my hand and holds it, giving it an awkward little pat after a moment. Then she throws her arms around me and squeezes me tight, nearly making my slosh my Slurpee all over her shirt. “I’m really sorry, Chica Chi. I’m sorry I’m so bad at this.” She grabs my hand and peers into my gaze. It’s sincere and unpracticed because she’s finally not trying so hard.
“It’s okay,” I whisper again, more words getting stuck in the back of my throat. It’s hard to think through the fog of my despair, as much as I want to reassure her. As much as I want to show her how grateful I am that she’s here, just trying to help.
She pulls back after a moment, worrying her bottom lip. “I really am sorry, Chi.” Fuck . Now she looks like she’s about to cry.
I shake my head and try my hardest to force the corner of my shaky lips up just slightly. “The fact that you’re sitting here trying is good enough for me.”
She smiles at that and squeezes my hand. “You’re gonna be okay, Chi.”
Poor Mara is just trying to make me feel better, but those few little words, when I can’t imagine ever feeling better, are all it takes to unlock whatever it is in my brain that snaps every time I cry. I feel my throat and face tighten, and I know it’s coming. “I doubt it,” I say brokenly, before sobbing. I feel Mara shaking as she hugs me, and I know she’s scared. I’m scared too. I guess we’ll have to be scared together.