Chapter 24
The spot just to the left of Ronan’s sternum ached.
He rubbed his hand over it, trying to convince the pain to go away, but he wasn't sure it would. The decision to leave town still wasn’t an easy one.
It hurt and felt like he was cutting a piece of himself away each time he thought about leaving Cressida.
It was always what was best for her, though. Safest.
Still, he had been unable to convince himself to leave any sooner.
She would be hurt when he was gone, but her heart would heal. In time, she would forget the moments shared between them. A man from town would win her over. She would fall in love again, and soon, Ronan’s name would be nothing but a memory locked in the darkest corners of her mind.
Ronan glanced at the Lockridge house. Though he still stood on the edge of this property, he could imagine Cressida’s laughter floating through the trees.
It was impossible to actually hear, though, and more of his heart sank at the thought of not hearing it again.
She had gone to the festival earlier that day, and now, as the sun sank toward the horizon, he knew there would still be awhile before she got home.
It was good for her to go out and enjoy herself. She needed to have fun and stop worrying about all the things that she needed to do from one day to the next. A brief moment in time where she could pause. Live a life that made her happy.
He wished he could have been the one to make her happy for the rest of her life.
Diver came dashing through the yard, sitting at his feet, his tail wagging. His tongue rolled out of the side of his mouth, his fuzzy little head tipping as if to say, “Where are you going?”
Ronan sighed and sat down, letting the puppy climb into his lap.
The dog leaned against his chest with a little sigh as Ronan worked his fingers through soft fur.
The ache in his chest eased a little, but it was still there.
It was still a reminder that he was doing something that felt like it would break him.
“I have to go,” Ronan said, scratching the dog behind the ears.
“I can't stay here any longer. If I do, the more it puts her in danger.
I've already put her in enough for the sake of being selfish.
I can't keep going like this. I can't keep doing this.
She shouldn't have to look over her shoulder for my mistakes.”
Diver let out a small whine and nestled into his lap deeper.
“I know,” Ronan hummed. “I know, I wish I could stay here, too. This is the happiest I've been, maybe in my entire life. But if I stay here, I risk everything.”
If it was just him who would suffer from the consequences of his actions, then he wouldn't think twice about staying. He would march directly to the festival, scoop Cressida in his arms, twirl her around, and tell her that he was falling in love with her.
That he couldn't remember a moment in his life since coming to town that he hadn’t been falling in love with her. That she had been working her way into his heart.
It was impossible. Everything was impossible these days. Staying, going, loving her, leaving her.
Diver groaned and rolled onto his back.
Chuckling, Ronan rubbed his belly. “You're going to stay here and take good care of her, aren't you? I know you are. That's why I don't have to worry. She's going to have you with her, and everything's going to be just fine.”
With a little yip, Diver got off his lap and trotted back to the Lockridge house. Ronan watched him go, that ache coming back twice as strong as it had been before. He had built a life for himself here, and now he was going to give it up. It didn't seem fair.
Still, as he pushed to his feet, he knew he had to go.
Ronan walked back to his house and stepped inside, grabbing the packed bag he had left by the door. It wasn't filled with much. The lighter it was, the easier it would be to travel far and fast. He could lead Ambrose Flint out of town and far away before Cressida even knew there was danger around.
Ronan took his bag down to the barn and put it in the stall with his horse.
He should go now. While the sky was painted with pinks and oranges, and the clouds were fat and fluffy.
The weather looked good, and he could make good distance.
Instead, he allowed himself the one thing he had been telling himself for days, that he wouldn't.
One last look.
As if a man possessed, he walked to town as darkness fell.
Stars littered the sky, and the moon climbed higher; Ronan was at peace for just a single moment again.
Laughter rose into the air as he reached the edge of town.
He kept his hands tucked in his pockets and his hat dipped low, not wanting to be recognized.
Seeing her would be enough. Seeing the happiness that she was building for herself here, the way she could continue to smile after he was gone, it would be enough.
It had to be enough.
Ronan lingered in the shadows beside the town hall, the scent of roasted meat thick in the air. Cressida was on the dance floor with Etta, swirling and laughing. Tobin stood to the side, watching the pair of them. Every now and then, his eyes roved around the crowd.
At least there would be somebody else around to make sure the sisters were safe.
Ronan sighed and scrubbed a hand over the lower half of his face. She was safe, she was happy. He could leave. He swore he was going to do just that until he caught movement out of the corner of his eye.
For a minute, all he could do was stand there frozen. Ambrose Flint moved through the crowd of people like he belonged there.
His head tipped back as he laughed at something one of the men said, his smile spreading wide as he looked at one of the women who worked down at the library, shaking his head with a glimmer in his eyes.
All the while, Conrad stood to his side, making the introductions he needed.
Or was it more like a puppy following along at the heels of his owner?
Ronan stalked from one bunch of shadows to the next, staying hidden beside a building as Conrad led Ambrose through the crowd, gazing up with nothing but stars in his eyes like he was seeking Ambrose’s approval.
Ronan’s hand slipped into his back pocket, and he pulled out the silver match case. He looked at the snake carved into it, running his thumb over it. It looked like Conrad wasn’t just adjacent to the trouble. No, with the way he led Flint around town, it was clear that Conrad was deep in it.
Though Ronan couldn’t be sure how much Conrad knew about the things Ambrose had done, and would continue to do, it was clear that Conrad knew enough to be interested in the man. To want to make a good impression by hauling him around town and introducing him to people.
Ronan slipped into another grouping of shadows, watching Ambrose until he disappeared into a group of men.
“You know, I would ask what you're doing here, but I can clearly see,” Tobin said, appearing out of nowhere beside Ronan.
Ronan sighed, his shoulders slumping, the weight of the night pressing down on him. He should’ve known that going to town was going to be a mistake, but he wanted to believe he could get in and get out without getting himself into trouble.
Somehow, Tobin always seemed to be there when Ronan needed him, though.
“You can't tell her I was here.” Ronan swallowed hard, a lump in his throat threatening to choke him, his hands fluttering at his sides before he slipped the match case back into his pocket.
“She can't know. It's better for her this way.
She needs to think I left, that I didn't come to see her one last time.”
Tobin scoffed but said nothing, instead standing there with him. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“I don’t know.” Ronan glanced at him before staring straight ahead again.
“I’ve been respectful of the things you keep to yourself, and I see the way it eats at you.
I can see the way you try to hold yourself together, like life is going to get better.
You were a broken man when we met, and so was I, but it’s clear that something about being here is fixing us both.
Healing us. You’re really willing to let that go? ”
Ronan rubbed a hand on his chest again, the ache back with a vengeance. He kept scanning the crowd for Cressida but didn’t see her. She must have moved on, perhaps found someone to dance with. “There’s no other choice.”
“She's a grown woman. You're a grown man.
You could go over there and tell her that you're leaving, and she'd accept it. I'm not saying it wouldn’t hurt her, because it would. Anybody with eyes can see the way the two of you look at each other, but she deserves to know the truth. That’s your other option.”
“The truth is what's going to put her in more danger.”
“And how do you know that? How do you know that all your secrets aren’t going to come crawling out of the woodwork?
You can leave, but if I'm going to be here cleaning up the mess of what you leave behind, then I think I deserve to know.” Tobin crossed his arms, a fierce look in his eyes.
“If something is going to harm Etta, I need to know.”
“Leaving keeps them from being harmed. Ambrose wants me for whatever reason. He wants the pocket watch I have. If me and the watch disappear, he has no reason to stay around town. Without a reason to stay around town, what use does he have for Cressida and Etta? None. They can be safe and happy and free to live their lives the way they want.”
“Sounds an awful lot like you're making decisions for other people.”
Ronan rolled his eyes, looking up to the sky. For a moment, he counted the stars, trying to still his racing heart. “I know you think she should hear the truth about why I'm leaving. Maybe I should tell her. Maybe it would be better. Maybe it wouldn't.”
“Please. We're not going to go down this stupid little self-loathing trail you’re blazing.
To be honest, I've enjoyed working with you, but I've seen the signs for the last few days that you're packing up and leaving.
You said yourself, this is one last look.
I hope you find peace wherever you're going.
I hope that whatever follows you, whatever demons that haunt you, can finally be put to sleep. And one day. I hope you're happy.”
Ronan was at a loss for words, a lump in his throat again. His heart thundered against his ribs, threatening to break free. His gaze roamed around the people having a good time until he found Cressida once more.
She had her head tipped back as she laughed, small tendrils of hair flowing free from the bun at the nape of her neck. Her cheeks were glowing. He didn't think he had ever seen her look more beautiful.
When Ronan looked back at Tobin, his heart sank to his feet. It was time.
“Thank you,” Ronan said. “Thank you for helping me fix up the ranch like we did, and thank you for being there as a friend. If there comes a time when I can settle somewhere and write to you, I will.”
“You better,” Tobin said, giving him a smile and clapping him on the shoulder. “For what it’s worth, I enjoyed working with you. I’m not going to pretend to like the way you’re handling this situation, but I understand it, and I can’t say I would do anything different if I were in your position.”
Ronan knew that was the moment he should walk away.
He knew that he should spin on his heel, disappear into the darkness, head straight for home, and get on his horse.
If he were a smarter man, he would ride through the night until the sun crept over the hills.
He would leave little bread crumbs along the way that would draw Ambrose away from Cressida and to him.
He'd spent his whole life being a smarter man, but there was something that Cressida brought out in him that made him think maybe he could be different.
Tobin nodded to him. “I have to go. I promised Etta I would dance with her a few more times before the night ended.”
“I'll miss you,” Ronan said, nodding to him once.
With a smirk, Tobin disappeared into the crowd, making his way to the dance floor.
Ronan watched, a little bit jealous as Tobin grabbed Etta by the hand and spun her around.
He slowed their pace slightly, looking like he was holding her up more than she was standing on her own.
She angled a grateful smile up to him. One filled with happiness.
That jealous feeling only grew. It was quickly replaced by sadness, though. He could have that with Cressida if the ghosts of his past weren't following him around.
His gaze wandered back to Cressida as she parted from the people she had been sharing glasses of lemonade with. She seemed out of breath, her eyes alight with a bright glow that he had seldom seen. Well, he had seen that glow every now and then when she looked at him. It stung to see it now.
But when her gaze roamed through the shadows, he could see it wasn’t the same glow. No, this was a glow caused by tears glistening, threatening to break free.
He had done that. He was the one to hurt her.
“Stay safe,” he whispered, knowing the words won't carry to her with all the noise around them.
Still, that didn't seem to stop her head from turning toward him as if she heard the words he said. For a second, he froze. Had she seen him?
Once she turned back around, he was sure that she hadn't.
What happened after was worse than if she had.
Ambrose Flint held out his hand for Cressida, and she placed hers in his, setting her lemonade glass on a table to the side.
Ambrose spun her in his arms, joining the people making their way around the dance floor to the merry song of the fiddle.
Ronan's hands curled into fists at his sides. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Ambrose looked up, his gaze connected with Ronan’s through the darkness, and he winked.
There was no way Ronan could leave now. It was too late.