Chapter 19 #2
“Oh no you don’t,” he growls, purposefully rocking the kayak and making a grab for my paddle.
I shriek. He laughs and lunges for my paddle again, which I snatch out of his grasp at the last second. And the tension of the moment is broken.
“I really am sorry,” I tell him sincerely. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. You were one of my best friends, and I’ve regretted how I handled things all these years. If I could do it differently, I would.”
“Oh yeah? What would you do differently?” he asks, tilting his head and eyeing me.
I consider this. “I would still have said no,” I tell him. “I had a lot of growing up to do, and I needed to do it outside of Poulsbo. I loved my training in Switzerland and my time apprenticing in Paris. I don’t regret my choice—I got to do what I love—but I do regret how publicly I rejected you.
“If I were to do it over, I’d take the roses and I’d loudly say thank you.
I’d give you a kiss on the cheek and tell you that you were the best guy I knew.
Then I’d quietly tell you that I wasn’t ready for a relationship but that I cared a lot about you.
And then as I was leaving I’d yell really, really loudly so everyone could hear, ‘Some girl is going to be so lucky to have you.’ ”
He smiles at this, a flicker of amusement. “That would have eased the sting a bit,” he admits. “But then I might not have gotten the push to leave town and join the Marines. It all worked out for the best in the end, I guess. I got a pension and killer abs and you got…”
“Tired and chubby?” I supply.
He shoots me a disbelieving look. “Emmie, are you fishing for compliments?” His tone is slightly reproving.
“No. Maybe,” I mumble, feeling my face flush red. I swear, I’ve blushed more in the last week than in the past sixteen years combined. What is wrong with me?
“You’ll always be the prettiest girl in school to me,” Jakob says with a little wry grin.
I feel myself pink at the unexpected compliment. Jakob doesn’t hand them out often. “Well, you kind of ruined other guys for me,” I blurt out before I think about it. “You’re why I left Gus’s dad.”
His eyebrows fly up at this revelation. “What?”
I hasten to explain. “While I was dating Romaine, I kept comparing him to you. All the guys I’ve ever dated, I’ve compared to you.
You were the kindest, sweetest guy I’d ever met.
You were so smart, and so perceptive, and your only flaw was that you couldn’t see yourself as worthy, as valuable.
” I sneak a peek at him. He’s focused on me intently, those icy eyes boring into me. I press on.
“After a while I realized that while Romaine was worldly and cool and smart, he was also sort of a jerk. He wasn’t kind to people the way you were.
He wasn’t thoughtful. He took me a little bit for granted, and I think he looked down on me a little too, because I didn’t speak four languages and didn’t know much about wine and didn’t understand a lot about European politics.
It wasn’t just me. Romaine looked down on a lot of people.
He was a snob. I broke up with him even before my dad got his diagnosis.
When I came home and found out I was pregnant, it was already over with Romaine.
And I didn’t try to get back together with him. You know why?”
Jakob shakes his head. His expression is closed and wary, but I soldier on. “Because I knew my baby needed someone else to be a father to him, someone less like Romaine and more like you.”
He looks up sharply at that, but I hold his gaze, trying to convey the truth of what I’m saying.
“And for four years, Gus had my dad. My dad was the only other man in the world who was as kind and caring and thoughtful as you were. You and Dad made it really hard for any other men to meet those standards. Quite frankly, no one else ever has.”
Jakob just stares at me wordlessly for a long minute. He looks a little stunned. Then he clears his throat. “We should get back,” he says. “I’ve got a lot of work to do to get your store up and running again.”
I nod and turn around, facing front. Maybe I’ve said too much, but I don’t regret it.
It feels good to clear the air. We paddle briskly back across the bay.
The silence is easy now between us. I feel lighter, like the words that have been sitting in my chest, waiting to be spoken, have finally been released, floating away like helium balloons.
I’ve done what I could to right the wrong I did to Jakob, and that feels pretty amazing.
I paddle hard, feeling lighter than air.
We’re almost to the boathouse when Jakob breaks the silence. “How are things coming with your chocolate shop idea?” he asks.
I heave a sigh. “It’s run into a bit of a snag, actually.” I tell him about the lack of good storefront space in Kingston and Winslow. “I’m stuck until I can find a space that will work.”
Jakob is quiet for a minute. I can hear him thinking. “How about here in Poulsbo? Is there anything available in downtown?” he asks finally.
I hesitate. “I haven’t really been looking in Poulsbo,” I admit finally.
“Why not? It has just as much charm as those other towns, and you already have a good network in the business community.” Jakob steers us into the marina.
“It would save you a lot of time and trouble to not have to build a name somewhere else and get connected. It’s already here for you.
It’d take you years to build up somewhere else what you already have here. ”
He has a good point. I hadn’t thought of it that way.
I’ve been too busy dreaming of other places to really think about the value of what I have right in front of me.
I consider the idea for a moment, thinking of all the help we had last night.
People know us and love us and are willing to sacrifice for us in this town.
This sense of community is precious. So why am I trying to start over somewhere where I’ll have to build all of this relationship and goodwill all over again?
Why am I not locating my shop in Poulsbo? It’s a very good question.
I think of the dream—Paris, New York—and I think of the reality.
If I were a single woman, younger and free, perhaps that would have made sense.
But I am me, and I have Gus and Mom and the Happy Viking to consider.
I think of my vision again. There was nothing that gave me a sense of the shop’s exact location.
Maybe I should consider Poulsbo more carefully, at least be open to the idea and see what’s available.
Jakob has given me a lot to think about.