Chapter 38
I was stunned, but I wrapped my arms around Tarben’s neck and kissed him back. He pulled my body closer, resting his hands on my waist. His kiss was somehow both sweet and urgent, and, when he slid his tongue into my mouth, I yanked him into my bedchamber and slammed the door shut behind him.
“Hello,” he said, grinning down at me. The way he looked at me reminded me of a child at midwinter, opening a present and finding it was exactly what they’d wished for.
“You’re back,” I breathed.
“I am.” His hands remained comfortably at my waist, as if he didn’t want to let me go. He smelled like him—pine needles and leather—and soap.
“When did you get back?” I asked, running my hands through his damp hair.
“About half an hour ago. I thought I’d do you a favor and bathe before I came here.”
“How considerate.”
He pulled me closer so that our bodies were flush. “I missed you,” he said, his lips tracing soft kisses up the column of my neck.
“Did you now?” I asked, my skin pebbling under the tickle of his stubble. “How much?”
“Enough that I learned that I don’t want us to be apart for so long again.
” My heart stuttered at his words. He looked into my eyes and said, “I know it’s only been a few weeks, but I want to be with you always.
I’ve never been more sure about anything before.
” I could hear his heart knocking against his ribs. “Please tell me you feel the same way?”
“I—I feel the same about you,” I said, my voice catching. I didn’t know why the lie made my lungs constrict. Is it a lie? a small voice in my head asked. I wasn’t so sure.
The blood pounded in my ears and a hot flush rose up my skin. What was happening to me?
Tarben’s face radiated happiness, which quickly dimmed into concern for whatever he saw in my expression. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I said. “Just feeling a little faint all of a sudden.” It wasn’t entirely a fabrication—I was feeling ill, and I suspected I knew the cause.
“Then let’s get you to bed,” he said. He gathered me up in his arms and carried me to the bed. Gently, he laid me down and tucked me under the covers. He took a seat on the bed and felt my forehead. “You’re flushed,” he frowned. “Should I get a healer?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t need the healer, just a good night’s rest.”
He smoothed my hair away from my face. “Alright. I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep.”
I swallowed, hating myself for my next words. “Could you… hold me?”
His eyebrows rose but he didn’t protest. Wordlessly, he kicked off his boots and climbed in the bed behind me.
Wrapping his arms around my waist, he pulled me in close.
“Better?” he said into my ear. The feel of his heart racing against my back was like a ticking clock, every beat bringing me closer to the full moon.
Ignoring it, I focused on timing my breathing to his. In and out. In and out.
“Much,” I said, resting my hands on top of his and nestling into his cocoon of muscle and warmth.
I could tell myself this was all part of the act.
That this was just another calculated move to get him to confess his love.
But that would be a lie, and lying wasn’t much of a game when you were the only one playing.
I did want him to hold me. I wanted it more than I was willing to admit to myself. I really had missed him and I wanted him close.
But why?
The only explanation was not a good one. And frankly, it terrified me. Still, I couldn’t stop the words that spilled out of my mouth next: “Will you stay with me tonight?”
A sharp inhale of breath, and then, “Of course.”
My own thundering heart felt lighter. How was it possible to feel this happy in someone’s arms and, at the same time, completely wretched?
I was a damned fool, and I should have known better.
I knew there was no future for us. There couldn’t be, not when my task took precedence over whatever feelings had rooted in my heart and spread like vines of ivy.
Despite my best efforts to eradicate them, they only flourished, threatening to irrevocably alter my foundation.
Tarben and I were doomed by fate. Fate, who had cruelly dangled him in front of me, only to mock me with its plans. He was a test sent to challenge me, to unravel me. A test I was only ever destined to fail.
He interrupted my thoughts. “What are you thinking about?”
“I was wishing I could have more nights like these, with you,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.
“I’ll stay with you for as many nights as you’ll have me, darling.” His warm breath against the back of my neck sent a shiver of pleasure up my spine.
Damn me to confinement, I really was a fool.
***
We stayed up late into the night, talking.
Tarben told me about his time away at the border, and I told him about the unbelievable turn of events while he was gone.
He listened in awe when I told him about saving Hugo, he seethed when I told him about Hansen, (“I’ll have words with that bastard,” he swore), he became alarmed when I recounted what happened with the beasts, and he held me close when I told him about Runa.
We were lying chest to chest when he said, “I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through. I wish I had been here to protect you.”
Tracing circles on his muscular arm, I said, “It’s alright. I’m tougher than I look.”
The corners of his mouth curled upwards. “Oh, I’ve got no doubt about that. Still, for my own peace of mind, I’m going to have some of my best guards assigned to you.”
I shook my head. There was no way I would spend what remained of my time in Solvardunn being trailed by guards. “Absolutely not.”
He continued as if he hadn’t heard me, “And in the morning I’m having you moved to rooms closer to mine.”
My hand stilled. “Why’s that?”
He interlaced our fingers. “If I’m going to be sneaking into your bed every night, I’d rather not have to cross half the castle to get to you.”
“Why do you have to sneak? And let’s not get ahead of ourselves; I don’t even know if you snore yet.”
He scoffed. “I do not snore, thank you very much. And we have to be discreet. It’s not deemed appropriate for me to share your bed. At least not until we’re wed.”
My heart tripped at his words. I had never entertained the idea of marriage before and yet here he was, casually dropping it into the conversation. “Until we’re wed. Why does that sound like a promise?”
“Because maybe it is.” He brought our interlaced hands to his lips and softly kissed the back of my hand.
My mouth was dry as I said, “That’s very bold of you, Your Highness.”
“I told you, I’ve never been more sure of anything before,” he said, holding my gaze.
“Is this your indirect way of asking me?” I tried to joke. Of course, it wouldn’t be my first proposal, but I truly hoped that wasn’t what this was—it would only complicate things further.
“No darling, when I propose there will be no mistaking it.”
“When I propose.” My stomach twisted at his words. Tarben thought he was going to marry me when, instead, I was going to shatter his heart into tiny shards. The thought made my own heart ache, but what else could I do? Love was fleeting, my freedom would be forever.
“Actually, there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you,” he said, tucking a strand of hair behind my ears. Taking a deep breath, he started, “Alara, I—”
Before he could finish his sentence, I did something unbelievably stupid. I pulled his face to mine and swallowed up his words with a kiss. For some reason, I wasn’t ready to hear those words yet. Let him speak them tomorrow. Tonight, I wanted to pretend, just for a little longer.
The kiss itself was unrushed. So unlike the fervor from before, yet, strangely more intimate because into the kiss, I poured everything that would have to remain unspoken.
His hands roamed down my body, finally settling on my hips. With his lips and tongue, he explored my throat, sending a shiver of goosebumps across my skin. I could only imagine what it would feel like between my thighs.
I pressed myself against him, desperate to eliminate any space between us. Feeling the hard length of him against my core, I couldn’t resist—I slowly rolled my hips against his. A groan reverberated from deep within his throat.
As if he couldn’t hold back any longer, he gripped my ass and ground his hips against mine. My center ached, craving more.
My hands ventured lower, slowly tracing the outline of his rock-hard cock. He groaned at my touch, and returned the favor by slowly dragging his fingers to the place between my thighs.
“Flames of Erasure,” he cursed at the wetness of my underwear. “You will be the death of me,” he murmured against my lips.
“Do you still want to wait?” I asked before I slid my tongue along his rugged jawline. His fingers dug into my hips in response; I could tell he was on the brink of losing control.
“Yes. No.” His face scrunched in agony. “I want to touch you so badly,” he said, sounding strangled.
“Then do it,” I said, my voice laced with challenge.
In one smooth motion, he was on top of me, then his mouth was against mine. He kissed me like a starving man invited to feast. The prince was gone, replaced by an animal of pure hunger. My body was quick to respond to his heady kiss, hyper-aware of every place his hard form pressed into me.
Anchoring one hand in my hair, his other hand quickly found my breast. Rolling my nipple through the thin fabric of my nightgown, he sent little shockwaves of pleasure down my body.
He marked my neck with hot kisses as though he couldn’t get enough of me. When he reached my nipple, he sucked it into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the sensitive flesh. My breathing became shallow; I was aching to be touched.
He hooked his fingers under the waistband of my underwear. “Do you want me to stop?” I never wanted this to stop—not with him. And that was what scared me.
Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.
No—I was being silly. I never let emotions get tangled up in the physical. Sex was just a release.
I shook my head. He released a shaky breath. “Tell me if I’m going too fast.” His hands trembled slightly as he slowly pulled down my soaking undergarments.
A release. That was all this would be.
But the way he was looking at me—goddess spare me. I wanted more than his body. I wanted things I shouldn’t. Things I couldn’t keep. And if we kept going, losing them would hurt even more.
This was more than just a release—it could ruin me.
“Wait,” I said, my voice cracking.
He’d just reached my calves when he froze. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his hooded eyes shadowing with concern.
“We can’t do this.” I swallowed. “Not tonight.” Not ever.
“Of course,” he said. He slid my underwear back up then returned to my side. He released a long breath, as if to snuff out a spark before it caught flame.
The fire inside me had already been choked out by regrets and a future that could never be.
“Are you okay?” I asked in a tentative voice that was foreign to my ears.
Was he upset that I’d turned him down? Would he try to change my mind?
I really hoped not. My willpower was as fragile as a dried petal and would crumble just as easily under his touch.
He smiled at me like I was a pearl he’d found while searching for pebbles. “I’m with you, so I assure you I’m more than okay,” he said. “Do you still want me to stay?”
Did I?
The wise thing would be to send him away. For so many reasons. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Not when my bed would mourn the loss of his warmth and the sheets would ache with loneliness.
“Yes.” The word was a whisper and a plea.
“Good,” he said, pulling me onto his chest. “I’ll sleep better knowing you’re safe in my arms.”
Resting my cheek against his chest, I closed my eyes and listened to the beat of the heart that I was bound to break.