Chapter 90
Ellery
I’d been looking forwardto Ryker’s return, but now dreaded it. I constantly swayed back and forth about what I should do… end it or tell him the truth.
My decision changed from one second to the next until I felt on the verge of a complete breakdown. If I told him the truth, I had to reveal all of it and would most likely lose him anyway.
And then there was my mother. If I told him about his father coming here, I was putting her life at risk, and I couldn’t do that.
No matter how much I loved Ryker, I had to let him go for my mother’s safety, mine, and his. I’d always known it would end between us; I just hadn’t expected it to be this soon or in this atrocious way, and I wasn’t ready for it.
That was me being selfish again, and I had to stop. I’d helped create this mess and would end it… in the most cowardly way possible.
When Wednesday arrived, I came to a conclusion I’d been trying to deny. I couldn’t end things with him to his face; it was impossible.
I’d break down, and the whole awful truth about everything would spew out of me. All that would accomplish was for Ryker to hate me more than he already would after today.
It would also put him and everyone I loved at risk if he took out his rage at me on his father; I couldn’t allow that. I’d contemplated telling Ryker about his father’s visit, but the duke was right; Ryker couldn’t do anything to stop him.
Yes, Ryker was stronger, but his father wielded more power politically in this country, and King Ivan would side with the duke. The only way Ryker could stop his father was to kill him, and no matter how vile that man was, I refused to be the reason a son killed his father.
I could live with my guilt over being the Hooded Robber and my role in this whole mess, but I couldn’t live with that. I would end this, but instead of being brave, I wrote him a letter.
I’d barely slept since his father arrived, and last night, I’d gotten no sleep, so I wrote a letter that I’d placed in an envelope beneath the horsehead knocker on our door. Ryker deserved better, but he also deserved better than me.
I was the bad guy, the coward, and the one who hid from the truth throughout all of this, and Ryker, who didn’t deserve it at all, was the one who would suffer because of it. I didn’t know if he loved me like I loved him, but he did care for me; he wouldn’t have told me about his father otherwise.
Though hearing about him with someone else would tear me apart, all I could do was hope that he moved on quickly and found happiness elsewhere. He deserved it more than I did.
My mother watched me hang the letter but didn’t say a word. I knew she was waiting for me to come to her about all this, but I couldn’t do that without completely breaking down. After today, I could lose it. I just had to make it through today.
I’d asked my mother and Scarlet to stay away for the day, and they’d agreed to go into The Hollows to sell some of the honey from the hives. They’d taken Scarlet’s family with them and intended to eat lunch there.
I didn’t know when Ryker would arrive, but as hoofbeats echoed over the land, I braced myself for what was to come. The sun had risen an hour ago, but I suspected he’d arrive early, and he didn’t disappoint me… he never did.
I could never say the same thing about myself when it came to him.
I clenched my bedroom curtain as the lump in my throat threatened to choke me. I should back away from the window, sit on my bed, and wait for him to leave, but since I was too cowardly to end things to his face, I refused to let myself cower.
I would see the aftereffects of my choices and live with them for the rest of my life. It was the least I deserved.
As the hoofbeats drew closer, Xanthus emerged from around the bend with Ryker hunched low over his neck as he urged the beautiful steed faster. My heart soared at the sight of them before plunging into my toes, where it turned into a ball of ice.
When they were almost to the manor, and before the horse stopped, Ryker leapt off him and hit the ground without missing a step. My mouth went dry as he strode toward the door with a big grin.
Get the letter! Don’t do it this way!
But it was already too late, and I didn’t doubt that in my exhaustion, heartbreak, and distress, I’d become a sobbing mess if I tried to do this face-to-face. Once that happened, Ryker would know I didn’t want this, and things would spiral out of control.
This was the most cowardly way, but it was the only one that would keep those I loved safe. I hadn’t thought it possible to hate myself more; I’d been wrong.
Over the past few days, I’d spent so much time ruminating over what I had to do that I hadn’t allowed myself to remember how handsome he was, how he could make my heart leap, and how much joy he brought me.
It all crashed over me with the intensity of a tornado tearing apart the land. That tornado whipped my heart into a frenzy before ripping it apart and smashing it to pieces.
No, I couldn’t do it this way. I refused to be a coward.
Before I could stop myself, I turned away from the window and sprinted down the steps before he could see the letter. I heard his boots hit the wooden porch as I flung open the door, jerked the letter free, and threw it inside.
I could do this. I would do this, but as my eyes met his, I could already feel the tears forming. Don’t cry in front of him. It will ruin everything. Do. Not. Cry.
When he grinned at me and stopped at the top of the porch, I resisted the impulse to run into his arms and bury my head against his chest. It didn’t have to end today.
I didn’t have to do this. We could run away into the Revenant Woods together; no one would ever find us there. I didn’t think Ryker would be too opposed to such an idea, but I’d have to leave my mother behind, and she would suffer the consequences of my actions if I did.
And the duke would make sure she suffered. If I took her with us, she’d have to give up everything she loved for a life she would hate. She’d always stood by me, been there for me, and loved me unconditionally; I couldn’t repay her by destroying her life.
Besides, I was assuming Ryker would want to be with me after I told him everything, but that wasn’t true. He wouldn’t want to run away with the woman who’d done nothing but lie to him; he’d probably never speak to me again, and I’d only cause more problems in his life.
It was more selfish of me to tell him the truth about everything than it was to end this now. I’d been greedy enough throughout all of this, and it was time to stop.
Over the past few days, I’d gone over every possibility in my head and come to the only conclusion there was—we were never going to last even before the duke became involved. Now, it was time to end this before the fallout became worse.
When I didn’t run to him, Ryker’s head tilted to the side, and the smile left his face. “What’s wrong?”
Everything is wrong! Everything is broken!
I wanted to scream the words but held them back. Instead, I threw back my shoulders and lifted my chin. “Don’t come any closer.”
I expected my voice to come out a choked mess, but it was stronger than anticipated. However, he must have sensed something as he stopped walking, and the cold detachment I’d seen in him when we first met again crept into his eyes.
“Of course,” he said.