Chapter Eleven Fiona #4
‘They’re not my only children!’
He tugged at his non-existent hair again. ‘When you told me you were pregnant with Lex, I decided to end it with Laura. But then she told me she was pregnant too, and I couldn’t just leave her. I love her too. I always have.’
He hung his head. ‘I thought I could keep it going forever. Because I was greedy, and I thought it could have it all. But – but – god, this sounds awful, you’re going to hate me for this—’
‘I already hate you, Matt. You can’t make it worse.’
‘Financially, it just wasn’t working anymore.’ He exhaled. ‘And you have your parents, and I knew they’d look out for their grandkids, and Laura doesn’t have anyone, so—’
‘Wait, wait, wait.’ I held a finger up. ‘Are you telling me that you picked her over me – your family with her, over me and the kids – because my dad has more money?’
‘No! But…’
His voice trailed off. ‘You know it wasn’t the same between us, near the end,’ he said eventually. ‘You were… restless. I could feel you growing apart from me. Like I wasn’t enough for you.’
‘You do understand the irony of you, of all people, saying that, right?’
‘Of course I do. And I know what I did was awful, but… isn’t a part of you glad? That I let you go?’
I had a sudden, vivid flashback to what Elias had said the night before. I doubt any of us are where we thought we’d be a few years ago, but I think we’re all better off for it.
The front door of the house opened and a tweenage boy came out. He was shorter than Lex, stockier, with more freckles, but the colour of his hair was exactly the same. ‘Dad, my iPad’s broken. Will you fix it for me?’
‘Micah, honey, not now.’ A hugely pregnant Laura followed him out. ‘Leave your dad alone, okay?’
Her eyes met mine as she hustled Micah – oh my god, this was my kids’ brother – back into the house. And as she lingered in the doorway, my mind spun a whole new scenario.
Me, coming home from Tsundoku that night. Matt, sitting me down and telling me about Laura. But it’s okay, baby, this version of him said. I ended it with her. It’s all you, only you.
What would I have done? Where I would be now, if I’d been the one he’d chosen?
Would I have shoved him away and told him no? Would I be exactly where I was now – still in survival mode, still just trying to get by, slowly putting my life back together, leaning so hard on everyone around me that it was amazing they hadn’t collapsed beneath my weight?
Or would I have given in? Would I have eventually surrendered the way Laura had – for the sake of the kids, for the sake of stability, for the sake of having someone to rely on?
Would I – fuck, would I be the one knocked up now, with more children of a man it surely made me sick to look at and even sicker to touch, sending emails to her in a desperate attempt to convince myself he really was a good person who’d just made some bad mistakes?
Who, of the two of us, was the punchline, really?
‘It’s all right,’ I said, eyes still fixed on Laura’s. ‘I was just leaving.’
‘Fi, wait,’ Matt said. ‘We still—’
‘We’ll talk in the new year. Once your first child support payment comes in. And it better, or I’m going to send my lawyers after you. You’re going to follow the rules of our agreement to the letter, or so help me god, I will never let you see the kids again.’
I put my hand on the table. His untouched, overfull wine glass wobbled again, sending liquid splashing over the edge. ‘From now on, you’re going to respect me, Matt,’ I said. ‘Because I’m not a fucking joke.’
For the first time in a long time, my head was clear. All the knots I’d tied myself into – all the worry, the fear, the embarrassment – had burned away. I knew exactly where I was going, and exactly what I wanted.
Satoshi was behind the bar at Tsundoku. ‘Fiona!’ he said, visibly surprised, closing the binder of study notes he had open in front of him. ‘I wasn’t expecting you.’
I slid onto a stool. ‘I wasn’t expecting me either when I woke up this morning, but here I am.’
He studied me. ‘Are you okay?’
‘No,’ I replied honestly. ‘I’m not.’
‘Can I get you a drink?’
‘First,’ I said, ‘can I pay for the keg?’
He was still studying me. ‘You don’t have to.’
‘Yes. I do.’
It was such a small thing, but I had to do it. I owed so many people so many things that I could never repay – owed him so much I could never repay – but this, at least, I would make good.
Satoshi offered me the EFTPOS reader. I tapped my credit card against it. ‘Will you answer a question for me?’
His expression was unsure, but after a brief moment, he replied, ‘Of course.’
I glanced around the bar. It wasn’t full; apart from me, there were only two people, having a quiet drink near the crime shelves. ‘Could you close early tonight?’
‘Maybe? The kitchen’s already closed and I doubt anyone else will come in. Boxing Day isn’t normally a big trading day for us, it’ll pick up in a couple of days when the Sydney to Hobart yachts start coming in. Why?’
‘Because I’m only married until midnight,’ I said, ‘and I need to cheat on my husband.’