Chapter 11
Eleven
Finn
Ihope I never step foot in Elowen again. Apart from it being freezing from dawn to dusk, this place has brought me nothing but misery.
Emotions I don't normally wrestle with are becoming hindrances in my daily life. The greatest and worst offence being jealousy.
I envy Atlas and Shaye. How they found one another and can express exactly how they feel. All the while, after years of being friends, Eris and I are closer than we've ever been and yet she seems further than before.
I've also been growing more comfortable with lying to those closest to me.
It's been weeks and I know they sense something is off, but I attribute it to being tired or homesick.
Never the truth. It should be criminal to lie to those you love but how can I say I wish their happiness was my own without sounding villainous?
To top everything off, the encounter with the Soul Eater robs me of sleep.
I spear my fingers through my hair, elbows rooted to the wooden railing. Waves slosh against the hull as our ship sails through the open sea, our course charted for Tronovia. I breathe a sigh of relief the further Elowen is put behind us. We'll be home soon but I'm returning heavier.
"I know what power you possess," Thrane had said when he caught me in the hall. "Power you can use to help us."
"I don't use my power," I had expressed, though the Frost Elf was undeterred.
"The Soul Eater has information we need," he pressed, following me down the corridor. "Information that could aid us in the war to come." Thrane circled in front of me, cutting off my retreat to my quarters. "Just talk to – "
"You mean torture him," I hissed. "I won't do it."
Thrane yanked me through double doors leading me into a lounge area. "You don't have to talk to him or torture him. That's your choice. But at the end of the day, you will need to make harder choices. Choices that could save the lives of those you love most or cause them to suffer."
I snarled, ripping my arm free from his hold. "You're only saying these things to manipulate me into doing your dirty work."
"Dirty work?" Thrane snapped, eyes narrowed in menacing fashion.
"I never ask others to do what I am unwilling to do myself.
You think I haven't done everything in my power to garner the information I seek?
Those in positions of power are forced to make hard decisions.
" He stepped closer and whispered harshly, "If I did not need your help – your particular set of skills – I would not be asking. "
I hated to admit the Frost Elf was making sense.
He was right about a war coming. What's worse, whether I liked it or not, he was right that my magic might actually help.
My brothers, Eris, Shaye – all their faces appeared in my mind.
What exactly am I doing to help them? To set them up for success?
Maybe I'm damned with power like mine not to be seen as a hero.
But maybe I didn't need to be the savior to the realm.
Maybe I just needed to be the key to my loved ones having victory.
I swallowed and sucked in a deep breath, already regretting what I was about to do. "I'll help you."
I'm ashamed recalling how I inflicted horrors on the demon until he poured all his secrets. Shaye couldn't get a word out of him. But I could.
But my guilt wasn't due to using my affinity against the Soul Eater.
It was because I enjoyed using my magic.
What the others – including my brothers – don't realize is suppressing the urge to use my power drains me.
I feel like a well that has dried up. I constantly thirst to taste the magic flowing through my veins.
When I exert myself like I did in Bava to save Shaye, it fueled me. Made me feel whole – alive.
Not using it is a torture in itself. And I hate to admit I'm feeling weaker each day that passes.
The Soul Eater was weeping on the floor, begging for mercy. Although Shaye and Nyx didn't say anything, I could see the concern written across their faces.
What had I done?
I backed away from the demon curled on the floor. The desire to run, to hide, overwhelmed me, but all I remember asking Thrane on our way up the steps was, "Is that all you need from me?"
Thrane nodded slowly but before I could circumvent him and dash down the hall before Shaye and Nyx could catch up, he snatched my arm.
"If you continue to starve your magic, one day you won't be able to stop.
" His eyes were fixed on mine, unrelenting, unyielding.
"I will not mention what happened here to anyone else, but we will need to talk when we reconvene in Tronovia. "
I ripped my arm from him. "There's nothing to talk about. I have everything under control."
"Do you?" He spat as my pace quickened. "Because from the looks of it, Finn Harland, your magic is going to kill you."
His words weigh heavily on me. Even from the ship I can hear his voice echo in my head.
I despise he's right. The incident in the Sol Room made it harder than ever to come out of the hold.
If I don't learn to control myself, Thrane might have a valid point.
It might just destroy me. Or worse, turn me into the very version of myself I've been running from.
"Finn?" Eris' sweet voice brings me back to reality, back to the present. "Is everything all right?"
I toss a look at her over my shoulder and smile. The moonlight brightens her face perfectly and Stars above, I'm blessed to be in her presence.
"Just needed some fresh air," I say, and thankfully, this time it's not a lie.
She tugs her sweater tighter across her chest. "It's chilly tonight."
I slip my coat off. "Here. Take my jacket."
"Oh, no, it's ok – "
"I insist." I extend it to her, not willing to take no for an answer tonight.
"Won't you be cold?"
"I'm a bit warm," I drape my coat over her shoulders. "I promise I'm fine." I double-down when she flashes a disbelieving look my way.
"Tell me the moment you get cold and I'll give it back."
Memories of when Eris first arrived in Tronovia flood me.
She didn't have clothing of her own, so I let her borrow mine.
Everything was always gigantic on her. My shirts and jackets hung just above her knees, and she was practically swimming in my trousers.
But she always had a genuine smile that made my heart flutter. The same smile she flashes my way now.
The urge to wrap my arms around her torments me. I should tell her how I feel about her. If she feels the same, maybe I can finally experience the joy I've craved so desperately since the moment we met.
I swallow hard and clear my throat. "Eris?"
"Yes, Finn?" She stares up at me with innocent expectation.
It's then the realization hits me. I don't deserve her. Even if by some small chance she happens to reciprocate my feelings, I'm not worthy to call her mine.
"Finn?" Her blue eyes search mine. "Is something wrong?"
That's just the thing. Everything is wrong. But like I've been doing for a while now, I lie. "I think I'm going to turn in for the night."
"Oh." Disappoint flares in her face and it's akin to a stab in my chest. She shrugs my coat off her shoulders. "Well, here's your – "
"Keep it." I slip it back on her and button the front. "It looks better on you anyway. Goodnight, Eris."
Without giving her a chance to say a word, I retreat down the steps to my quarters and lock myself inside. I plop on my mattress and bury my face in my hands. I'm a monster. Thrane might be right – one day my magic might consume me.