Chapter 11
Cressida held her head high as they stopped by a patch of lilac. “If you need to reduce a fever, a bit of lilac is good for that. I like to make a couple of different tinctures and salves with it. It also helps with healing wounds.”
Ronan looked at her with that warm look in his eyes again.
It was the one that made her entire body warm in a way she didn’t think she had ever felt before.
There was something about the way he watched her and the way he teased her that set her soul on fire.
It was like breathing life back into her after being numb to the world around her for so long.
I barely know him.
“Do you have a tincture I could have to help with the cuts?” Ronan asked, grimacing as Thunder picked up his pace just a little.
“Are your ribs still bothering you?” Cressida turned to face him, having half a mind to tell him to get off the horse so she could see if any of the cuts had reopened.
“Only a little, but it’s my own fault.”
“Well, I’ll get you some tincture, and I’ll get you some of the peppermint salve I have, too. Both should help with the aching.”
“Thank you.”
Cressida smiled, motioning to a birch tree. “You’re going to want to take some bark from this tree, too. Not a lot, but a little. Steep it in some hot water when you’re done working for the day, and then drink it like a tea. It will help with the pain in your joints after a long day at work.”
Dark clouds drifted across the sky, blocking out the sun and bringing a chill to the air. Cressida shivered, wishing that she had brought a light sweater with her.
“Why don’t we head back?” Ronan asked, that teasing smile back on his face. “You’ve proven to be quite fearsome in your knowledge, and I’m sure it’s going to rain soon.”
She beamed, turning Dahlia toward the house, the mare flicking her tail like she was annoyed the ride was over so soon.
“Well, you’ll know this land that well in no time.” Cressida wanted to ask where he was from, but she noticed the way he avoided questions about himself, the way Tobin didn’t speak of him in town earlier.
There was something that kept Ronan from allowing people to know him.
Though she wanted to know what that was, she wasn’t going to push.
She had already pushed enough for one day, showing off her knowledge about the land that surrounded them.
She could practically hear her grandmother admonishing her now, telling her that it was rude to show off.
But her mother would tell her not to make herself smaller for others.
Still, there were expectations as a woman. Ones that meant you were smaller and softer, that you held back your knowledge so the man next to you never felt as if he was lacking in any way.
And despite that, she wanted to present herself as the person she was. The best version of herself, who wasn’t going to shrink herself down for the sake of those around her.
The house rose up on the horizon, the comfortable silence broken when Etta’s laughter rang out from the back porch.
Tobin sat beside her, and some of the goats were prancing around in front of them.
Cressida’s heart seized in her chest. She wanted this for Etta; she wanted her sister to be happy, to find a man who would love her as she deserved.
She just wasn’t sure Tobin was that man.
Not when he didn’t know the details of Etta’s injury and how much help she required at times. He didn’t know the endless nights spent awake, not being able to take the pain from Etta when it was at its worst.
He didn’t know that the future could look pretty grim.
“You look like something’s bothering you,” Ronan said, his voice low as they made their way to the barn.
“Nothing,” Cressida said, not willing to let him in on all the things running through her mind in that moment. Ronan might seem like a nice man, but this wasn’t his burden to bear, and she wasn’t going to put it on his shoulders.
And thinking of Etta as a burden makes me a horrible sister.
An embarrassed flush rolled over her face as she took the tack off Dahlia and turned her back out into the pasture.
Ronan said nothing as he let his own horse into the pasture before following Cressida to the house. With each step she took, all Cressida could see was Etta laughing with Tobin, falling in love with Tobin, Tobin abandoning Etta when she needed him the most.
Ronan fell into step beside her, his hands tucked deep in his pockets. “You know, often when people say there is nothing bothering them, there is usually something they think of as insurmountable that’s gnawing away at them.”
“You have a lot of experience with this?” Cressida asked, her tone teasing, trying to lighten the mood.
“Who doesn’t? Everyone has parts of themselves that they keep hidden from the rest of the world, and it’s clear as day that you’re hiding something.”
While part of her was thrilled with how clearly he saw her, there was another part of her that was bothered by it.
In only a short while, it felt like Ronan was traveling beneath her skin and making himself at home.
“I’m fine.” Cressida continued toward the house, watching Etta’s head tip back as she laughed at something Tobin said. “I just…I just want to protect her from the world, and I don’t think I’m going to be able to do that forever.”
“Sometimes it’s a good thing to let people go. Freeing, some might say.”
Cressida paused, turning to him. “And sometimes that’s the very thing that causes you to lose them forever.”
The corner of his mouth twitched as he looked down at her, standing a little too close. Well, perhaps not too close, but near enough that she noticed, that her cheeks warmed and her stomach tied itself in knots.
“We should head back to the house,” she said, turning and stalking back the other direction, letting his words run over and over through her head as she tried to figure out if he might be right.
In one regard, she knew she was holding on too tight. In another, Etta was all she had.
Etta stood as Cressida neared, but her crutch slipped, and she fell to the side, landing hard on her hip. Cressida let out a yelp and rushed toward Etta, but Tobin was there first, crouching beside her and wiping her tears.
“I’m okay,” Etta said, looking up at him with what some might consider to be stars in her eyes. “I’m going to be a little stiff, but I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?” Tobin asked, his voice low, a tightness to it that sounded a lot like worry.
“I’m good.” Etta laughed, rubbing her leg a little.
She wasn’t okay. She was putting on a show. Cressida could see it in the way Etta grimaced when she went to move a little, the way a little line pulled between her eyebrows.
Cressida stopped, her jaw clenching before she kneeled down beside him. “You’ve been pushing yourself too hard lately.”
“Enough,” Etta snapped, glowering at her. “I don’t want to hear it! I’ve been doing well lately, but you want to keep thinking I’m an invalid who needs you to take care of me at every turn. I don’t. I’m fine.”
“Let’s get you up,” Tobin said softly, like he was trying to diffuse the tension.
Etta took his hand, still glaring at Cressida. “I can fall and get back up, Cressy. You don’t have to hover over me like it’s going to be the end of the world if I have a couple of setbacks.”
Cressida’s jaw tightened as she looked at her sister, memories of the accident running through her mind, making it harder to breathe. While she knew that Etta was capable, it was hard to remember that there might be a time when she wouldn’t always want Cressida to be around.
It was a hard realization to swallow, no matter how many times it had hit her in the last couple of days.
This was one of those times she was faced with the idea of potentially having to let go.
But what if I let go and she never comes back to me?
“Why don’t I go inside and make some sandwiches for everyone?” Cressida said, rushing into the house before anyone could say anything else.
She needed to make lunch, she needed to feel just a little bit useful, especially when Etta was making it clear that she didn’t need her the way she once did.
Cressida’s eyes pricked with tears, wondering if she was going to be left alone. She pulled out the meat and the cheese, grabbing a remainder of a loaf of bread. As she sliced the cheese, all she could think about was making sandwiches for only herself.
She glanced around at the house, but she couldn’t think about being there without Etta’s laughter echoing off the walls.
But Etta wasn’t laughing the way she used to. At least, she wasn’t until she started speaking with Tobin.
I have to let her be. She’s a grown woman, and she deserves to have her own life, regardless of what may come to pass in the future.
As she made a stack of sandwiches, she began to feel better. Ronan entered the kitchen, leaning against one of the other counters, his eyes on her. She said nothing for a little while, her body feeling like it was on fire as his stare continued to burn into her.
“You’re worried about her,” Ronan finally said, breaking the silence between them. “Beyond Etta just being alone.”
“I don’t think I’ve spent a single day of my life since her accident not worried about her, but I’m starting to think that maybe I don’t need to be. Maybe she doesn’t need me as much as I think she does, and that’s not such an easy thing to stomach. Maybe you’re right about letting her go.”
“I don’t have any siblings, but if I did, I think I would always need them, even if I did need a bit of my own space.” Ronan shuffled a little closer to her, plucking a piece of cheese from the cutting board and popping it in his mouth.
“I don’t like that you’re probably right about this. I just want you to know that.”
He laughed and shook his head, eyes shining warmly as he looked down at her. “I don’t think you’re supposed to be happy about it. Growth is supposed to be painful; it’s supposed to be uncomfortable.”
Cressida smiled, feeling a little lighter. “I guess you might be right about that. Now, would you mind calling the others in? Food is ready.”