57. Chapter Fifty-Seven
Days passed, and the doors to the throne room had been guarded since we arrived. None of us had laid eyes on the throne—not even Eero.
It was almost as if it was sacred. A greedy part of me wanted to barge past them and see how badly it had been abused over the years, but it was Eero’s birthright, not mine. It wasn’t like he had time to admire his throne, to be fair. He’d been in and out of the castle with rebel forces to strengthen our defenses in the event Sólkon sent more men, making sure those most loyal to Sólkon were banished, imprisoned, or…worse.
I wasn’t sure what was most merciful.
But I wasn’t king.
I couldn’t act in such haste. So, I often stuck to the library, our chambers, or the courtyard, any place that could pass the time and allow my aching bones to heal. Azalea helped where she could, but she was affected by Yenira’s death worse than the rest of us.
I didn’t blame her. I wouldn’t want to be forced to stare at the woman who killed her lover—daughter or no. That was the only reason I didn’t blame Sapphire for her distance, either. I’d taken something special from both of them. A sister. A partner. No matter how toxic the love had been, no matter how many years separated them, I stole their chance at closure.
I was simply alone. War was long, and though we’d reclaimed the throne, I knew there was so much to do. The sky overhead during the day was normal enough—but at night, the stars had been replaced with the crimson iris shadowed by dark clouds. It was an omen of what was to come—and, to be honest, none of us had the time to think it through.
It had been benevolent so far.
I sat on the ledge of a windowsill, the glass pane cracked open to let in some cool winter air and listen to hammers clattering against nails to wood. Slowly, the city nearest the castle was being rebuilt. The burned buildings would be replaced, and it may start to feel like a home again.
The guards smacked the butts of their staffs against the stone floor. I jolted out of my skin, ears resting on the distant sound of clicking boots. I glared at them, but they paid me no mind. It was their job—but I hated it.
I stood, closed the window, and turned to find Sapphire and Eero walking toward me. They were bickering. Casynox sprinted through the doors not long after them, racing to catch up, two scrolls of parchment in hand. Eero did not acknowledge me with his eyes, but he did slow to a halt and rested a hand on my elbow.
“I do not care, Sapphire. I will not accept Evangeline’s fleet.”
I cocked a brow and flicked my stare between them. Eero finally looked at me and offered a sad smile, the bags beneath his eyes so dark, they looked mortal in a way. He was still away by the time I fell asleep most nights, and when I woke, it was to the feeling of his hands slipping off my body before he left to do it all over again.
We hadn’t even talked about my fucking ears. I wanted to tear them off my head, that’s what I wanted to do.
Eero opened his mouth, but Casynox groaned and leaned over his knees. I turned my attention to him, and he wheezed. His arms were still riddled with scars from the silver. “For fuck’s sake—remind me to never get chained up again. Please?”
“What is it?” Eero said after gritting his teeth, his gaze falling to the floor.
He straightened his posture and handed a piece of parchment to him. “It’s not just Evangeline sending word today, Eero. I’ve gotten word from Calista, too.”
Eero’s eyes widened, and he accepted the parchment before unrolling it. He started walking ahead, slowly, dragging fingers through his hair. My face fell into a deep frown before I could control it, and I turned away to return to my windowsill. Casynox chuckled dryly before muttering goodbye and walking after him.
Sapphire stared at my back. I didn’t have to look at her to know it. We hadn’t talked since I confessed what I’d done—not one on one, at least. I don’t know if I’d ever felt so alone.
“Want to take a walk with me?” she asked.
“It’s rather cold out,” I muttered.
“It’s always cold here.” She paused and then huffed. “Then we will go to the sitting room and lounge by the fire. I don’t care.”
I sighed and looked at her, awestruck by the way her starry eyes pointed back at me. In a way, it made it easier to look at her. She still resembled Yenira, but it was in entirely different ways. I stood slowly and gestured for her to lead the way.
We passed by dozens of guards on the way, each of their stares tailing after me like I was a guest. I picked at the sleeve of my blouse absentmindedly. I knew things would change when we reclaimed what was his, but I hoped it wouldn’t be like this forever.
I hoped, more than anything, this feeling of being an ‘other’ faded. Fast.
I watched Sapphire ignite the fireplace with her fingertips as I sat, curling my legs and closing my eyes. The warmth gradually eased my aching nerves. Sapphire sat on the ground next to me, and her long fingernail tapped against the wooden floorboard before she flicked her head to me.
“I have been unkind to you.”
I gulped, and then I shook my head. She hadn’t been—not really, no. I didn’t care if she was close to Yenira or not. Family was family, and I took that from her. Yenira was a sister to both of us…one by blood, the other by choice.
It was loss—loss in the rawest form.
“I expected more, to be honest,” I muttered in response and lowered my focus to the flames. “I know you two were never truly that close, outside of when you first found out about each other, but still. I’d be…numbed? Defeated, maybe.”
“I don’t know what I felt, really. It’s like staring at a fight to the death. You know somebody is going to lose. You know what losing means, but when it happens, you just feel remorse. Guilt. But it was wrong of me to abandon you when those meatheads are already so preoccupied,” she said, waving her hand toward the door. I smiled softly and adjusted the way I was sitting to bring my legs to my chest.
“You’ve lived in court, Saph. Is it…is it always so lonely?”
Here, she grew quiet. “I don’t know if I’m the right person to ask. I lived with Novus, mind you—and when I escaped, Eero had already lost his throne.”
I flicked my gaze to her and licked my dry lips. “Please. I know you lived with a monster of a man, but I need to know. In the worst of cases, at least.”
Sapphire cleared her throat and shook her head slowly. “It…can be, yes. Mind you, my husband was an adulterer and abusive to no end. He put me through so many trials and experiments in the name of magic—and it left me hollow. Eero would never do that.”
I nodded slowly, a pang of guilt riddling my bones. I didn’t want to make her revisit those days, but I had to know if this was the life I was accepting. If I asked Eero, I knew he’d feel so much guilt over something he couldn’t control. Over something I’d never ask him to control.
“But…Eero is different, Aurelie. Even with his late wife—they didn’t love each other, not in the slightest. Despite this, she was happy. That speaks volumes to me.”
I pursed my lips and pinched the skin of my forearm. I could look at my skin and finally rest easy, knowing there were no more scars. I didn’t have to think about Sólkon’s dirty touch each and every time Eero looked at them. But now that they were gone, he was, too.
It was bitter.
I was bitter. It was a selfish thing to feel, but I had grown tired of hiding how I felt. “Thank you,” I said quietly and rubbed my lips together. “But please don’t feel badly for feeling…anger. Hell, I think I lost part of myself when Yenira died. When I—”
I paused, unable to finish the thought. I merely shook my head and closed my eyes. I heard Sapphire scoot closer, her arms wrapping around my shoulders. I leaned into the hug, my lips curling into a trembling frown. I’d never seen death like I had during the battle—I’d never witnessed loss, betrayal, and heartache in such intimate ways.
It was numbing. Deafening. I hadn’t really cried—but now that I was, it was silent.
“I’m grateful for you, Aurelie,” she said. “And I do not blame you for what you had to do. None of us do…even Azalea.”
I choked on a bitter laugh and wiped the salty tears from the corner of my mouth. “You’re grateful, huh?” I whispered. “Look who’s getting sappy on me.”
“Oh, don’t make me take it back,” she said and let go of me. I sniffled, and she sighed. “It’ll all be okay in the end. Just give it time. Time’s the hardest part.”