19. Chapter 19
Chapter 19
Chi
A few days later, we’re on our chartered flight to Japan. As we discussed with them, Mara and Cas have stayed back to run the business, but if we need them, they’ll be on the next flight out.
We take very few men with us. The only guards we are bringing are Riku and his top five. Two of them go back and forth with him to Japan a few times a year, and the other three are the best guards on our grounds at the mansion.
The only people who know we’ve left are Cas and Mara. Since the war, Cas and Andy have had quite a few higher-ups in the American government nestled in their pockets. Cas has information that could ruin them forever, so they effectively belong to him. Making sure that our trip to Japan is documented incorrectly is as easy as making a phone call.
As far as the media knows, I’m hanging around the mansion a lot, maybe sick with the flu. Who fucking cares? No one knows where we are or where we’re going.
The fact that Andy and I are in Japan needs to remain a secret for at least a few days, which means no gorgeous hotel rooms, fancy parties, or social calls. We won’t even be visiting the Japan Mansion. We need to be discreet and find out more about this organization: the Kantoku-sha . And there was that other name that I couldn’t quite figure out — Kyouka Suigetsu .
My plane has very few areas for privacy, so I simply put up the armrest and fold myself into Andy as tightly as possible. My grief is so strange; it certainly has the capacity to hit at inopportune times, but I can control it sometimes, too. I know I’ll have time to cry right now, so this is when I allow it in, to tear me up. I still have worse days than others, but for the most part, I think the crying helps in the long-run.
Andy puts his strong arms around me, looking off out the window and reading the stupid fucking emergency exit information for the plane, but I feel him sifting my hair through his fingers, ever-so-softly. He’s used to my daily tears by now. He knows I’ll talk to him about it if I want to.
As soon as we touch down, we’re shown to an understated Acura. I’ve never been to the house we’re about to go to, but I have spoken about the safehouse with my father before. It’s in a nice little city called Kawachinagano, on the outskirts of Osaka, which is where my brother and mother live in the Japanese mansion.
I’m tired from traveling and crying and the heavy burden of grief I’ve been lugging with me everywhere, so we eat a quick dinner and fall into bed. After a rough fuck, we lie together, trying to get comfortable enough to fall asleep.
“Tell me a story, Andy,” I whisper into his naked shoulder, snuggling up in hopes of falling asleep to the vibrations of his deep voice.
He doesn’t hesitate — he’s used to this inquiry by now. This has become a twice weekly practice at this point, after getting into the habit weeks ago while he was recovering from his injuries in that underground hellhole of a military hospital.
“Once there was this guy,” he begins, without pause, whispering directly into my ear. “This plain, white American guy who wanted to be great. To help people. To… well, not to be noticed but… acknowledged, maybe.”
I breathe out quietly and slowly into his neck, trying not to move, hoping he’ll continue being vulnerable with me. I’m so grateful when I get my wish.
“Then he met this incredible girl and decided… maybe he just needed her to acknowledge him. Maybe it didn’t really matter what everyone else thought. Because it’s all fucked up anyway. The only ones that really matter are those you care about and who care about you.”
He turns to face me and cups my cheek, tipping my face up to his. I’m crying, as usual these days, but for the first time in my life perhaps, it feels good. I don’t know why, but it just feels so good to have him wipe the tears away.
His voice drops to a whisper. “But then… then there was more to worry about. Like the fact that she was a queen, and he was just a knight. And the fact that if you gain everything with just one person, you can lose it all too when they walk away.”
I look up at him again. He doesn’t really look worried in the least. I think when he considers the big picture in his head, it’s overwhelming, which is why I never do that to myself.
“You’ll always be the queen’s knight, Andy. Doesn’t a queen always want her champion to come back to her, no matter what? But these days… guards choose who they protect. And you could choose differently, too.” I say the last sentence, but I know he never will. I know he’ll protect me until his last breath, no matter what.
He grips me tighter to him and kisses my hair before reinforcing what I’ve already figured out. “Well, I guess I’m old-school then. Because I’m not going anywhere.”
In a very rare turn of events, Andy falls asleep before I do, and he stays asleep, even while I turn the events of the past few days and upcoming week over and over in my mind. Before I know it, I’m thinking of everything: my entire life up until this point and how it relates to the last week I’ve experienced.
How did I get here? And why? My father and, essentially, my other father, are dead, and I have just the dregs of a plan in place. I thought I knew so much about this life. I thought I was some badass Yakuza princess, in the trenches of the mafia world, destined to be queen. Most of all, I thought I was prepared and ready for the next adventure. I might not have been happy about it, but who is happy in this life? It’s not like I’m happier now.
Am I?
No. I am half miserable. But something inside me tells me I would have always ended up miserable. Maybe not quite as miserable and horrified as I was when my father and father figure died before my eyes, but being married to Asuka without Andy, my rock, would have been a pitiful existence.
But if I’m only half miserable, what is the other half? It’s a question I’ve asked myself variations of over these past few days while I’ve been mending my broken heart. I’ve been feeling something more — some restless energy that I figured was anticipation of revenge. But I think I’ve been hiding the real reason from myself. And I don’t want to think about it, but every time I try to get to sleep, I do, with a heaping dose of guilt. Every time I shut my eyes it creeps up into my brain, taunting me, just on the outskirts until I can’t possibly push it down anymore.
You’re relieved. You’re both miserable and relieved.
My breath gets stuck in my throat and that burning wave of sadness hits my nose and right behind my eyes. Why so sad, Chichi? You’re getting everything you want, aren’t you? The crown and your man.
But not like this. I didn’t want it like this. Andy doesn’t understand so much of what I’ll need to navigate. He doesn’t understand the things that might be difficult for me. And I can’t even tell the world how I feel about him. Sure, I will have him , but how much of him, and at what cost?
I reach out, feeling terrible about the fact that I’m going to wake him, but before I even squirm my way into his body, he’s got his hand behind my head, pushing it into the crook of his shoulder and chest, and kissing me above the eyes. “It’s okay, Chee-chee,” he whispers. “I had a feeling being here would be hard for you.”
It feels like he’s stabbed me in the stomach with a knife, and my breath catches again. He’s right. It’s not just relief, although I can’t deny that part of the pain comes from the guilt of that. It’s the pain of knowing that my guides here are gone. That Andy can only help me part of the way, and for the rest, I will have to forge the way.
And I don’t even have a choice. I never had a choice to come back here, but I’m alone here in a way that I haven’t been my entire life. I’m with someone I will have to navigate for. Andy, who has always been my anchor, has to count on me for that now. After so many years of staying safe in my bubble in America, how will I do this? How will I know how to act? What will be expected of me?
How will I deal with my mother and Akihito?
That thought comes bubbling up from nowhere. I believed I’d written them out of my life so long ago. But being here, on their turf, puts the fleeting feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness that I felt as a child under a microscope.
“Andy, there is just… so much here that I want and don’t want at the same time. There is so much I have to do for my title. And I want it. I really want it. I’m ready for the responsibilities that I’ve trained for my entire life. But… there are so many more factors now than I ever thought there would be. My guides are gone when I thought they’d be here. I’m lost.”
I give a few sobs as he strokes my hair. I’m surprised when he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t even try to help me. And I realize a moment later that it’s because we both know I’m right. I’m the one who is going to have to navigate here.
I should have lifelines in Japan. I should have my mother and brother to confide in, Instead, I’m poorly recognized, and only by people who might have killed my father and Daiki. Worst of all, I suspect my mother and brother of having something to do with their deaths.
As always, Andy finds just the right thing to say: not pretending to know the answer to all my problems, but assuring me just the same. “We’ll figure it out together, okay? I’ll do whatever I can to help you.”