Chapter Twenty-One Fiona #3
‘I love you too.’ I bit my lip again, tasting blood. ‘But I can’t promise I’ll ever be ready for another baby. And if you really want kids, Satoshi… I can’t take that away from you.’
‘What I really want is you.’ He nudged me again, more emphatically this time. ‘You want a relationship non-negotiable? That’s it, Fiona. It has to be you. Nothing else matters.’
Yquem sprang off Satoshi’s lap as he reached out to me.
‘I do want kids,’ he said, taking my hand again.
‘But the idea of them being biologically mine – that wasn’t important when I thought I’d have them with Kieran, and it’s not important now either.
I adore your kids. I’d do anything for them.
And if there was a future where you’d let me be some kind of parent to them, I would love them just as much as if I’d been there the day they were born. ’
My eyes filled with tears.
‘I’m not asking to marry you and become their stepdad tomorrow.’ He squeezed my fingers. ‘We can go as slow as you want. But I don’t want to be an escape from your real life. I want to be part of it.’
He kissed my knuckles. ‘Please say that’s okay, because I’m not above begging.’
I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth. I wanted it – wanted him – so, so badly.
‘On one condition,’ I said at last.
‘Anything.’
‘You have to promise to tell me what you need. Always.’
I surrendered to my urge to go up on my knees so I could stroke the side of his face with my knuckles. ‘You’ve been the perfect partner to me, Satoshi, but I’ve been a terrible one to you. You’ve made me feel like a queen, but I’ve made you feel like shit, and I had no idea I was doing it.’
‘No.’
‘Yes,’ I insisted. ‘If you can’t promise me, then I can’t do this.
I can’t be with another man who isn’t honest with me.
I can’t worry that I’m a burden on you, an obligation, someone who’s keeping you from being happy instead of making you happy.
There are two people in a relationship, and I need to carry my share of the weight. ’
I took a long breath before I kept going.
‘If this is going to work, I need the real you. All of you, even the parts you hide away. You’re so strong, Satoshi, and so steady, and I love that about you, but I love that there’s this…
hungry, needy person underneath it all too.
I love getting to see that side of you. I love feeling like I’m satisfying those needs, but I don’t just want to do it in bed.
I want to do it always. Because I love you. ’
I pressed the back of his hand to my cheek.
‘I need you to tell me what you need. To ask things of me – to rely on me – instead of just putting my needs first. To tell me the truth, even if it’s going to upset me – and even if turns out that truth is that I’m not what you need anymore.
I need you to promise, and I need you to mean it. ’
Satoshi let out a long breath. ‘Right now,’ he said, ‘I need you to come here.’
I did, snuggling into him, my head on his shoulder, his arms around me. ‘I promise,’ he whispered, pressing his lips to my hair. ‘It’ll always be you, Fiona, but I promise.’
‘We’ll see.’ I turned my face into his throat so I could kiss his pulse point. ‘Let’s see how you feel after your first Fisher family dinner.’
He stilled. ‘You want me to come to dinner?’
‘It feels like a good place to start, if we’re going to ease the kids into Mummy and Satoshi are dating. Although – actually, maybe I should have mentioned this earlier – Lex already figured it out.’ I looked up at him. ‘And they gave me a very stern talking to about breaking up with you.’
Satoshi smiled, dipping his head to kiss me. ‘They’re a genius.’
‘I think so.’ I wrinkled my nose fondly at him. ‘Is it asking too much to invite you tomorrow night? My parents will still be here, so that’d really be throwing you into the Fisher family deep end, and I know you’re still recovering.’
‘Definitely not too much to ask. Although I might need to sneak out of here like a teenager. Isamu will have some opinions about me overexerting myself.’
‘Fiona also has some opinions about you over-exerting yourself, so really, if you’re not up to it—’
‘I’m fine.’ He cupped my face in one of his hands, brushing his thumb over the lip I’d bitten. ‘Yes, I’ve been overdoing it, but a few days’ rest has done me a world of good. And…’ he leaned his forehead against mine, ‘as much as I hate it, I’m going to suck it up and let my brother help me.’
‘As someone whose love language is also acts of service,’ I said, touching a fingertip to the dimple in his left cheek, ‘I have some experience in having to let people help you while you feel like you’re giving nothing in return, if you need someone to complain to.’
‘That is definitely something I need.’ Satoshi kissed me, quick, chaste, but tender. ‘Because Isamu taking control over my bar like this? I hate it.’ He paused. ‘Even if he did get the glasswasher fixed in about five seconds. I eavesdropped on him talking to the technician. He nearly made him cry.’
I kissed him back. ‘How about I rewrite the copy on your ad for Birdie’s replacement? See if we can get some more hits?’
‘That would be—’ more kisses, one, two, three, in quick succession ‘—incredibly helpful.’
I brushed his hair back from his forehead, kissing him again. ‘Is there anything else I can do?’
Satoshi thought for a moment. ‘Yes.’
He gestured towards the little wine fridge in the corner. ‘Pick something, my love. Let’s have a drink together.’
I chose a bottle of moscato. It was sweeter than either of us typically preferred, but it had low alcohol, and given he was on bed rest, that felt like a good idea. ‘You might regret this,’ I said, pouring us both a glass.
‘If I do, I’ll tell you.’ He took the glass I handed him, inhaled the aroma and grinned. ‘But I don’t think I will. Cheers.’
I looked him in the eye, no bar between us now, a promise of far more than seven years this time. ‘Cheers.’