24. Chapter 24
Chapter 24
Chi
In that haze before fully waking, sometimes my father and Daiki are still alive. I still wake up with the irrational hope that it will have all just been a dream. But every time I have to force my eyes open to the bleak reality that this is what life has dealt to me, and I have to just fucking live with it.
But on top of that, I have to live with the fact that I’m also looking for their killer while trying to fulfill the impossible role they’ve passed down to me. Impossible because I just don’t know enough. I can’t keep everything together the way they had it. My puzzle is wrong, but it’s because I wasn’t given all the pieces. “They never gave me all the pieces.”
“Chi?” Andy says as I open my eyes miserably. I realize I’ve said it out loud. And that I am super disoriented.
“Hey. You got really, really upset last night. We had the doctor check on you. Do you remember?”
I think back to the haze of crying and breathing and crying and breathing that felt like a lifetime. I barely remember any of it. I knew that Andy was there the entire time, but at some point I was so out of it that I just didn’t fucking care who was touching me. I knew Andy wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me.
I shake my head.
Andy looks at me gravely. “I know you’re grieving, baby. But this has got to be more than that. There’s a whole lot of anxiety in there, too.”
My family doesn’t believe in all that “anxiety” crap. You lock your shit down and move on, or you die. That’s how you survive. “Everyone feels anxiety sometimes.” I look away from Andy and shrug dispassionately.
He rests his hand on my arm. “You’re gonna give yourself a fucking heart attack, Chee-chee.”
I throw his hand off. “What do you want me to do about it, Andy? There’s nothing I can do. I’m his heir. It’s up to me .”
He licks his lips and takes a deep breath. I expect him to let it go; he often does. But this time, he speaks. “You can let your brother help you.”
I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. My first instinct is to wonder what angle he’s coming from here. “Why? So that a man can handle it for me?”
He closes his eyes as if he knew this was coming. “Chi, you’ve gotta be kidding me. You think I would encourage you to let a man take your crown? No, that’s not why. And that’s not what I mean. I mean that you need to give your brother more of a role, not that you need to give yours away. He was brought up for this until he was twelve-years-old. They let him in on more than they did you, even after they’d made the decision to have you take over. You are well-equipped in many, many ways, Chi. But he’s well-equipped in some of the ways you’re lacking.”
“I’m lacking ?” I throw my arms over my chest and scoff at him. “I’m a karate black belt master, I know how to shoot a gun and use a sword, I own a set of top-of-the-line throwing knives and have mastered their use as well. I know about new technologies and security systems, I have a linguistics degree and speak perfect Japanese, and I’m great at manipulation. I know exactly how to be a well-bred Japanese lady. But I’m lacking , you say?”
“Chi, stop!” Andy runs his hand through his hair and shakes his head at me. “You know that isn’t me. You know I’m not trying to tell you that you aren’t capable. You just need help. Like all good leaders. You need fucking help. For everything you’re great with — your fighting skills, your manipulation skills, and your knowledge of Japanese etiquette — there are other things that you don’t know, that your father would have likely taught you if he had lived long enough.”
I open my mouth to interrupt him, but nothing comes out, so he continues. “Akio was probably just dragging his feet because it was dangerous, and, while he was really quite sexist, he still loved you. But your brother knows more about those things and clearly fights against them.”
I can’t really argue with him and have no choice but to hear him out. He seems to sense my openness to his words and moves closer, placing a hand on my knee. “I mean, Chi, you haven’t even been here in eight years. How do you expect to lead here? Many people know of you, but so many others haven’t even met you. You don’t know the ins and outs of this society like your brother does. He has been living amongst them, sliding in and out of their circles and observing them, even if from afar. That’s more than you’ve been able to do, Chi.”
I turn away from him and grit my teeth, feeling tears coming. And I let them come, because these are different. These are anger. Frustration. Not sadness, and sadness, and sadness.
He squeezes my knee gently. “You need to let someone help you.”
I shake my head hard, as a few tears make their way down to my chin. “I can’t,” I say, through gritted teeth. “I’ll never be taken seriously if I do.”
“Baby,” he says, rubbing comforting circles now. “It won’t matter if you’re taken seriously or not if you die.”
I finally look back into his face, and my tears come harder now. “Maybe it’s better to die a hero than to be pitifully inadequate.”
Andy’s next expression can only be described as gutted. And I’m sure it’s from my words. I know he’s felt this exact emotion, too. Who ever knew that we were so alike?
“That’s what you think needing help means?” he begins. “As you know, I’m aware of what it’s like to feel inadequate. But I know when I need help, even if I don’t like it. Do you think you’re inadequate because I’ve been here with you? Because you’ve cried to me?”
I say nothing, and he has his answer.
“Chi, Jesus Christ. You’re allowed to fucking grieve. You’re allowed to be anxious. You’re allowed to take a fucking break and be less than perfect. If you don’t, your enemies can figure that out about you. And when they know that you're at your weakest, they can strike. The fact is that you need help, even help that the public finds out about. Having help and allies is an asset, no matter what the optics look like to the outside world. But first, you have to admit it. Otherwise, you’re just dead, and what good is that?”
I know what he’s getting at, and I give voice to it even though he hasn’t. “Like my father?”
He just looks down, and now I have my answer.
“Oh, fuck.” He’s right. I can’t disagree. The evidence is stuck in my brain forever. Perhaps if my father had discussed this organization with me, with Andy, with Cas, with Oxy, with anyone; perhaps we could have been on higher alert. If they posed such a threat, he probably knew about it.
“It’s not your fault, Chi. It doesn’t mean that you’re inadequate. It means that your teachers inadequately prepared you. And that has nothing to do with you or your skills.”
As hard as it is for me, I nod and try to collect myself. “I don’t even know how to do this, Andy. I’m still the queen, you understand? I still need to run things. It was my father’s wish. And maybe he wasn’t as perfect a man and leader as I held him up to be, but I will follow what he set out for me. I owe him that much.”
“You don’t owe anything to anyone, Chi. Just to yourself.”
I let out a quiet sob at that, wincing at the mere thought of giving myself what I want, instead of following my father’s wishes. I finally realize how much harder it is to make my own fate than to follow the one set out for me by others.
I gather myself and shake my head to clear it. We’re both going to need to get over our own issues and deal with them another time if we want to hear what my brother has to say. And we’re going to have to do it quick.