Chapter Nine Fiona #3
‘I had a bad dream.’ Georgia sniffed, chin quivering, her elephant cuddled to her chest. ‘I dreamed that I woke up and everyone was gone and I was all by myself.’
‘Oh, honeybun.’ I knelt down so I could put my arms around her. ‘I’m right here, okay? I’ve got you.’
She sniffed again, nodding against my throat. ‘Hi, Satoshi.’
‘Hi, Miss Georgia,’ he replied. ‘That’s a really elegant elephant.’
‘Thank you. Mummy helped me make her a fancy ballgown.’ Georgia pulled out of my embrace. ‘What are you doing here?’
He hesitated.
‘He brought some wine for the grown-ups,’ I said. ‘Come on. Let’s get you back to bed.’
‘Can I give Satoshi a hug first?’
It was my turn to hesitate. ‘Only if he says it’s okay. It’s always best to ask first, remember?’
‘You know what?’ Satoshi crouched down. ‘I’d love a hug.’
Georgia wrapped her arms around his neck. His hands came to rest on her shoulder blades as he hugged her back, eyes closing, and a light-headedness came over me, like my blood had suddenly turned very thin.
It took me a while to get Georgia back to bed, stroking her hair as she fell asleep. By the time I emerged, everyone else was most of the way through another bottle of riesling. ‘I saved some for you,’ Satoshi said, pouring the remainder of it into my glass.
Of course he had. ‘Thank you,’ was all I could reply before I turned away, so he didn’t see how much that simple gesture made my heart ache.
He left soon afterwards. ‘I really do have to get back,’ he said, as my brothers – and Lex, who had emerged from their room when they realised he was here – urged him to stay for another glass. ‘I’ve got a lot of study to do – and anyway, I’m driving.’
‘Mum’s going to bring me for hot chocolate soon,’ Lex said. ‘Aren’t you, Mum?’
‘Of course.’ I dug my nails hard into my palm.
Satoshi bumped Lex’s proffered knuckles. ‘Looking forward to it, pal. See you soon.’
Then he turned to me. ‘Thank you for welcoming me into your home, Fiona. It’s beautiful.’
I dug my nails in harder and steeled myself. Time to be strong. ‘You’re welcome. I’ll walk you out.’
Outside, crickets were singing in the summer night. It was warm, but I folded my arms around myself anyway, trying to find the right words. Thank you so much for putting me back together, Satoshi, but I think it’s better… I think it’s best… For the sake of everyone, we should—
‘Can I ask you something?’ Satoshi said abruptly.
My heart sped up, an uneven drum beat in my chest. ‘Sure.’
‘Was it really that embarrassing?’
I blinked.
‘The other night.’ He paused beside his car, running his hand through his hair. ‘When you messaged me, you said it was mortifying, and I was just wondering… was it really so bad for you, getting caught with me?’
‘Oh! Oh god, Satoshi, no!’
Something between horror and panic ran through me. He was always so careful with me, and the thought of him believing he’d hurt me made me want to throw up. ‘You didn’t do anything wrong,’ I said. ‘Not a single thing. You’re perfect – and I’m fine, I promise.’
Even though I knew I shouldn’t, that I was just making things harder for myself, I reached out and took his hand, kissing his knuckles then pressing my cheek to them.
‘It’s just – people talk, you know? And no one talks more than parents – you wouldn’t believe how much they gossip – and then what they say gets filtered down to the kids.
I can’t tell you how many times the girls have come home from school with questions like “Mummy, what’s a mistress?
”, “Mummy, what’s a lovechild?”. With Michelle – I could practically hear “Mummy, what’s a toyboy?
”, and the thought of having to explain that… ’
I let out a long breath. ‘It’s just… a lot. As usual, right?’
Satoshi didn’t say anything.
‘Besides,’ I added, trying to sound as jokey as possible, even as my heart pounded even harder, ‘I’m sure it wasn’t on your bucket list to get caught kissing one of the mums at a school barbecue. Aren’t you always telling me you have an image to maintain?’
‘Fiona,’ he said quietly, ‘I’d kiss you in front of the entire world if you wanted me to.’
… oh.
I had to let this man go. I knew that. The longer I put it off – the more I let myself lean into him – the more difficult it would be. If I was sensible – if I was smart – I would do it right this second.
‘Will you kiss me now?’ I asked.
Satoshi blinked. ‘Here?’
I glanced over at the house. I doubted anyone would be peering out the front window at us, but I didn’t want to risk it. ‘In here.’ I opened the back door to his car, shepherding him in.
Inside, I draped myself over his lap, a knee on either side of his legs on the back seat.
‘No one,’ I said, kissing his lips, ‘has ever been as lovely to me as you, Satoshi. You’re so kind—’ I kissed his cheek ‘—and so patient—’ now the corner of his jaw ‘—and I’m so, so lucky to have you in my life. ’
I kissed behind his ear, but either I hadn’t found the right spot or it didn’t feel to him the way it did to me, because he was stiff and still beneath me. ‘Are you all right?’ I asked. ‘Did I do something wrong?’
‘No.’ He smoothed a hand over my hair. ‘I just…’
He closed his eyes. ‘I don’t want to put any pressure on you,’ he said at last. ‘But if the thought that people might find out about us scares you so badly – is this really something you want to be doing?’
Here it was again. He was perfect, and so he’d provided me with a second perfect out, another opportunity to make a clean break, no harm, no—
‘Yes,’ I whispered. ‘It is.’
I fisted my hands into his T-shirt and rested my forehead against his.
‘But the second you don’t want to anymore, just say, okay?
I won’t hold it against you. I might have to hit pause for a few weeks, anyway – Elias is staying with me and I don’t know if I’ll be able to sneak away on Thursdays – and I would completely understand if you were sick of me and all my messy bullshit, so—mmph. ’
Satoshi’s mouth crashed into mine, his fingers twisting hard into my hair, and by the time I managed to get out of the car, the windows were very, very foggy.
That wasn’t what I thought about later, though, after another bottle of wine, when Sadie and Jonah had finally left and Elias had gone to bed.
As I stacked the glasses in the dishwasher, I didn’t think about the way Satoshi had kissed me, or the heat of his skin against my palms when I’d slid my hands under his shirt, or even the erection I’d felt against my thigh, literal hard evidence that he really did want me.
Instead, it was the way he’d gently thumbed a stray fleck of mascara off my cheek and helped me redo my ponytail so I looked presentable before I went back inside.
The way he’d looked, crouching down on my kitchen floor, holding Georgia so carefully, so tenderly.
The way he’d sounded, when he told me he’d kiss me in front of the whole world if that was what I wanted.
I knew better than to read into a statement like that. I’d let a man kiss me in front of the whole world once, and it hadn’t meant anything in the end.
But even though it was careless – reckless – completely and utterly foolhardy – I couldn’t stop Sadie’s voice echoing through my mind. I think you can have it all.